[velvet]

For Lind who is doing well

[velvet]

It is so annoying when a group closes and you are still talking.

Please keep speaking, either in a group or on the forum or on our Helpline which is there for you – and your husband if he will accept he could do with support

[velvet]

Hi CB

Good to hear that you are feeling stronger even if you are not completely clear of the associated worries.

Have you asked advice from the bank regarding the loan? Ae they aware that it is your husband loan and that he has a gambling addiction. Maybe if you could find out where you husband is, you could forward his address to the bank so that they can chase him, rather than you having to do it. It possibly feels a little underhand directing a creditor to your husband but a gambler, often needs to feel the pain of his actions before he will take responsibility.

I think he is probably not deliberately stringing you along, he is probably more likely to be putting actions or decisions off until tomorrow, hoping that something will turn up, or his luck will change, or you will back off and forget.

I’ve never asked you how you are feeling in yourself – it’s not easy ending a marriage that wouldn’t have been all bad. Love doesn’t just disappear although, I believe, it can be strangled slowly over time and that is possibly what has happened to you. Are you getting any support with your emotions, never mind the gambling? Do you have siblings? Are your friends supportive?

I agree, the frustrating is massive and it is impossible not to be impatient but finding yourself again can be very exciting and rewarding.

Speak soon

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Mike

All the best bits of you are left Mike and that is why you are here posting again.

Your support network is all important and you have that in place.

I know you can live gamble-free, which is why I am posting to you. Nobody could have said to you that taking control of your life was going to be easy but I do know that this is one battle that is really worth fighting and winning. I have seen the wonderful outcomes of so many who have trodden the same path as you.

It is natural to feel impatient because recovery takes time but keep posting and joining the groups, use the Helpline and your support network, you can do it – we all want you to succeed.

Velvet

• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by velvet.

[velvet]

Hello Jason and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ?
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

HI Julie

How wise you are to protect your own recovery; a massive ‘well done’ to you for not risking your sobriety. The strength you have shown at this time bodes well for your future and I wish you well.

Your therapist was right, your husband does need professional help and/or the support of gamblers, who are already learning or have have already learned, successfully, to control their addiction.

I would imagine it was scary for you to hold it all together while you made him leave the house. His note implies a level of contrition but of course this is not enough. However, maybe him recognising that he has failed will help him to think more deeply about the man he is.

It is hard to be strong at times like this and I hope your husband will appreciate the strength you have shown, maybe not today or tomorrow but in the weeks and months ahead. Maybe he is afraid of the void that comes from facing an addiction that is controlling his life, maybe he is just not ready but whatever it is, you are a terrific role model for him.

I hope that your husband will get a kick in the backside because of your action but whatever your outcome Julia, I believe you have possibly done the best thing for yourself and possibly for him.

Maybe you could tell him about this site and the great support we offer gamblers, on our Helpline; in the forum entitled ‘My Journal’ and in our ‘gambler only’ groups facilitated by Charles who stood in your husband’s shoes many years ago. We have seen many success stories over the years. I know that if your husband told Charles that it is his belief that he ‘does not have a gambling problem and that if he did, he could ‘fix’ it’, the answer he received would not be the one he expected.

However whatever his outcome, your immediate future is all about you and your fur babies ( I have 2) and importantly ensuring that there is no more chemically damaged hair.

Please keep posting, this is a difficult time for you and I am more than happy to accompany you on this brave new path in your life.

Velvet

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by velvet.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by velvet.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by velvet.

[velvet]

Hi Lind

Compulsive gamblers are not intrinsically bad people, but their poor behaviour often causes heartbreak to those who love them.

I do not seek to excuse you husband’s behaviour but I think it helps to understand certain aspects of the addiction to gamble and the accompanying lies.

In the early days, your husband will probably have joined friends or family in a harmless bet without realising that for him there was no such thing as harmless. He would not have known that he had a problem until it was too late and the cover-up lies had become common place. Lie often follows lie, as failures mount up, until truth is lost. I suspect, he will not like what he has become and equally he will not know how to do anything differently. The lying is probably the only method of coping your husband feels he has.

A compulsion to gamble is not about money, it is ‘the gamble’ that matters. However, every gamble fuels thoughts of more gambling and it is inevitable that losses follow. Every loss triggers the need to ‘gamble’ again and so it goes on.

It will be hard to piece your life together again but you have made a positive start. I think it is great that you are still talking to your husband and that you have erected barriers to protect your finances and your health. Maybe you could direct him towards Gamblers Anonymous (GA), or this site where we have fantastic resources for him. We have an excellent Helpline available for both of you; we have Gambler Only groups facilitated by Charles who will understand your husband and support him; there is also the Gordon Moody (GM) rehab in the UK which is excellent.

It would be great to chat to you in real time, I facilitate the Friends and Family group on Tuesday and Thursday evenings between 7 and 8pm. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum, it is private and safe.

Keep posting Lind, I know the aftermath is extremely tough and I believe that talking to those who have been there helps tremendously.

Velvet

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by velvet.

[velvet]

Hi Diego

Advice is often what we ask for Diego, when we know the answer but wish we didn’t.

We can only support you on this forum, we cannot tell you what to do.

Of course, your wife realises that you don’t want the casino to be part of your lives but that knowledge is of no importance to her as long as you are willing to accept the status quo. Accepting the status quo is your decision but it is important to recognise that a gambling addiction does not get better without treatment.

I’m not surprised that you wife does not want to separate when she has freedom of access to your joint account – but surely it is what ‘you’ want that should be paramount for you.

I am sure you must realise that your wife is not going to stop gambling by the end of this year or any subsequent year without seeking help; where is her incentive to do so?

Have you seen her cut up her credit cards? Is she doing anything towards getting treatment for her problem? I suspect you know the answers Diego – you just wish you didn’t.

Velvet

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by velvet.

[velvet]

Hello Julie

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend ?
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place ?
We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

[velvet]

Hi Lind

Well done writing your first post. I will reply to you properly soon but in the meantime I just wanted to say that you are being heard and understood

Velvet

[velvet]

Hello

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page

Read about the friends and Family Online Groups

Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend ?

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place ?

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

[velvet]

Hi Lind

I hope you will return to this page.

Please start your own thread as I cannot reply to you on another person’s thread.

There is a lot of understanding on this site for you and I hope you will consider joining me in a Friends and Family Group on either Tuesday or Thursday evenings between 7 and 8pm. Its great to ‘talk’ in real time, it is safe and private.

Velvet

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by velvet.

[velvet]

Hi CB

If your mother wants to know why it is not easy for a compulsive gambler just to stop gambling or why you cannot save or control your husband, maybe she would like to join me in a group.

I am taking a short break until my next group on 7th September – I’m so sorry to be doing this when you are new and in need of support but you are in my thoughts. I think that being civil and getting on with your life sounds great – with such a brilliant attitude I am sure a happier future awaits you and I look forward to hearing your progress.
Our Helpline is also here for you – it is one-to-one and anonymous. You will be understood – as will your mother.

We will talk soon I’m sure.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi CB

You certainly do not deserve the brunt of anyone’s anger.

Maybe the answer to the question about repayment of debt is that there is no point in keeping asking the same question when it is impossible to give a definitive answer.

The important thing is that you are retaking control of your life and you are healthy and less anxious. It is an unpleasant truth that many gambling debts are never repaid.

You have bravely closed a chapter; a new chapter has begun for you and I’m sorry your parents are not listening. I think you have to sit tight and hopefully take some reassurance from me that you are not alone. I will be here for you as long as you want me to be and I do understand.

Speak soon

Velvet

[velvet]

Hola CB. Espero que pronto camines erguido y dejes atrás estas alucinantes palabras de ignorancia. Viví con la adicción al juego en mi familia durante 25 años sin saber qué era lo que estaba mal. No soy ni estúpido ni pequeño, lo amaba por lo que era, no por su adicción. Se aseguró de que yo no supiera cuál era su problema porque sabía que la habilitación se detendría. El resultado fue que hice todas las cosas incorrectas por todas las razones correctas. Afortunadamente nadie insinuó que era estúpido ni me preguntó por qué lo amaba, aunque soy consciente de que mucha gente no lo entendió y nunca lo entenderá. No hay una bola de cristal que nos diga lo que nos deparará el futuro, pero espero que su distanciamiento ayude de alguna manera a que su esposo se recupere; lamentablemente, muchos jugadores deben lastimarse mucho antes de tocar fondo. Sin embargo, sea cual sea el resultado para su esposo, debe estar muy orgullosa de haber tenido el coraje de tomar la decisión correcta para usted. No me da vergüenza hablar de lo que me pasó y tú tampoco deberías estarlo, ni pediste ni quisiste su adicción. Tal vez podrías decirles a tus padres que te gustaría su apoyo, pero no quieres hablar de lo sucedido. Quizás hablaron enojados de que tu esposo te había lastimado y que no te habían salvado. Si tuviste una buena relación con ellos antes, entonces probablemente valdrá la pena salvarla; con suerte, cuando vean que estás sano, feliz y viviendo la vida que quieres vivir, se arrepientan de su falta de apoyo. Espero que sigas publicando. Sería genial 'reunirme' con usted en un grupo de amigos y familiares un martes o jueves de 19.00 a 20.00 horas, hora del Reino Unido, aunque pronto me tomaré un breve descanso para ponerme al día con familiares y viejos amigos, por lo que no seré facilitador el día 24. y 31 de agosto o 2 de septiembre. Estoy aquí el jueves 26 y luego regreso el 7 de septiembre. Sería genial comunicarme en tiempo real, es privado y seguro. Terciopelo

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