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Hi Nevertoolate
Well done changing your life and making it better for your mum and all who love you – but especially for yourself.
It isn’t always easy to be the person we want to be and facing the addiction to gamble will always be hard. From all I have ever seen and heard, though, the person that retakes control of his life is head and shoulders above those who have never faced adversity.
Enjoy being the man you have become, the man you surely wanted to be
Velvet
Hi Maverick
So good to see you post to others but please, please give us an update on you.
As Ever
Velvet
Hi DE
Charles is right, loved ones cannot support unless they know what the problem is – but it is easier for them when you are seeking help and trying to change.
Loved ones often feel
Guilt because they hadn’t noticed there was a problem;
Failure because they assume that it is possibly their fault.
Confusion about what to do now they have the knowledge but do not understand what it means, or what to do next.
Knowledge gives us all power over matters that confuse us.
Hearing a loved one has a gambling problem can often results in very harsh words being said, due to natural ignorance.
It is what happens next that matters.
It took me months to adjust to the information that my son was a compulsive gambler and I doubt I handled it well at all at the beginning. I went to Gam-Anon which is the sister group of Gamblers Anonymous. I educated myself at the beginning and went on to further education to help myself and ultimately my son. However, it was my son who helped me to understand more than anybody else what a gambling addiction really means and you have that insight, help them as gently as you can – you will need patience.
I facilitate the Friends and Family groups here and I would be delighted to welcome anybody you felt would benefit from understanding that support means everything to a gambler who wants to change his/her life.
If you choose to tell friends first, I think it is important that you tell them that you are already seeking and getting help but you would like their support but not opinions. Sadly, opinions can often be ignorant and unhelpful even if they are understandable
Keep posting. My son changed his life 15 years ago and lives a wonderful, gamble-free life. I had to learn that he had to learn to trust me. Loved ones don’t always get it right but unless we are told there is nothing we can do.
I wish you well
Velvet
Hi Benjamin
You have made the first move towards a better future by coming here. I hope you will join Charles, as suggested, he will understand exactly where you are coming from.
Unless loved ones know why you are depressed and the extent of the damage that has landed unexpectedly in their lives they cannot begin to understand or support in the right way. I know that you neither asked for, nor wanted, an addiction to gamble but I am fairly sure that your wife will struggle to understand. Families usually do know that something is wrong but they just don’t know what – it is generally very unsettling. Many wives believe their husbands have met somebody else and that they are no longer loved. Owning the addiction to gamble is, indeed, like having a demanding mistress.
I cannot tell you what to do; you need to make your own decisions but hopefully you will get the knowledge on his site to make the right decisions for both you and your wife. I facilitate the Friends and Family groups and I would be delighted to welcome your wife on a Tuesday or Thursday evening where we can communicate in real time and where her worries and fears will be understood.
We also have a Friends and Family where she is welcome to write her concerns, anonymously. If she should chose to do this, I think it is best that you do not read her thread but allow her to work her way through ‘her’ problems because she will need to recover too. I will always answer her.
I wish you well and I am glad that you have had the courage to write your first post,
Whatever you decide to do please keep posting
Velvet
Hi TTC
Keep posting and use your thread as a journal to see your progress.
There is no overnight fix, it takes a lot of determination and patience to control gambling when it gets out of hand but you can receive the tools here.
Just knowing that you will not win is sadly not enough when complacency plonks itself on your shoulder so keep talking – you can live happily gamble-free, I know, or I wouldn’t be here.
Join Charles in his Problem Gambler Peer Support Groups or the New members Practical Advice Groups, you will be very welcome and understood.
I wish you well and I will look for your future posts as you progress
Velvet
Hi DE
In answer to your question, definitely the front – you know what lies behind you.
Use what is behind you as reference only, a stimulus to drive you on – there is no need to return to it.
Willing you on to happier days with light all around you because I know you can do it.
Velvet
Dear Romana
It has been too long since I talked to you and I apologise. I always hope to see you reappear in a group so we could really open our hearts to each other.
I cannot see how you could ever have got used to his silence and black looks, they were hurting you too much and you should be free of pain and the fear of his moods.
You are special Romana, you have shown courage when so many others, understandably, feel they cannot go on. Setting free, someone we love, does seem contrary; it isn’t what anybody would would expect to have to do when love enters their life but the addiction to gamble can and does become too much for many.
There is no shame in walking away Romana and you should feel no guilt; you did all you could but he didn’t want to be free of his addiction enough to face it and take control. Hopefully your brave stand will help him in the future when he wakes up to how much he is hurting himself and there is nobody else to blame.
It would be great to hear from you again although I know it has been a while. I am still there every Tuesday and Thursday.
As Ever
Velvet
Dear Jvr
I sincerely hope you will soon feel better; I’m so pleased you have an ex and friends to look after you.
Keep your mind filled with all the good things that you have been writing about.
Don’t waste your energy on being angry because it will only wear you out.
Keep posting, you have many people here who are willing you on and want to hear you enjoying a speedy, successful recovery.
As Kin said earlier, your posts show a strong, mature and very brave lady who deserves to have a happy life.
I wish you well
Velvet
Hi Wewinwhen
When your addiction means that you cannot win if you gamble then there is no sugar coating that will make that fact any better. If you believe that a win from gambling is going to end your problems then that is not going to happen either.
No amount of sugar coating will make a gamble-free life easy at the beginning. Know your enemy, know that the devil called complacency will be waiting for you but have the knowledge, courage and determination to know you can beat him. You have the knowledge and support here.
I am writing to you because I have had the overwhelming joy of seeing someone close to me learn to control his addiction and live a wonderful life as a result. I have also had the pleasure of meeting and hearing many more who have travelled the road you are on and found fantastic gamble-free futures.
I know you can win, not with gambling but just by being the man you want to be.
Keep posting, you are being heard
Velvet
Hi Cruising
I’m hoping that today is a good day for you and I’m hoping you post again soon.
Don’t seek to remove the last 10 years of your life but use the bitter experience as a reference to make the next 10 years better. Learning to control a gambling addiction can give you strength to do so much more than you have ever done before, it can help you understand so much more, you can be the person you want to be.
Your husband’s smug comments at a GA meeting say more about him than they say about you. You are trying to be a better person but he is unable to empathise with you – that to me shows courage on your part and ignorance on his. He sounds like he still has a lot to learn; maybe you could be the one to teach him empathy as your gamble-free life grows!
The world would be a dull place if we were all the same. I don’t think you should have to explain why you prefer to be solitary, anymore than I should have to explain why being truly alone would frighten me. I don’t think you sound crazy, you sound like a lovely person.
Understanding each other takes time but you are doing a great job learning to understand what makes ‘you’ tick. Controlling your addiction will help you to like yourself so be selfish and go for it.
I do care, I want you to succeed and what’s more, I know you can.
As Ever
Velvet
Hi Daniarchie
I suspect that you are right that your husband is finding fault with you for a reason. It is quite common, however, for a gambler to try and put the blame for his own poor behaviour on the person who loves him most, thereby off-loading responsibility. In other words (and I think you have already understood this), if it’s your fault, then it isn’t his and he doesn’t have to do anything about it. If your husband accepts responsibility for his actions then he will be admitting he is out of control and he isn’t ready to believe that – at the moment.
It is easy to misread a gambler. Many people have thought their spouse has a mistress. The anger and intolerable behaviour that you describe is likely to be as a result of his gambling and thinking of him leaving you, or you leaving him, is not helpful to either of you.
It is hard to talk calmly when there is an addiction in the room with you. Many people liken it to having a beast in the corner of the room, constantly listening and looking for an excuse to roar. Maybe if you could imagine such a beast, it will help you find the right words to keep the beast quiet whilst saying how you feel.
Your husband’s moods are also a consequence of his addiction. When he has money and is ready to gamble, he might be calm, happy, excited even, willing to talk and co-operative but when he has gambled and inevitably lost (because that is the nature of the addiction beast), then he will be depressed, angry and unable to think logically or reasonably.
Your husband did not chose to have an addiction, there is probably nothing he would like more than to gamble without all the accompanying moods and failures.
He can change Daniarche, he can learn to control his addiction and live without it ruining his life. He can be the man he wants to be, the man you married. He has to want to do it and it takes courage and determination but I am only here, writing you because I ‘know’ he can do it.
It is often said on this site, whether it is gamblers or loved ones, that when everything has been tried and nothing has worked – it is time to try something else. Telling him that his so-called bookie ‘friend’ is no good will not help; he believes this bookie will make his world turn right again. I am hoping you can gently point him towards the support that will help him to understand what the bookie is really doing to him and why. We have a fantastic gambler group, facilitated by Charles, who will understand your husband in a way that you and I cannot. Charles has lived in control of his addiction for many, many years and he gives his time to supporting others who are struggling to make sense of what has happened to them.
Maybe, when your husband is calm and receptive you could tell him that you have sought help for yourself because you want to understand. Maybe you could ask him to pop into one of Charles’ groups where he will be welcomed and understood. Nothing you have told me has not been heard before but your husband cannot know that, he probably believes that nobody can understand him – apart from the ghastly bookie.
There is a Friends and Family group tomorrow evening, Thursday, between 19.00 – 20.00 hours UK time. It is safe, it is private and we could communicate in real time which if often the best way.
Velvet
Hi Daniarchie Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Groups Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend ?
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place ?
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Girlfriend
The simple answer to the title of your thread is ‘yes he can change’. The harsh reality is that controlling the addiction to gamble takes courage and determination without any fast relief, there is no magic pill. I will hopefully help you to gain knowledge and to cope with your boyfriend’s problem, while he learns to control it.
This site and others like it, dedicated counsellors and (GA) gamblers anonymous, exist because the likelihood of compulsive gamblers quitting without the right support is almost non-existent. Many feel they can do it alone but I have yet to hear of one being successful. Abstinence alone is not enough.
Please don’t blame yourself that you didn’t see the signs – it is an addiction that thrives on secrecy and your boyfriend would not have wanted you to know. This isn’t necessarily deliberate on his part. Your boyfriend didn’t ask for or want this addiction but sadly, he has it and his poor behaviour shows how little he understands of it.
You would be unwise to believe his words when he says that ‘he won’t do it again because he knows he will lose me?’ At the time he said these words, he would have believed them, it is probably true that he would be distraught at the thought of losing you but when an addiction is triggered logic and good intentions fly out of window.
Encourage him to seek good support without forcing him – you cannot save him but he can save himself.
There is a Friends and Family group tonight and I hope you will join me so that we can communicate in real time. It is between 19.00-20.00 hours UK time (7pm-8pm). It is private and safe.
Velvet
Hi Evelyn
I look forward to the day when you look back at these early posts and say to yourself – ‘haven’t I come a long way?’ because I know you will.
Learning about the addiction to gamble will give you power over it. It is important to remember that you do not own the addiction – ‘you’ can control ‘your’ life.
Your partner is not doing this to you on purpose, the addiction to gamble is all-consuming and needs feeding. When you partner is triggered, he will probably say or do anything to make you enable him because he knows how to push your buttons. It is those buttons I hope to help you stop being pushed.
The addiction to gamble is not about money, your partner gambles because ‘the gamble’ excites him, he cannot and will not win because he is an addict.
As long as you enable your partner, he has no need to try and take control of himself. It will take courage and determination to control his addiction and your partner will benefit from you having the courage and determination to support him but if you feel you cannot go on, then nobody on this site would blame you.
I hope it helps to know that I enabled for too many years, I did all the wrong things for all the right reasons – it wasn’t until I stopped enabling that the gambler in my life turned his life around – finally I stopped the madness.
The addiction to gamble wants secrecy to gain enablement. Do the people you are borrowing from know that your partner has an addiction to gamble.
Perhaps you could tell your partner that you are seeking help for yourself because his addiction is affecting your health.
There is nothing for you, or him, to be ashamed about; the addiction to gamble is not something that anybody would choose to own. You do not deserve to have this affecting your life and nor does you partner. There is support for him here. On this site he will be understood and welcomed.
If you are worried that he will recognise you from your posts then speak to our Helpline and they will help you.
I agree that you have invested too much of you in your partner’s problems and I will walk with you for as long as you want me to do so. If he couldn’t change his life, I wouldn’t be writing you but I know that he can. I’m bringing my thread ‘the F&F Cycle’ up for you, maybe it will help.
More importantly for ‘you’, I know you can stop enabling once you accept that giving him money only feeds his addiction which will grow and grow.
Please keep posting. I will leave you, for now, with one of my favourite quotes from Mahatma Gandi ‘you may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing there will be no results’
My thoughts are with you
Velvet