[WorriedGF17]

Hi, yes I do love him and yes I do hope “love concours all” but I also feel more realistic than I was the last few(!) times he told me he’s gambled. Originally he said he would go to GA which never happened and hasn’t been spoken about since which was really disappointing for me (particularly after saying he would go and then a week later saying he only said that for me, which I knew at the time anyway) he did buy a self-help type book and said it was really useful and advised me to read it too which I may do at some point. As previously mentioned he went to counselling earlier in the year which at the time I believed worked, however it clearly didn’t as well as I’d hoped.

I’ve spoken to my mum about it at length for the first time and feel that I have told her and a few other close friends as I know deep down eventually it will come to an end, but I still really don’t want it to. We’ve obviously spoken since I’ve been home but I feel distant from him, he’s saying all these things about how next year will be our best ever and he’s really excited for what will happen (to be fair, 2017 has been awful for me even without this) but I can’t help not feel as enthusiastic as he is making out. We’ve spoken again about getting a pet early next year and he said again he wants a puppy which I was anxious about as I said when he told me about the gamblimg I don’t want to do or make any decision that ties us together, and I still stand by that but again if he knew that he would be crushed.

The time apart for my own headspace has been really useful, and speaking to my friends (rather than our mutual friends) has been good for me. I’m hoping I will feel better when I’m back with him and as I have said before this aside he is who I want my future with, but I don’t know (/don’t think definitely at the moment) that I could live with the thought of is he or isn’t he gambling looming over our relationship, particularly if we had joint responsibilities such as children.

Again I don’t know what I want to get out of saying this anonymously on a forum, I think it’s just getting it out of my head rather than wanting an answer from someone (because I guess I know the answer?) but this is helping me

[WorriedGF17]

Hi Velvet, thanks for getting back to me. To be honest since I first posted this 4 weeks ago it’s still constantly been on my mind, I’ve come back home for Christmas (my family are in Norfolk, boyfriend stayed with his in Wales due to work commitments) and more than ever I feel like I’m still talking myself round to the idea that we will end at some point and I still have no faith that he won’t gamble again, which is awful to say and he would be crushed if he knew I was thinking this.

Again, I don’t want us to end and I want all the things in the future that he says he wants to, but the more I’m thinking about it and speaking to my friends from home the more I am convincing myself that nothing is going to change and we will end. This is an illness hes had for 12 years, he has made these promises to me before about stopping which haven’t happened and I also haven’t followed through and left when I said I wouldn’t put up with it any more. I’ve said to myself if anything happened again in the next 6 months then that’s it, and if it doesn’t then I need to have a long hard think about whether I can cope with living with this, which right now I don’t think I can (which opens up the question I that if I know now I can’t live with it then why am I continuing the relationship, but that’s an issue I just don’t want to/can’t face yet). My last relationship ended very suddenly and unexpectedly and I was left living on my friends sofa for a month so I think part of me thinking over the worst case scenario is that I don’t want to be in that situation again when if the worst happens I won’t know what to do, luckily the house I bought this year is in my name only and I could afford to live on my income alone if it came to that. I feel even more down and confused about everything than I have done the last few weeks when we were in the same house before I came home for Christmas. I know I need to make my own decision and no one can tell me whether to stay or not, and it will take time for me to decide what I want to do but this is so so hard.

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