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Dear Kathryn
I thought that would be you answer xx
Hi Kathryn
I am glad you are no longer scared and not only that you have proved to yourself how strong you are and how much you are in control of your addiction.
I think most of the whole community would understand your fear of confession and the imagined dreaded result of that confession but for you, more than me, it must be so much more difficult because you always feel your addiction will be dragged up again.
Non-CGs yell – it is frustration over something they cannot control and also because it lets out steam and although it doesn’t physically hurt, all yelling can hurt emotionally. I freeze when I am yelled at. Your reaction ‘used to be’ to escape into gambling but dear Kathryn, whereas I still freeze you have grown stronger and you control yourself.
You have changed your life Kathryn. He is expressing road-rage and you are in control.
I think that most of us feel sometimes that no matter what we do in life, it isn’t enough but what you do and did here – was enough. You are enough. Take heart from this and believe more deeply in in yourself and your wonderful control. To me you are an inspiration that I learn so much from. I have so much to thank you for.
I didn’t doubt your survival and I am not being complacent but I didn’t like you feeling scared.
What were you scared of most? His reaction or the thought it might send you back into your addiction? It is my belief it was his reaction.
Velvet x
Hi Kathryn
I am glad you are no longer scared and not only that you have proved to yourself how strong you are and how much you are in control of your addiction.
I think most of the whole community would understand your fear of confession and the imagined dreaded result of that confession but for you, more than me, it must be so much more difficult because you always feel your addiction will be dragged up again.
Non-CGs yell – it is frustration over something they cannot control and also because it lets out steam and although it doesn’t physically hurt, all yelling can hurt emotionally. I freeze when I am yelled at. Your reaction ‘used to be’ to escape into gambling but dear Kathryn, whereas I still freeze you have grown stronger and you control yourself.
You have changed your life Kathryn. He is expressing road-rage and you are in control.
I think that most of us feel sometimes that no matter what we do in life, it isn’t enough but what you do and did here – was enough. You are enough. Take heart from this and believe more deeply in in yourself and your wonderful control. To me you are an inspiration that I learn so much from. I have so much to thank you for.
I didn’t doubt your survival and I am not being complacent but I didn’t like you feeling scared.
What were you scared of most? His reaction or the thought it might send you back into your addiction? It is my belief it was his reaction.
Velvet x
Dear Santa
I would like for Christmas this year to be with Kathryn and her bestie on a Thursday night – even if it is only as a fly on the wall.
Love
VelvetHi Kathryn
Hope you feel better soon
V x
Hi Kathryn
I think RG has already voiced my immediate thought on reading your post.
You would be in a far worse position than you are now financially and spiritually if you were still allowing your addiction to pull your strings.
Life is tough and getting tougher all round the world at the moment and you are probably struggling because of the downturn. The pinch is being felt in my little corner of England too. x
When does your lease run out?
Don’t be disheartened my friend – you are doing so well, you are inspiring so many. I would imagine you are probably still feeling a bit low after being sick and things look worse when you are not physically on top.
Sometimes it is harder to focus on what we have, than what we don’t have – I know the feeling only too well. Your children have a whole mum who has the most amazing courage – that is worth more than anything.
Don’t look back thinking I have had it and I have lost it – look forward and know that you have it now, enjoy it and know that you are mentally able to fight for whatever the future holds for you and your children.
I hope you continue to feel better and that your spirits are back up again today.
As Ever
V x
Hi Mrs Gardener
The trouble with weeding is that it leaves brown patches. The best bit is sticking green things, or seeds, in to those brown patches because they grow with nice coloured bits on the end and that’s when the back ache that comes with weeding is worthwhile.
Chucking away the old nasty bits and growing healthy, wonderful plants that you can sit back and admire, whilst saying – ‘I did that, all on my own with a bit of love and care’ – much like recovery methinks xx
I am going to move my pheasant berry now – it needs a new place in the garden and then I will deserve to sit down, with my coffee, to read my paper.
Glad all is under control in Kathryn-land
V x
Hi Kathryn
I am so pleased to hear your mum is home and seems to be a little better.
I loved the words you have taken from the film. I like the idea of everyone I meet being a teacher because that obviously applies to good and bad. All teaching can be listened to or rejected but we should learn from it all and hopefully apply the good to ourselves.
You have been a teacher in passing these words on and I am going to print them off and ponder them – especially the last 2 lines as they will give me some serious pondering.
I am sorry your mum is looking at a life-changing experience that she is none too happy about. How good it is that her daughter is able to be there for her in every way because she made a life-changing decision and bravely stuck to it.
As a mum I believe we are very blessed to have children who have overcome terrible adversity. It seems to me that we have something more special than most people will experience. Life is often not kind but with your heightened empathy and understanding you will be able to give your mum so much more, so no thoughts of horrendous nauseous waves because they are not for you. Whatever period your mother is entering, her pride in you will sustain her and give her strength.
Love
V xx
Dear Kathryn
I am so sorry you are exhausted and scared. Please stay close to us so that we can support you.
Sometimes we don’t feel we cope to well but we do have unknown reserves thank goodness.
I am thinking about you. Look after yourself. Your mum will get support from your love.
If only we could squeeze the world closer at times so that we could hold on to each other. I am hugging you in cyber space
Loads of Love
Velvet xx
Hi Larry
Your contribution to F&F forums is welcome. You do a lot for us and I hope you can feel the warmth that you give, reflected back, with interest.
As Ever
Velvet
Hi Kathryn
Just dropped in to say ‘hi’ and catch up. As always your posts give me a boost to carry on. You are inspirational all over the site.
I am so pleased your time in Sydney was so good. I am off to the Camargue in France in September and really looking forward to it. As I have a propensity to fall over I wlll take heed of your experience and avoid stairs at all costs.
VDear Kathryn
Happier for reading your post
V
Hiya Kathryn
Welcome to your new abode and dishwasher – I hope it is everything you want it to be and deserve it to be.
Moving is exhausting and it is an emotional time as well with memories left behind and so many new hopes for the future. It takes so long to pack everything up and it takes for ever to unpack. I decided that when I arrived in my new home I would lie flat on my back and not move for days I was so tired but it didn’t work out. The previous owners had not been as clean as I would have hoped so having cleaned the house that I was moving out of I spent weeks scrubbing this one. They left their oven and it was filthy and there was dog hair inside it – don’t ask – I didn’t!
I moved 4 years ago and I have never regretted it for a second. I moved about 130 miles, which isn’t much in Australian distance but is a long way with UK road systems.
It’s another new beginning Kathryn – another new start and chapter. I am sure you will make a fantastic success of this move as you have done with your life and your children – just give that husband of yours a kick up the backside every now and then and it will be perfect.
You will have more time to write on the forum now that your dishes are being done by a machine.
V
Hi Kathryn
It certainly was no can of worms that you opened in the F&F Topic forum. It was a window that you opened giving F&F the chance to look through and see a different perspective and that can only be good.
What you wrote set out exactly how Ifound things in the Gamanon group and affiliated GA group that started me on my road to recovery and change. I felt presumptuous putting the CG’s perspective on the forum although I felt I understood it when I saw it first hand. Change can affect people’s feelings both ways – it is not the prerogative of the F&F. I saw F&F members making life miserable for their CG spouses to balance the suffering they had felt as a result of living with the addiction – the end result was of course misery for both and it was very sad. I am sure it was not deliberate – I think they had fallen into behaviour of being ‘put upon and unhappy’ and couldn’t find their way out. There was an element of ‘OK so you’ve changed – so what? Bid deal! Life has not improved for me – we are still struggling, the same as we always have, as a result of your gambling!’
For me the sharing on this site between CG and F&F has become the most important things towards understanding.
It definitely points towards, as you so rightly say, that we have to do what is right for us as individuals. Making another, or ourselves, unnecessarily miserable is no life at all and we should all be brave enough to say this is not working for me. I am glad that you have fought for your relationship and I wish you both well.
We can all slip into a pattern and sometimes a rut and it is possible your husband didn’t know he had done so. You have given him the opportunity to change and he seems to have welcomed it.
Do men do soul-searching? I think ‘My Journal’ points to the fact that they can and do. Most people I think just chug along through life and as long as they think it is OK they don’t bother, it is only when something jumps out and brings them up short that they make the effort to look at themselves – it was certainly so for me.
I believe that ‘my change’ has been important to the success of my CG’s change. I wish your husband well – he probably wanted/needed the kick up the pants but wasn’t sure how to go about it!
V
Hi Kathryn
Congratulations on your two wonderful gamble-free years.
I hope your move goes well – it is a terrific opportunity to leave bad memories behind although there are always good memories too.
You deserve the best Kathryn – you’re a star
V