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Great to read a post from you Ican, and thanks for posting to my thread.
Bingo, for me would have absolutely nothing to do with gambling, but of course I do understand and acknowledge it could be the ruination of many.
Every CG has his/her own poison.
Great that your “client” is able to partake in what is obviously an innocent, yet important social event. It keeps many elderly people alert and gives them an outing to look forward to.
I’m in a bit of a rush now . Just home from a pre Christmas event and am heading to a family dinner now.
Keep in touch.
Clickity click!!Hello Miss Juggles and well done on seeking help .
Being involved with a CG is both scary and exciting. I say exciting because gamblers can be charming, unpredictable, fun loving and can sweep their loved ones off their feet. The scary bit comes when you find yourself with the proverbial rug pulled from under your feet and you are scrambling for damage control.
In this case, Miss J, it is I who am the CG and reading your post set off a few alarm bells in my brain.
For one being “…sworn to secrecy”, would be a big concern . Why? because that was the ploy I always used when I wanted to manipulate my husband and lead him to believe we could “sort out the mess ” together. I would open up, confide in him and say “if you have any loyalty or concern for me, the least you could do is keep this between us”! This of course put him on the back foot and gave me a breather! CGs thrive on “breathers”!
This “secret agreement” leaves the door open for further promises to be made and broken. Also, as Velvet has said, the fact that you found out without him revealing his problem could mean he is being defensive now and buying time. I also find that alarming.
I have no reason to doubt that your fiance has every intention of beating this addiction, that is up to him. From your present standpoint, I would suggest that you take ten steps back and take on the role of “observer” rather than “policewoman”. A CG hates being monitored. In fact, even when I asked my husband to “police” me, it drove me further into deceitful methods to get money and my imagination ran riot with excuses and justifications to gamble. As you rightly noted, the SO can be used/blamed for causing relapses and the words a CG uses will convince you that you are the cause of all his problems. I used all those tricks to allow myself to continue gambling for years and always managed to project my problem on to others.
For this reason, you need to detach yourself emotionally for now. Listen to him by all means but quietly secure your bank account, protect your property and keep out of the firing line as much as possible. CGs thrive on chaos and have the ability to bamboozle anybody who we think will enable us to feed our habit.
This is a complex problem but it can be overcome and in time , with support, you will both grow closer and live a happy life free of gambling but for now you need to thread softly.
Remember, Miss J, that the mess your fiance has created is not your mess. His debts are not yours. You are not responsible for his gambling, nor will you be the person who stops him gambling.
My suggestion to you would be to attend a GamAnon meeting , visit the online Groups here for personal support and do not allow yourself to be drawn into any “secrets”. Shame and guilt go hand in hand with gambling, but these emotions can be used to trap our enablers into protracted and confusing “binds” which will of no help to either to the CG or to the “victim”.
Keep posting your thoughts. It will help to clear your head. Use all the support available. You will need every bit of it!
Take it one day at a time and never lose hope!For me, it’s 347 days since my last bet.
I could not do it alone but with the help I received here and at Gamblers Anonymous, I did not gamble today/this week/this month or this year.
If I can stay G free, anybody can.
It’s not easy but it IS worth it!
Just take one day at a time and say
“just for today, I will not gamble”!
I wish you all the best in your recovery.I’m so sorry to hear you gave in to the “demon” today, Maverick.
It could be any one of us here writing the same post. No CG is exempt from falling into the trap.
Hopefully, tomorrow will be different.
Draw a line under today. Cut your losses and walk away.Stopping is easy, Jon. I stopped gambling a thousand times. It’s STAYING stopped that is the difficult bit.
If you can’t get through one day at a time, try to get through one hour at a time. Putting distance between yourself and your last bet helps. Use the Groups here to pass a couple of hours. One starts now at 6pm.
Change your mantra to
” I CAN stop”……Overcoming the illusion that we can “win our money back” is the most difficult part of dealing with Compulsive Gambling, Felixx.
Compulsive gamblers NEVER win.
When you realize that , the illusion will shatter.
Well done on seeking help.When you visit a friend, I- did- it, what stands out? The hospitality or the “perfect house”?………………
Having said that, I hear you on the need to have a perfect home. I think its an “order versus chaos” issue. Gamblers are often “all or nothing” people.
Why not keep one room for the junk and the rest just “homely” ( says I, who has five “junk rooms”)!!
I would hate a stranger coming in to clean my home. I wouldn’t say no to a fairy coming with a magic wand during the night though, then disappearing . Why not get the family involved in the everyday chores to prevent things building up? You live a busy life.
I also hear you on holidays being stressful. If I’m going away , I like to come back to a clean house, so it causes a bit of panic to get everything done before we leave. “First world problems”!!! Many people would trade an untidy house for a home with joy and laughter, I did it.
Enjoy your weekend break.
Go easy on the vino and remember,
A house is not a home!WOW!, Kathryn!
What a Christmas gift! News of a new baby on the way!
You will be the youngest granny in the world.
I don’t feel as if it’s Christmas yet.
I think it doesn’t start for me until the second week in December, although I have done a bit of shopping and made 4 Christmas cakes and three puddings.
I can’t imagine Christmas on the river, camping.
In Ireland we think of heat and indoor comforts and food (although the weather has been very mild the last few days-13 degrees)
It will be wonderful to be with your family for the Christmas holiday and being off work makes such a difference. I hear you on the skimping and panic that we all experienced in the past. I always BORROWED on the double to make sure I would get the presents etc to make everything appear normal but of course I would lose at least half of what I borrowed…then real panic would set in.
Thank God those days are over, Kathryn.
A Christmas free from self destruction is the best present we can give ourselves.
Imagine your baby is going to be a mother!
The best reason you ever had to kiss gambling goodbye, forever. XYou want it all to end, Jonny??
All the misery?
I wanted all that to end too, but I didn’t want to stop gambling.I just wanted to stop losing.
The question we need to ask is “am I prepared to swap the buzz/misery for a gamble free life? ”
We can’t have our cake and eat it.
Gambling ALWAYS ends in tears.
The thing is, Jonny, as Compulsive Gamblers we can’t have it both ways.
As soon as you get it etched into your brain that CGs N E V ER win, then you will take the first step to recovery.So good to see a post from you on GT, Nancy.
I’m sure Life can be very lonely without your husband, but as you say, gambling is not the cure for loneliness. Indeed, there is nobody more lonely than a CG!
When I first came to GT in 2008, posts from you, Pam, Linnie and many others gave me hope.
“Don’t do it” is a great line for newcomers and golden oldies alike.
It’s as simple as that. Just “don’t do it”!
‘Hoping you stay in touch Nancy.
Great to know you are still around.Don’t overdo it now!
You don’t want your house looking like a casino.
It might attract the wrong type!
Just home from shopping myself. Thinking too, that not gambling brings a sense of peace instead of the panic that used to rise up in my chest at the check out in every store.
The shopping centre was very dead. I never saw so few people shopping. Wait ’til next week!Good for you I-did-It for taking on board the points that were made regarding the wine drinking.
Only you know the exact amounts you drink/drank, but I think drinking is a bit like gambling. We justify our actions surrounding the activity, saying “it’s only a bit of fun/everyone does it/it’s “my ” time/I’m entitled to relax with what makes me happy/sure there’s no harm in it/I will quit if it gets out of hand etc etc etc”.
Two things stand out on your thread, I did it ( NOT being negative. now!)
You mention hangovers quite a bit.
Also. you mention times when you “intend not drinking, but end up drinking”!
I would see these two things as warning signs.
It may be documented that alcohol is helpful in certain medical conditions but I think the ill effects are also well known. We hear the things that we want to hear.
It is also well documented that withdrawal from alcohol causes many symptoms with depression and irritability high up on the list.
As a compulsive gambler who doesn’t enjoy alcohol, I sympathize with anyone who”enjoys” both. For me, alcohol would certainly give me a great excuse to gamble. I could blame “being under the influence” as a reason for gambling “off guard”. I notice quite a few CGs on this site relate “slipping” when drunk. It stands to reason that our judgement will be impaired and our defences will be down when we are “jolly”.
( Just think of what happens at Christmas office parties…)
That’s my two pence halpenny worth.
No judgement! No negativity. Just facts.
Anything that stops “being fun” should be given closer scrutiny.
Believe me I did it, I speak these words to myself even louder that I do to you.
Why not add a splash of wine to 7up when you are in social settings. I see a few friends of mine doing that.Kin, can I let you in on a little secret?
( I wish I was 50 again!!)
One thing we cannot control is our time. It’s all in God’s Hands. I know when I was working, relatives of dying patients would ask “how long has he/she got left”. I always replied “nobody will take one breath more or one breath less than their Creator decides”.
It’s what we do with that time, Kin is all that matters.
I agree with you, that getting caught up in group members’ situations is not healthy.
We have to rise above those matters.
That’s where our Higher Power comes in.
He never changes!HAPPY 40th BIRTHDAY , MAVERICK
(I wish I was 40 again!)
Here’s to a gamble-free future.CELEBRATE EVERY DAY THIS YEAR BY NOT GAMBLING!
It’s my son’s birthday today, too.I-did-it, Red Wine can be a bit like gambling. It can lull us into a false happiness……..
Just sayin’!!!!