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Today i turned 39. And i didnt gamble. Still feeling the urges though.

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Good morning. I woke up way too early today and because its raining outside and i have nothing better to do i’ll might as well write something here. These kind of days are the worst, i’ve got 4hrs before i have to go to work and nothing to do, so my mind goes back to gambling. I have the urges, the need to gamble, just to pass some time. I live in Finland, im part of a nation which is ranked on top as the happiest place to live. Also on top as highest rank of suicides per capita. Here we have slotmachines on crocery stores and gas stations and the gambling is monopolised by the goverment. This country has now finally awoken on the gambling problem that many finns have. Slotmachines soon will have mandatory identification with limits and there has been discussions on payment blocks to prevent taxpayers money going outside Finnish borders, sadly you can easily just use skrill or any payment service available, it would be better to make it illegal to casinos to accept finnish players, but what would i know? Im just a degenerate gambler… I started gambling on those slotmachines sitting on the corner of every grocery store. Nobody cared back then if you were under age. The gambling problem runs deep in this country’s veins. Every week you read about some poor soul Who has gambled their live away, i remember this nice young bank lady Who signed our bank loan, she had been caught stealing money from the bank and gambled away hundreds of thousands euros. Im glad that i’m not able to access any money at my boring job. That could have easily been me.

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Well i have managed not to gamble, probably because i have no money on my account. Still feeling like shit, its worse when im alone.

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You know that good feeling that comes after you decide to stop gambling? It doesnt last very long. In Fact, it lasts lesser and lesser after everytime you make that promise not to gamble. The world around you doesnt change even if you try to. I havent gambled today and i feel tired, anxious and bored.

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“There are no atheists in foxholes”. That may be the truth. I’m in no way a religious person, i resigned from the church when i was 19years old and i listen to heavy metal for god sakes. That doesnt mean that i havent been on my knees praying to god to help me to stop. I remember as i kid to having a some kind of a religious happening so even if god hasnt help me to quit gambling, i like to think there is something out there, and that kinda comforts me. I said a quiet prayer again today while thinking about my life. Im feeling kinda optimistic before going to the nightshift for my boring job at the factory.

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Well, i got an email today from a casinosite that i forgot to close. Played 10 freespins that i got and closed the site, didnt deposit though, probably would have if id had any money. I consider this a relapse.

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