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Yes, nomore, my husband was always “like that”. He seems to be unable to express emotions . His reactions are and always were inappropriate, as I understand “normal” emotional reactions to be . I know there is a wide range of expressions and some people, especially men, never cry -or at least they are expected not to cry in many cultures. I would think fear and denial played a big part in my husband’s life but of course if I ever broach the subject of thinking or feeling he becomes very uncomfortable and accuses me of trying to “be smart” , “set him up” or of “controlling him”. He displays his feelings in practical terms, of deflects from issues, and never asks how I feel or what I’m thinking. If I try to express myself he takes it personally and becomes either very petty , saying “you’re always criticizing me” or even boarder line paranoid, where he would explode and walk out refusing to discuss the issue. This would be for very minor things such as discussions regarding the children growing up, plans for family events, holidays, whatever. These occasions always ended in tears or in some sort of spoiled fun . His mood was never appropriate. And I would never know when he was going to “flip”. I think it could be described as “incongruity of affect” in psychiatric terms . For example, when I went for gambling counselling the counsellor wanted to see the two of use together. Or see him alone. The wonderful gambling Industry offered six free sessions. (Big WOW !”Free”!) This threatened him deeply. He began to say “it’s all a plan to drive you back to gambling”. The irony was, they didn’t need any plan because on the way home from my own sessions, I was going to the casino regularly. How weird is that!
Of course I never really blamed him for my gambling. He enabled me all the time. He provided reasons (which I chose to justify) He either ignored me when I begged him to help me to stop or he would comply with an alternative arrangement eg go for a meal or to the cinema instead of gambling, but by golly, would I suffer ! In short, I think for some deep rooted reason, it suited him better when I was gambling and that gave me an ideal opportunity to indulge my addiction. I would have loved him to “go into therapy” because I know he has past issues that were never dealt with but he would never have agreed. I was the source of all his grief. I was always the person he blamed when things went wrong . If it hadn’t been for me, our family would have had no problems!
Maybe he was right!
I do know that loneliness and rejection are common traits in CGs. I saw lots and lots of middle aged women treating “their” slot machines like “toy boys”, stroking them, coaxing them, talking to them, whispering sweet nothings and all the while, feeding them their last dime! If that’s not sublimation or displacement, what is it?
Yes, living in an emotional void can be lonely.You sound very like my husband, nomore!
He just doesn’t “get it” when it comes to emotions! He is a hard worker. Always sees things on a practical level and never ever expresses feelings good or bad.
I often wondered if that drove me to gambling? An emotional void!Accepting reality is not easy, nomore.
I completely understand how you feel about losing your home, your car and other material possessions. As a CG, I have experienced many losses, and knowing I caused them makes it all the more difficult to accept. Throwing my eyes towards heaven often brought it’s own loss. God will not be mocked!
I guess when you lose your home and your security you also lose trust in other people and even in yourself. Without hope for a better future, life can become empty and the tangible possessions which give us a certain type of independence appear suddenly very fragile.
I am learning each day to drop my attachments and I find myself clinging less to material things and to people who I thought were the source of happiness in my life. Even my own children. It’s a strange type of detachment. I find it difficult to comprehend sometimes.
Money and material possessions provide comfort and security of course but in an ever changing world there are very few certainties.
Gambling sure taught me ways of coping when Life’s rug was pulled swiftly from under my feet. which it was, many times.
I hope and pray you will find ways to cope with your husband’s gambling legacy. Knowing your daughter is secure and successful will bring huge consolation.
Keep posting.Well done on 87G free days, Reddy. One at a time. Having holidays to look forward to and being recognised at work is a good incentive. When we feel worthless, we think of gambling!
This site is not as supportive as it used to be. When I first came here in 2008, I was inundated with posts from several people who maintained contact.
Keep up the good work!My view (the Christian view) on forgiveness, nomore, is that it is beyond the capacity of a mere human to forgive ourselves or others. That power comes from a Higher Source. Personally, I need to pray for the ability to forgive. Then it becomes an act of the Will, which requires ongoing effort until the hurts and scars begin to fade, gradually. It doesn’t happen in a flash. Sometimes the hurt will never leave .
The picture you paint Pam, is one of chaos and dysfunction. The very opposite to what family life should/could be.
I am a compulsive gambler who created havoc in my home and left a trail of destruction behind me, The lies and the secrecy have a greater effect than the actual gambling, on both the CG and the family.
I suppose I was “lucky” in that it was I who gambled and not my husband. Otherwise we would be in prison now for non payment of bills mortgages etc.
When violence and abuse creep into a relationship, it’s time to take serious action. It seems you’ re carrying the full responsibility for the marriage, the children and the living expenses.
As a mother of now grown up children I can relate to your reaction to you husband’s sneakiness and deceit. Ideally, you should not spy on him or try to track his movement because CGs are experts at twisting things around and portraying ourselves as the victims -“look what he/she made me do”. This sadly will cause confusion for your children and force them to have divided loyalties .
Until the CG admits he/she is powerless over gambling, nothing will change in the gambling world.
As you rightly said, gambling is both delusional and an illusion so when you try to apply rational thought and words to an irrational situation, all you will end up with is more chaos, more abuse and more grief.
Take ten steps back Pam and look at the things you can do.
You CAN go to gamanon, as Worried mama suggested.
You CAN stop paying all the bills and insist your husband pays his share.
You CAN arrange Family Counselling and go with the kids, even if hour husband refuses to attend.
You CAN seek legal advice regarding your rights and his duty as a husband and father.
You CAN tell the kids to “ask daddy” when they look for outings and treats.
You CAN draw up a plan explaining your intentions i.e. from now on the grocery bill/TV /internet bills will be halved-make a list of the “terms and conditions” and stick to them.
You CAN never “call his bluff” unless you intend carrying out your threats.
I know your husband is trying to be the “big man” by throwing shapes right now That’s the CG’s defence. I can guarantee that underneath that façade there lies a very scared little boy. Feeling out of control drives a CG to act tough but the time will come for him to face his demons and with his hand on his heart say “My name is ********I am a compulsive gambler”.
Until that time comes Pam take a fool’s advice and remain silent. Words mean nothing to a CG. Action is what matters and from what you describe, you need to take urgent action.
I wish you all the best in YOUR recovery.
Just for today admit to yourself that YOU are powerless over your husband’s gambling.
Stay close to this site.It seems your husband’s gambling has had a profound effect on your life at every level, nomore. Now that you are “good friends” maybe it would be of help to both of you to talk about this together and reach a point where you can forgive him and allow him to forgive himself. I know “forgiveness” has become a buzz word and is seen as some kind of a magic therapy but I also know that unforgiveness causes a lot of those scars that you say are there for good.
Counting my blessings and being content with what I have prevents me from chasing what I do not or may never have.
Scars can fade and sometimes improve with exposure to light!
‘Bet your garage is not half as messy as my attic! Once you get started you might be surprised at how cathartic that project will be.Welcome to GT, Courage.
Lots of help available here. Many have been on the verge of ruin caused by gambling.
Every CGs needs to start again. We need to start living a new life every day . One day at a time. It is the only way we can reclaim what is left . You will be surprised at how much better you will feel when you walk away from gambling.
Keep posting. Stay focused!
Nobody can change the past but we can plan a better future.
Best wishes in recovery!Dry gambling sets us up for another session of “the real thing” Steven. For years, I went through phases of being broke/banned, which prevented me from gambling but it was there, at the back of my mind waiting to pounce on the next lump of money that came my way, then I would pretend to be surprised when I found myself back to square one, penniless again.
If you are really intent on holding on to the few thousand that you are due, I would suggest giving it to a reliable person to hold for you or put it somewhere that you cannot have any access to it i.e a Savings account that requires notice. This can be done online which means you don’t have to see the money. In desperation, after a substantial loss last year, I set up such an account. It will take a LONG time to restore what I lost as I am also paying off huge gambling debt which almost totally depletes my income and will continue to do so for approx. 3/4 years.
That’s the legacy from gambling Steven. My story. Your’s could be similar or it could be very different if you follow the advice given on GT. I ignored it and did it my way for years. Now the time has come to face the consequences of my wilful choices.
I hope you don’t continue to travel down the path of self destruction which has the capacity to ruin lives.
Go to GA and watch the members tremble as they share their tales of woe!Good to hear from you nomore and well done to your husband for 6 1/2 G free years. Sounds as if the stress wouldn’t help his already fragile health. I hope he keeps well and “cuts his cloth to size”.
None of us are getting any younger and I know gambling aged me beyond my years. I look at my husband sometimes and wonder if my gambling turned him into the old man I see before my eyes. No point in torturing ourselves, though. Some questions will never be answered. I’m sorry to hear that you are affected by depression and anxiety . Do you have any help for that? I think I suffered from anxiety all my life but managed to mask it in different ways. Gambling was a great cover up, but of course the debt I created by gambling caused enormous stress. CGs never win and that pertains to more than money. I go to GA now; I’m not long home from a meeting. I’m the only woman in that group. I’m in awe of the amount of emotional sharing from the large group of men. They seem to be a great support to each other. Once again I feel like the odd one out, but that has been the story of my life. I’m currently carrying out a project I have been putting off for years. Clearing out the attic! I wrote a bit about it on my thread. It actually has the makings of a novel, if I had the energy to write all my emotions. I feel as if I’m deleting half of my life -the half I didn’t leave in slot machines!
Glad to hear your daughter is doing well. Every mother’s wish is for her children to stay on the right road. Sadly, many go astray.
Do you ever attend the Support Groups on GT?
Maybe we will get to meet up there sometime in the future.
Take care, nomore.
One day at a time is the motto. I try to remember that when I press the Fast Forward or Delete button!
God bless!I just read a post you wrote in 2014, No more.
I always benefit from posts you write on others’ threads but I must have missed or forgotten this thread.
How IS your husband now. Did he have treatment for the conditions you mentioned? Did you manage to get back to where you wanted to live and how is your daughter keeping?
Just interested!
Best regards!Just read your post about land based casinos, Steven….Where I gambled they knew the CGs very well. I’m sure we were well flagged on camera and here the casinos are privately owned so you get to see the fatcats face to face and they know well who the big spenders are. Even the guys working there made comments to me about my losses. It used to make me sick, but it was one of the things that turned me off going back. I didn’t want to be known as a loser.
Pride saved me!!!
As for the online “antics”, I only tried it last March for the first time and I am still recovering from the shock.
I was wiped out beyond belief.
When I tried (too late) to ban for life they offered me several bonuses….bastards from hell! excuse the language!How are you doing, Reddy?
Any progress with the new job?
Still gamble free, I hope?I asked that question many times, Steven.
The only conclusion I came to , is that they show “token” concern in the form of Free Counselling, Gamaware programmes etc. That gets them off the hook and lulls the unfortunate donors (us!)into a false security.The only satisfaction we can get is to deprive the sleazy fatcats of our hard earned cash, from now on.
I used to be VERY angry.
The feeling has subsided now.
“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference”!Steven, do you really think the Gaming Industry is interested in helping CGs reform our gambling habits? I think they just want our money! lol!
Focusing on the injustice of the Industry could prevent us from facing the real problem.
For me, I chose to gamble. Certainly, the availability of casinos and the ploys they use to suck gamblers in further, enabled me to self destruct, but now that we know that we are compulsive gamblers, it is up to each individual to concentrate on seeking the help that will enable us to not gamble today.
The Gaming Industry is not our problem.
Compulsive gambling is!