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Congratulations on becoming a grandmother, Ican.
Moving on to a new phase in life helps us to place wider issues in perspective. Not gambling will give you more time to enjoy the baby girl . When we gamble, we miss out on a lot of life.
Take care.Keep it simple, Bosslady.
Put your trust in the Almighty. Everything is in His Hands.
Don’t run ahead. Read Matthew chapter 8 in your bible.
You are not alone.Gambling and alcohol don’t mix well. Kin. I remember being in a casino, often, where a group of eastern Europeans (not that nationality matters when it comes to gambling)would have a “beer night” . The beer was supplied by the owner. The more they drank, the more reckless they became. I was usually too absorbed in my own “buzz” to pay attention to others, but these guys (one in particular) would swear and mutter as he tried to push the notes into the slot in the machine that he could barely see. Judgement becomes seriously impaired with high alcohol levels. Thinking back on that makes me never want to gamble again. I would probably do likewise if I was “tanked” up with alcohol.
Thankfully gambling is my only poison, but it doesn’t affect me today, Kin. It’s only when we place that first bet that we become powerless. Remember? TODAY we are in control. TODAY gambling has no power over us.
Happy Easter!Well done I -did-it!
Because I can barely master “idiot proof ” phones and never got into Smartphones or iPhones, I really can’t comment on the technological side but I do know that when we “block” one way to gamble, another method will raise it’s ugly head . So my word of caution would be to set up a mental block. If a CG wants to gamble we will always find a way.
Why not stick to one thread here and use the groups more?Laura, don’t torture yourself. The people who spread gossip about the weaknesses of others, are often deflecting from their own faults. None of our friends or family members are perfect. Having said that, their reaction probably served a purpose at the time. It kept you on the straight and narrow. You are in a different place now than you were then. You have decided to act, not re act. Just keep things simple Laura. If I had panicked when I lost my lump sum online in March 2015 I would be in deep s%*” now. I listened to advice I got from a fellow GT traveler and sat tight. I told none of my family I had lost that money. My husband had taken enough This would have ruined him. I lay low. Licked my own wounds and prayed to God above to “grant me the serenity etc”. 22 months later, I’m feeling far more secure. I see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Gambling is NOT about money. Recovery is not either but for me it is about restitution. From a very early age, we were taught that we must pay back what we owe. Like you mentioned, the money we wasted gambling was not rightfully ours. In my book it’s sinful to dip into funds that don’t belong to me. Tantamount to theft. I stole from myself, from my family and not only by using money but by wasting precious time. I have to account for both now . That’s what my Plan is all about.
It also serves to bring balance into my life. Gambling is a symptom of imbalance in our lives. I pay my gambling debts slowly but surely (Three more years to go-and I’m no Spring chicken!) To watch my savings grow and my debt come down brings a certain equilibrium to my life. Look on recovery as Life’s Scales, Laura. Everything will balance at the end of the day.
Take on a new mindset. A fresh approach . I know you have some health issues. So have I. Stress plays havoc with physical health. Gambling creates stress. Gambling takes our peace. Gambling gives us nothing. It takes and takes. Why give it anymore?
Tell yourself today, Laura that you are going to restore what you have lost. It is never too late to start anew. You have every reason to feel a bit despondent but that feeling will prevent you from moving forward. Regardless of how you feel , begin to act on that plan. Seeing it develop will be a symbol of a new start. A new Laura!
Just for today, I will not gamble!As a matter of interest, GV, has your GF got debt?
Taking her away from her gambling routine will certainly serve to break her habit. I believe it is necessary to break the habit as well as overcoming the compulsion.
Yes, it is amazing how “kids” thrive through adversity. I’m glad they love their mother still . I’m sure their dad had an input in their success too.
If I can stop gambling there is no reason to believe your GF can’t do likewise.
Please do all you can to avoid enabling her.
The best way to do that is to safeguard your own possessions and not become addicted to her charms.We need to stop gambling for one day only , Kin.
Yesterday is gone.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Today is all we need worry about.
Just for TODAY I will not gamble.
(Alcohol and gambling do not mix well)I hear you on the concealment of “self exclusion” forms, Maverick. The Fatcats don’t want to lose customers. Where I live they allow you to “ban yourself” but supply no documentation. Only laughed when I requested it. Yet, one night when a client got stroppy due to his huge loss, the police were quickly called and he was banned. One way to be sure of getting a written declaration that you are “persona non grata”.
Anyway, as you know there will always be an excuse/reason for a CG to gamble and to extend our territory unless we do a strict MENTAL ban..
“Just because the circus has left town it doesn’t mean the monkey has jumped off your shoulder”, so we need to take on a different mindset
“Not MY circus; not MY monkey” and get on with recovery.
Glad to hear you are taking action, Mav.
BRILLIANT!!!
Always in my thoughts and prayers!Compulsive gambling is a cross cultural issue. Lots of people of all nationalities gamble, but if they are compulsive gamblers, regardless of nationality, I can bet a pound to a pinch of sugar that their wealthy homes and businesses won’t last too long because in the end, gambling takes EVERYTHING!
CGs love to give the “Big Shot” impression so maybe your GF falls for their fake wealth. When I was losing my month’s salary and up to my neck in debt, I borrowed money from high interest lenders to pay debts, buy lavish Christmas/ Birthday presents, to put people off the G scent and give the impression that I was loaded. I loved flashing money around and the reality was, it was all borrowed. We tend to fool ourselves and others to make things appear normal. Pride prevents us from admitting we are broke. Underneath that facade there lies a lot of loneliness, pain and turmoil. CGs would win an Oscar for our prize performances.
CGs also live in a Fool’s Paradise , Gvralls. Don’t allow yourself to be sucked in.
As for putting ourselves first, I know lots of very selfish people who never gambled in their lives but they are “me, myself, I”people through and through . I have met many, many CGs, well established in recovery who are extremely unselfish and who now spend their lives making amends to the families and friends who were hurt by their gambling and helping other CGs.
We need to make a clear distinction here between a CG in action and a CG in Recovery.
If I were in your shoes, I would set up barriers as we discussed. Spell out the terms and conditions to your GF. Don’t expect her change over night. If you enjoy her company doing healthy/fun things together, that’s fine but you need to set clear limits e.g. going to a casino with her is like spooning sugar into a diabetic’s mouth. It’s a no go area for you. Giving her money is out. Colluding with her illusions won’t help either of you. Allowing her to talk too much about gambling is out too. She has other outlets for that. Why can’t she start a Thread here on GT?
Look after your own assets. Keep your own friends and family close. Enjoy the friendship. Keep it simple and keep the communication open. Try not to see her as the “one and only” in your life. Sorry to say it, but she comes well flagged!
PS. I know quite a few Asian people. Some wouldn’t dream of gambling. Ever. A few are, like me, full blown CGs. In my experience they do tend to put themselves first. I put that down to the fact that they often have 3 generations relying on them financially ” back home”. Money is their ticket to “happiness”.
Gambling in the work place is not uncommon. Staff in most places club in to do the Lotto. I used to say “I don’t do Lotto because it’s waste of time and money” It is an easy cop out though if a CG wants to gamble; they can twist that around and pass it off as an innocent bit of fun that “everyone enjoys”.
The bottom line , Gvralls, is that YOU need to decide what you want from this relationship and only you can set the boundaries to prevent it ending in tears.
Keep posting!Four excellent steps on Day 4!
It took me years and a ton of money to get to that stage
I will read your whole thread tomorrow
Well after midnight here
Just want to say
WELL DONE!Contact the Helpline FF.
Harry is the “techy” guy.
I often get that notice too…I just wait 45 seconds and it works then. It usually happens when you edit your post which I do, compulsively. I can’t cope with reading back on typos!
WELL DONE ON YOUR G FREE TIME!There is “give and take” in every relationship, Gvralls. However, CGs tend to take more than we give (in monetary terms). We will give all that is required on other levels to keep our habit fed.(That attitude also pertains to many, besides CGs, of course but I will limit my comments to CGs, for now)
If I have read you posts correctly, you give. She takes!
That can lead to all sorts of problems further along in the relationship as I’m sure you well know.
One thing crossed my mind when you said your GF never visits casinos when you are travelling. That is not at all unusual for a CG. Personally, I only gambled in “comfort zones” and at times when I knew I would have unlimited time without being asked “can we leave now”.
The question I would ask “Is she gambling on line during those trips?” Very possible these days with modern technology. “Dry” gambling is another way a CG gets a “fix”.
Also, if she admits to having a gambling problem, has she ever considered looking for help? If not, why not?
If I hadn’t had enablers in my life, I would have stopped gambling years ago. People who thought they were helping me were in fact preventing me from seeking the help I badly needed.
Every gambler needs an enabler. Not just to finance our problem, but also to condone our actions . When you have somebody sitting beside you in a casino, it makes it look like fun, but the reality is, a CG will most likely resent the intrusion. It just serves as a cover. Most CGs want to gamble alone.
One thing for sure, is when a CG crosses the line into compulsive gambling, there is no going back . We can never play “normally” again. Lots of CGs make the mistake that we can control our gambling. I did that for years.It is impossible.
Another proven fact is that a CG never wins.
That is the nature of Compulsive Gambling.
It took me a few spins on a machine to make me realize I could get a few easy “wins”. I even knew I would most likely lose that money back, but it was only when I sat at a GA meeting , listening to hundreds of stories of lost lives and looked into the eyes of other gamblers, only to see my own reflection, that the proverbial penny dropped and the awareness hit me hard.
Only then, did I realize that there is no point in sitting like a zombie, ever again, for up to 15 hours every day that I could arrange to have cash to fund my habit, like a dog chasing his tail …..WHY??
because CGSs NEVER WIN!
Is your GF in denial about the seriousness of her problem? She seems to have some control over her life still, as I did for years. I managed to work 12 hour shifts, giving it my all. Often worked 7 nights in a row and never thought of gambling but a CG gets super human energy knowing there is an incentive at the end of a long working stint. We become compulsive about other things besides gambling. At the back of my mind I knew that after a long stint of duty, my “lover” would be waiting for me with open arms. Ha! “He” was always ready to chew me up and spit me out-the story never changed.
Compulsive gambling is a complex problem and very few CGs get to the bottom of it. I wasted years trying to find out WHY I gambled and the only answer I came up with was “Why not?”
The facts that have been established in your case , Gvralls, is that you have been swept off your feet by this wonderful woman who has the ability to make life exciting in many ways (I hear you on the joy of having a travelling companion; it makes all the difference. Bring me. if this falls through LOL!!!)
She also has the potential to ruin you. Never lose sight of that.
This F and F Forum is for “victims” of gambling. Focusing on YOU is the main purpose of this thread. The only reason I’m writing here is to give some feedback and pointers . When I read your original post I felt as if I was looking at a person recklessly crossing a busy street, about to be hit by a speeding vehicle and my gut reaction was to grab him.
You will get lots of support from F and F posters GV but from the CG aspect “it takes one to know one”!
On a positive note , perhaps, in meeting you, your GF has found an opportunity to turn her life around.
If you refuse to go to the casino with her, be honest and tell her about this site. Invite her to join the “other side”on GT. Go to GA or attend counselling. Read the GA Twenty Questions with her to let her know you are there to be of assistance to her recovery. That’s the best thing you can do for her. (Forget the sweet talk. CGs excel in that area!) What she needs now is tough love!
Refuse to give her money. Ask her to share the expenses for outings and trips. In other words , refuse to enable her.
With your support she may decide to take her gambling seriously and start a new life.
You, cannot take one step for her. She needs to do that for herself.
Your recovery revolves around the decisions you make , not what she does,
Remember one thing though. When we take the “drug”, we always suffer the “hangover”!…Is what I would be saying , except this site doesn’t tell people what decisions to make. We do that ourselves…
From your description of the lovely Nguyen, she is a raving CG (Compulsive gambler!) Just like me. Unfortunately I don’t have her physical attributes but I sure could match her manipulative skills any day and I would have a great eye for the guys who could enable me when I wanted to gamble.
We are all grown adults here and as you know we are told “love is blind” . I disagree with that statement. I actually think “love is clear sighted” . Addiction is what blinds us. I do know that. Look at yourself man. You might be as addicted to Nguyen as she is to the card tables.
That’s my tuppence worth. No judgement intended.
It is NO surprise at all that your lovely lady will breeze through casino doors regardless of previous experiences. That’s what CGs do. The human mind has a mechanism that wipes bad memories swiftly away, to allow for the next fix.
It’s up to you whether you want to be cleaned out or not . CGs are experts in that field and when we finish with one enabler, we move on to the next.
My advice (even though you only asked for feedback) would be to keep your cash ‘n cards under lock ‘n key.
Just sayin’!
Look after YOU.
Keep posting!Hi Chez and welcome to GT.
Knowing you are not alone and that help IS available will not solve your immediate problem, but it will give you some consolation for a start. Many here have been in similar situations to your own and with support and advice people do come out at the other end, relieved but never cured, improved but never unscathed.
Gambling is a ruthless, progressive disease that creeps up on us so fast that we feel we are waking up from the most horrible nightmare, which is sadly reality for a CG (Compulsive Gambler). Gambling will take everything.
I came to GT in 2008. If I had been wise/humble/sensible enough to follow the advice I was given then, I would be debt free now. Sadly, I tried to pick and choose and dip in and out of gambling . It took me until the end of 2015 to “wise up”. In the meantime I had lost a six figure sum which I will be repaying for many years to come. I lost my pride, my confidence, my self worth, my value on friendship, family relations, my sleep and eventually my health gave way. Long story short, I had to retire on Disability Pension but by God’s Grace (and a lot of negotiating on my part) I was granted a fairly substantial Retirement sum and what do you know, I gambled it….
Gambling is the one addiction that destroys normal people and brings us to a place which must be next door to Hell.
The good news is there is HOPE. There is HELP. There is a better life ahead. There are no magic wands. My advice to you tonight is to forget everything. Don’t look back. Don’t even look forward. If you have faith in God, look up. In GA there is a lot of talk about a Higher Power. CGs have different outlooks, different beliefs, different experiences but I have heard tough guys in GA saying they don’t know how the programme works but they know it does.
The motto here Chez is to use the support you get . Don’t reject this chance. Post often. Read other threads. Reach out for all the help that is available and
Just for TODAY do not gamble.
I wish you all the best in your new life.
Well done on taking the first step.
Never lose hope.
You are not alone.Lee, I’m so sorry to hear this “demon” still has a grip on you….I don’t believe you hate Life. We all hate what gambling does to our lives, but it will improve if you release yourself from the hold gambling has on you. Yo know what needs to be done. I hope and pray you will find the courage to DO it. ODAAT. I’m going to Barcelona in the early hours so will try to get to bed early tonight. Up at 2 am! Big change for me!