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Dear Kathryn
His shoulders were like barometers that determined the happiness I was allowed to feel. Straight and tall meant I could relax. Drooping meant keep the kids out of his way, walk on eggshells and agree. My feelings were not my own and I think what you have written is terrific. I was not so brave.
Live in comfort with yourself and your feelings. I do now and it works.
Loads of Love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Larry
Like Laura – I am proud to be walking with you. We walk on the same road but it isn’t until the fog lifts a bit that we can see the army marching on and I am so glad that I have not only seen but heard you.
You tax my grey cells and teach me so much.
I think it is great to see 18 month Gambling Free written on the hoarding by the road and I hope it gives heart to those who walk behind you. I hope they know that if they can write as Larry does after 18 months then ‘Wow’ just think what they can do after a year, 2 years and more. I have been lucky enough to know someone with 17 years behind him and still marching forward. He still views everyday as beautiful and is still seeing things he has not noticed before. His son died suddenly last year and he stayed true to his gamble-free life. Like you he was able to weep with his loved ones.
Life can be very tough and dealing with an addiction on top is something I cannot imagine but you are showing the way and it is great to read.
God Bless you Larry – I can hear that He does
Love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxDear Larry
I thought you would like to know that I have spent hours turning over the yolk and separating it from the white. I do intend to give it more thought but I keep ending up back at the beginning each time I start. I hope I can sleep tonight without scrambling eggs in my dreams. Thank you for your post. As always you give so much food for thought and I enjoy that sort of food immensely. You are really, really appreciated.
Love
V xxx
Dear Kathryn
Oh if only I had been at your brothers for New Year I would not be still worrying about whom I should apologise to! Of course my ‘so called’ friends don’t help – I don’t know if I really did kiss the bouncer or not but there is a vague memory of a very, very large man with a lot more earrings than the jewellers shop! How much better to have spent my time with your brother whose friends were so boring.
I was gobsmacked at you taking 3 things back. I worry about just 1 and usually end up grovelling. I will demand the manager next time and pass out if he was at the same New Year party as me!
I just popped over to wish you the happiest of years and to say how much I look forward to our continuing friendship in this lovely community.
You are one very special person
Loads of Love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Dear Kathryn
I am smiling too.
One year and a half – gone and not noticed. I have a little sticker on my wall that says ‘Often the best way to win is to forget to keep the score’ and you are proving it.
I love Larry’s ode to a year – I trust he has done his calculations and I am sure they will be spot on.
I measure my years in happiness and sadness. Being a Scot I am on the floor (or the table) at midnight on Hogmanay and the year’s events are sifted through the befuddled brain. I often shed a tear for happiness as well as sadness and then on with the next year.
I have been surprised since writing on this site that the tears of sadness are less. This site is like a beacon of hope and to anyone who seeks help in it there is the possibility of success and certainly the knowledge to find that success if it is wanted enough. A reason for tears only of happiness and hope I think.
You are a shining example of what can be done as are many others. You bring light into the lives of F&F and fellow CGs who are at different stages of their struggle and I for one salute you and wish you a life-time of happiness – a life that ‘you’ and nobody and nothing else controls.
Thank you Kathryn for making hope a reality for so many.
Loads of love as Ever
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi K
I cannot imagine having a wee boy with a better mother for understanding him than you. You have overcome so much yourself.
I am sure you will work things out.
It certainly is good news getting some money at this time.
With loads of Love
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Hi Dear K
It has been far to long since I wrote to my dear Aussie friend but I think she deserves to hear some good news after her recent football disappointment.
My grandson arrived in Sydney last night (UK time) to teach cricket in a private school. So forget the footie – at least with a British coach the Australian cricket will improve xxxxxxxxx
I had better leave it there before the wallabies get thrown across the ocean.
‘Tainted’, ‘think less of’ – these are not the words that spring to mind when I think of you. Whoever it was who gave you the push, I am glad they did. You are one hell of a fantastic woman and probably more so because of what you have been through. I take my hat off to you. (well I would if I had one on xx)
Loads and Loads of Love to someone who always makes my day happier
V xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Cześć, gdzie teraz
Nie powiedziałeś rodzinie i przyjaciołom, ponieważ się wstydzisz i nie chcesz, aby wiedzieli, że nie jesteś tak szczęśliwy, jak wyglądasz. Ja też tak zrobiłem i to jest złe. Nie ma wstydu w tej chorobie – twój mąż nie chciał jej w swoim życiu. Trzymając to w tajemnicy, ukrywamy go i pozwalamy mu się ropieć bez ograniczeń, jednocześnie kładąc na sobie ogromne obciążenie, które może nas ostatecznie przytłoczyć.
Kiedy byłem w Gamanon (co było dobre x), dziewczyna, która przywróciła mi zdrowie psychiczne, powiedziała „idź drogą, a przejdziesz CG i nigdy się nie dowiesz – nie przewracają się i nie wyglądają na rozrzucone „. W ogrodzie 18 miesięcy temu zdałem sobie sprawę, że osoba, która do mnie mówi, jest zmartwiona, a jej słowa brzmiały znajomo. Trochę szturchnąłem i na pewno to był jej syn. Rozmawialiśmy i przekazałem jej jak najwięcej informacji i skierowałem ją na tę stronę. Spotkałem ją ponownie w tym roku i prawdopodobnie zdusiła w zarodku uzależnienie swojego syna. Ma problem z hazardem, który graniczy z kompulsywnością i byłby taki, gdyby mógł swobodnie biegać. Gdybym nie mówił, może nie miałaby takiego wyniku. Kolejną rzeczą, z której zdałem sobie sprawę, jest to, że nie ma czegoś takiego jak idealna rodzina, którą uważałem za moją.
Uzależnienie ma na celu odizolowanie czynnika i dzieli rodziny. Nie chce być poznana. Twoi przyjaciele prawie na pewno nie zrozumieją. Na tym forum ogólnie uważa się, że dopóki nie żyjesz z nałogiem, nie możesz zrozumieć, jak to jest z nim żyć. To, co mogą zrobić, to wesprzeć cię jako człowieka ze smutkiem w swoim życiu. Jeśli patrzą na ciebie z góry, to przegrywają – nie nauczyli się nie osądzać, a to jest dla mnie jedną z najsmutniejszych rzeczy ze wszystkich.
Zdobywasz teraz wiedzę i to pomoże. Dopiero gdy zdamy sobie sprawę, że to uzależnienie nie musi kontrolować naszego życia, zdamy sobie sprawę, że jesteśmy silniejsi. Twój mąż może się śmiać, ale to uzależnienie musisz spojrzeć w oczy i powiedzieć „to”, że nie będziesz z tym żyć.
Dziękuję za towarzystwo. Swoją drogą to, co mówi się w grupie, zostaje w grupie – jesteś całkowicie bezpieczny.
Mnóstwo miłości
Aksamit ********************Hei Wheretonow
Et ole kertonut perheellesi ja ystävillesi, koska häpeät etkä halua heidän tietävän, ettet ole niin onnellinen kuin miltä näytät. Niin minäkin tein ja se on väärin. Tässä sairaudessa ei ole häpeää – miehesi ei halunnut sitä elämäänsä. Pitämällä sen salaisuutena peitämme sen ja annamme sen märäytyä hillittömästi samalla kun rasitamme itseämme valtavasti, mikä voi lopulta hukuttaa meidät.
Kun olin Gamanonissa (joka oli hyvä x), tyttö, joka palautti minut järkiini, sanoi: "Kävele tietä ja ohitat CG: t etkä koskaan tiedä – ne eivät kaadu eivätkä näytä erillään ''. Puutarhassa 18 kuukautta sitten tajusin, että puhuva henkilö oli huolissaan ja hänen sanansa kuulostivat tutuilta. Nyökkäsin vähän ja varmasti se oli hänen poikansa. Puhuimme ja annoin hänelle niin paljon tietoa kuin pystyin ja ohjasin hänet tälle sivustolle. Tapasin hänet uudelleen tänä vuonna ja hän on mahdollisesti pudottanut poikansa riippuvuuden alkuunsa. Hänellä on ongelma uhkapelien kanssa, jotka rajoittuvat pakko -oireisiin ja jotka olisivat niin, jos niiden annettaisiin pelata vapaasti. Jos en olisi puhunut, ehkä hänellä ei olisi ollut tällaista tulosta. Toinen asia, jonka olen ymmärtänyt, on se, että täydellistä perhettä, jonka luulin omakseni, ei ole olemassa.
Riippuvuus pyrkii eristämään mahdollistajan ja jakamaan perheet. Se ei halua itseään tunnetuksi. Ystäväsi eivät varmasti ymmärrä. Tällä foorumilla tuntuu yleensä, että ellet ole elänyt riippuvuuden kanssa, et voi ymmärtää, millaista on elää sen kanssa. He voivat kuitenkin tukea sinua ihmisenä surullisena elämässään. Jos he katsovat sinua alaspäin, he ovat häviäjiä – he eivät ole oppineet olemaan tuomitsematta ja se on minulle yksi surullisimmista asioista.
Nyt saat tietoa ja se auttaa. Kun ymmärrämme, että tämän riippuvuuden ei tarvitse hallita elämäämme, ymmärrämme, että olemme vahvempia. Miehesi voi nauraa, mutta riippuvuus sinun täytyy katsoa silmiin ja kertoa sille, ettet elä sen kanssa.
Kiitos seurasta. Muuten ryhmässä sanottu pysyy ryhmässä – olet täysin turvassa.
Paljon rakkautta
Sametti *********************Здравей Къде
Не сте казали на семейството и приятелите си, защото се срамувате и не искате те да знаят, че не сте толкова щастливи, колкото изглеждате. Това също направих и е грешно. Няма срам в това заболяване – съпругът ви не го искаше в живота си. Като пазим тайната му, ние го покриваме и му позволяваме да се разпали неограничено, като същевременно налагаме огромно напрежение върху себе си, което в крайна сметка може да ни смаже.
Когато бях в Гаманон (което беше добър x) момичето, което ми върна здравия разум, каза „върви по пътя и ще минеш покрай CG и никога не знаеш – те не падат и не изглеждат раздалечени '. В градина преди 18 месеца осъзнах, че човекът, който ми говори, се притеснява и думите й звучат познато. Побутах малко и със сигурност това беше нейният син. Говорихме и аз й дадох възможно най -много информация и я насочих към този сайт. Срещнах я отново тази година и тя вероятно е прекъснала зависимостта на сина си в зародиш. Той има проблем с хазарта, който граничи с натрапчивост и би бил такъв, ако му бъде позволено да работи без ограничения. Ако не бях говорил, може би нямаше да има такъв резултат. Другото, което осъзнах, е, че няма такова нещо като перфектно семейство, което вярвах, че е моето.
Зависимостта се стреми да изолира активиращия фактор и разделя семействата. Не иска да се знае. Приятелите ви почти сигурно няма да разберат. По принцип във форума се усеща, че освен ако не сте живели със зависимостта, не можете да разберете какво е да живеете с нея. Това, което могат да направят, е да ви подкрепят като човешко същество с тъга в живота си. Ако те гледат отвисоко, значи са губещите – не са се научили да не съдят и това за мен е едно от най -тъжните неща.
Сега натрупвате знания и това ще ви помогне. Когато осъзнаем, че тази зависимост не трябва да контролира живота ни, осъзнаваме, че сме по -силни. Съпругът ви може да се смее, но това е пристрастяването, което трябва да погледнете в очите и да му кажете, че няма да живеете с него.
Благодаря ви за вашата компания. Между другото това, което се казва в група, остава в група – вие сте напълно в безопасност.
Много любов
Кадифе *********************Hallo Wheretonow
Je hebt het niet aan familie en vrienden verteld omdat je je schaamt en je wilt niet dat ze weten dat je niet zo gelukkig bent als je eruit ziet. Dat heb ik ook gedaan en het is verkeerd. Er is geen schaamte in deze ziekte – uw man wilde het niet in zijn leven. Door het geheim te houden, dekken we het in en laten we het ongeremd etteren terwijl we onszelf onder een enorme druk leggen die ons uiteindelijk kan overweldigen.
Toen ik in Gamanon was (wat een goede x was) zei het meisje dat me mijn gezond verstand teruggaf: 'loop de weg af en je zult CG's passeren en nooit weten – ze vallen niet om en ze zien er niet uit elkaar uit '. In een tuin 18 maanden geleden realiseerde ik me dat de persoon die tegen me sprak zich zorgen maakte en haar woorden klonken bekend in de oren. Ik stootte een beetje aan en het was inderdaad haar zoon. We spraken en ik gaf haar zoveel mogelijk informatie en stuurde haar naar deze site. Ik heb haar dit jaar weer ontmoet en ze heeft mogelijk de verslaving van haar zoon in de kiem gesmoord. Hij heeft een gokprobleem dat grenst aan dwangmatigheid en dat ook zou zijn als hij vrijuit zou gaan. Als ik niet had gepraat, had ze die uitkomst misschien niet gehad. Het andere dat ik ben gaan beseffen, is dat er niet zoiets bestaat als een perfect gezin waarvan ik dacht dat het de mijne was.
De verslaving probeert de enabler te isoleren en verdeelt families. Het wil niet bekend worden. Je vrienden zullen het vrijwel zeker niet begrijpen. Op dit forum wordt algemeen gevoeld dat, tenzij je met de verslaving hebt geleefd, je niet kunt begrijpen hoe het is om ermee te leven. Wat ze wel kunnen doen is jou als mens ondersteunen met verdriet in haar leven. Als ze op je neerkijken, zijn ze de verliezers – ze hebben niet geleerd om niet te oordelen en dat vind ik een van de meest trieste dingen van allemaal.
Je krijgt nu kennis en het zal helpen. Het is wanneer we ons realiseren dat deze verslaving ons leven niet hoeft te beheersen, dat we beseffen dat we de sterkere zijn. Je man lacht misschien, maar het is de verslaving die je nodig hebt om in de ogen te kijken en 'het' te zeggen dat je er niet mee zult leven.
Dank u voor uw bedrijf. Trouwens, wat in een groep wordt gezegd, blijft in een groep – je bent volkomen veilig.
Veel liefde
Flueel *********************Hallo Wheretonow
Sie haben es Familie und Freunden nicht erzählt, weil Sie sich schämen und nicht möchten, dass sie wissen, dass Sie nicht so glücklich sind, wie Sie aussehen. Das habe ich auch gemacht und es ist falsch. Es ist keine Schande an dieser Krankheit – Ihr Mann wollte sie nicht in seinem Leben. Indem wir es geheim halten, decken wir es ab und lassen es hemmungslos eitern, während wir uns selbst eine immense Belastung auferlegen, die uns am Ende überwältigen kann.
Als ich in Gamanon war (was ein gutes x war), sagte das Mädchen, das mir meinen Verstand zurückgegeben hat: „Geh die Straße entlang und du wirst an CGs vorbeikommen und es nie wissen – sie fallen nicht um und sehen nicht aus '. Vor 18 Monaten wurde mir in einem Garten klar, dass die Person, die mit mir sprach, sich Sorgen machte und ihre Worte kamen mir bekannt vor. Ich stupste ein wenig und tatsächlich war es ihr Sohn. Wir haben uns unterhalten und ich habe ihr so viele Informationen wie möglich gegeben und sie auf diese Seite verwiesen. Ich habe sie dieses Jahr wieder getroffen und sie hat die Sucht ihres Sohnes möglicherweise im Keim erstickt. Er hat ein Problem mit dem Glücksspiel, das an Zwang grenzt und würde es auch sein, wenn es ungehindert laufen darf. Wenn ich nicht geredet hätte, wäre sie vielleicht nicht zu diesem Ergebnis gekommen. Die andere Sache, die mir klar geworden ist, ist, dass es keine perfekte Familie gibt, von der ich glaubte, dass sie meine war.
Die Sucht versucht, den Ermöglicher zu isolieren, und sie spaltet Familien. Es will nicht selbst bekannt werden. Ihre Freunde werden es mit ziemlicher Sicherheit nicht verstehen. In diesem Forum hat man allgemein den Eindruck, dass man nicht verstehen kann, wie es ist, damit zu leben, wenn man nicht mit der Sucht gelebt hat. Was sie jedoch tun können, ist, dich als Mensch mit Traurigkeit in ihrem Leben zu unterstützen. Wenn sie auf dich herabschauen, dann sind sie die Verlierer – sie haben nicht gelernt, nicht zu urteilen und das ist für mich eines der traurigsten Dinge überhaupt.
Sie gewinnen jetzt Wissen und es wird Ihnen helfen. Erst wenn wir erkennen, dass diese Sucht unser Leben nicht kontrollieren muss, erkennen wir, dass wir stärker sind. Ihr Mann mag lachen, aber es ist die Sucht, die Sie brauchen, um in die Augen zu sehen und ihr zu sagen, dass Sie nicht damit leben werden.
Vielen Dank für Ihr Unternehmen. Übrigens, was in einer Gruppe gesagt wird, bleibt in einer Gruppe – Sie sind absolut sicher.
Viel Liebe
Samt *********************
Hi Wheretonow
You have not told family and friends because you are ashamed and you don’t want them to know that you are not as happy as you look. It is what I did too and it is wrong. There is no shame in this illness – your husband didn’t want it in his life. By keeping it’s secret we cover for it and allow it to fester unrestrained whilst putting an immense strain on ourselves that can overwhelm us in the end.
When I was in Gamanon (which was a good one x) the girl who gave me back my sanity said ‘walk down the road and you will pass CGs and never know – they don’t fall over and they don’t look spaced out’. In a garden 18 months ago I realised that the person talking to me had a worry and her words sounded familiar. I nudged a bit and sure enough it was her son. We talked and I gave her as much information as I could and directed her to this site. I met her again this year and she has possibly nipped her son’s addiction in the bud. He has a problem with gambling which is bordering on compulsive and would be so if allowed to run unfettered. If I hadn’t talked maybe she would not have had that outcome. The other thing I have come to realise is that there is no such thing as a perfect family which I believed mine was.
The addiction seeks to isolate the enabler and it divides families. It doesn’t want itself to be known. Your friends will almost certainly not understand. It is generally felt on this forum that unless you have lived with the addiction you cannot understand what it is like to live with it. What they can do though is support you as a human being with sadness in her life. If they do look down on you then they are the losers – they haven’t learnt not to judge and that to me is one of the saddest things of all.
You are gaining knowledge now and it will help. It is when we realise that this addiction does not have to control our lives that we realise we are the stronger. Your husband may laugh but it is the addiction you need to look in the eye and tell ‘it’ that you will not live with it.
Thank you for your company. By the way what is said in a group stays in a group – you are completely safe.
Loads of Love
Velvet *********************