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Hi Jenny,
I’m White Tara and new to the forums. As a way of an introduction before I make comment, a month ago I ended an 11 year relationship with my CG. I learned more than I wanted to about gambling and have been taken to all the emotional highs and lows I never thought possible. LIke we all have. Done things I never thought I would do, stupid, stupid things, some I daresay fraudulent. I had been dissociating for the last couple of years (my cg and I were not in a romantic relationship or married or had kids,but we did love each other and lived together in my house ). Everything came to a crisis point and I had to take direct action to protect myself. I sought help from Gamcare and the National Problem Gambling Centre and Women’s organisations.As a result I do have a 12 month non-molestation order too protect me now. Today I feel the safest I’ve felt in a long time. I am getting to know myself again as I was swallowed up into the black abyss of an enabler. I used to say there were three entities in this relationship, me, the CG and gambling!! I have cried everyday but each day is getting easier. When I feel myself feeling sorry for him or remember some of the fun times, I bring myself back to the reasons why I had to take the actions I did, to protect myself and my future. I wanted a gambling free future no matter how much I loved my CG. He was always in denial….I eventually learnt I had to put myself first and I don’t regret it.
So I read your first post and saw it was written in 2015. So I scooted down to the last couple of messages to see where your at now.
In all honesty I read your last post and I felt such anxiety and sickness. Like Vera says WAKE UP!!! and I’m saying HE HAS WORKED HIS WAY BACK IN!!!!! Look at how far he has pushed you, look at how leaky your boundaries have become and in a short space of time.
Now you have to go back to where you were previously and make up a story as to why he can’t see the children. Your head is spinning!!
Have you checked out his browsing history on the internet? or has he cleaned it?
Maybe it is time to think about getting some kind of legal protection for yourself especially if he’s using your name and got access to inside your house when you’re not there.
Ultimately, you know what you have to do.
Love and Light
Tara
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Dear Logic,
I’m glad that sharing some of my experience with you was useful to you.
It’s amazing to reflect and hear back the ‘your this, your that messages we project on to others and really we’re talking about ourselves.
After my first therapy session I reflected back on the gambling in our relationship wondering how the f*** did I get here. Then recently I’ve got into astrology and found gambling in my birth chart. (Of course always bet on the Grand National until the last few years and did the pools coupons in my teens) Well blow me down with a feather…. I did know he was a gambler before he moved in with me and when he moved in I don’t think he was active, certainly not online anyway….at some point he started doing football coupons on a Saturday and I ended up doing it with him for about a year, then we’d play the free online poker games…then at some point it started to turn sour…. when I think back to some of the things I tried to do to help him at various points of the relationship, different strategies including looking at astrology!!!Our relationship was co-dependent too with me having attachment issues, so I know there’s things I need to look at too.
Let your CG be in denial of his problems, let him worry about it, actually you know this already, he’s not worrying at all because the gambling monster won’t let him. Gambling monster’s will to survive is greater…Don’t let your stuff equal out his stuff to put you back on the same footing. You know this already.
THe only question you need to ask your self and you’ve already done it is this, Do you want gambling in your life? When you ask the question it’s an easy answer it’s either yes or no.
The road out can take quite a while because of the emotional investment, but you are in a good position because you’re not living with CG and sounds like you have good circle of friends outside of gambling. Have you confided in any of your real life friends what’s going on?
Apologies if I sound preachy etc I know every relationship is different but the underlying processes and systems are the same.
Have a good day!
Hi CD Husband,
you know in 2000 I was studying at university and during my research I came across a website that was for the widows (wives) of gamers playing an online game called Everquest. These gamer’s were hard core..wouldn’t even leave the game to go to the toilet (they’d pee in a bottle!!). I’m not sure how much money is involved however the chemical reactions in the brain are the same as any other addiction. Here’s a web address for you, it may help regarding the gaming aspect too.
http://www.olganon.org/forum/i-need-help-spousessignificant-others-open-forum/everquest-widows-site
My relationship with my CG was co-dependent too as I have attachment issues. We spent our last night together a month ago today. We were together for 11 years. I started dissociating almost 3 years ago and last summer I spent a significant amount of time away from him. During that time I felt like I was de-toxing and withdrawing from him on all levels. The scene in the bedroom was dead for many years. Because of his gambling and associated behaviours (some of which happened outside of a gambling cycle) I ended up living in my bedroom!! However I digress, I too started to carve a life outside of the home for myself. I had to do something or I’d go mad. So for a few months there were no requests for money. It was a joy to spend my money on my self and treat myself to simple pleasures that I’d not enjoyed for many years. I thought perhaps he wasn’t gambling. I never asked him about his gambling because I didn’t want to get involved even though at the same time I was enabling him (he coerced money out of me). When I came home, I didn’t see him gamble (online ) for about 6/7 weeks and I thought things were turning a corner, I started to relax a bit but then the ‘demands/asks’ started again…..RELAPSE time. I made the decision to end the relationship. It was crucifying me to know that I had a part to play in his illness and at the same time, I was not protecting myself. I had to seek an external intervention and when the end came it wasn’t a pretty ending and it didn’t happen the way I wanted it too.. Everything that happened in our gambling relationship over 11 years ie all the ways he got money or I got for him through loans etc, happened over a 6 week period, so I truly hit my rock bottom (for the umpteenth time !!! ) I was at crisis point and had to take direct positive action for both him and I. I’ve felt pretty numb for the last month but have cried everyday. I did and probably still do love him but I love my self too and I deserve to live my life not just to exist as somebody else’s whipping post or personal ATM!! I’m starting to thaw now but am going through a grieving process for the relationship. But everyday I thaw, I have to be careful not spending too much time feeling sorry for him…I bring myself back to centre to remind myself why we can’t be in each others lives and what it would be like if he was to come back. When I cry they are tears of release not longing. I’ve cried every day and still have some crying left to do. Still it’s a full moon in Leo Friday/Saturday. I will perform a forgiveness and gratitude ceremony. My CG (May God protect him and guide him back to the right path) will be on the top of the list, but he will also be top of my Gratitude list. It is a magical full moon, full of new beginnings, so I’m taking time to reflect what new experiences/activities/routines do I want in my life.
It sounds to me like you know what your decision is, it’s just doing it, planning it, …I don’t know if you have abuse in your relationship but if there is, the most dangerous time in a relationship is when you leave it!!
I found the activities I started in September are sustaining me through this period.
Whatever you decide, it has to be right for you and you alone.
Good luck.xDear Jonny, congratulations! This is a brand new year for you full of new beginnings. An excellent way to start the year.
Vicky you are not the jailer, gambling is the jailer. The gambling is making you have to change your behaviours to fit in around the gambling. If your husband is gambling online, can you use the room where he is gambling? Does he become aggressive when he’s chasing a losing bet? Has he always got a good hunch? Has he threatened and coerced you into giving him money? The days that his score line has come in and he hasn’t had any money on it, does he take it out on you or the kids? Has he destroyed property?Does he verbally/physically/emotionally abuse you as a result of the gambling. I can appreciate you have 14 years of your life invested with him but the last 2 sound like they’ve been hell and you got married during that time. I’m not being judgemental just wondering if there were any promises to give up gambling….I’ve become really cynical, so please forgive me.
Hello Vicky, I think I can relate to some of what you are going through. I see your husband has only been gambling for 2 years that you know of.
I just left my husband and he’d been gambling for the whole of our relationship. He had his first gamble of the new year 6 days (new year new start) in and I was gone the next week. I was a broken woman on the verge of a breakdown. It was coercive and it was abusive and it was a dirty secret.The first time he stole some jewellery to pawn, I called Gamblers Anonymous and they told me to get him out as fast as I could. I never did and have paid for it ever since. I had some time away from home for some of last year and I felt like I was on a detox. When I got back I didn’t see him gamble (online gambling) for 6 weeks. After that it was back to the same old same old. But it felt like I’d had a relapse and that I was the one with the problem. I came to a realisation I wasn’t helping him and I had to protect myself. It’s a horrible feeling to know that you can no longer trust the person you love. It sounds like you are probably doing stuff for him that he is quite capable of doing himself, which takes time and energy away from looking after your own and your children’s needs. Unfortunately, while your husband may well feel guilty and shameful and says he knows what he’s doing to you and the family, the gambling monster will always put its needs first, it really does not care about you and while it controls your husband, he will never be able to love you the way you want. I sincerely apologise for being so blunt and direct. But I’ve been where you are and then some, but I don’t have children. Only you know what the right decision is to make and perhaps you need extra support to make an informed decision. You may have done this already but have you contacted Gamcare (you can be assessed for counselling by them) or the National Problem Gambling Centre? I hope you find the help and support you need. Do you really want to be doing this in 10 years time?Oh Michelle, that must’ve been a massive shock for you!! you must be going out of your mind with worry and feeling sick !!! It’s possible the firm may not involve the police. Some do some don’t. I guess it depends what type of firm it is, but you sound pretty certain that your partner will lose their job. I’m new to these forums too by the way. Was your partner experiencing extra stress from elsewhere at the time? Are you seeking legal advice just in case? Are you taking other practical steps to keep yourselves grounded in this maelstrom. You may want to consider attending a local GA meeting as soon as possible. This way, at least, if the firm does decide to prosecute, then they and the courts will see your partner has taken a positive step to support his withdrawal from gambling and you are supporting him to by attending the family meeting groups. Both groups usually meet on the same night but in different rooms. I don’t know what else to say at this moment but I’m sure other people on the site may have a better response. Namaste.
Hi Logic55, I’m new to these forums and have just read your post. I recently had to end a 10 year relationship with a cg. By the end of it I’m over £100,000 lighter, in therapy, just about have roof over my head and not where I should be in my professional life!! All this due to wanting to ‘support’ my
CG….however it became toxic…very toxic. I became his enabler through coercion with abuse. Abusive is a word you used in one of your posts and you don’t like to be around him when he’s drinking because of your behaviour. You will never be strong enough to manage the gambling. It manages you and the CG. Your whole life will be even more consumed with gambling, more than it is now. You sound like a rescuer type person, without causing offence do yourself a favour and rescue yourself now. All the love care and support you are giving to gambling, give it back to yourself. Another word that came to mind is grooming/manipulation. He knows which buttons to press hence his use of the child missing you. Everything will always be your fault because you are trying to get him to stop gambling, but the addiction won’t let him. It needs to be fed…constantly. There will always be a hunch, dead cert etc to bet on. If you value your life and you want a healthy future, get out of this relationship as soon as you can. Deep down in your heart you know this is the truth, but your mind and voice are not yet fully aligned with the heart. He himself may not be a monster but the gambling most certainly is. As my therapist said to me: ‘You were never going to think your way out’! I had to take drastic intervention to change my situation. I am getting my life back together, I don’t miss the abuse, I miss parts of him but I know I saved him too by acting with tough love although he may not see it that way. It’s a joy to know that for the first time in ten years my next pay packet; not one penny of it will go towards gambling!!