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Everything ok, FG?
‘Haven’t seen you around for a while.You really need to ask yourself why you continue to pick up the tab for your dad?
It’s not all about him.
This is about you!
I knew 5 people I could “tap” for loans. Swore them all to secrecy to keep my gambling head above water.
Did I care?
At some level I cared deeply but my need to gamble was far far greater than their needs.
It was all about me.
The only thing I can say m’darlin’, is when you change, everything will change.
What is holding you back from making this big change?
There must be some underlying “double bind”.
I suggest you discuss it with your counsellor.
It’s possible that you could be using your dad’s gambling to deflect from something you need to deal with.
Enablers always have a reason to allow the “addict” to continue playing games.
Take time to reflect
You will find, most likely that your dad has several “second hand ” loans. Most CGs see that behaviour as normal when we are “active”.Anger and fear cause me to push people away when I want to gamble.
Anyone who steps in the way of an active gambler can expect an aggressive reaction.
Feeling out of control causes immense fear. If another person tries to “help” it reminds a CG how out control he/she actually is.
“Loving” acts are a huge threat to a CG.
I would advise you Walter to take a step back from your partner.
Things have a way of coming to a head in the gambling world.
Try to be patient.CGs surround themselves with people who, verbally or non verbally agree to keep their secrets. CGs target those who will enable them to gamble. Usually, vulnerable people become entwined emotionally with the CG, who will continue to use those people or that person (you, in your dad’s case, JD)for as long as they allow themselves to be used.
We are only as sick as our secrets.
Ask yourself why you are continuing to be part of your dad’s secret life.
I hate to say this, but sometimes it suits the enabler to allow her/himself to be treated in this way.
You are NOT in control of your dad’s gambling addiction. You ARE in control of how you react to his demand for secrecy.
Perhaps you could tell him you intend reneging on the agreement to pay his loan and instead of involving your mother, you could let the creditors know who the real debtor is.
I have a little bit of “inside info” in this area. I have used your dad’s tricks. I can see right through him , even at a distance, because I too am a compulsive gambler.Thanks for posting on my thread C-Noel.
I can tell you for sure that I took many backward steps. I always “left the door open” so that I could gamble when the urge hit me. Gambling is habitual as well as being highly addictive . The title of your thread shows that you are aware of it’s consequences. Gambling always ends in tears. I never met a rich gambler or one who said “I’m going to quit because I cleaned the casino/bookies out”. It seems like fun for a while but the “fun” comes with a heavy price tag.
Well done on handing your finances over to your sister. Can you tell her how you feel and talk about the damage gambling has done to you?
I wish you well in recovery and hope you get a job soon (and a new boyfriend, when the time is right!)Just to let you know you are in my thoughts and prayers Jen.
I will look out for an update from you.Hi Coaster and welcome to GT.
You asked on C-Noel’s thread how you could control your thoughts. In my experience, thoughts come and go and we have little or no control of how and when a particular thought will pop up. How we react to these gambling thoughts is what leads a CG to either total destruction or recovery. For a compulsive gambler there is no middle road. Once we cross the line into compulsive gambling, we can never gamble normally again. I think this is the stumbling block for many gamblers. For years I dipped in and out of recovery. I would abstain for weeks, months-even made it to a year once, but I always went back . Why? Because I thought I could gamble normally. My plan was to “play for a while and leave when I’m winning” . Many years and many thousands of lost pounds later, I discovered that a CG never wins. I believe when we come to realise this FACT, we will give up trying (gambling). I also realised that my need to gamble was becoming far greater than my need to win and know now that if I ever go back to that lonely place, it will be for the buzz, not for the money.
Have you ever tried GA? (Gamblers Anonymous)
At GA meetings you will hear many success stories. You will also look into the eyes of other broken people who , one day at a time succeed in putting gambling to the back of their minds, while they live their lives, free from the torment and misery gambling brings. My poison is slot machines but most of the GA guys are “bookie/sports ” gamblers. I hear them describing how they no longer talk about racing, no longer read the racing pages on newspapers etc. This may be something you will have to do . CGs have to go to extreme measures to stop gambling controlling our lives. Not carrying cash or cards, not having gambling conversations, not daydreaming and planning the next bet are some of the ways which will help us to break the habit and prevent the cycle from becoming a never ending part of our lives.
Best wishes in recovery.Well done on coming back for help, C-Noel.
I would have some reservations about your therapist’s views on gambling. I know for a fact when I make up my mind to gamble, nothing will stop me. Whether that’s a chemical in my brain “setting me off” or just plain addiction which I refuse to fully address , I cannot say for certain. I do know , however, that a CG can prevent gambling thoughts from escalating into gambling actions by using Awareness techniques which will help to avoid the never ending gambling cycle ruling our lives.
The First Step is to admit we are powerless over gambling. I have learned that I am only powerless when I place that first bet and there are many methods which CGs apply and exercise one day at a time to remain G free. Perhaps your therapist would be interested in probing these preventative tools with you. CGs love “excuses”. If we “know” that some chemical is responsible for our gambling, my fear is , this notion could be latched on to as a carte blanche to continue gambling.
There comes a time when each CG has to take personal responsibility for our actions. When we place that first bet, it is very often too late. I would suggest that you become aware of the lead up to your actions and curb the first thought that may set off this action…
‘Hope I’m making sense here. It’s way past my bedtime but I wanted to let you know you will find lots of support here.
You are not alone!I remember you Dan. Well done on coming back. I guess most CGs would prefer to find an alternative to starting over but I know from years of searching that there is no alternative.
When we gamble, we risk everything.
Recovery is there for the taking. Grab it while you can. I missed many chances and I’m still scrambling for damage control. I know if I continue to gamble it will end in tears.
You are not alone and you CAN change. There is a better life out there. It’s up to each CG to start changing, little by little, one day at a time.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Just use all the support available and things will improve.‘See you in this evening’s Group, Micky, if there is one. Not sure though, due to it being a bank holiday.
Either way, I will stay in touch.
Great to hear about the 22 Day Challenge. Well done!Preventing a fall is better than having a safety net, Kin.
Safety nets offer false security . Relying on wisdom would be a better bet. Alcohol weakens your resistance. Why not quit drinking?
Thanks for posting to my thread.
I’m almost recovered . Lot of flu, chest/throat infection going around.
Gambling is not the cure! Neither is alcohol!Keeping an eye on your thread Micky
Busy with my daughter. Some ups and downs. Just keeping the show on the road until Monday.
Overall, she had a great holiday.
Maybe meet you in a group next week?Three things come to mind
1. CGs can’t keep promises (Making promises often acts as a trigger to break them. lol!)
2. “When you sup with the devil , use a long handled spoon”-don’t tempt fate! It ruined me, many a time.
3. Every cloud has a silver. Self excluding was your silver lining today, but it could have ended in a tsunami!Do everything in your power to nip this in the bud, Adam.
You know it will clean you out.
Hand over all access to cash to your G/F or your mam.
Lock up at closing time no matter who asks you to try to win their money back
It will ruin you.
Run when you can.
Chasing down blind alleys is a waste of time.
CGs A L W A Y S lose. You know that.
Get your Plan up and running . You know this will end in
tears.
Cut your losses and walk away.
Maybe look at changing jobs. That place is lethal for you.I can almost smell that lovely fresh paint Micky.
You are making great headway.
Gambling is such a waste of precious time.
It’s sinful really to abuse and reject all the gifts we’ve been given.
Stay focussed Micky
You’re on to a good thing .