Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Hope
I know this is so hard but try to keep reminding yourself that this is his to deal with. If he chooses to ignore the debt he will have to deal with the consequences.You have put yourself in a position of feeling responsible for what he does with his funds on payday. I know that feeling… Constantly watching,.. What are they doing, how do they sound, do they “get it” finally. He will do what he will do and you will drive yourself crazy in the meantime.
I know he is your son and you love him to bits but look at your last 2 sentences… You feel abused and controlled. Hope this is something you can change. You going down with your son is not going to help anybody … Yourself, your husband, your other children or especially your son. Look after yourself and reclaim your life!
None of this is easy ( I have been working on this for 9 years ) but when you can start letting go of the outcome your life will start to become more manageable and happy.Try to find the little things that bring you happiness that have NOTHING to do with your son today!
You haven’t lost your son…he is in there somewhere…unfortunately it’s up to him when he reappears:(.
It’s totally normal to feel sad cuz it is a sad situation. Try and force yourself to put thoughts of your son and all his baggage away for a while… Time away from the addiction will give you perspective and do you a world of good! Not easy I know but with practice you will get better at it! 🙂
Firstly so sorry that both you and your son are dealing with a gambling addiction.
My 27 year old son has been a compulsive gambler since he was about 18. I’m in Canada and we don’t have anything like the GM program so I had him to 3 different therapists trying to find something to “fix” this. Problem was he wasn’t “all in” so to speak. I know he didn’t want the problems that gambling brought but he also didn’t believe that this was a problem that he had no power over. He tried for years to do it his way and it never worked
Like you we have been to hell and back. Lying , stealing, threats and attempts of suicide, emotional blackmail beyond anything I thought possible and one day I just cracked and hit the proverbial rock bottom.
I went to a Gam Anon meeting and started looking after myself and the rest of my family. A compulsive gambler has the uncanny ability to make everything about them. They can have your head spinning in no time and have you apologizing for any and everything.
Nobody can get you to your rock bottom just as your son has to hit his own. When you are ready you will start making boundaries of what YOU will and will not allow both in your home and to you as a person. It’s not easy and it’s a constant work in progress but everybody deserves respect in their own home.
Once you get into the practice of not being drawn into or engaging with the nonsense it’s amazing how quickly it subsides.
Your sons recovery from addiction lies completely in his hands but how you react and the boundaries you set lie completely in yours.It’s all so very frustrating and heartbreaking but try not to let yourself go down the rabbit hole with them!
Take care of yourself:)
Hi
I think you know in your heart she is gambling. In all honesty what is getting “proof” going to achieve? Even with iron clad proof an active CG will spin it every which way.
I also don’t think that marriage counselling would help as she is still very much in denial and until the addiction is being managed you won’t be able to make any headway.
Though it’s my son that is the gambler I still know how you feel. Like you are losing your mind as they are SO convincing and manipulative and make you feel like you are the one with the problem. If you can get yourself to a Gam Anon group where you are amongst people facing the exact same issues you can at least get some perspective and support. You will be amazed at the relief it can provide.
Right now everything in your home is all about her… there comes a time when it’s time to look after the rest of you and stop letting her and her addiction dictate your lives.
Keep writing and learning.
Cathyx
I am the mom of a 27 year old compulsive gambler (in recovery now). I make no pretence about knowing how you feel. However, what I can tell you about my experience is that my son won large amounts of money twice (that I know) and both times declared he was done with gambling and both times was NOT done with gambling. I think it would be rare for a CG to be able to quit on the heels of a win…Just my opinion.
I know you don’t feel able to tell anybody about this due to your shame but in the end it’s not sharing and exposing that shame that will keep drawing you back to the escape gambling provides. A GA group is anonymous and at least sharing with them you can start to heal?? It is a big burden to carry on your own.Cathyx
I’m sure that was VERY hard to write but it sounds like you’ve taken your first step to a genuine recovery.
All the best as you start your journey.
Cathyx
My son started gambling compulsively at about 18 years old… he is 27 now. We were on the CG roller coaster for years. A lot of denial (on both of our parts), drama & chaos continuously, tears, threats, ultimatums, screaming… I’m sure you get the picture. Finally one day I felt like I was going to lose my mind if something didn’t change and found a Gam Anon group. That was 2 1/2 years ago and it has helped to give me my life back. Support and suggestions from people who are/have been where you are.
My son always maintained GA wasn’t for him. As Velvet mentioned it’s hard as they can’t manipulate or lie in a group of their peers. One day about 6 months after I started he just decided he would try. That was 2 years ago. He as been going to 1 or 2 meetings a week since. There have been relapses since but he is in genuine recovery… not just abstinence.
I know it’s hard but you have to put your all into YOU. Learn what you can and can’t control. Figure what it is that you want by stepping back and away from the chaos.
Try Gam Anon , try the F & F chat and keep learning all you can about this addiction.
Take Care
Cathyx
Can you find a Gam Anon group nearby. You really could use some support and suggestions from others that are living with this. It’s really hard to do alone and I can see that you are struggling:( There is also a F&F chat on Tuesdays that could help.
Unfortunately nobody is going to be able to help get your husband to quit but there are things you can do to start making your life more manageable. Please reach out for support… you and your son are so worth it!!Cathyx
You are in a very tough spot. You can’t really support or help a person who doesn’t really think he needs help. Forcing him to see somebody will not have the desired result… they will undoubtedly just lie and manipulate the therapist and tell them what they want to hear. My son is a compulsive gambler and I had him to 3 therapists over the years and the only result was I was out a LOT of money. I think that is why GA seems to work for so many is because it’s very difficult to lie. But you can’t force him into a GA room either:(
I attend Gam Anon which for me was a lifesaver as I truly thought I was losing my mind. If you can find one and attend it helps you with support and get some much needed perspective! We close each meeting with the Serenity Prayer
God grant me the Serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
the Courage to change they things I can,
and the Wisdom to know the difference.Take Care
Cathyx
I am the mom of a CG but can absolutely feel your anger, frustration and sadness. Living with an active CG is a nightmare. Their addiction brings chaos, drama and dysfunction into a family and leaves you wondering “how did this happen to us”.
You are in a very tough spot. Can you get to a Gam Anon meeting? I know at mine there are a lot of suggestions for the financial issues. I see what you mean about it being hard not to enable him as you are the main provider but you don’t want to be responsible for the debt he is creating. Try and get the financial side looked after first and then deal with the rest.
An active CG can and will take you down to the bottom if you let them.
I am so sorry you are going through this … please take care of yourself and your kids! Keep posting.:)There is no reason you should give him the benefit of the doubt. For a person living with a CG trust can take a very long time to return… and that’s okay.
Try and shift the perspective from not what you can do to help him to what can you do to help you. You have to get a little bit selfish and make sure your needs especially financial are being met.
The stress of this can really hurt us Louise both mentally and physically. I always try to think what suggestions would I make to a sister or friend going thru this… is there something that you can do to help reduce the stress ?I am the mom of a compulsive gambler. Good on you for coming here and trying to get help/support. I can tell from your post that you have all the “normal” feelings of being a family member of a CG… anger,fear, confusion and probably the biggest one- FRUSTRATION!!
This is a very tough and unrelenting addiction. Once it has it’s hooks in someone it is not an easy journey for anybody involved. While your mom will never be cured it can absolutely be controlled. The hard part for those that love her is that only she can get herself to that point.
I think it is time you shared this with her partner. This is too much for you to look after and it’s not fair. Addiction thrives on secrecy so if you can talk with your mom and her partner and come up with a plan to protect her money that would be a great start.
Unfortunately this addiction doesn’t just start out of nowhere and it will not just disappear over night. I know your mom says she is done with gambling and I am sure she really means it right now but realistically from what you write she isn’t there yet so yes I’m afraid she will probably relapse. This doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want to stop and there is no hope but she is just starting her journey.
To help her I would try being honest with her and not let her be dishonest with you. We have a habit of walking on eggshells around a CG as they can quite easily convince us that it is us who are nuts.
There is a thread on here called the F&F cycle. Have a look at that. Maybe if possible you could find a Gam Anon group … it can be invaluable providing you some much needed advice and support.
At the end of the day this is not your problem to fix. Please don’t feel guilty – you are young and have your studies and your life to live. You can support her but should not be putting more work into this than your mom.Please take care and keep posting.
It really makes you realize how the gambling is just a symptom of a bigger problem.
You are reclaiming your life and self and that is such a positive thing.Jilly… to add to the list.
– Anger, anger, anger @ the CG and ourselves. (not a pretty emotion in a mom)I’m so sorry for all that you have gone through Mermaid yet am equally happy that you made the decision to put yourself first and get out… that takes a lot of courage.
It’s funny, it is so much easier to see a situation for what it is when we are not involved. When it’s our own we just have to see it through… so we know we did all we could and have no regrets.
Good for you!Cathy
You are in a very difficult spot. Gambling addiction thrives on secrecy… everybody knows it’s going on but are afraid to confront the gambler it can cause a lot of conflict.
If your dad is a compulsive gambler he is not going to stop until he is ready. Having said that your mom and you need to protect yourself financially as it is very possible that monies for bills, mortgage etc will be spent on gambling.
Perhaps try talking to your mom… get her opinion on what she thinks is going on.
Sorry, I know this must be such a burden on you and it really is so unfair:( Try to remember it is not up to you to fix this.