[worriedmama]

Hi Sully

The hardest thing for the non CG is that we also tend to isolate. We spend a LOT of time trying to figure out how we can help,fix, change the gamblers in our lives because we love them. I think Velvet is bang on… when we try and get busy living our own lives it benefits both us and our gamblers… it certainly can’t hurt:).
I know for me I realized that I felt guilty a lot… how could I live a happy life while my son was struggling so much?? The problem is was that it didn’t help either him or me… we were both miserable. Sometimes the more we back away the more our gamblers have the space to start managing their own lives.
Keep posting,read other posts on here. As Velvet says…you are being heard and supported:)

[worriedmama]

I know you feel so helpless but there really isn’t a lot you can do to help your husband:(. As they say if love were enough there wouldn’t be any addicts.
I would really encourage him to get back to either GA or AA or some counselling? The addictions need to be worked through trying to “beat” them on sheer will power is virtually impossible.
Perhaps you could find a Gam Anon or Al Anon group. You really need some support with this. Neither your husband or you can do this alone Sully86.
Keep posting.

[worriedmama]

Gambling addiction never just goes away on it’s own. A CG can abstain for time but if the problem isn’t addressed it will always resurface.
If you put the $130 in the account for her you are just perpetuating the addiction. I know she truly believes this will be the “last” time lesson learned but realistically this is just not so.
Your mom will not get to the point of wanting to stop her addiction until what she is doing no longer works. Nothing changes if nothing changes. You can change how you deal with her which will in turn force her to change or not.
Take care:)

[worriedmama]

Addiction unfortunately brings out the worst in everybody… the addict and those they love. As Velvet says your mom is not stupid, she is an addict who after that first bet is made has literally no control over her gambling.
Although for the most part for her it is not about the money for your dad and family it is most definitely the money that is a problem right now. If you could sit down with your dad and cut virtually all her access to money it can help to bring her to her “rock bottom”. As you have probably figured out a compulsive gambler can be very manipulative and have no trouble lying to get the money to feed their addiction so you may also want to tell any friends or family that they should not be giving her money.
I know it is so very frustrating to be in the middle of this but unfortunately nothing you say or do is going to help her recover… that must come from her.

[worriedmama]

Here is your hug (((((gem))))) so you don’t have to wait for your mom:)
Patience…Everything you’re feeling is normal. It’s hard when everything comes tumbling down. One thing I have started is meditation (I know it sounds really new age, psycho babbly) but learning to quiet the mind can be quite helpful.
Take Care
Cathy

[worriedmama]

Wow those are a lot of questions V!!! I’m going to try to answer them.
My son bottomed out about 2 years ago. He finally admitted he was a compulsive gambler after years of fighting with himself that he was “different” and could get this under control on his own.
I had started attending Gam Anon about 6 months before this. I honestly could no longer cope. I don’t know if I thought it was my fault that he became a CG but I certainly felt that I was c**p as a mom because I couldn’t fix this for him. It was heart wrenching as each time the bottoms became so low and he was so destroyed, I would give him my best “mom” pep talk and all would be good for a bit then BAM back to square one.
Even with him attending GA it has been hard. He is only now just starting to embrace recovery(I think). Previously I was pretty certain that he was just going and hoping that by sitting in the room that would be good enough.
His slips all seem to revolve around feelings of worthlessness which anybody looking in from the outside would not get as he appears to have it all. I know with absolute certainty where these feelings originate from and I think he does too but not sure he has tackled them.
He is still living with us and at his request I have complete control of all his finances. At least this gives him a fighting chance to get some “sober” time behind him whilst he works on the bigger issues. It’s funny his days of sobriety no longer seem important to me.
On my end I am no longer angry. I am just so sad that this addiction gripped my son… it must be awful being so afraid of yourself all the time. We seem to be at a much better place as a family. It’s not the “dirty” secret it once was and it no longer holds power over us. The chaos seems to be gone (for the most part).

As with everybody its ODAAT, some days not so good but all in all life most definitely is:)

[worriedmama]

All of your emotions are normal! Realizing that you have been living with a CG turns your world upside down and makes you doubt everything about your relationship.
Yes you have been living with a liar for 2 years but that was the addict not the husband you love and married. The addiction is all consuming and they truly are 2 people… gambler and your husband.
You have done well to start taking over the finances. Although this feels like you are treating him like a child it can be a huge help to a recovering gambler. You wouldn’t leave alcohol readily available if he was an alcoholic. I found myself thinking ” I shouldn’t have to look after his money or ask for receipts” etc. but you now have a new normal and its honestly easier if you don’t fight it… it is what it is.
Go easy on yourself. This is not about the destination, it’s about the journey. Step back from it as much as you can to keep your perspective. Its so easy to get sucked into the chaos. Keep writing and see if you can find some support via a Gam Anon group.

You are not alone and you are doing great:)

Cathy

[worriedmama]

Thanks for thinking of me!

As you know Velvet being the mom of a CG has it’s own set of dynamics. We are used to “helping” and “fixing” the problems of our kids. Problem was that I didn’t realize that my son had become a young man. I didn’t to realize that he had grown up and all my wonderful advice and help was actually hurting him and frustrating the h**l out of me as time and time again it was ignored.
We have been on this rollercoaster for going on 9 years. My son has been going to GA for going on 2 years. Though he has had multiple relapses I truly do feel he is making progress. He is happier and more honest. As long as he continues to make progress and accept responsibility for his addiction my husband and I continue to support him.
I am so proud of his efforts… its not easy and would not wish it on anybody.
Being here is like going to GA for the addict… it helps keep me grounded. It’s so much easier to see things more clearly when looking at others’ situations. I get a better perspective.
I agree with you Vera we mom’s(as I know you know) are easily manipulated by are little babies- and particularly sons. I have had the wool pulled over my eyes more times than a care to admit. We no longer give him $$ for anything. I am lucky as I have a great Gam Anon group (albeit most members are spouses) that gives wonderful support. They are all just a text or call away when I am doubting myself- which thankfully is getting less.

It’s not easy on either side of the fence but knowing there are people nearby and on the other side of the world that support and “get” you makes all the difference in the world.

Cathy

[worriedmama]

Your post is not at all disjointed. Living with an active gambler can turn your world upside down. They can be very manipulative and nasty when you come between them and their gambling.
Is there any way you can get yourself to a Gam Anon meeting? When we live with a compulsive gambler our own thinking and perspective can become very warped. To be able to sit in a room with people that share similar stories can be immensely helpful.
You will never be able to change your girlfriend so you are left with trying to change yourself and your reactions to her gambling and abuse.

[worriedmama]

Thanks Sad… done. Today is officially Day 1.

I truly wish you a life of recovery from this awful addiction.

Best Wishes

Cathy

[worriedmama]

Sad I have no desire for you to leave this site. I had never read your thread before but when you chose a newcomer on the F&F side to pick a battle on what we refer to the gambler in our lives (CGs) I thought it was inappropriate… like you just my opinion.
You had my post removed and then began a full on attack of F&F which again is your right. I do however, have a problem that when you put up controversial posts and cry “bully” when a response was made.
I am not nor have I ever been a bully or any of the other derogatory names you have referred to me as. I am a mother of a son who has been a compulsive gambler for going on 9 years. We have been to hell and back with suicide attempts, depression , and a million other things that come with being a CG.
So ya I don’t appreciate the passive/aggressive threads and posts you write.

[worriedmama]

Hi Vera

I am the bully (as well as numerous other not so nice things) that Sad has been referring to in her posts. I started following your thread since you started posting on the F & F side occasionally. I was hesitant for posting on your thread for fear that it would not be welcome but really wanted to offer my support to you. I know I am painted in a different light but I want for nobody to suffer with this addiction.

Sorry for the s**tstorm that this has created.

PS – You had written in one of your posts that “God loves a trier” – It’s become my new mantra.

Cathy

[worriedmama]

I too am the mom of a compulsive gambler. It is an awful addiction and am so sorry you have hit such a low… especially being the holidays.
I know this doesn’t sound very useful but if you guys can take a few deep breaths and a step back you will stand a far better chance of coming out the other side of this. As parents we get so wrapped up in trying to help and fix we take all the responsibility away from the addict. Your son certainly didn’t ask for this addiction , however, he is the only one who can work his recovery… while you guys work yours.
I know how difficult this is but there is no quick fix. Can you see if you can find a Gam Anon group you could attend for support. Knowing I was not alone was a true blessing to me.

Keep posting and try and enjoy the rest of your Christmas!

PS My son has left suicide notes and I have recently had him in emergency for cutting himself. You take threats of self harm seriously but ultimately there is precious little you can do:(
Take Care
Cathy

[worriedmama]

My son is a compulsive gambler also. He has never gone to rehab but goes to GA. He has had a few relapses along the way. It is a very hard and mentally exhausting road being the mom of a CG!
Keep posting… it helps to share your struggles!
Cathy

[worriedmama]

Agree with all above. Christmas is but one day yet it has somehow become this huge measuring stick with a lot of self imposed stress! Kind of like I imagine Facebook must be!
It always makes me nervous as my son is far more sensitive to all the stresses of the season. Perhaps not having money to buy gifts he would like, the guilt associated with having lost so much money, thinking that others are so much happier and further along in their lives etc. I wish he could see that is the opposite. That the family and friends he has love him, that money or gifts is not going to change any of that and that in reality as mentioned no family or person is perfect. We ALL have our struggles.
Christmas to me is the perfect time to count all my blessings and all that I have instead of what is lacking.
I wish you all a Merry Christmas!
To Vera & Micky and all those on the other side of the forum I wish you courage and strength as you continue in your recoveries!!
Cathy

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