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Hi Craig
It is a shame that you didn’t connect with the leader of the virtual meeting you attended but there isn’t a ‘one-way fits all’ for learning how to control your gambling. I am really pleased it has not dampened your enthusiasm to succeed.
I facilitate the Friends and Family groups on this site so I apologise that I am not the person you are hoping to connect to but I read your post and I thought I would try and point you towards someone who would not only be willing to support you but who has stood in your shoes and who can offer you the most amazing help.
Charles facilitates the gambler groups on this site and I have seen over many years how much he is appreciated. He will understand you and walk with you as you seek to find the man you want to be, the man I know you can be.
Our helpline is here for you too, one to one and anonymous. They can direct you to the groups that Charles facilitates and they can also support you.
Keep posting. I, for one, will keep listening.
Velvet
Hi Lizbeth
It has been a long journey but your fight to succeed has been rewarded and I couldn’t be more pleased for you. It is truly wonderful to hear that your life is busy and fulfilling.
As Ever
Velvet
Hi Lizbeth
It has been a long journey but your fight to succeed has been rewarded and I couldn’t be more pleased for you. It is truly wonderful to hear that your life is busy and fulfilling.
As Ever
Velvet
Hi K
I do wonder whether I would have handled things differently if I had, had knowledge of the addiction to gamble. I believe that it is easier for it to get out of hand if loved ones are unaware. I don’t dwell in the past but if I had been aware then I would have done things differently and perhaps ended the ghastliness earlier. It’s why I keep going here – if I can stop anybody making my mistakes it’s worth it.
Having facilitated here for many years and having ‘met’ hundreds of family members who are bewildered, angry and frightened I know that it is possible to get things right. F&F do not tend to return to this forum once they are out of the shadow of addiction but I do believe that there has been more success than failure, simply by learning what the addiction means to the gambler and how to support the right way. You have the advantage on both these counts.
However, it is important to use knowledge wisely. It takes time for an addiction to really take hold and it takes time for it to be controlled – so patience (buckets of it) is required. It may be a well-hacked expression but ‘taking one day at a time’ is the best way forward for all of us.
I would imagine that your son will struggle to believe that you, even with your wealth of knowledge, can understand him. In my opinion he will believe that his problem is unique to him so how can you understand? Maybe I’m wrong but ………………
He sounds as though he is prepared to tackle his problem in a mature way which is great – there might be slips along the way but you know yourself, that even a slip can make a gambler more determined to succeed.
I hope that Dames is standing shoulder to shoulder with you over this – it makes such a difference when there is a united front.
Anyway, I will stop rabbiting and send this – I look forward to hearing from you.
10 years gamble-free – fantastic, I knew you could do it.
As Ever
V
Wow K
The ‘wow’ bit came when I saw your name in F&F – I am so pleased you knew you would get support here.
I have never heard any good evidence that the addiction to gamble is hereditary but even if it is, you are not to blame, so shove guilt out of the door as quickly as possible. I know that I have, not-too-distant, ancestors who gambled out of control but I have never felt the need to see (or worry about) this addiction as hereditary.
Your son could not be in better hands than with you; not only did you use My Journal for your own support but you also hopped on this forum and gave excellent advice to so many for which I was thankful many, many times.
Your son’s lack of interests and friends probably left him feeling bored – as you know, gambling can appear a good escape from reality. You cannot produce friends for him but what else has he done in his life that he did enjoy?
Ask him to help you understand rather than telling him that you do. This opened doors for me because I was saying that I no longer had any have any preconceived ideas about what was right for him. I wasted too many years telling him what ‘I’ thought he needed to do, until he explained to me that my needs were not his needs.
What can I say to someone who has so much information at her finger-tips? Knowledge of the addiction to gamble is to have power over it and you have that knowledge. Let the mumma bear work her magic but direct him to all the other people who are ready and willing to support him – sometimes mumma bears can be over-the-top but I know you will be there to hug him when he is ready.
I think one of the big differences for you, is the realisation that he has to learn to trust you and for you to understand that it isn’t easy for him to do so. In my opinion, mother’s expect their sons to know they can trust them but this is not the case when this addiction rears its ugly head. Mothers feel they should have all the answers and of course, they haven’t.
I hope our time difference doesn’t mean that you are unable to join me in an F&F group. If it isn’t possible, I will keep looking for you on here and as you know, I will answer all your queries with honesty. There is no point in pussy-footing around and I know you know that too.
This is not the way I wanted to become reacquainted but as a mumma bear who did everything wrong, for all the right reasons, until she gained knowledge, I hope I can support you and see you son take control and live a wonderful life.
I’m not sure that ‘welcome back’ is the right expression to use but I know you will know what I mean.
As Ever
Velvet
Hi Lowlow
I understand why you felt you needed a break and I hope you are feeling better for it.
What is your partner doing to learn to control his addiction? On this site we offer fantastic help for those who want to be gamble-free. Charles is an amazing facilitator for gambler-only groups where your partner can feel safe and understood. We also have a Helpline for him and for you. There are GA (gamblers anonymous) meetings where again he will receive understanding. I believe in a gambler taking all the support he can get – not every path to recovery will suit everybody but I know that all the supports I have mentioned offer great success stories.
It must be very hard for your son; he cannot be expected to understand his father’s problem when his father will not be understanding it himself. Are your sons seeing their father?
With treatment, your partner can begin to understand the severity of what his addiction has done to his family but following successful treatment, there shouldn’t be any need to dwell on what has gone before. The past can be used as a reference only, with guilt and blame left at the door. Your partner is not and has not, deliberately hurt you or his children. His reality has been changed by an addiction that he neither asked for nor wanted.
Maybe your partner could look at Gordon Moody (GMA) – there is information about it lower down the forum page. I know from experience how successful GMA is in turning the lives around for so many gamblers. If you, or he, wants any further information about it, please ask our Helpline or pop into one of my Friends and Family groups where you will be most welcome. They are safe and we communicate in real time.
Keep posting, you are being heard and understood
Velvet
Hi Sandied
Your sister undoubtedly deserves support but if your nephew does have a gambling addiction then he will also need a great deal of the right support.
In my opinion, most mothers know when their sons have a problem; they may not know what the problem is but they know that something is amiss. Not knowing, can cause a great deal of unnecessary stress leading to health problems and i speak from experience.
A gambling addiction is an unwanted, unasked for, self-destructive behaviour that needs treatment. It can start with a boy innocently placing bets, for fun, and although most people can gamble responsibly, a person with the addiction to gamble cannot. If your nephew has this problem then he needs all the support he can get and that, in my opinion, includes his mother.
I am the mother of a compulsive gambler. When I eventually knew the truth about what was hurting my son I was able to stop doing ‘all the wrong things for all the right reasons’ thus supporting him when he had the courage and determination to change his life 16 years ago. It is not your nephew’s fault if he has this addiction and it is not your sister’s fault.
Knowledge gives us power. The addiction to gamble likes secrecy because it hides the gambler’s shame and guilt and leaves it free to carry on. I would imagine that your nephew would give anything to be like other people.
Once a mother knows the truth, she can learn to stop blaming herself for the poor behaviour, in her child. I would happily support your sister on this site. Over the years countless friends and families have left this forum and groups better for having been here; they have gained knowledge and learned to accept that their loved one did nor choose to gamble, did not deliberately set out to hurt them.
There is a lot of history outlined in your post that is common in many young men who turned to gambling as an escape from reality. Sadly, it is possible that your nephew cannot walk away from a gamble until everything is lost; this is the nature of the addiction. He can however, learn to control his addiction and live a wonderful life, possibly better for owning it.
I will leave this reply here as the F&F group starts now and I am hoping that you will drop in.
Velvet
Hi Sanied
If your nephew is a compulsive gambler, then that will undoubtedly have caused his depression and it is the gambling that needs to be addressed. If this is correct then, in my opinion, he would probably get better support from a dedicated gambling addiction counsellor or therapist.
Your post does make sense but it has thrown up a lot of different problems and I would like time to give you a full answer. I will, therefore, post again tomorrow and hopefully communicate with you in real time tomorrow evening in an F&F group between 7 – 8 pm.
Velvet
Hello Sandied
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Groups Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend ?
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place ?
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Sanied
If your nephew is a compulsive gambler, then that will undoubtedly have caused his depression and it is the gambling that needs to be addressed. If this is correct then, in my opinion, he would probably get better support from a dedicated gambling addiction counsellor or therapist.
Your post does make sense but it has thrown up a lot of different problems and I would like time to give you a full answer. I will, therefore, post again tomorrow and hopefully communicate with you in real time tomorrow evening in an F&F group between 7 – 8 pm.
Velvet
Hi Lowlow
Well done writing what must have been a very difficult first post.
Your partner will not want to be the man he has become, he will be ashamed and frightened but there is help for him if he is willing to change his life. It isn’t easy but I know it is possible or I would not be writing to you now.
I hope that given time you will allow me to try and help you to turn your life back up the right way. You do not have the addiction to gamble and therefore you can recover from this – however black things seem at the moment.
It doesn’t surprise me that even after confessing, your partner continued gambling – it is the only way he thinks he can get out of the mess he has got himself into – that is the nature of his addiction.
Your partner will not know which way to turn at the moment so I suggest that when you speak to him, perhaps you might mention that you have sought support for yourself and been told that there is help for him. He will need determination and courage but he can do it. I will understand whatever you decide to do, I know how difficult it is not to shout, scream and threaten but it will not do any good, it will only wear you out and he will be unable to comprehend your meaning.
There is lots more that I want to say to you but it is late so I hope you will keep watching the forum – I will write a full reply to you asap.
If you read this tonight, I hope you will sleep a little better knowing that you have shared with someone who really understands and cares.
Velvet
Welcome Lowlowlow
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page
Read about the friends and Family Groups Online Groups
Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend ?
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place ?
We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums
Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!
Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.
As well as the forums New Members are invited to join Charles in the New Members Practical Advice Group On Mondays at 21:00 (UK) and Thursday at 19:00(UK)
And on that note….
I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you ?
Take care
The Gambling Therapy TeamPS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Hi Again Autumn
When is your partner going to the Gordon Moody programme?
Maybe you could join me on either Tuesday or Thursday evening between 7pm and 8pm where we can communicate safely and with no holds barred!
Your partner admission that he needs help is a giant step forward; going on the programme is, in my opinion, the best thing he can do.
It is hard not being able to communicate so it is important that you keep the knowledge that he is in the right place, where he is understood, firmly at the forefront of your mind.
My loved one went through the Gordon Moody programme 16 years ago and it changed his life. It takes courage and determination but with the right tools your partner can live a wonderful gamble-free life, possibly better for having had the strength to face his addiction. Gordon Moody will give him those tools. It is my happy experience that the compulsive gamblers, that I have met and talked to, who have learned to control their addiction, are very special.
I used to call Gordon Moody once a week to make sure that my loved one ‘was still there’ and that he was ok. You can do this too. Facing his addiction is really hard and he needs to be selfish to do it – the time he is on the programme has to be all about him. You might feel left out by this which is why I hope you will keep posting and pop into the group for a good heart to heart.
Keep encouraging your partner – he is on the right road. Please wish him well for me. If he has any questions, he can call our Helpline which is great or maybe join out gambler-only group where he will be welcomed by Charles who will understand your partner and offer good support.
Velvet
Hello Hello Autumn
Welcome to the Friends and Family forum.You are not being selfish, I understand your feelings but your partner is doing the right thing for himself and ultimately for both of you.
I understand why your partner is nervous about going into the Gordon Moody programme and it possibly won’t be enough for him to hear that I know he will be ok – but he will be and so will you.
I will write further to you tomorrow – it is late now.
Anything you want to know – just ask and I will answer.
Velvet