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I’m so happy for you, Bettie.
Nothing like a new baby to keep us grounded!
Congratulations to all and a big welcome to your darling grandson!
All the waiting is over!I use that method too, Micky.
I have a long text stored on my little phone that I read occasionally telling myself the consequences of gambling.Just a quick post, Chamomile.
I am very happy to hear that you and your husband/partner are settling into Recovery together.
There are no certainties in Life. It’s all about finding balance between Heart and Head and learning how to roll with the punches.
You ask how to cope IF a “slip” takes place.
I listen to lots of men in GA who are years in Recovery who , with the support of faithful wives, made it IMPOSSIBLE for slips to take place.
1. They handed over full management of finances and live on a very limited daily allowance.
2. Their wives attended Gamanon and kept themselves well protected and ten steps ahead.
(CGs are clever but women have a 6th sense. LOL!)
3. They have open communication , daily.If I were in your situation I would set boundaries but never issue ultimatums. That can be a serious threat for a CG and lead to “If I tell the truth, I’m a gonner, this time”. State your plan once and only once and act on it if needs be. You will know what to do if it ever arises.
In the meantime….
Just take Life one day at a time.
Enjoy each moment separately and together.
Your Loved One is MUCH more than a CG but remember the Cg will always be in him.
“The monkey doesn’t jump off your back as soon as the circus leaves town”!
AWARENESS is the key!I hope I’m not monopolizing your thread, Chamomile?!
I tend to do that with people. Take an interest and cling on. Maybe it’s part of the obsessive/compulsive behaviour of a gambler.
That aside, I can tell you straight out that no contract, no vow, no bond will stop a CG from gambling if he/she wants to gamble. That’s the scary bit . We put our heart and soul into gambling at the expense of everybody who should mean so much more to us. It is impossible to explain . One we start , gambling controls a CG completely. My analogy for it is driving a car with no brakes. Although you see kids on the kerb, old people crossing , other traffic swerving , you just keep speeding out of control. Its the most scary thing in the world.
You are doing well Chamomile. I’m thinking if I had had someone beside me like you, it would have helped me tremendously to stop gambling. It would also have helped me TO gamble because a CG specialises in manipulating people who are prepared to “lay down their lives” for us. I am assuming , hoping and giving your CG the benefit of the doubt here, but to you I say BE CAREFUL. YOU seem to be doing all the recovery work for him. Why didn’t he go to GA before now? It’s free! He can look at the GA website . One of the things you could do together is read the GA 20 Questions .There are meetings everywhere. Also there is GAMANON for CGs SOs. Perhaps you could attend a few meetings for your personal growth. I’d like to ask how long you know this guy? Is he the dad of your 3 year old? Does he work? How has he funded his gambling habit up to now and the smokies? You needn’t answer those Questions here but make a note of these points if you’re interested to discuss them in your private counselling sessions. By the way, if you’re in the UK you will be entitled to free counselling.
The reason I’m involving myself in your thread, Chamomile is that I sense your sincerity in helping your guy and I also sense your vulnerability, should he ever want to gamble again. Tough Love is what a CG needs. You need to cover all the pros and cons for YOU and for your child in this relationship. Keep your barriers high. Protect yourself emotionally and financially. A CG needs an enabler . We surround ourselves with enablers. Even when we are not active the antenna will suss out potential enablers for the future. I did this consciously and unconsciously . I would like to hear you listing more of the things HE is doing because from what I’m reading it seems that you are carrying the can.
If my husband had stopped enabling me I would have stopped gambling far sooner than I did but he didn’t know how. That’s your task Chamomile. Find ways not to enable your CG (and I don’t just mean giving him money) and let HIM find ways to stop gambling for HIMSELF not for you!
You’re doing well. Keep posting!Will Jen and baby be living with you, Bettie? Big lifestyle change!
I hope your health improves and that you get back to work soon.It’s good to mark your dad’s anniversary , Micky. RIP. Said a little prayer for you and him. Life is short! Eternity lasts forever.
To answer your question, Chamomile, I would say, CGs have to lie. Our whole Gambling “Career” is based on Illusion so every aspect of gambling becomes a lie to the point where we end up believing our own lies! Yet, I can’t say “every gambler is a liar”, no more than “Every liar is a gambler” . Or the same goes for theft. I know many, many gamblers who have no debt because they funded their addiction through theft. In my book that is both lies and theft but it all hinges on how one defines Truth , which I would say ” everything that opposes Truth is a lie”. Its a complex issue, however . Knowing why people feel they have to lie would need to be teased out at a professional/spiritual level. Many CGs (and non CGs of course) have been so hurt/damaged from an early age that they need to confabulate which involves creating a fantasy life. They do not intentionally set out to hurt others by lying but lying at any level ALWAYS hurts. To say “I lied to protect my relationship” is still a lie , because, not only are you causing damage to your own self-worth, you are also gravely undermining the other person to the point of offending their trust and integrity. When my children were young, I came down heavily on them when they lied because one lie leads to another and like any bad habit , it needs nipping in the bud. Your “love” has grown beyond the budding stage but somewhere along the line, gambling was added to his habitual lying, hence the continued confusion which has led to a point where YOU are questioning your own integrity. All because of his inability to be honest.
At this stage, I would suggest Joint Counselling. This way, at least you will see the reason for your husband’s lies and you can confront him in the presence of a third party, which will prevent arguments about who said what. And more importantly you can help him to see the damage lies do to a relationship.
Personally, I find it hard to cope with liars, chiefly because they tend to use the worn out clichés like, “Now you’re judging” or “How about YOU? Are you perfect? “, when they are faced with Truth.
If a person dishes out distorted /flawed/ contorted/ economical versions of the Truth, I find myself doubting EVERYTHING they say! I ask myself “is this person genuine at any level? ” That is not a judgement . The least we can expect in any relationship is clarity of perception and accuracy of response. Gamblers are BAD at both. We deflect/manipulate/distort and yes- LIE! My main lies were told to cover my tracks because if I told the truth , my gambling days would have been numbered and that is every CGs greatest dread!
So . back to your comment about inability to trust your guy. Only you can answer if it is worth sticking together to tease all his (and your !!!) flaws out in safe setting . Trust CAN be re built. I hear lots of older men in GA describing how their whole lives were a lie–until they grew up! CGs are emotionally immature people. I don’t think I have met one who would deny this!
Keep using the Forum for help for YOU.
(By the way , have you told your CG you come here or is that a “secret”??)Now that you KNOW you can stop gambling, 3 racer, you are getting a taste of Recovery.
Nice of your friend to show you some support.
31 days is awesome!Well done, Jon!
When you are in physical pain/discomfort, it is easy to throw in the towel and escape in a way a CG knows best
BUT
It is NOT easy to face the consequences of the self destruction which gambling brings with it, so just stick to the plan, Jon-one day at a time-take the rough with the smooth and learn to roll with Life’s punches!Great to hear you are doing well, Micky. Thanks for posting to my thread. Belated Happy New Year. I meant to get in touch sooner. Time flies!
Hi Chamomile. I hope you don’t mind me visiting your thread. You see I’m from the “Other Side” of GT. I am a compulsive gambler.
I can’t tell you if you left too early or what you should do, but when I read what you wrote about your “CG” it seems to me that he is making a huge effort. Gambling aside, lies and deceit are the ruination of many relationships and I can totally relate to not being able to stay with a person you don’t trust. How did you find out he gambled after the counselling session if he didn’t come clean and tell you himself?
I am not for one minute defending his gambling or his lies but I can tell you that fear and shame often forced me to lie. I also lied to protect my loved ones. I lied to get money . I lied about my whereabouts but for me these were white lies . I HAD to cover my tracks and being upfront and truthful comes between the CG and the” buzz”. I can honestly tell you that a CG tortures him/herself over those lies more than we do over the gambling. Lies and deceit are necessary tools when we are in action. In recovery these tools are replaced by Honesty and Openness. We can’t face our own actions so admitting them to our nearest and nearest is a double blow. We KNOW the hurt we cause but we just cannot handle it. Perhaps you are expecting a bit too much too soon. I went to counselling and gambled on the way home. I also went to work/church/shopping/visiting/funerals AND GAMBLED ON THE WAY home…I even went gambling and gambled on the way home. That’s what a CG does until he is ready to stop.
This is a very very difficult habit to break away from. We think we are controlling our lives but the truth is that gambling is controlling our every thought, action, reaction, emotion in a way that no CG can understand. Our mind becomes a slave to gambling.
During counselling sessions, emotions are churned up and many CGs do not deal well with emotional issues . We run for cover.
The thing is, Chamomile, your husband’s gambling is HIS problem, not yours. Yes, you suffer from the fallout, you want to “fix” /shield /protect him but it doesn’t work like that. During the active phase a CG wants to be alone. In our own comfort zone.We hate interference . He/she hates help or advice . All we want is a free run and anyone who stands in the way of our gamble is the enemy. This, of course is flawed thinking. The illusion gambling creates sucks us in to a vortex where we spin around in a semi stupor and every one else is observing from the outside, just as baffled and dismayed as we are. No matter how much we want to reach our loved ones, we can’t it is impossible because we are in a vacuum, totally controlled , by this gambling magnet which traps us and convinces us that we cannot live without it. I have no words to describe this “alien force”. The reason I am writing here is to try to give you some little insight into what your husband might be going through . It might help you to realize why you cannot reach him when he is in this “bubble”.
The ONLY thing you can do is protect yourself, your child, your home and you finances. And your sanity! Get help FOR YOU!
Throwing a relationship away is not always the answer.
I’ m hearing you say your loved one is TRYING. He admits he has a problem . That is a HUGE step for a CG. A massive step. The First step is the most difficult to take. It means a CG is saying. “I am powerless over gambling”! When we admit that, a type of surrender sets in. This is the time a CG is ready to accept help. This is how GA seems to works. Guys walk in through those doors at their lowest ebb. They look into the eyes of a fellow CG and see themselves. They hear grown men tell tales they can relate to. They hear the hurt. They feel the pain. Every CG has his own story to tell but when your CG opens up and tells his, he will know in his heart that his fellow CGs “get it”. He decides to ask his wife to take over the finances , another BIG step. Think of the blow to the CG ego when he has to admit “I can’t handle money” but we do it. We will do anything when we WANT to stop. We will do some things (but not all) when somebody else wants us to stop. We might go an extra mile when we NEED to stop, i.e. job threatened/court case looming/missus saying she will leave, but it is only when we become so sick of our sickness, so tortured by the lies and hurt , stand so deep in a hole that we know its time to stop digging, that a CG will reach out his hand to a fellow traveller and say “Help me. I’m laying down my arms. I surrender”. That is the Turning Point.
IF you think your CG is at that stage (and only you can see the full picture) maybe it is time for you to kiss and make up. Learn to read the cues. Forget the lies. Forget the broken promises .Forget the betrayal of trust. Or at least put them on hold. If you both want it badly enough, all these things can be re built to restore what seems to be a good stable relationship (minus the gambling)!
I have two rules in my “Book”.
“You don’t kick someone when they are down”
and
“You don’t throw love away”
That’s my take. Only my experience I would never impose my recovery on another member. Every one is different. You know more than I do. There is help available. For him and for YOU! If your guy in genuinely willing to take the first step , having a supportive wife at his side will make for a wonderful “happy ever after” Recovery.
I wish you all the best for your future with or without your “love”.
Gambling is a progressive disease . It never goes away. It can be fatal.There is no cure but the evidence is there to prove that GA/Gamanon and GT and many other Support Services can lead members who want to leave all the misery behind, to a life “beyond our wildest dreams”.
I was in that place where your CG is now.
Today I am in a different headspace, with a different outlook.
Gambling no longer controls my life. I have taken back control. But if I place one bet it will , without the slightest doubt , all end in bitter tears.
Today I am 400 days G free, one day at a time.
If I can do it, it proves any CG can.
Never give up hope!
Look after YOU and in time your CG might be writing on this Forum giving an account of his recovery, one day at a time.
Keep posting!
God bless!How was your weekend, 3raser?
Sounds like an interesting film.I’m so delighted to hear that things are on the up and up , Maverick. Having a payment plan gives us a certain security and also keeps us accountable. I would recommend organising a Savings Plan to run concurrently with debt repayments. Even a very small sum put aside every week, to allow us to see our efforts being rewarded and make us determined not to let our hard earned cash pass into the wrong hands.
It doesn’t take long for us to get into the swing of things once we start Maverick. That goes for good or for evil. Today, I was parting company with my son, having voiced my opinion (AGAIN) about some areas in his life that he needs to look at and in a moment of frustration, I could have easily swung into the car park beside where I dropped him off. Everything seemed to go into a blur for just one moment and a flash of slot machine-escape seemed attractive . A kind driver fortunately beckoned me out on to the main road and I took off with the green arrow which put a fair distance between me and the casino. Things can change in a flash as you well know.
Sorry to hear your close friend has Stage 4 CA. God help him and his family.
We should be counting our blessings as well as our cash, Maverick. No pockets in a shroud!Well done on your first post. I can relate to everything you have written. Your account sums up the reality of gambling and the true nature of the compulsive gambler.
In the beginning it feels like fun. Then the fun turns to a buzz and the buzz becomes a compulsion. I agree that this compulsion is based on avarice . The more we win, the more we expect to win. When we lose, we become desperate to win it all back. The cycle is endless until we stop.
A Compulsive Gambler thinks he/she LOVES to gamble but the reality is he HAS to gamble. It comes to a stage where we cannot function without placing a bet. That is why gambling is described as a progressive disease. It is only when I realized that I would NEVER win , that I called a halt to the madness.
Best wishes with your plans. After I lost a large sum of money, I was advised by a member on GT to put a Plan in place. I have been working on saving a set amount each month to restore that loss. In conjunction with my savings plan, I repay my debt. Recovery is all about balance. Trying to wipe out debt and restore losses at a fast pace will set a CG back to square one.
Stay focused.
Keep posting.
Welcome to GT.