I hear you…I mean – we don’t play in traffic because we know we’ll get hit by a car..but we keep doing this "thing", these actions , that we KNOW causes damage..but there is a part of my brain that still thinks I will win, it will be fun…etc etc..This is NOT true..Even if I win, I lose, because it starts the cycle all over again…I think someone ***** to ***** me upside the head…lol
I start to cry when I think about the shame of it..I have a nice son and I have hurt him I know by leading this life…and it is just plain wrong..This is what I tell myself..this is wrong..and if I am really sorry for the harm I have caused and people I have hurt, then I should stop..
All I can say is that I will not gamble today..That I am promising..I am not having too easy of a day and my whiny self wants it to be easy..
One thing I forced myself to do..I purchased a promotional few sessions of dance lessons and I finally called up to make the appointment..It’s excercise..maybe a new avenue for me..Really – I have been putting it off so I took that first step..sounds trivial but it’s something!.
Ican–If today is day 1 for you, then so be it..Get through today..Even 1 clean day is a victory…I hope it’s an easy one for you..
