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Hi Kathryn
When my twin daughters first went to school first I cried.
When my baby, my son, first went to school I cried.
I cried when they did the nativity in the church (2 angels and a 1 shepherd!)
I cried when they passed exams
I cried when they didn’t.
I cried when they carried the scout and guide flags (2 guide 1 scout)
I cried when they went to camps
I cried when they got married
I cried when one of my daughters had children
I cried when I was told that one of my daughters could not have children.
I cried when my son went into rehab
I cried when he came out whole
For all the tears though there have been more laughs and lots of the tears were tears of pride and happiness. It’s right and it’s good.
The term rollercoaster is used a lot when it comes to addiction but life is a roller coaster even without addiction – just a gentler ride – I hope you will realise that for all the downs there are going to be a load more ups from now on. You are doing ‘normal’ and you are doing it with aplomb (I used that word to get a job once so I know it’s good!)
I am delighted that neither you nor Meg used my name in relation to oldies, new moon or madness. I looked at it for ages – it looked so big. Apparently it is always the same size but not from my garden!! It was beautiful.
I am looking at your diet and thinking maybe I could follow this as long as the occasional egg is thrown in. You didn’t mention cheese though and I’m not sure I can manage without it. I’m afraid my good intentions crumbled with the cold weather. I have decided to make March 1st my next first day because I always feel brighter on March 1st – the bulbs start to flower having broken through the cold earth and my eyes open better in the morning – I have to drag them into the world at the moment.
My ‘dear’ little puppy has been sitting under my desk eating her way through the wire to my external hard drive. Fortunately she is still here and if you read this then I have survived too. She has just told me to write to running Girl and ask her why she should wonder what people thinks when she talks to her dogs – perfectly normal here!!
As always with Love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hiya Kathryn
I have just wheezed across the room to tell you I started my diet on Monday which includes not having a little drink most evenings to round the day off. Apparently there are loads of calories in a little drink – well a little bottle anyway.
So I will be on the scales near you and checking that you are succeeding. You’ve got Jode to help you but I am on my own. My husband says he wants to lose weight but that only ever lasts 24 hours and as that was Monday I am on my own again!
I walk the dogs everyday so I get some exercise and my fingers are probably quite fit from typing on the site. The trouble is the sound of that lovely cappuccino has my mouth watering and it is only 11 in the morning!!
One of the biggest advances in my recovery was saying that I am the mother of a compulsive gambler and not being afraid to say it. It is surprising the responses and interest you can get. The girl who did my nails last night (a new pamper for me) told me that her first husband had been a CG and she wished she had had someone to talk to. Another girl talked to me about her son at a ‘do’ in a friend’s garden last summer. I have no embarrassment or shame for me or my CG. In fact I think ‘stuff ‘em’ if it bothers them. Wise up this illness, it is a fact; it is everywhere and the more people who accept it the better for all of us.
I have to say it is not my opening words – I don’t launch in unless it is appropriate but I feel as free about saying it as I am about saying I hate ironing and actually I say that a whole lot more!!
I like the sound of a life-style change. I don’t get that feeling until March 1st and I feel that the long dark nights are behind me but having my nails done last night was part of my latest life-style change I suppose. It certainly means I cannot go and pull the wall-paper off the rear lobby today or I might mess them up!!!!!!!!
I had forgotten the dress – I don’t suppose that Jode has! When is the wedding?
Sorry I can’t stop long. I love it when you walk over to the F&F side of the room but I don’t suppose you lose much weight as we are all so much closer than we think. I can nip up to the scales and see if I lost anything wheezing over here but I think the coffee in the kitchen is closer.
I’m sure slugs must be good for something – and by the way what is sun????
Loads of Love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
And a Happy New Year to you Kathryn
I’m afraid I had an extremely noisy and champagne fuelled Hogmanay celebration and I’m not sure who is talking to me anymore as I had my mobile phone with me and I shared some of my happiness !!!!!!!!!!!
My son phoned me very early this morning. Apparently he had received one of my calls and as I had woken him in the early hours he was returning the complement. I think he took pleasure in hearing the groans from deep in my pillow.
So now you know – never let me have you telephone number.
I didn’t fall over but I remember being ably assisted in my walk home through the snow.
Anyway after this promising start to the new decade I send you all my good wishes and of course I will be there for you. You have brought me joy and laughter too and I believe we are going to have a whole load more this year.
As Ever with Love
Velvet xx
Hi Larry
You do not have to ask for forgiveness from the F&F branch of this community. I believe that one of the most important lessons we need to learn to move forward is that out loved one has an illness, an illness that is unasked for and unwanted – as much for you as for us.
We vent our anger and frustration because it is important to relieve ourselves because like you we have found a site where we are understood possibly for the first time.
I am indeed sorry that you have lost your loved ones and I am glad that you are able to speak to them. I hear your pain for the death of your brother. I hope you were able to show him that you had committed you life to being gamble-free before he died and that you were friends.
Please don’t beat yourself up unnecessarily. I cannot speak for all but I know that for me the determination for you to live in control of your addiction is a success story that I want to hear. I don’t need to hear what went before – it is enough that you are standing where you are today.
I wish you a Christmas that you will be pleased to remember and a peace in your heart and mind.
Thank you for you good wishes and for popping in the F&F where you will always be welcome.
With Love
Velvet xxx
YUCKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have visitors about to invade any minute when I read that an Australian doesn’t know what mulled wine is.
I am left wondering what is to become of us all.
I will sneak off at some point and write to you but in the meantime I am toooooooooooo shocked to think there is someone with so little knowledge of this scrumtious beverage.
There were 4 of us in front of the fire so I did drink most of it and now I have to lie down from the effects and the shock.
Loads of Love as Ever
Velvet hic xxxxxxxxxxAs it appears that it is mostly men that cook on BBQs why not buy a BBQ grill cleaner and get a man to do the job – much less time consuming and good to watch xx
Hiya Kathryn
It’s been a while since I posted to you and I have just spent the last half hour catching up. I am stuck at the moment. Can’t take the dogs out because our market town is virtually closed – the Light Dragoons (our local troops) are marching through the town having returned from Afghanistan and we are having a fly-past.
There are more important things in the world than washing up but keep whinging because mums are supposed to – just as teenagers are supposed to be awful. The secret is to know that it really isn’t important; she will grow up and be wonderful. The other secret is to stuff yourself with cheesecake – but you already know that. xxx. I remember as a kid there was adult food and children’s food – now I eat what I want, when I want it and the more wicked it is the better – I will even run with scissors if I want to. The plus side of getting older!
I have now returned from watching the parade. It was very moving. The children were climbing on the tanks and getting cuddles from strapping, handsome soldiers. Yes definitely the minus side of getting older.
I must away and dream – I just wanted to say hi and as always – I think you are doing great.
Loads of Love
Velvet xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Kathryn
I have just read about you getting your hair done on Meg’s thread so I popped over to ask ‘what colour?’ (I have 3 colours at the moment). I have now read Meg’s final paragraph to you about chucking serenity out of the window – I might have to return and edit what I have written to her!
I have just re-read that last paragraph and I wish to establish that I know you did not get your hair done ‘on’ Meg’s thread because that would be pushing cyber space too far but I hope you will accept this grammatical error and read on.
Poor Jode – a dilemma indeed! I have never been a bridesmaid. A pause here for you to go ‘ahhhhhhh’………… . The bride always carries the blame for the bridesmaid’s dresses so I am sure that everybody will just see the person that is Jode and not think that she had a choice in the dress. With a big smile she will look great. Cinderella was the most beautiful after all.
I am sure, with you as a friend; she must have a sense of humour. (Why does that sound rude?) Perhaps she could carry a placard saying ‘I am only wearing this for a dare’. Did you say the wedding was on April 1st?
I saw some wedding photos recently where it was difficult to work out which slipped off first – the bride’s dress, her mascara, her shoes or her tiara. I don’t know how she squeezed her medium sized body into a size Zero but she obviously felt the need to escape the restraint as the evening wore on. She was happy though and she made those who were around her smile – who could ask for anything more?
Well the rain has stopped so I will depart and do some chores. ‘tis Monday and as always you have brightened my day. As I do the dreaded ironing I will think of Runninggirl cleaning like a mad woman. Every single item I drag onto the ironing board convinces me that I must be mad – everything will be back soon waiting to be ironed again – where is the sense in that?
Loads of Love to you and the best of British to Jode xx
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
What are spanx pants??????????????????
V xxxxxx
Hi Kathryn
Reading about you looking like a rhino and Bailey waving from the pool reminded me of when I tried to look super cool scuba diving off Queensland. The trouble was that I am mildly asthmatic and hearing my breathing getting strained I panicked – not the wisest thing to do. I knew I shouldn’t put my feet down because of the coral and anyway it would cut me to ribbons, so I waved in distress whilst shouting ‘help’ with a mouthful of sea water (which probably sounded more like glub, glub, splutter). My husband, who was on the shore waved back ‘hi’, turned round and walked away. On the third time down I risked the bloodied feet and knees and I won’t repeat what I said as I crawled ashore!!
Your posts are a joy to read (except the bits where Meg mentions my personal problems at Halloween).
I hope Brea does brilliantly with her exams – I’m sure she will with a mother as terrific as you.
Loads of Love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Kathryn
I have just logged on before I start doing some course-work and there is not much happening in F&F. It would be great to think it was because there was no longer a need!!
I too am avoiding the ironing which, in de-‘pressing’ unity with yours, hangs over me like the sword of Damocles – grrrrr. I hope you got yours done. I am staying out of the room where mine is hanging with nasty creased bits that the iron won’t fit into without making more creases!! I think I know why so many materials are formed from ‘man-made’ fibres – if they were woman-made fibres they would never need ironing!
It is wonderful to read that your thoughts of gambling are decreasing. I know it is vastly different to me but I found with time that I could read the forums and think about the ‘subject’ without ‘my’ experience registering as being about ‘me’. I am under no illusions about the addiction but it is brilliant to read how your mind is now so full of other things that gambling is locked into a recess of your mind that you don’t visit for longer and longer periods. Today you even picked up the post and checked it out without getting to the door at all – terrific.
Take good care of you – you have made Monday a brighter day for me – even with the ironing.
Loads of Love as Ever
Velvet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hiya Dear Kathryn
I have just scrapped tons of words. Your question on my thread has made me do a lot of thinking so I hope my thoughts do not come out too jumbled. xx
I realise you already aware of a lot I am going to write but I need to put things down to get my thoughts into some sort of order.
When my CG left rehab we moved things along gently because we had to build up trust on both sides. I think it was more than that though – I think we were both dealing with our new ‘normal’ – we were handling our thoughts more carefully because these were our ‘new memories’ – the ones we were going to keep.
He became aware during counselling that his memories were possibly inaccurate but the most important thing was that those memories should not weigh so heavily that they prevented him from starting anew. His head had been full of ‘the gamble’ for so long that there was no room for much else. To gamble meant he had to lie. His lies became his truth. To go back and analyse all those years would be impossible and unhelpful so he has accepted that he cannot change that which has gone before – he can only change that which is ‘now’ and is ‘to come’ and ensure that it is good.
He had an obvious memory problem a little while after rehab when he said something he ‘remembered’ from his teens and believed to be 100% true. I watched the dismay and distress on his face as he realised his memory had been a distortion of the truth and I decided from then on to ‘help’ him when I could but never to worry – we were looking forward not back.
We had a photographic session and I introduced him to a lot of his life and it was a good experience.
I want to put all this into perspective though. I am a non-CG who has parts of her life that she doesn’t remember.
I had tremendous memory loss as a result of stress resulting in me having a secret Alzheimer’s test.
I now know that I am not losing my memory (apart from a few senior moments) and I believe it is because I am in control of my life. I have accepted that there are memories I have lost through stress, memories I choose not to remember and memories that I suppose just get lost which I assume is normal.
I know that being relaxed is better for memory recall than worry.
How old were you when you started gambling. On top of what I think is normal forgetfulness you have been struggling with an addiction whose job it was to control your memory. You have stood up to that addiction and removed its control putting ‘you’ in charge. I think your memories from now on will stay with you and you will be able to trust them.
I feel as though this is such a big subject and I want to say so much and yet don’t seem able to put anything into words succinctly enough.
I believe it is better not to worry too much about what you might have forgotten. Don’t delve too deeply or too intensely.
If you feel you might not have dealt with your father’s death then how about talking about it on here, in the groups or to the helpline. I think that being afraid of the loss of the memory will make it more difficult to recall. Don’t be afraid. I’m sure your dad would have wished you to remember him alive.
I adored my dad. He didn’t say much (unlike me) but what he did say made sense. I do remember his death and his funeral but I was older than 16. I know, however, my dad would not want me remembering the sad bits and I have happy photos in my home to remind me of his life.
‘Your’ life is not ‘forgettable’ it is just that some parts are more memorable than others. xx
I don’t know where Meg is. I thought she should be home by now. Perhaps they have kept her in the zoo – she is unique. Maybe they couldn’t get her in the plane with her hands sticking up. I am sure wherever she is we will hear again soon.
You take care too Kathryn. You have become very special.
Loads of Love
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Dear Kathryn
thank you for popping over onto my thread – I love to see your name there. I have thought a lot about your question and I am not going to attempt to answer it while my husbands stomach is growling for his dinner (or is it mine). Answer it I will as best I can – and soon.
Loads of Love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hiya Kathryn
I’m just off out for the day but I had to pop in and wish you a really happy birthday. I haven’t time to read all your posts but I notice ‘bling’ is involved. I will have to come back and read all about it. You deserve all your happiness and I hope you and your bling sparkle for ever.
I will be raising my glass to you tonight at 19.00 hours UK – great to know that somewhere in Sydney someone else is too. Hope she takes her hands out of the air long enough to take a sip. Somehow I don’t think she will spill a drop!!
Loads of Love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Kathryn
You don’t sound at all crazy to me. I know you pop over to F&F. Have you never read the posts that say – ‘My husband Fred Bloggs is committing to a gamble-free life why do I feel weird and crying when I’ve waited for years for this moment’?
Anything that affects our emotions deep down takes time to get that deep. I think that when the situation turns and impossible dreams become possible it must take time for the emotion to come out and so we feel weird and cry and other things that we don’t think we should do or feel.
I think your description ‘gambling hangover’ is superb but I think this time it is an emotional hangover that you just need to take your time with. You were all geared up to believe the worst so that you could cope and then ‘POW’ the elephant blew up and left you reeling. Your mind felt like it was going from everything to nothing in one millisecond but your sub-conscious is taking a little longer to accept it is over. You will get there and this will become a distant memory just another little hiccough along life’s way.
I have my glass ready for raising on the 11th which fortunately falls a week before the full moon so hopefully I should be fairly stable and won’t spill my toast to you.
The dress sounds terrific and a make-over will make you feel tip-top. I just wear a mask these days or a brown paper bag on special occasions.
Loads and Loads of Love
Velvet xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx