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I did a Study on Dreamwork many years ago, Monica. I think dreaming of dead bodies signifies a break in relationships or regret.
Your sister is playing on your generosity.. Just like my “friend” who borrows.
My guess is you are not her only benefactor. Can you get yourself nominated as the person with Power of Attorney for your mum? By doing that, she will be assured of her wishes being carried out when the time comes and beforehand. Hopefully, she will enjoy many good years of independence first.
It is no coincidence that I gambled on the day I was to meet my “friend”. She always whinges and begs for money. It stresses me . I feel guilty when I refuse. To be honest, I had no great desire to meet her. It was her request to meet me. The night before I had stipulated that I would not collect her at her house, as I always do, that she should take a ten minute drive to meet at a neutral venue. Ten mins for her, 50 mins for me. Just as I was leaving home-driving out the gate, her text came “It’s too cold for me to go out today”. In other words “come and collect me”…the rest is history.
Some relationships are NOT healthy so why do we maintain ?
What’s in it for me, I ask? I have answered partially.

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Absolutely no trigger, Monica except that I had money. Was on my way to meet a friend (Coincidentally the aforementioned “Borrower”). She sent a text to say she was too cold to go out. I decided to spend my time elsewhere. Walked in with both eyes wide open. I won’t mention the walk out. We all know what that’s like.

What’s done is done! Having a financial “cushion” made it bearable but cushions deflate if you keep pouncing on them!

‘Nuff said! Whether you want to go there or not, Monica, I would say DON’T!!

Listening to “Another Suitcase in another Hall” (Evita) on you tube. Brings bittersweet memories. Barbara Dickson or Samantha Barks do the best versions, by far but Madonna is good too.

“Time and time again I say that I don’t care, that I’m immune to gloom, that I’m hard through and through”…………….

Thanks Monica

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…only one type of “Blunder” for a CG, Monica!
Gotta learn to roll with the punches, I guess.
When we take the “drug” , we suffer the hangover.
Always!

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Thanks, Nick.
I made another blunder which could have been easily avoided.
No use crying over spilt milk.I’m going to block it out .
Wrapping Christmas presents…15 done so far…Keeping busy from now until 25th.

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Thanks for looking in on me , Jen. Busy with Christmas shopping etc…just back before the gridlock traffic builds up …going out for a meal at 6pm…I just feel like dropping into bed
Shower and change , then dash..

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…just crossed my mind that it’s interesting that after a display of anger your son went out and bought a bed to replace the bed Pete had bought you, or am I reading too much into that?
My son’s anger towards me always comes back to a man who stayed in our house when my son was very young.
Perhaps I’m being too Freudian.

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It is all about mindset, IDI.
I can convince myself that I won’t survive the day without gambling, when I am in the gambling mode. I lived to gamble and believed I gambled to live despite the fact that I was dying inside. Delusional thinking!
On the other hand, I can tell myself and believe that I DO NOT want to gamble when the mindset changes. Reality versus delusion!
Larry, (who used to post here) always said the only/best barrier is a mental barrier.
When I am gambling, my mind is full of “gambling junk”. The air I breathe stinks of casino fumes. It destroys my judgement my will and my reason.
When I am free of gambling, my thoughts / words/ actions are like those of a different person.
I operate on a totally different plain.
I breathe on “room air” to use an old occupational term.
Gambling contaminates everything we touch.
Today I will not gamble.
De cluttering is symbolic of change in my experience.
Out with the old. In with the new.

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Family members drain us even more than “outsiders” sometimes, Monica. Emotionally, financially and physically.
I have come to the point in my life when I am trying to stand back. (I had my share of angry men-my own son being the worst -I am very ashamed to say I often reacted angrily to him or indeed often instigated the aggression.)
As a child, I hid and as an adult I also hid from my son’s anger (in the casino)
This Christmas I will protect myself from chaos. I am making all the usual preparations. If my family come home I will be glad. If they decide to spend Christmas elsewhere I will be equally glad.
I have been reflecting a lot on previous Christmases .
The onus was always on me to “get it all together”. Yes, everyone helped but only under instruction from me. The onus was always on me to deliver /collect everyone which becomes exhausting and when things went tits up, I was told “you are a controller”.
I guess I am a controller but from now on I will concentrate on controlling myself and let everyone else do their own thing!
Can you suggest to your sister to get help with her alcohol problem?

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I didn’t gamble, IDI because I used God’s help/self discipline/accountability and a few other projects to keep me on the straight and narrow. Simple things that never fail if I convince ourselves that I DO NOT WANT to gamble (the flawed part of my addicted mind will always tell me that I do)

First, I asked hubby to come with me. He hummed and hawed ( a great excuse to run off alone and unconsciously tell myself it’s his fault). I went alone.

Second, I told him exactly where I was going. (The shopping centre closes at 7pm so if I was home later than 8pm it would be a dead give away) When I intend to gamble, I am deliberately vague about my plans.Of course in the past I said I “met a friend, got stuck in traffic, went for a walk”…..all the usual BS)

Thirdly, I have a friend coming to stay overnight on Tuesday and I wanted to get back to put the Christmas bedding on the beds, make bread and prepare other food. ( I kept reminding myself that IF I gambled I would not meet any of these projects and worst of all I would be skint and like a zombie. I don’t want to be absent for this visit (i.e in a gambling fugue).

Above all I kept reminding myself of the words I said at Confession last Sunday…”I firmly resolve….to amend my life” Who can say those words to God and mean the total opposite ? Bad enough being a Compulsive Gambler without being a total hypocrite.

So, here I am into the 2nd week of December, G free. I got lots of presents ( keeping it small this year)

Three bag fulls are now sitting in my over cluttered bedroom but it sure beats looking in an empty purse and asking

“Why did I do it AGAIN?”!! Barriers are in the mind.

Of course I thought of “doubling my money”

I took the right lane at the two roundabout exits that would have led me to disaster and put the boot down and turned up the radio until I was well clear of the chance to turn off.

Texted “himself” when I left the shopping centre to say “On my way home”

Urges/triggers can be excuses. Deciding BEFORE I gamble that I cannot gamble keeps me safe. If one iota of the temptation takes hold, it always ends in grief.

I would love to see that Louis T programme…must check it out.

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Thank God I didn’t gamble today…

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…and you could LOSE your house with a bad loss, IDI!
I sold a few items…got 60 quid…on my way to have a look around the shops now IF I can get parking….praying I won’t take the wrong exit….

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Sorry to hear your relationship broke down, Nick. Keeping busy and staying focused is important at times like this.
One wrong move and we are doomed!
Was it due to gambling?
If so, you may still have time in recovery to sort things out.

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Just to let you know I’m thinking of you, Monica and hoping you had a stress free week at work .
The weekends come around quickly.

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Don’t mention the word “hangover”. I have been up all night. That in itself brings a hangover. ( also exacerbates underlying health issues which I neglected when I gambled)
You are taking the “One pay day at a time” approach,IDI.
Add “one urge at a time” and you will see how well you are doing by discarding the gambling thoughts .
It scares me to have long targets.
When I worked night duty, I never thought of gambling on my 7 nights on until the final night . Then, on my week off all hell would break lose. But not everyone thinks like that. I feel if I hold my breath for too long, I will explode.
What has helped me to remain gamble free this month so far, was getting involved in house decorating and planning visits from family. When I am in the throes of decorating/home-making/work, gambling never enters my mind.
When I’m in the throes of gambling REAL LIFE never enters my mind.
Gambling consumes me totally. I become a slave.
Want to be a slave???
I WANT TO BE FREE! I’m sure we all do!

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My car/house insurance is paid. A huge relief.
I had to ask himself to go alone. I had an all nighter with my visitor and unable to move today! She is gone now.
I did mention several times to my husband that I’m very relieved that the money was safe.
His response- “You don’t go to many GA Meetings anymore”!!

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