Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Dear Lost
It is good to hear from you and that you have survived Christmas and the New Year. x
It is impossible to make sense of the senseless especially when you are weary and feeling that you are not in the driving seat.
Hopefully now we are into the New Year and life is quieter you will get the precious time to look after yourself more.
I hope too to be able to pass on to you the tools to help you do more than just survive. It took me a long time to learn to use them to help myself and I didn’t have the added pain of someone struggling with a life and death illness. You have a lot on your plate but you can succeed, you can take over the driving seat.
When you can update it would be good to hear (I hope) that your CG is still going to GA. I would imagine he is having a terrible uphill struggle with his father’s illness and I hope it would help to share his reaction to it.
It would be great to see you in a group.
As with all those who don’t post for a while I do wonder how you are, so thank you for your post.
Velvet
Velvet
Hi Babz
I hurried to my computer this morning and was re***ved to see that you had rep***s from Twilight and Dawn, both with a different perspective but like you and me – w are all sharing the same goal.
As I said before I don’t know how much you know about this addiction – you are actually doing so well with it. The reason your husband ***s is because he knows no other way to handle his situation. He is, as a child, caught doing something he should not have done and he ***s. An adult ***** is very difficult and most of us back away the first few ***** it happens, not wanting to be***ve the obvious. Once the addiction has learned our weakness it never gives up. *** upon *** follows, even ***s for no reason. It becomes the normal way of life but it distorts the CG’s mind. When the CG looks back on what has happened and how they dealt with it they only see the ***. Their ***s have become their truth.
CGs need support and help to overcome this way of handling situations. They also need to learn to trust. Your husband appears to have the added problem that his father also struggles with truth. Your husband, if he can control his gambling, will not be able to trust his father and that is why it is so important that you are honest in your dealings with him. Don’t threaten anything unless you mean it. Don’t tell him that life is one thing if it is another – he ***** to hear truth. His addiction is the master of manipulation and if we make idle threats or *** to cover things the CG will not trust us.
I find the way you have dealt with your situation incredibly mature. Your children have one very responsible parent – you should be very proud of yourself.
While your husband is waiting for his referral to the addiction team would you consider telling him about this site? We do have a wonderful Live Advice Helpline, contactable in the top right hand box by clicking ‘connect’ (as you did last night) when the helpline is open. They can help your husband as you and I cannot. They will support and understand and there will be no judgement. It is run by CGs who are in long term control of their addictions and also a dedicated counsellor. The CG groups are there for him too as is the forum ‘My Journal’. If you are worried about him recognising you, we can alter your username and/or even make your thread invisible – not deleted. The group is obviously a place he cannot enter. Personally I did not read anything my CG ever wrote as I be***ve this site is a place where the individual gets their support and that is what I feel we all want.
I cannot judge your father in law. It would appear that he has deep issue too but if those issues are affecting you or your husband then it is important, I think, to keep him out of the equation as much as possible. I understand your resentment only too well but don’t let it cloud your judgement. What he is saying is irresponsible and plain daft so it is not worth fretting over but is worth trying to ignore. His mother, maybe is the stronger link even though she probably doesn’t feel it. Behind all over-bearing fathers, in my opinion, there is a woman trying to get out unless she has been so beaten down she has no will of her own.
The finest way you can support your husband is to look after you. Your husband’s life is chaotic and he will have caused a lot of grief. If he really wants to change he will have to look at that chaos and grief and take responsibility for it. It takes great courage to do so. If you are part of the wreckage of his addiction then his task is greater. So for yourself, your children and your husband put you first, make sure that you are healthy and looking after your *****. We cannot make our loved ones stop gambling but we can make a difference if they want to control their addiction but as victims we can’t change anything.
I was a victim Babz and I was pathetic. Fortunately for me my CG went into rehab and I put my recovery before his. It meant that when we tried to rebuild a broken relationship we had both advanced in our recoveries – we were both on our way to being whole again.
Has your husband heard about Gordon House? It is a terrific rehab centre. If he is interested you can get information from our Helpline either by contacting in the top right hand box or using the ‘Email Us’ at the top of this page.
You sound a terrific person and you deserve a lot of support. I am glad you have found us
Velvet
Velvet
Hi Babz
I’m glad you caught me before I closed the group. It was good to speak to you.
I will reply to your post thoroughly in the morning but for now I hope it helps to know that you are in the right place where there is no judgement – only understanding.
It takes time to take everything in and you have had a dreadful experience. Your father in law is completely out of order and his bullying of you might explain some of his son’s problems although it doesn’t excuse his addiction.
Your husband cannot trust himself so don’t worry that you cannot trust him – it is better not to do so. Sadly it is impossible to tell what a CG really feels when their mind is distorted with addiction but keep posting and hopefully we can get your strength back and the self-esteem that will have been taken from you.
You are stronger than your husband because you don’t own the addiction – he does. He is controlled and you are not. He lacks rationale and logic – you do not. It is easy to say ‘don’t listen to his father’ but I know it is hard not to do so. You ‘know’ you are a good mother and I hope you know and believe that your husband’s addiction is not your fault in any way at all.
When you don’t know what to do, stand still for a while and listen. You will make your own informed decisions when you are ready.
Velvet xx
Hi M Babz
At the top of this page on the right click on the word ‘connect’ by Friends and Family. I am opening in about 4 minutes
To start a thread go back to the page with the forums on it and click on ‘New Topic’ in the little box at the top. Give your thread a title and off you go. I look forward to seeing you.
VelvetHi Linda
How did your day go?
Hope to see you in a group soon
VelvetHi M babz
Please start your own thread or come into a group as Faith did.
You have given support by writing but I feel that you could use some support yourself. It is far better when the replies relate to ‘you’. Nothing that is said in a group appears on the forum.
It would be good to meet ‘you’ as a person
Velvet
Hi Blue
I find that reading CG posts give me an insight that I could never have had when I was living in the shadow of the addiction. I have, however, heard your words before, spoken by my CG who has changed his life. He did have sheer enjoyment, he did sacrifice everything for that enjoyment but it turned him into a person he didn’t want to be.
He cannot ‘promise’ that he will never gamble again but he can live his life day to day, affirming that on that day he will not gamble. I know that he has turned into the person that he wanted to be and not only that, he has turned into a person that I am proud to know.
It is never too late to stop gambling and I haven’t said that a million ***** before. Be careful of ‘waiting for payday’ because you are putting a strain on yourself and you are aware that your partner is watching. You have to do this for ‘you’ and nobody else. This is your life and you are fed up ***** to everyone. Everyone probably knows you are ***** too which makes your ***** a waste of time.
I think you have said ‘why you gamble’. I think it would be good to consider how you will feel when you embrace a gamble-free life. Compulsive gambling is an addiction and therefore you are being controlled by an addiction. When you face that addiction and change your life – you will be in control of it – not owned by a faceless, cruel, deceiver. ‘You’ can make the good things happen and you will find that those around you will relax and change too. Your partner would be so welcome in our F&F group and on our F&F forum. She will have been affected by your addiction – none of us get away with it.
We do all the wrong things for all the right reasons when we love a CG. Your partner ***** to recover too and when she does she will no longer be the victim of your addiction. She will be free too.
I have changed so much and continue to do so each day that takes me further from the gambling years. I believe that friends and family have to change if they want to live and love a CG who is committing to a life-time of being gamble-free. Without realising it the addiction causes us to loose ourselves and our self-esteem too.
I think you know the answers to your questions and you know what to do – the hard bit is doing it but I believe you can.
Velvet
Hi Jen
There is no point in keeping asking yourself why you didn’t keep coming back for support. You didn’t and now you know that you need to do just that.
There is no shame in being in our community – whether we are in ‘My Journal’ or F&F we are sharing an addiction that destroys us, if we let it – and ***** attention – constant attention.
Your words that you are ‘grateful about the last screw up’ suggest a good light bulb moment. Keep it burning bright.
As you so rightly say – whatever works for you but please make that include sticking with this site. I wouldn’t be writing on here if didn’t ‘know’ that this addiction can be controlled. I also know it takes a massive amount of courage. You have that courage but sometimes it flags a little. Allow your friends here to keep it boosted, so that you can enjoy a gamble-free life.
Velvet
Velvet
Hi Bruce
It often does put a strain on others to look after the finances of a CG but provided you don’t give her a hard time when she does it, maybe she can cope.
I assume she knows you have a gambling problem but I doubt she knows how difficult it is for you. Why not ask her if she would like to post in our F&F forum or come into an F&F group? I promise you she will be looked after.
You went and got another bank card and it was never mentioned again but maybe she is more aware than you think but unable to broach the subject with you. She probably doesn’t know what to do for the best and thinks that ‘she’ is alone with this addiction in her life. I felt alone for 25 years so I do understand. You could also inform your bank that you are a CG and tell them that you want them to ignore requests for new cards without your mother’s signature. I know it looks as though I am suggesting she treats you as a child but this addiction is so difficult and sometimes you have to find other ways to skin the cat.
I understand only too well about trusting other people but maybe it is worth a try.
It is good that you are venting and the site is here for you to do just that. It’s most powerful messages though require you to listen just as I am listening to you.
Are you bombarding your partner with emails? You only have to glance in F&F occasionally to know how F&F feel when a CG bombards them. They do not want to react – they want their recovery. They can love the CG but they cannot live in the shadow of the addiction. Forgiveness is something that takes time and should only be given willingly.
There is a difference between asking to borrow 600 and asking for help. I cannot think of any reason why a non-CG would want to lend a CG 600 but I can think of many reasons why non-CGs want to help but don’t know how to.
Keep psting
Velvet
Hi Flyorra
Why do you feel so lonely and unloved?
In this community you are cared for – you are cared for by so many who are walking the same path as you and also by so many of us who are cheering you on from the side-lines and wanting you to find your inner peace.
I don’t think that life is fair and I feel it is something we have to accept and then do something about – because we can. If I didn’t ‘know’ that you could control your addiction I would not be writing to you. I know you own it – and the courage to control it can only come from you – but the ability to do so, with support, is inside you.
Tell us about the person that is ‘you’. Not the person you feel is controlled but the person inside who wants to be free.
I think that many CGs find that ******** the days doesn’t help. How about taking a leap of faith and say ‘today I will not gamble’ and start a life-time of being gamble-free? Not day one, day two, day three, day four but one day at a time. It isn’t a competition. Only deal with ‘today’. Nobody wants you to lose. I have known and heard of many CGs that given time (not days counted off) who one day find they are living wonderful, fulfilled lives and have learned to love themselves as well as be loved. The individual days had evolved into a lifetime commitment.
Do you go into Kathryn’s group? She is a beacon shining forth with inspiration. She is living each day as it comes and as well as all that – she is a fellow ******.
10 dollars, 10000 dollars – it makes no difference. It is what the gamble does to your head that makes you feel so bad. A gamble-free life is within your power, take all the support you can. You ‘can’ do it.
Velvet
Hi Linda
I thought about you the other day and hoped that your silence meant you were ok.
I am glad that you knew that you could come back here and talk when your head must be reeling with confusion.
I cannot tell you what to do and that is not a cop out – we all have to do what is right for ourselves. We should never make decisions, in my opinion, when we are unsure, frightened and confused as you obviously are at present.
As far as I can remember, your CG has never sought help for his addiction and I have still never heard of a CG who has turned his life around completely without the right support from those who understand.
Have a set answer ready for people who ask questions at work. Simply say what you have said in your post ‘I don’t want to talk about it at the moment’. It would have to be a very thick skinned person who pushed you for more information. If it was me I wouldn’t wear the ring because I think it will cause you pain to show it – the shine has been taken off it. Gossip is a seven day wonder and those who judge are not worth worrying about. It is only ‘you’ that matters.
You need time Linda – time for yourself time to adjust and know what you want to do. You have been on the site long enough to know that this is a terrible addiction. You know that your CG will try and convince you that he can handle his addiction – it is down to you whether you accept it or not.
Look after yourself. We will talk soon I am sure
Velvet
Hi Levi
Health, loving family, car and a job you quite like – sounds like a good start to the New Year.
Keep it up – I will be popping over to read your posts and cheering you on from the sidelines
Velvet
Hi Cat
I am so pleased that you have come back.
Please don’t over-analyse the whys and wherefores on your own. You have accepted you have an addiction to gamble and that it will never bring you happiness.
A slip does not have to be negative – working through it can make you stronger for the future. Turn this experience into a positive and never be afraid to come back here.
You can do this, you are doing well. Believe in You.
Velvet
Hi Twilight
A very Happy New year to you.
I love Kathryn’s post to you. I read it after I had posted to Dawn and I feel I was (and am) saying the same thing.
Educating ourselves is a life time quest I think. To believe we have arrived at the ultimate state would make us pretty boring. It is easier for F&F to recover from the experience of living with the addiction to gamble than it is for those who own it. To keep educating ourselves though and (as Kathryn said) to keep the quest for happiness alive is something we can all work on together.
Whatever happens in life Twilight your father will always be your father. He hasn’t made a good job of it so far but he has to live with the consequences of his actions.
I think the slender thread that you keep alive between you is great. You must be one of the few things he can be proud of and although maybe he doesn’t deserve to feel so, as you have had to create your own happiness, it is good for him to see you doing so well. It might make it possible for him, one day, to make his own bucket list. Certainly you will be giving him more of the right support by being the amazing woman you are, without pandering to his addiction in any way.
He can change Twilight and if he does you will be a key factor, your strength and courage will be a beacon for him and he will keep seeing your light even in his darkest moments. You are credit to yourself.
Through this site we know that we can only control our own lives and it is up to us to look after those lives. We are all embarking on a new year and along with you I plan to make 2012 better than 2011. I too have a bucket list – it has changed over the years (I have taken the bungey jump off) but it is one I am happy wth. I wish you and your daughters so much happiness – you have embraced the ethos of this site and you, in your turn, have added to it over and over. Your posts are a joy to read and I look forward to many morning moments with you before you leave for work,to hear your progress and to watch as you support others with your inimitable syle.
Velvet
Dear Kathryn
I won’t know what 2012 is like for another 9 hours and I probably won’t be aware of it properly for a little while after that as somebody beside me is always making too much noise – I have seen her in the mirror every year but never managed to get her to be quiet.
Here we are – you and I, separated by a year at the moment and always by a large stretch of water but with the same dream. It is the same with this site. We have two forums but we have one goal – to live outside of the shadow of the addiction to gamble.
I hope that everybody on the site embraces 2012 as a good year. I look forward to reading successes all over the site because, like you, I know it can be done. I know we will read them because the will is there for so many.
Next time I speak to you I will be in 2012 too, we will still be in the same community with the same dream – what a pity that wretched water is still in the way.
Velvet