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Hi Amy(yy)(2)
Really glad to read you went shopping in your last post as I needed a thread to cheer me up on a dull, wet, drear day in the UK.
There are many ups and downs in recovery and it takes time for the ups to exceed the downs but they do. March was more difficult but this is April and with a gamble-free life will be more rewarding still.
You reckoned when you were feeling twitchy that you would come back on here and say ‘I don’t actually give a ….’ if you gambled. You are right it wouldn’t have been nice and it wouldn’t have been the truth. I have certainly never seen a post that says that following a slip.
You are doing so well. Your posts are great to read. You worked out why you wanted to go and gamble and then you worked out how to keep your gf life moving on and that is great.
Velvet
Dear Marlene
You know I would remember you. I am so proud of you posting again, I know it isn’t easy.
GA can work and does for many, many people.
Dear Marlene – leave your foot off the gas and look after you and your husband. You know all there is to know about enablement and you probably do everything right as a way of life now. Have a look at our Friends and Family topic forum underneath this forum, if you need reminding about enablement but I’m sure you don’t. You did all there was to do for your son and he was aware of the sadness he caused you. He wouldn’t want you to feel that sadness and I am sure that and a desire to be gamble-free is why he is going to GA.
We can ask no more of our sons Marlene, than to be aware, to seek recovery and to look after themselves. Your son is doing all of those things.
You say there is so much to tell and I hope you will write again soon.
Velvet xx
Velvet
Hi SM
In all groups of friends, I think, there are the organisers and the ones who are organised. It is certainly good that you cut your ties to your acquaintances though.
Hopefully having now closed that door there will be no more that you have missed. You learned from the experience which is what ******.
Restricting your money will certainly help but determining to control your addiction and dedicating your life to being gamble-free will give you self-esteem and confidence. I know you can do it.
Velvet
Hi Luv2
Another way to look at the posts on the forum is to see that there are also many who are succeeding in staying GF.
With your urges feeling strong you will be more drawn towards feeling the struggles of others but you can give yourself a reason for your increased struggle. Exhaustion can bring out irrational thought in all of us.
I also appreciate that when you have worked so hard, a reward for yourself is a nice thing to give but your choice of reward is one that gives you pain. Perhaps you could reward yourself with a new plant – one that will flourish and look beautiful and be a constant and happy reminder for you, knowing that you had earned it.
I hope you have a lovely mini-break and come back refreshed.
Velvet
Hi Bettie
Unfortunately not everybody can know about this wonderful site and the lesson it gives us all (well most anyway x) in how to not judge others.
As I child when I was hurt by comments my mother used to tell me that the child who had done it was jealous but it never seemed to help.
In later life though, what her message did for me was taught me to look at the person who was judging me or judging another. When do you ever hear a person judging another with a smile on their face?
I think that judgment-makers are concealing something that worries them – attack being the greatest form of defence. Hurt someone else before they hurt you.
There will obviously be the well-meaning accidental pain inflicted such as your daughter in the store. I would imagine he was mortified and I am sorry your daughter was hurt.
Cruel remarks have no place on this site thank goodness.
Bettie – your weight does not reflect the person that you are. It is the person that is ‘you’ that matters – nothing else.
Don’t feel ‘ok’ about thinking it is too late for you. How true Harry’s signature quote it to such a though "Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habits. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny".
Banish negativity from your mind. Look at what you have achieved. You are a terrific supporter of others. You are loving and kind. You are a wonderful mum.
When others drag you down, instead of reeling back with the hurt, stop and look at them. Does the opinion of the person hurting you really matter? Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. Unasked for nastiness tells us a great deal more about the person doing the criticizing.
I would welcome your friendship over anybody who judges others and I don’t care what colour, creed, shape, size they are. You are a beautiful person. Look after yourself.
Velvet
Hi Helen
Forgive me if I sound too cynical. I think it is common for a CG to feel ill instead of starting something that might lead to them facing a lot of things about themselves that they don’t want to face. In fact I can see why that would make someone feel in.
Watch for excuses. They are understandable but we have to stand back sometimes and weigh up whether the will is there or not.
Hopefully it is. Nothing will make her better than controlling her addiction though, even if she doesn’t know it.
Velvet
Hi Sonas
Welcome to Gambling Therapy.
I think in the end the answer might well be ‘yes’ to informing your husband’s parents but I think it would be good if you could keep posting for a while, giving yourself time to make the right informed decision.
There is a lot of questions that spring from your post. How long has you husband been gambling? Do his parents enable him? What is he doing to get help? How much do you know about the addiction the gamble?
You don’t say how this revelation has affected you. It is good to have people to talk to but I think everybody who has ever come on this forum have always said that nobody understands what it is like to live with a CG (compulsive gambler) unless they have done so. On this forum you are amongst people who do understand and above all will not judge.
I believe that knowledge of this addiction gives you power over it and that with that knowledge you are better equipped to tell others about what is happening in your life.
Your husband does not want and did not ask for his addiction anymore than you did. You are probably feeling low in confidence and self-esteem as a result of what you have found out and your husband will definitely be suffering lack of confidence and self-esteem because this addiction only offers failure.
In the Friends and Family Topic forum which is just under this forum there are topics about ‘informing others’ and they might help you. Please have a look and add to them if you wish.
As a parent who unwittingly, through ignorance, enabled for 25 years I believe it is better that parents know – but I am aware this is not true in all cases.
How long have you been married? Do you have children?
Please keep talking. Answers do come but I cannot tell you what to do. Only you can make your own decisions but it is easier with the tools to do it. You are important in all this. You cannot stop your husband gambling but you can make a difference.
We have Friends and Family only groups, ***** to be found in the top right hand box and you would be very welcome. Everything said in a group stays in the group and does not appear on the forum. Our helpline is terrific – it is there for your husband where he will be supported and understood as will you.
Your husband would also be welcome in the forum entitled ‘My Journal’ and in the CG only groups.
I wouldn’t be writing on here if I did not know that this addiction can be controlled and fantastic lives lived as a result.
If your husband seeks help he will be advised not to seek enablement and that would include telling his parents – if they are enablers. Perhaps he ***** to come to the decision himself.
Speak soon
Well done on starting a thread
Velvet
VelvetHi Blue and S2beme
Better still – why not join hands and tackle the other road together. It looks tougher but the end of it is a much better place to end up.
Velvet
Dear Kathryn
What a cracking post.
I always say in F&F that we don’t have to live in the shadow of the addiction to gamble and here you are in ‘My Journal’ saying the same. You must always be aware that it is there but then so are other nasty things and we don’t have to go there or think about them either – we have freedom.
You are proof that this addiction can be turned round and used for the good of others and yourself. Being unafraid and proud of who you are is something that many people do not achieve, CG or not. You have faced the darker side of you and you have rejected it. Wow Kathryn –you are an amazing person. Maybe it did take a massive pile of the brown stuff to get where you are but you can hold your head up now for ever.
I am so proud to have met you through this site.
I think your profile signature is a wonderful one for all who read your story.
I will sign off before I get mushy
Velvet
VelvetHi Bettie
I think you are right – you just stopped working hard enough at your recovery but you are still in that recovery and there is no need to start again. Up-grade the defences especially on complacency, remind yourself of all that you need to do and put this behind you.
You will never be able to gamble responsibly but then nor are most, if not all, of your friends on this forum, so you are walking with countless wonderful people who share this addiction with you.
VelvetHi Bettie
Just reading your thread has made me hungry. No mushroom in my pizza please but loads fo cheese
Velvet
Dear Kathryn
Where would we be without you?
If you can intimidate, in terms of being clean, then intimidate for the rest of your life.
Amyyy wrote recently that she felt that maybe she needed to ‘slip’ to be in the club and now you feel that your normal life could be called boring and nobody wants to hear about it.
You are both beacons for others. You are guiding lights that shine in the dark. Without inspirational people like you there is no hope.
I too am overjoyed by triumphs on this site but what have I got to offer? I am not struggling with the addiction to gamble in my life. I am happy. I am healthy. What does it matter if some perceive that we BS? I know I don’t and I know you don’t. I feel passionate about sharing the good news that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and that wonderful lives can be lived.
I am so glad that you stick around and support others. I encouraged someone in the F&F forum only last night to read your thread. You make a difference right across the board.
I can only imagine that your BS stood for ‘beautiful sense’, ‘boundless strength’ or ‘brilliant sagacity’ because that is what you write on your thread.
‘You’ make a difference and I am so glad that you are there.
Velvet
Hi Kathryn
I have never bothered about Valentine’s Day either and I am saddened that this one has upset you.
I wasn’t in the group (obviously) but can’t help thinking that the men on this site do a lot more inner thinking about themselves and those around them. I believe that having the courage to commit to a life-time controlling an addiction brings out more than just stopping gambling.
You certainly had a rotten evening and not just with the lack of roses and a card. Let go of all your guilt – you are not a dogsbody and deserve so much more. If you feel guilty about kicking such a terrible addiction into the corner, with so much determination, it possibly shows in how you behave, so don’t be frightened – you are incredibly brave and deserve, at the very least, a holiday in Bali.
We never celebrated Valentine’s Day in our house because it was my Mum’s birthday. I don’t like it because I think it leaves so many people sad so I expect nothing from it. Probably my expectations mean I get nothing from it. We will make a pact that next year you and I will demand to be treated like queens. You will not come home from work and carry on working – you will have tea made for you and you will not feel guilty.
I wonder if the men who spoke in the group always felt as they do now. We all need telling sometimes Kathryn. We all need someone to show us the way. You do it for so many on here – so show your husband the way.
I will be at the front of the queue, elbowing Laura out of the way, to bop you on the nose with your Valentine’s Day post, if you dare feel guilt about something that you deserve.
Velvet
Hi Bettie
Three things:-
What date are you meeting each other?
It is great reading your thread. I think that abstention becomes recovery. I don’t believe anything as damaging as this addiction can be instantly cauterised. You are doing so well and yet you are so hard on yourself.
And
I have copied and pasted the words that you copied and pasted from Marilee’s post ages ago. I think they deserve an outing in F&F. Not sure when or how but they definitely deserve to be aired again.
I would love to be a fly on the wall when you all meet or better still standing shoulder to shoulder.
A dive into ‘My Journal’ threads always brings me new understanding or in the case of Marilee’s post a different way of saying something that I have been trying to say but not saying as clearly as I could, or would have hoped – not that I ever get confusing!
Whenever your meeting is I hope it is wonderful. I found on the rare occasions I was invited into a GA group that love literally bounced off the walls – at a conference it must be amazing.
Velvet
Dear Kathryn
Oh how I would love to have been with you – what a wonderful weekend. Unfortunately Andy Murray got knocked out today – did you see him play – or Nadal or the beautiful Federer.
Tell me when you get organised and how you did it. I remember when my twins were born the hospital spouted on about getting into a routine – somehow it always just escaped me – I will keep trying though.
I am so fed up with grey, dreary dismal days, with water-logged tracks across the fields, which for some reason my dog feels we should plough across every day. The ray of sunshine that accompanies so many of your posts cheers me up.
You are sunshine Kathryn. I just wanted to tell you x
Velvet