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Sorry to hear you are going though such stress and turmoil Hope!
From the minute I read your first post I felt as a CG, you were being duped! Your CG had NO input into his recovery . He went along with things because he was “cornered”! I don’t say this in judgement. Hope but I do have some insight into the working of a CGs mind. Our thinking becomes seriously flawed. We apply irrational thoughts to rational situations. When we become desperate to gamble we will do ANYTHING to get that release. The more we are thwarted in our effort the more likely we are to explode. It is very difficult to describe. I remember driving through a serious floods to “my” casino one November night about 7 years ago! The water was coming into the car! I was petrified! Every “river” I drove through seemed deeper but I got there . It took me 4 hours to travel a 50min journey. When I arrived the guy who worked there said “How did YOU get her?” There were only 2 other locals at the machines! I lost a fortune that night. They closed early and I had to drive the return journey. I definitely put my life at risk that night. I’m telling you this to highlight the desperation of a CG and this is mild compared to other “dramas” !
You are getting great support from F and F members. Read it and take it on board.
I would suggest that you DON’T ” put your CG out!” As Jenny says that will give him a great reason to gamble. Do not listen to his threats, manipulation or indeed promises.
WORDS MEAN NOTHING at this stage . nly actions.
Of course he gambled on the day of his “intervention” . That’s how we CGs cope with stress. We gamble! Of course he took cash from the bank. CGs HAVE to have ammunition ready “in case things go belly up”. Of course he is crying/begging and pleading YOU are his only hope now….not hope fpr a happy life, I’m sorry to say, but hope of him securing his next gamble!
the last straw is using the children as a pawn……YOU will have to draw the line there.
My suggestion is to sit tight . Let him do as he pleases. Issue no treats or promises. Just act as if all is normal and do not leave under any circumstances.Welcome to GT Skevoula!
It was good to see you in the chat yesterday . Well done on opening your own thread.
Gambling is a progressive disease which steals , not only our money but also our precious time.
Do not allow it to take another moment from you . You deserve to have a better life , especially with a young baby on your lap!
My advice to you is to hand over the management of your money to your husband immediately before another disaster strikes!
CGs CANNOT handle money in the early stages of recovery.
‘SEE YOU IN THE CHAT GROUPS LATER!Keep “getting it out” Hope!
Online group running presently …try to join in Look under Support Groups and press the green “join” sign.Hi again, Hope!
Your CG is desperate for a gamble. You are seeing him in flow blown addiction mode now!
When the enabling stops, the trouble starts!
Don’t engage with him verbally! (not easy, I know!)
Don’t try to control him in any way/
Don’t help him to get his phone back.
Don’t listen to him or believe one word he says!
Words mean nothing to him right now.
CGs do a lot of “out of character” things! Just let him SUFFER the consequences of his actions.
Nothing you do or say will make any difference at this stage.
When he suffers enough , he will change!No gambling today
I agree Liam!
The slot machines give relief but eventually they will ruin a CG. Its the weakness in us that makes us stay until we have lost our last cent. I often “fell” out of casinos feeling like a drunk after spending ten-twenty hours there in a trot. I would be literally in a state of collapse Could hardly find my way home with a cup of petrol in the car , freewheeling to spare it! Is that the kind of life you want! I don’t! Not any more! I have self destructed for too long Time to WAKE UP!
Take a fool’s advice and get help from your GP. Maybe you are clinically depressed?
Try to look at the positive side of things . Its easy to stop gambling when we DON’T feel the urge. The real test comes when we do! We have to train our minds/wills to say NO NO NO!
Then you will feel better about yourself.
The pain you feel now can lead to growth. Dont waste it!I know you feel dreadful Liam but gambling as you said makes us feel a hundred times worse. Believe me I’ve been there too often!
Can you think of even one thing you can do to make yourself feel better?
Maybe go to a GA meeting? Meet a friend for a chat? Go to your GP and tell him/her how you are feeling?
There is free counselling available for CGs. Would you be interested in looking into that.? Talking face to face can be very helpful. Don’t give up ! Just STOP gambling for one day and see if it makes you feel even a tiny bit better about yourself.
If I can stop for a day, anybody can!
Lots of help available, Liam!Liam, where did you get the money to gamble?
My bet is , your family will know already that there is something wrong! Why not say you had a bad day and need to have a chat with whichever family member you can relate to best. Either that, or phone the Samaritans. Staying silent doesn’t help.
Say you feel hungry again and EAT! I have 2 sons who eat 24/7 so no need to pretend not to be hungry!
Dont punish yourself!Hope.
I always say there is only one thing worse than being a CG and that is having to live with one!
For now, I would say do nothing. Issuing ultimatums leaves us in a weak position Tell him you are not against him. Tell him you want him to stay and that the kids love him too. Support and help is available IF he wants it. Try to get him to read this site and maybe join in. There is no shame in being a CG There is a lot of help available. Don’t tolerate any BS !!!
As I said concentrate on yourself but don’t shut him out. I can tell you he is going through hell right now. Withdrawal from gambling is as bad as withdrawal from drugs. He will be restless, agitated and irritable. Frantic for a bet!
NOT YOUR PROBLEM! Remember that!!!
Support him but don’t enable him.
He needs to man up and take responsibility for his own actions . Keep the lines of communication open but be prudent.
Would he go to a GA meeting? It will be a good chance for him to talk to other CGs who totally understand where is is at right now.
You will get lots of help here from F and F. join in the chat groups and keep posting!
I’m only speaking from the side of a CG!
There are many aspects and solutions to this problem Give it time!Today I have the power to say no to gambling.
If I succumb, I will give that power away.
Today, I will not gamble .Hello Hope and welcome to GT!
I am not a CG “partner”.
I am a Compulsive Gambler, so I can only speak from that perspective.
Firstly I want to congratulate you for having the courage to uncover your CG’s secret and seek intervention. That was a huge step! Having family on board will be a great support for you.
It is also a good move to take control of finances , computer access, passwords and PINs, BUT
and this is a very big but
Unless your CG WANTS to stop gambling everything you do is waste of time as far as he is concerned. In fact trying to stop a CG gambling before he is ready, is like tying up a lion in a plastic bag and hoping he won’t escape!
My “advice” to you , for what it is worth, is PROTECT YOURSELF,your children and your home. Control the things that are within your power and let the rest go. And that includes your CG.
You cannot take one step to stop him gambling.
The more you try , the more he will resent your “interference”. You will be blamed/punished and resented and I can tell you from experience a CG will get money to gamble no matter what lengths he was to go to.
Keep posting here. Join the F and F chats. Keep your money well hidden. Tell your CG what you are doing and why and then………Let him go and stop trying to control him! He needs to control himself!Thanks for your post on my thread B!
Hope your bloodwork didn’t come up with anything too “abnormal” and also that youwill let Jen take care of her own debts!
Adult “children” can be the bane of our lives if we allow them to be!
Believe me, B, I have tried the silent treatment with my “baby” son and the planned ignoring, and the praise and the tough love and the soft touch and the talking and diverting and the bribing and rewarding and limiting setting and punishing and the letting go and the welcome homes…… You name it . I tried it! From what I observed and was subjected to over the last two days, nothing worked! Everything centred around this boy since the day he was born. I spoke to my friend briefly about his behaviour last night. Her comment was “Of all the kids I know in that age group, no mother gave her son more than you gave him” This woman doesn’t mince her words! I asked my son if he could come up with any ideas to improve the situation between us. He didn’t waste a second telling me I am the cause of ALL his problems. Told me I subjected him to a life of criticism,abuse, control, violence and rejection! I informed him I wasn’t aware of that but I do admit to correcting him as a child (sometimes too severely), pointing out his mistakes/bad behaviour, “controlling” him in a way any responsible parent should, keeping in mind that his father left all the child rearing to me while he worked two jobs when the kids were young. Instead of continuing the discussion, he launches into a barrage of verbal abuse and foul language accusing me of being a “twisted *itch who changes everything to suit myself”, so for now, I GIVE UP!
My biggest gamble was trying to rear kids and hope they would turn out right!
Like “real” gambling. you can’t win!!!Thanks for your supportive posts John!
I don’t usually vent on a public forum about domestic issues, but the alternative is to “stuff” my emotions into a slot machine which, as we know only adds to our problems.
Of course there are two sides to every story. My son’s “issues” are ongoing. His life is in a mess and “IT’S ALL MY FAULT!” He stays away for weeks/months on end. I keep calling and texting him. I nag my husband and other son to do likewise to make sure he knows we care. He perceives that as “control”! He ignores us until HE decides he is ready to make a visit home. Obviously, against his wishes and when he needs to “escape” from whatever is happening in his life. Sometimes his visits start off well! He has a very good personality when he is in a good mood. I love to see him coming home. The place “lights up” initially! He can be charming and funny and entertaining at times. He helps a lot. Cuts the lawn, serves meals, washes up etc. etc. BUT all of a sudden his mood switches and it’s always as a reaction to something I say or do. It’s as if he is looking for an opening to unleash his anger. I used to wait for my chance to “raise a row” then run for the door and go to the slots so I am no stranger to his “plots”! I feel he targets me probably because I am the only authority figure in his life and we are very alike in many ways! ( He had to leave four secondary schools (guess why!) so never completed his education) . His father is a wimp and has given up on D years ago. Yet he sneers and laughs and does nothing to discourage his son from verbally abusing his wife! Coward! My other son hates conflict and although he is very gentle and sympathizes with me and thinks his brother’s behaviour is unacceptable, yet he never supports me at the time. For that reason I’m now SICK of the lot of them just now! I don’t want to put myself across as a totally “innocent victim”. I’m not! I do retaliate and “give what I get”! What bugs me is, every time we are together as a family, this dysfunctional pattern recurs and I always come out the “worst for wear”so I am planning to make changes to protect myself from being the scapegoat/punchbag in future! I cannot change anybody else but I can take action to protect myself!
Only hubby and myself here today.
I won’t waste my breath talking to him . I said enough last night ! He knows how I feel and guess what. He is “hiding” in his workshop!
I’m back from making my payment to the CU. Better to put 500 where it belongs rather than in to a slot machine!When we “come clean” it means we are kissing Gambling goodbye in a way, AddicT, so maybe that’s why you feel a bit down. Let’s face it, for most CGs, gambling is the Love of our Lives!
Why not phone the GA Helpline to arrange for one of the members to “walk you in ” for your first visit I remember doing that years ago. A very nice man waited outside for me. Introduced me to the Group. It means you can’t change your mind in the car park!
Turning our backs on gambling can be like a bereavement !
Give yourself time to “mourn”!
Maybe your G/F could attend Gamanon or the Friends and Family Forum here. She will need help if she intends supporting you!
Well done on taking such brave steps!Gambling is a progressive disease Wizefox. Every time we go back after a break, the problem escalates faster and more seriously until the damage seems irreparable.
I know what you mean when you say gambling makes you ill. It has wrecked my health as well as my finances. The stress and anxiety created by gambling wears off in time but it can have long term effects.
Do you need to see your GP and maybe take some time off work until your head clears?
It seems as if you are in shock right now but things will improve. Don’t lose hope!