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Hi CB
The forum is so quiet but I have looked at your post every day and rejoiced in your words – “Putting myself first and learning to care and love me is my priority.”
It takes time to figure out all the stuff that has held us back but every lightbulb moment is a moment to savour.
I found that keeping a strictly private journal helped me. I used to bash away on my computer every night, committing every angry, sad, destructive, guilty, confused, memory to paper. I kept the pages in a file knowing that it must never be read by anybody else but me. My grammar was appalling (as was my language); the colours changed; there were typos galore; lower case/upper case, nothing mattered apart from getting every horrible detail out of my weary mind. . As each crazy thought poured out of me, I felt relief. I no longer had to keep that particular memory swirling around in my head, clogging my brain, keeping me awake and holding me back – if I wanted to chew it over a million times again, it was there in black and white (or multi-hued) but I never felt the need.
As ‘my’ recovery progressed, I gradually destroyed the pages, burning them one by one, while saying things like ‘I am free of you, you will not hurt me again’. When the last page was gone, I knew that I would never allow the addiction to gamble to hurt my life ever again. Not only that but my thinking on other things that had given me pain and confusion became clearer and I vowed to rid myself of those things too. My self-confidence returned and was stronger than it had ever been, as was my self-esteem.
I only mentioned my concern about co-dependency because I went down that road and it was a dead-end for me, it didn’t take me forward. Your counsellor has the advantage of knowing you better in this regard and that is great.
I hope you will keep posting because I can hear how well you are doing and I want to hear more.
As Ever
Velvet
Hi CB
Was it really obsession with him, or were you not just trying to be a good wife, even when he wasn’t behaving well?
Worrying can certainly take over your your life but being able to look back and realise that none of the worrying made any difference, I think, helps to put it all into context.
I am wary of the term ‘co-dependent’. I think it is maybe something we feel we must have been when a loved one’s addiction has seemingly controlled ‘our’ lives. Hopefully, as you re-take control of your own life, will come understanding that it was his addiction seeking to control you and you are, in fact, not just ok but managing really brilliantly.
It is my belief that the longer you are apart from ‘gambling’ the less worry you feel for the gambler. You have recognised that it is down to him to control his life and that is a massive step forward.
I think you have every right to be proud of the improvement you see in yourself, although I suspect you were always good, you just lost your way in the fog.
So, to the future. Well if you continue as you are doing now I think you will eventually be in a better place than you have ever been. I believe that such a terrible experience has to be turned into something good or we have wasted years of our lives – and that thought must never be in contention..
Your parents have not been the most supportive although I suspect that, in their own way, they have done the best they could. Maybe seeing you emerge with renewed self-confidence and self-esteem, (which I am sure you will) will help them to appreciate you, as you deserve to be, I hope so.
Speak soon
Velvet
Hi Hema
I have also known the sadness of being driven crazy by gambling and I was also told the importance of looking after myself. It never seemed an adequate solution and of course it isn’t in itself. How could it stop my loved one gambling? Well of course, it didn’t – but what it did do was help me to cope and gave me the strength to make good decisions that were right for me and ultimately right for him.
Gambling has been around for ever and will always be – there will always be people who recognize the vulnerability of addicted gamblers and who use it for their own ends.
Many people enjoy gambling and it doesn’t harm them or their loved ones; they do it responsibly and can walk away equally from wins and losses. Sadly, for some, this is not the case. Your husband will not want to be a compulsive gambler, no man would ever choose to be. It is not his fault or yours that he has this problem. He would probably love nothing more than to enjoy a gamble and then walk away and think no more about it.
You and I will change nothing in the great scheme of things but what we can do is not let gambling destroy us. If we allow it to pull us down then it has won and that is not something I am prepared to let happen and I hope you will feel the same.
You can make a difference by being strong, gaining knowledge of his addiction and coping. Nobody can tell you it will be easy but it is easier when are in control of your own life. If you give your husbands addiction control of your life then you cannot save yourself or your children.
Ask him to help you support him; ask him what he wants you to do when you are looking after the finances and he demands money. Help him to realise that you need support too.
Please keep posting and maybe drop into an F&F group so we can ‘talk’ in real time.
Velvet
Hi CB
It certainly isn’t easy focussing on yourself when you have been giving another person all your attention. It is true of most of us who love someone with a gambling problem; gambling can be the first thought in the morning and the last thought at night even when we don’t actually own the problem. Over the years I have heard, time and time again, how difficult it is for members to say ‘no’ – I believe the word to describe us (I include myself in this) is people pleasers.
There is no need to become hard but a little hardening up can be good for us. I have a quote beside me that says ‘one day hopefully you may come to realise that this miserable experience might be the greatest education of your life’. I suspect you are educating your parents without realise it. In my opinion, If we all learn from the ghastly situations we found ourselves in then we will have kicked the addiction in the teeth and that pleases me.
So keep going with those baby steps and know that they are taking you onward and upward. Re-finding ourselves can be exciting, it’s a gradual long walk back, it can be exhausting and sometimes a bit scary but ultimately it is a walk back to life. I got there and I’m sure you will too.
Please keep posting
Velvet
Hi Hema
You write that he ‘gave you control of his finances’ but in actuality he did not, you are merely holding his money until he demands it.
With regards to your jewellery or anything else that is precious to you, I suggest you keep it somewhere that he has no knowledge about. I think you are saying that he has stolen your gold jewellery from you and if he has, then I suspect he could do it again.
If he is willing to talk about changing his life then ask him to go back to Gamstop and inform them that he successfully used a cash machine. Your husband needs to take responsibility for his actions if he is interested in being gamble-free.
Remind him to renew Gamban on his phone and remind him of why he did it in the first place. Let him know that you are suggesting these things because he said he wanted support and you are trying to give it.
Maybe you could ask him what he wants you to do to support him. It is easy to slip into pleading and arguing about a gambling addiction but it doesn’t solve anything. Perhaps you could tell him that you want to support him but you can’t unless he helps you understand.
Please make sure that every day you do things that please you. It might not seem a lot but spending 24 hours a day worrying about a loved one’s gambling is soul destroying and helps no-one, least of all yourself and your children. Your husband will not stop gambling because you are worrying, it will merely wear you out and achieve nothing.
There is no such thing a crystal ball Hema but please do not give up hope. I will walk with you for as long as you want me to. I do know that your husband can learn to control his addiction or I wouldn’t be writing to you, although, sadly he has to want to do so.
I have brought my thread entitled The F&F Cycle up to the top for you, maybe it will help.
Please keep posting and maybe we can find the words or whatever it takes to help you cope.
Velvet
Hi Hema
Please tell me more about yourself and your husband.
Do you have children?
Are you in debt?
Is your husband moody or aggressive?
Does he know he has a problem?
Does he tell lies?
Do you have family and/or friends to support you?
How old is he?
It makes it easier to support you if I have a clearer picture of your situation.
There is nothing you can do to make him stop but there are ways to cope with someone who has an addiction.
The more I know, the better I can support you.
Speak soon
Velvet
Hi Gigi
Like G Rec I recommend Charles and the New members group and I also commend you on writing this post.
I’m not going to pretend that it is going to be easy for you but you have had a taste of feeling free which hopefully will stick in your mind.
I cannot tell you that if you do (a) (b) or (c) that your urges to gamble will disappear but I can and will support you by following your progress.
I am the parent of a child who is a compulsive gambler. He took control of his life 15 years ago and now lives a happy, healthy, gamble-free life. As a parent, all I wanted was his happiness but I was totally unaware of the problem that prevented him from being so. I cannot claim perfection as a parent but I know, now, that I did do all the wrong things for all the right reasons. I unwittingly enabled just as your parents are doing – they don’t ‘know’ so they smile and give you money – anything to support you and make you happy because they love you. With knowledge, however painful, it would hopefully help them to do the right things for you for all the right reasons.
I would be surprised if they didn’t already know that something is wrong, they just don’t know what.
I know all about the ‘difficult’ conversation – I didn’t have it for 23 years but when it eventually came, I was able to seek support for myself, learn to understand and thus stop enabling. It was tough, it was the most painful thing I have ever dealt with but at last I ‘knew’ and could make good and informed decisions for myself and also for him. He has since told me, that as long as I enabled, he had no desire/need/reason to stop gambling.
I hope you will keep posting and not just when you are feeling bad about yourself.
Velvet
Hi Hema
Well done writing your first post, I know how difficult it is especially when you are exhausted.
I am hoping you will post again and tell me a little more about yourself and your situation with your husband. Sharing with someone who understands can be rewarding – I know because it happened to me and nothing you say will surprise me.
Nobody can ‘make’ a gambler stop gambling and sometimes a gambler has to hurt himself enough before he will face his demons and change his life but true recoveries do start or I would not be writing to you now.
You matter Hema, you are unique and special but sadly you are also exhausted. You need to recover and I know you can do it.
It would be great if you were to join me in the Friends and Family group where we can communicate in real time, it is private and safe. Nothing said in the group appears in the forum. The group times are 7pm to 8pm on Tuesdays and 10pm -11pm on Thursday, I would love to welcome you.
Please keep posting and sharing and hopefully between the two of us you can find some answers and peace of mind.
Velvet
Hi Thomas
I was smiling from ear to ear when I read you have been gamble-free for 5 years. Whatever happens, that 5 years is the most important thing for you to protect, so regardless of what you decide to do, please look after yourself first. It isn’t selfish to put yourself first – if you are pulled down with the problems of others then you will not be able to help anybody.
I cannot tell you what to do but I do know that being unaware of a loved one’s gambling and possible addiction is bad for both parties.
You haven’t replied to the question about the possibility of sharing your concern with your wife and it might be that this is a step too far for you. I know that many people want to leave the subject of gambling far behind them, when they have moved on and raising the subject can be just too difficult.
If your friend is showing recognisable signs that he is still gambling then, in my opinion, it would be better if your sister-in-law was aware so that she can protect herself and make her own decision about continuing the relationship. If she decides not to continue then that will not be your problem. If your friend is making poor choices with his behaviour but your sister-in-law is unaware, then she cannot make a choice.
You write that your sister-in-law’s family were good to you, so I assume they have a greater understanding than most people of the problem you face. Is there anybody there you could trust and discuss your concern with?
It is a fact that the messenger can get shot but you, more than most, will appreciate that staying silent is probably not an option. Family and friends often talk about walking on eggshells but sadly an active compulsive gambler uses this inability to speak out as a green light to carry on indulging their addiction.
I know the problem you face. I lost count of the times I was told ‘I don’t gamble anymore’ resulting in fear of raising the subject again. However, one day when I took the bull by the horns again, it changed our lives – I have no idea why it was that day and that time. True recoveries do start, as you and I know.
It is a well-known expression here that ‘you cannot kid a kidder’. Nobody understands a gambler better than another gambler and in my view, nobody can support a gambler as well as a gambler who has faced his demons and changed his life.
Maybe you could tell your friend what you have written here – that you value your friendship but you are concerned because you have stood in his shoes and you know the signs. Maybe you could point your friend to the varied support that is available for gamblers. Would he talk to our helpline here which is one-to-one and anonymous or join our gambler group where Charles the facilitator will understand your friend and be a tremendous support to him? If he is not, as he says, gambling then he has nothing to lose but maybe it could open a discussion
I repeat what I said at the beginning, however, look after yourself first and take the greatest care of your precious gamble-free life.
Please keep posting
Velvet
Hello Hema
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Groups Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend ?
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place ?
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello
39 is a great age to re-valuate your life, to look at what has gone before but recognise there is a lot more ahead that is worth fighting for.
However much you think that you love gambling, it is a fact that gambling does not love you and never will; she is a demanding mistress who offers quick gratification in return for misery and devastating feelings of failure.
Nobody know when a true recovery starts not the gambler, not those who love them and not those who offer professional support – but – and it is a big but – true recoveries do start and they are amazing. I am lucky enough to have seen true recoveries and heard the joy in the lives of those who have embraced them. I want to hear that joy in your life.
You have written about enough wreckage in your life so far and yet here you are willing and able to try again. It is worth the battle, the rewards are massive.
I will follow your thread and look forward to hearing your progress – just one day at a time.
VelvetHello Craig and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ?
Take care
The Gambling Therapy TeamPS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Lizbeth
It is wonderful to read your posts these days and to hear that you feel good about yourself. I look forward to hearing details of your great exploration trip which will be well deserved.
Sometimes it is hard to see the positives – but you are seeing them and it fills me with happiness to hear it
Well done
Velvet