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Thanks for the chat tonight Liberty.
Very beneficial !
Hope you got something out of it too?the email wont send Mav
I’ ll leave this here for a few minutes
……………………………………..Great to see and update from you Kathryn and thanks for the post on my thread. You and I go back a long way but our recoveries don’t match, sadly. I botched up too often!
A caravan!! AHH!
That brings back memories! When my “baby” was 8 months old we bought a little caravan with a big awning and decided to try it out. “If the baby sleeps, we’ll stay for the weekend”, I said ! He slept and we ended up staying at that seaside for A MONTH!!!
That’s how irresponsible I was even before I started to gamble!!!! I was a “stay at home mother”then. Hubby had two jobs! He commuted from the caravan ever day on a motor bike and left me the car. He built a creel to keep the baby from rolling out of the bunk. At the end of the month he ( baby, not hubby!) climbed over the creel and that was the end of our first weekend away in the caravan and the start of many more long weekend breaks !
All in my pre gambling days.
I’m so happy you are G Free Kathryn and reaping the rewards. You deserve the very best. Hope your mam is keeping well. I often think of you and her…
Oh! for the good ol’ days!
Tempis fugit!Mornings seem to be your bad time Maverick!
You always brighten up as the day goes on!
Keeping your thread in the archives for posterity made me smile in a way.
I don’t think I need a “thread” to remind me of the havoc gambling has caused in my life!
I just need to check my negative bank balance,my debts and then look in the mirror!!!
It scares me!!
But you’re only a youngster Maverick with many years ahead to make many many better memories !!
In ten years time you’ll be looking back laughing!
Stay positive!Why not get on the Helpline and have a chat with admin, Charlster?
You have put a lot of work into your recovery so far.
Sometimes we need an extra bit of hurdle help!Don’t allow your wife’s recent attempt to gamble break you, Jason! This is par for the course. It’s very early days.
Do you think admitting she has a problem will cure her? There is no instant “”cure”! No magic wand. She needs to sit with her own admission and digest it herself. Maybe, at this point you could ask her if she would like you to help her to discuss her problem with an outsider. A counsellor? GA? Gambling Therapy? GP? Priest? Pastor? This might be the time to gently mention this Site. If she resists, back off!
She is trying to gamble.
She is also trying frantically to prove to you that she can limit her gambling. Because, as I said in an earlier post, you are her greatest obstacle right now, she has to keep you on her side. Then, when things go wrong she can say “We were in this together” I see it as a bonus that she is not YET acting in total secrecy. When a CG begins doing that it is even more dangerous. Try to keep the communication lines open.
My advice to you wold be to use as few words as possible . Words mean very little to a CG.
She has crossed the Proverbial Line. There is no going back when a CG reaches this point, She cannot gamble “normally”ever again. Kissing her hobby goodbye will be difficult so she needs to ease away gradually. It needs to be HER decision not yours! I cannot emphasize that enough.
Tell her you are dis associating your self totally with any gambling trip or venture she is planning. If she insists on destroying her life, let her know you will not be her accomplice BUT as soon as she wants help to stop gambling let her know you will be there beside her 100%.
That’s the best you can do for now.
Tell her exactly what your plans are and stick to them regardless of what she does. If she sees you deviating in the slightest she will take advantage of what she will perceive as weakness.
It’s not a game of tit for tat. You are involved in a serious situation which will at times require Tough Love.
Every word I write is my opinion only. I do not know the mindset of your wife or of any other CG but there are common traits.
Don’t give up hope. Things will improve. There is a lot of help available.“Addiction” is far too strong a word to use at this stage Jason.
Just stick to “gambling problem”!
Time to put on the kid gloves.
You are making wonderful progress.
Your wife is aware she has a problem
That is a huge step for a CG.
In my opinion your son is far too young to be involved in his mam’s “issues”.
She wants to protect him.
Grant her a mother’s privilege. He is only a child!Just cling on to that lifeline Charlster and draw a line under your recent loss.
I know the SICK feeling only too well.
Time heals . But it takes longer every time.God help you!
Just to say I’m thinking of you Lizbeth . Delighted to hear your daughter has a job. It will make her accountable. Hopefully! “Big” children are a greater source of worry than the small ones!
Was you mum a worrier?
‘Hope her appointment with the cardiologist goes well!It is good to glimpse into the past to remind ourselves of what we did Maverick.
I went to very few GA meetings. I do remember a guy shaking my hand as I left one of those meetings. He said “Keep looking forward, with only the odd glance over your shoulder to remind yourself of what has brought you here”!
In your case Mav you are doing more than taking the odd glance back……
Let’s face it. We screwed up big time. Look at what you have left . Not what you lost. You have a wonderful wife and family. Give them time. They need a break. They have been seriously traumatized. Stay in touch with them every day Your son will always be your son He needs his dad! To hell with the business for now. Nobody could work in your present mental state. If you were in a regular job you would be signed off sick. You still have you physical health, You can walk, eat sleep, go to GA. Drive. Interact with people. You are a young man .Posting all your feelings here is a skill . you are a great communicator. These are wonderful gifts Maverick . Look on them as Blessings. Use TODAY to prevent you revisiting yesterday with regret in your heart!
Wallowing over past mistakes is like gambling.
It solves NOTHING!How about the steak and sausages Mav!
Did you cook them today?How did the Convention go Maverick?
Hope you were ok on the journey and had a good chat with your fellow travellers and meet some helpful people there.Hi again Jason!
To clarify my comment that there is nothing you can do to stop your wife gambling, I will reiterate what I said while referring to my own experience.
I cannot , of course speak for any other CG.
In my case, there was nothing whatsoever that my husband could do or say that would have stopped me gambling until I was ready to admit I was powerless and that gambling (not my husband)had me beaten! In fact, the more he tried to stop me ( looking back he really didn’t try that hard) the more determined I became to overrule him. I think like you Jason HE WAS AFRAID! I can identify with your wife’s present behaviour and I can see where you might be enabling her to gamble even more. In order to allow me to gamble I needed three pieces of ammunition. Money, Time and Opportunity. If anybody ever tried to interfere with my access to any of the above, I felt immediately threatened to the point where I would instantly provoke all sorts of irrational arguments to create the smoke screen I needed to allow me to escape.My desire to gamble was like a forceful magnet , drawing me away from real life to a secret world which I believed in my flawed mind was the only place I ever wanted to be. In order to continue my actions, I needed an Enabler and a Scapegoat. My husband fulfilled my needs because he did not know how to handle me. This is the KEY, Jason. Nobody knows how to handle a CG at this stage of the illness. His mistakes gave me all the Opportunity and the Time that I needed. I learned to play him like a fiddle and fine tune every note to keep my Illusions intact! My need for money came later…..
What is obvious from your posts Jason is you don’t know how to handle your wife’s present behaviour. In fact I suspect you might be even blaming yourself for some of it .
This is firing her gambling big time! Taking blame plus your fear is allowing her to continue to gamble. You say you don’t know how to “handle her requests”. These words jumped out at me from your first post because in the beginning I used to ask my husband to drive me to a casino. Why should a person need to “request” to partake in “normal” fun! This shows how “sick” we have become! I would allow him to think he had some say in my gambling and like you, he would wait in the car and it seemed all above board because I was going “with his consent”. What he didn’t know was, that every chance I got I was also going more and more behind his back, on my own and would spend up to 12 hours there doing “my own thing” and I was secretly borrowing huge sums of money and packing those machines with every cent I borrowed! Like I did, your wife has involved you to a limited degree and has even allowed you to carry the blame because that served her addiction at that time.
I will let you in on a little CG secret Jason. My guess is that now her game is almost up! You are an obstacle to her gambling now . That is why she wants you out of the way. She is insulting and verbally abusing you so she will have a clear run to do the only thing she wants to do right now. Gamble! This cannot last Jason!
My guess is she is petrified by her own lack of control. She cannot face her fears so she is running scared! The time will come when she will collapse under the strain. I think that time is near from what you have described. She is both teasing you and testing you because you are her best friend yet her addiction’s worst enemy. Sooner or later things will erupt. Secrecy is very stressful . We can run but we can’t hide forever Jason and it seems the time is coming when she will need you to be there for her. Sadly, when I arrived at that place and “came clean” with my husband it was too late for him in many ways.
Every scenario is different . Velvet will tell you how to look after yourself. I am just sharing my experience to let you know that Gambling comes with a high price tag. Every CG must face the music at some point. While I say there is NOTHING YOU can do to stop your wife gambling, I will say there is a LOT she can do to STOP HERSELF!
Stay strong. She will need your support when she wakes up from this horrible nightmare we call “Fun”!Hi Jason!
I saw your name in the chat earlier but missed you.
I am a compulsive gambler and like you I was surprised to find myself on a Gambling Therapy Site posting those very words.
Gambling is a complex issues Jason and I always say there is only one thing worse than being a CG and that is being married to one! I honestly don’t know how my husband lived/lives with me when I am in the “active phase” of this illness! It transforms us into what I could only describe as a “she devil”!
I do believe it is an illness Jason. It takes hold of us and pulls us powerfully into places and situations that no “normal” person would ever dream of going . It is progressive. It escalates fast once we lose control and it ruins lives. The good news is, however , that a Cg can stop gambling and we can stay stopped. You will read lots of recovery stories on the Journal Section of this Forum. Many CGs have succeeded in staying Gamble Free for years. My own recovery has been rocky. Not due to lack of knowledge or support, but through lack of discipline and effort on my part.
You wife appears to be in a very bad place right now. As a CG I can feel her panic and overwhelming desperation. When I needed to gamble I created scenes which led to chaos and confusion by magnifying the most minor flaws in my husband and family and projecting my own issue onto others to the extent that my husband would be in such a state of confusion he would be reduced to the level of a wimp, I am very ashamed to admit that at this point I would resort to manipulation and my new found “power” would give me the opportunity to flee to the nearest casino acting like a victim of his “unfair or shoddy handling ” of whatever situation we were dealing with. In other words I create drama as an excuse to gamble.
It seems to me that your wife is using a similar tactic!
Velvet will give you all the “self help skills” you need Jason.
You ask what can you do to STOP your wife gambling.
As a CG I will give you a short answer
“Nothing”!
Look after yourself Jason or you will find yourself being sucked in by this powerful force which will fast become beyond everyone’s control.
You wife will stop gambling only when she becomes SICK of what it is doing to her and to her loved ones.
I hope it will stop before everything ends in tears!God bless!
Glad to see a post from you John! What a difference 6 months can make! You have come a very long way.
Sorry to hear of your brother’s heart attack. Good that he is still here to tell the tale! Let it be a wake up call! As you say, life is delicate.
I believe none of us will get an hour longer than our measure.
In the meantime we should be grateful for our blessings and make the most of every day.
I have been in never never land for too long! Time to start making the most of every day!
Thanks for the post on my thread and all your support throughout your time here!
You’re a “true blue” John!