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Caroline you are not that dumb! A CG in the middle of a binge is not rational. At the moment he can’t hear you and its probably best if you don’t interact with him. You are right … you will never win. Please stay safe and try to find somebody to talk to for support… this is too hard to face alone.
My son is 26 and has been gambling compulsively since he was about 19. It has taken both he and the rest of my family (husband, older son and younger daughter) to hell and back. It is a relentless addiction that can take anybody in its path down with it. I do feel devastated that the powers that be bestowed this addiction on my son but at the same time we soon realize that the sympathy route goes nowhere fast! The addiction is just waiting for that little opening to bury itself back in to his life. This really is up to them to sort out but it is so painful having to watch your child struggle. I too am like you … will this ever end?
We are in Canada. I go to Gam Anon once a week. In our city there is only 1 Gam Anon. I would love to do the chats on here with Velvet et al but the time difference makes it impossible:(.
My son has been going to GA for about 1 1/2 years and it really has helped I think. He is comfortable there and hopefully can be honest. He does still relapse and I feel like I am brought right back to Day 1 after this. Recovery – both ours and theirs – is a hell of a lot of work!
He was living with a friend but this friend had to move for work and my son couldn’t afford the rent on his own so he has been back for 2 months. I can be his worst enabler (which is something I really work on ) by feeling sorry for him and while never giving him money let him live rent free to help him use his earnings to pay off debt. This never works!
I could go on and on as I have been very frustrated lately (obviously by the ranting on my post!).
Try a Gam Anon meeting and if the timing works for you a chat meeting… talking and writing help to give you the support you need!
CathyHi Anni
I too am the mom of a compulsive gambler and feel sometimes I could die of a broken heart yet other times am so very angry that I don’t know what to do or where to turn with this anger.
It is such a rollercoaster being at the mercy of their emotions. You try to be firm and not enable and you get the suicide threats which feels like you’ve been punched in the gut.
I realize how badly they are hurting but the same song and dance doesn’t get us anywhere. I too am sick of the moods, the lies, the suicide threats , the hours spent in bed after a relapse… the list goes on. It’s exhausting and has affected all our family members so much.
I have started attending Gam Anon and there is such support. People who understand your frustrations and your fears. It certainly won’t “cure” your son but will help you focus on the other parts of your life.
((Hugs)) from one mom to another!
CathyHi Lenore
First of all take a deep breath! None of this came on overnight and it will never be dealt with overnight! The good thing is that as long as you have secured yourself financially (making sure you have put provisions in place to keep your personal money safe and bills paid) you don’t have to make a decision right now.
Living with a CG and all that that entails is a shock to the system. Give yourself some time. Read up on compulsive gambling, attend a chat on this forum, or try a Gam Anon group. There is so much support out there … you don’t have to feel alone!
Your boyfriend is the only one that can help himself. You can take this time not to figure our how you are going to get him thru this but how you are going to get you thru this.
It is a very difficult addiction but there are many people that have learned to manage it. There is always hope!
Take Care!Good for you for getting to a support group. I have been going for 1 1/2 years and it has helped immensely. It is a really tough addiction on both the gambler and those in their life.
My son is 26 now and started when he was 18. The whole family has been affected by his gambling. I know he did not choose to be a compulsive gambler but there is only so much you can deal with the denial, lies, broken promises and tears!! You will come to realize this really is their deal and until their life becomes unmanageable they will not stop! The best way to make their life unmanageable is to let the consequences of their actions fall where is belongs… on them.
Don’t be too hard on your mom as it really goes against our nature to not help out your children. Unfortunately the more we bail them out the stronger this addiction becomes. We are actually giving the gambler more fuel for their addiction!
My son did not go to prison but he has stolen from us and our business. He hit a bottom of sorts last year and has been going to GA since. He has relapsed 3 times over the year but keeps returning to GA… so we feel hopeful.
You can only do what you can do and you have to learn to be happy with that.As long as somebody is bailing your brother out this will go on forever! I am sure your mom thinks she is helping . A CG can be VERY manipulative and persuasive and your mom thinks that if she just sorts him out this time he will stop. Unfortunately addicts don’t think the same way as you or I. Their addiction does all the talking and it is 100% irrational!
Perhaps you could get some information together on gambling addiction for her to have a look at or show her this website and get her to read some of the stories.
I am the mom of a CG and it took me a long time to start doing the things that helped me start living my own life and let my son take responsibility for his own.I always feel so negative posting a reply to a first-time poster. It is a very difficult addiction for both the CG and those that love them.
The bad news is that it is a very progressive disease. Once your CG has started lying about it is when its reached the addictive stage. They will lie and manipulate those around them to keep gambling. They can have you believing that it’s everyone’s fault but their own.
The gambler in my life is my 26 year old son. His addiction started at 18 years old and it has been a long haul. He too is a good hearted great guy but once they are in the grips of gambling you don’t see a lot of the good any more. When I first found out I thought I could fix it for him … make him see the light! That was not to be. It was almost 7 years before he was ready to try recovery with the help of GA. All I could do was stand by helplessly absolutely dumbfounded how such a smart, funny , handsome young man chose to throw his life and future away.
A compulsive gambler will only stop when they are ready. Nothing you can do, say, kindly suggest, or scream at them is going to help… they can not hear you.
The best thing you can do (which is incredibly hard) is to take the attention off them and start looking after your wants and needs. It is so easy to get pulled into the chaos which is their life and you will both end up drowning.
Start thinking about boundaries that you can set for yourself that can protect yourself both financially and emotionally. Keep writing/talking to find yourself support!It sounds like you are both making some forward progress! As Velvet mentioned try to remain firm and strong. It’s not a matter of punishing your gambler but being realistic how difficult this addiction can be to control.
My gambler (who is my son) has gambled since he was 19 and is now 26. It has been a roller coaster for our entire family. For the first 6 years he insisted on trying to “beat” this addiction on his own with sheer will power. He would manage short amounts of abstinence but never could have any long term success. He finally realized this addiction was something he was absolutely powerless over and started with a GA program a year ago. I started my own recovery in Gam Anon and on this forum about 1 1/2 years ago.
I tell you this so that you know its not always a direct, quick recovery. You need to make you the center or your recovery and hopefully your husband will follow in his.
As with Velvet I don’t mean for it to sound negative as I couldn’t be happier now with where both my son and myself are… its just that I had hoped as a mom I knew what was wrong and if I could just say the right thing or embarrass him enough we could fix this and go on with our lives! That did not happen and I remained frustrated and angry trying to change my son and not myself!
Take Care Janel… you guys are both moving in the right direction.Hi Janel
As Velvet said nobody will tell you whether you should stay or leave. There is no hurry for you to come to a decision. You are in crisis mode right now as you have been living this way for a while . I think that when we live with a compulsive gambler we lose our perspective on life. Our lives have been about lies, deception, secrets and pure chaos. It’s exhausting!!
Now is the time to get some knowledge on this horrible addiction. Unburden and share with people on this forum and perhaps try to find a Gam-Anon group. We can’t control the gambler in our life but we can control ourselves. Then you can deal with your situation from a position of strength and knowledge and not panic!!
Honestly good on you for writing it all down … that is a huge step!
There is not a person here who will judge you. You need support right now. Please keep writing!!Hi ungrateful traitorous daughter. Firstly you are only one of those things… a daughter!! Secondly your mom certainly sounds like a compulsive gambler which I am sure you already suspect.
I know its very difficult as she is your mom and you are close but you may need a sit down talk with her. Explain your concerns and let her know that you can’t be a participant in this by driving her to the store etc. She will undoubtedly be angry but addicts always are when you come between them and their drug of choice. You know you are a good daughter and love your mom which is why this concerns you. When a CG gets angry they start manipulating and throwing all sorts of insults around. If you can find a way to let this roll over you and not bite you will have a little more success.
As she had issues with gambling in the past this isn’t just entertainment for her. Compulsive gambling is a serious progressive addiction that can sneak up on people in a matter of no time so you are right to be concerned.
Keep writing and talking… it helps to get some perspective!Hi Bonbonnie
As Velvet has said nobody here will judge you for how you deal with your son. I feel like we (Parents/Spouses etc) get to our own rock-bottom just as hopefully our CGs do.
The benefits of this site or Gamanon is that we gain some perspective on our lives. We can look at others stories and realize we are not alone and can gain courage and strength from others.
My issues were very similar to yours. My son was living rent free and was in his early 20’s. For some unknown reason I always felt sorry for him. He would gamble all his money away and then be very sorry,depressed and promise that it was the last time. So we would not charge him rent and help out so he could get back on his feet ! Then he would go on a binge, have no money again , we would be furious again and so continued the cycle! Nothing ever changed in spite of my sons continuous promises . In retrospect why would he change… he had a roof over his head, a warm bed, a car, plenty of food and ALL his money to gamble!
You will never win with an active CG. They play the victim. Talking to them is like talking to a brick wall- they can’t hear you nor do they want to.
When my husband and I started looking after ourselves and stopped buying into the chaos and drama things gradually started to shift. We started to let go of the problem and he finally started taking care of himself.
We all get there at our own pace and you coming to this site is a great first step!!Hi Bonbonnie
I too am the mom of a compulsive gambler. Unfortunately there is not a lot we can do to make a gambler realize they have a problem. Yes, they do have to hit their own “rock bottom” where their life has become unmanageable. The more you can make them responsible financially for all of their needs the sooner they will get to that bottom. An active CG is a master manipulator and when they are through with you you won’t know if you are coming or going!! Therefore, it can take a lot of courage and strength on your part to define and uphold your boundaries.
The guilt of watching them knowingly wreck their lives is gut-wrenching. We all think that if we could just find the right words he will finally realize what a mess gambling is making of his life. Those words do not exist. A compulsive gambler can not hear what you are saying.
I joined Gam-Anon as I felt I was losing my mind and sanity. It was the best thing I could do. There I met people who share stories similar to mine. I didn’t feel so lost.
I also know there is a chat group on this site which is a great way to share your burden.
Take care of yourself and learn all you can about this addiction and you will feel much better equipped to handle things!I am the mother of a CG. Yes this is definitely a long road but the more your family can learn about this disease the sooner you will be able to restore some normality to your lives.
It is definitely a plus your dads gambling is out in the open as it thrives on secrecy. I always found it to be like the elephant in the room. By the end of an argument or conversation with the gambler the rest of the family ended up looking nuts while the gambler the perfect victim. As a result of their addiction they have become incredible liars and manipulators. I believe this isn’t done purposefully to hurt us it is just what needs to be done to keep the addiction alive.
I believe it was Velvet that said she did all the wrong things for all the right reasons and this is so true. When we first enter into this we are ill prepared to deal with a gambling addict … they really are not rational / logical people while in the midst of gambling.
Arm yourselves with all the knowledge and support you can find. It is a tough go but you can find peace and sanity regardless of whether your father finds recovery.
Take care!