Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
I think we do unknowingly keep things going by giving in but as Velvet often says we do all the wrong things for the right reasons. This isn’t a quick “we know what’s wrong and so we will just fix it” situation Jenny. Everyone involved including your son has been effected by this. It is a learning process for all of you.
I think one of the hardest things is when things are going well and we think everything is good and we’ve beat this. Then bam it happens again and we are so angry, disappointed, frustrated and feel we’ve been made a fool of.
Don’t expect to much of yourself… just keep getting back on that horse and do your best!Caroline I am so sorry! You are right… it is a mess:(. It never ceases to amaze me the power a compulsive gambler can have over an entire family. It’s so hard to explain… why is everybody so afraid to let them fall and face the consequences of their actions. We all have done it…lots!
His parents are doing what they think parents should do and that is look after and fix their son’s messes. It’s what parents naturally do but it is not helping. I think a good honest conversation with your friend would be so helpful. Currently both you and his parents are so entrenched in his addiction that nobody has any perspective on what is happening.
Do you have a Gam Anon meeting close by? I really think you need some support. I don’t mean people telling you what to do but some people who have been there to just listen!
Change is hard Caroline for both the addict and those affected by it. With some support you will get stronger.Cathy
I am the mom of a compulsive gambler and I too live in Western Canada:) I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation… it really sucks!
Your husband still is a wonderful man but he is also an addict. Trying to love the husband hate the addict can be virtually impossible hence, wanting to rip his head off. Here is a place where nothing you say will shock or surprise anybody. I think it is so important to acknowledge it and get it off your chest as living in the chaos that a gambler can create has us thinking we are losing our minds. You can get some perspective listening and talking/writing to others!
As Velvet says the shaming, swearing etc. do no good… they can not hear you. The most important thing to do is to remove ANY access to money, credit etc that you can. At least this gives you control of the financial well being of you and your girls. Only he can decide this is a problem for him and that he needs help. However, by cutting off his access to money and not engaging in the lies, manipulation and general chaos you may be able to help him reach that point.
I would also suggest you see if you have a Gam Anon in your area… it has been an invaluable source of support for me!Take Care and keep posting!
Cathy
I am so very sorry that you are in such a difficult and painful position. You can only keep on doing what you are… getting some support for yourself and hoping that your husband finds his way to recovery.
Please take care of yourself. Its too easy to get lost in the chaos which does nobody any good.Hi JennyT
I agree with Vera… addicts thrive on chaos … anything to take the spotlight off themselves and get you thinking its your problem (sorry Vera if that sounds harsh – just my experience). It’s not that he is going out of his way to hurt you it’s just the only way to keep the addiction going.
I actually blocked my son’s # from my cell phone as I couldn’t trust myself to not react. You will get played as long as you react and again Vera not to sound insensitive … CG are very good at spinning things and getting what they need.
Maybe for now keep any communication to an absolute minimum . Leave him to find his way.I am the mom of a compulsive gambler. It is a very manipulative, insidious addiction that can completely destroy a family both financially and emotionally before you know what is going on.
My advice would be to gain TOTAL control of the finances. I know it feels like you are dealing with a child but you really need to take away any access your husband has to money.
I kind of feel that as for the relationship you should put off doing anything about that until the dust settles. I say this only as it sounds virtually impossible for you to support yourself at the momen and with your husband in the state he is in he won’t be of much help on his own. If he refuses to cooperate in letting you take control then I guess you will have to take action sooner than later.
You are in an awful situation and must feel totally trapped… I am so sorry.
Keep writing and perhaps join the F&F chat on Tuesday. You will be able to get more insight from the other spouses!Recovery from addiction is a lot of work … whether you are the CG in recovery or the one supporting the gambler. It is also not a straight line. In my experience there is a lot of progress followed by periods of regress. I think that is why we are told to try and develop some boundaries. The boundaries are not meant as punishment for the CG but things that we will not put up with … to protect ourselves. This also helps as we look after the things that we can control and “try” and let go of the things we can’t control. I’m certainly not great at this yet but continue to work at it.
I agree that your ex did not ask for this addiction. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. It crushes me to see my son struggle with this. Your ex may have just hit his rock bottom whereby he realizes his gambling is a problem,however, it can take time to see real change. Velvet is right… we develop an armour as we have been lied to and manipulated many times so its always in the back of your mind! We are terrified of being hurt again. If we get strong we are able to stand up to the addiction.Oh my goodness JennyT life has really thrown you some curve balls! I wouldn’t be surprised if you were depressed as sometimes everything just piles on and it’s more than we can handle. With or without an addict in our lives life can be difficult at times.
I’m not sure what to suggest in dealing with your ex. He obviously has quite a few issues to work through and I think it is safe to say that the less contact you have with him the better. I don’t think he is in any position to be supportive to you so I would just not count on him for anything. It would at least end some of the frustration. Try and turn to people you can count on to help you through this difficult time… friends, other family members perhaps.
Remember that “this too shall pass”.
Take Care
CathyYou are not going crazy Toyman! You are living with an active CG and it can be incredibly frustrating and chaotic.
Talking and trying to reason with your wife at the moment is probably useless. As you have said she will undoubtedly tell you she is done this time for sure. I believe she really does mean that and doesn’t go out of her way to hurt you but it is an incredibly strong addiction and it usually gets its way.
I agree that gaining control of the money is your first order of business. This means all the money. Until they have some recovery behind them any access to money can be to tempting . She will not like this at all and it will hurt both of you but it really needs to be done.
This helps with abstaining from gambling which at least gives everybody time to breath but if she is to find true recovery it is up to her to seek. As Velvet says perhaps you could get her to go to a GA group and see if thats something she may be interested in. I know where I am there are meetings for woman only which is also another option.
It’s HARD toyman but there is help and support for both of you when you’re ready.
CathyHi Jenny T
Thinking of you and hope you are managing ok.
Sadly I can’t participate in the chat as I think I am 8 hours behind you guys and I am still at work!
I know that feeling of worrying about the future for your son. I just want him to be able to have a partner and children (if he wants) but on the other hand until he has found lasting recovery that would be so unfair on a partner.
He has tried different types of therapy (mainly 1-on-1) but quite honestly I don’t think he was ready as he didn’t believe compulsive gambling could be something he couldn’t control. We don’t have anything like GM where I live. He has had his most success with GA. At first it was difficult as he was the youngest but he has been going for 1 1/2 years and is very comfortable. I have certainly seen a ton of change in him for the better though there have been relapses ( slips ). I think for both our sons they at least have some recovery behind them and are not in denial that there is a problem so I do think they will get there!
I may be off base with this opinion but I also feel because they are fairly young men their brains don’t grasp the seriousness of this illness. They don’t have enough life experience to feel the loss it can create? Not sure what you think about that.
There is always hope Anni and even if its 1 step forward 2 steps back they are making progress!Joining the F&F chat will be the perfect medicine for you! We all need support. I think as a parent we feel that this is ours to solve, to fix, to make all right and don’t realize that we are slowly dying ourselves.
You love your son and have done everything humanly possible to help but now its time to help you!
Wish I could join you!Ditto Vera’s advice Kevin. The threat of suicide is the ultimate card … it stops you in your tracks. I have had those threats by my CG and it is awful and as Vera says such a heavy burden.
However, you really have to take them seriously for both your mom’s sake and your own. I took my son to urgent care when he threatened it. It was awful but at least you know you have done everything you can.
Take Care
Cathy