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Hi kathryn
How often we worry about thumthing and it is not ath bad ath you thought it was going to be – said she who hath juth been to the dentist and can’t drink anything without pouring it down her front.
V
Hi Kathryn
I am glad that you are back and looking for support at an unsettling time for you – it shows how far you have come in yur recovery and is not a reflection on any lack of trust in it – you are using the tools.
I suspect that peace has entered your life over the gamble-free years and this coming month threatens confrontation. I cannot ‘do’ confrontation and avoid it whenever possible so I do understand I think you are worried that you are not in a good place because of a cigarette and a few too many drinks and that bad things from your past could come and bite you, so I hope to see you posting regularly.
If confrontation comes my way I do not have an addiction eager to destroy mhy life, cigarettes are definitely a thing of the past and I haven’t ever answered a problem with a drink yet – which I hope doesn’t make me sound thoroughly prissy . it doesn’t mean that confrontation doesn’t do things to my head and my heart that really hurt me.
You are starting a new job and leaving a job behind. Your boss and those you work with will possibly feel you are thinking you can do better than them. They might well say cruel things, blame you for any failures within the system because they are stuck in the job, whereas you have made a different choice. You are not moaning – you have taken a golden opportunity for ‘you’ to be happier. As a CG I think you could take things more personally but any backlash will be about them – not about you. The dragonfly is leaving the pond and wants to fly free – great.
Never forget, if there is a backlash, that you have made a choice to be happier and in one small month you will be gone – they won’t be. Keep the goal in site, take one day at a time and the month will pass.
Don’t just ‘think’ that one dollar in a machine will be all it takes to activate your soul destroying addiction – ‘know’ it. Cigarettes are one thing – gambling is another. Watch the drink because it lowers your inhibitions and can remove barriers that you have taken such care to erect.
To maintain trust in yourself – keep talking as the month progresses – watch your behaviour and don’t take the problems of others on to yourself.
You do know what you think Kathryn – so listen to yourself and stay close to the site. I will look for you every day.
Velvet
Hi Larry
Adding my thoughts and prayers. I hope all is well with you and look forward to an update soon
Velvet
Dear Kathryn
Well Bali it isn’t – but I am off to Normandy in France for two weeks on Friday and I am not taking my laptop.
I just wanted to catch up with you because I know I am going to miss your birthday but I will have a cocktail (or 2 or 3) that night to mark the occasion. I will even try and invent my own and call it ‘inspiration’ after you. I will let you know if it works! If it doesn’t I will drink it all the same and toast you with it.
So no dipping my sylph like body (thank goodness for cyber space) body into a pool or being waited on hand and foot but for me a holiday with my husband, a friend and my dog sounds just great. I will just let life take over.
I hope you have a wonderful birthday and that Dames looks after you – I will be in my second week and not looking forward to coming home – I never do. At least I know that many members in ‘My Journal’ will be gamble-free and that will be good to come back to.
I hope the parties go well.
As Ever
V
Hi Larry
I can think of nothing nicer than sitting down beside you for dinner to celebrate your 3rd anniversary. Actually I can – sitting opposite you because the one thing we do not have on this site is the ability to look into each other’s eyes and I would like to do that. I am sure I would see such empathy in a man who has lived a life and then fought like a lion to live a better life.
I cannot think of an appropriate Roy song to be playing in the background as his songs are so usually about something lost and I think this meal would be for us to talk about everything gained.
We could talk more personally because like you I try to keep my personal life separate although it obviously affects everything I say, as does your life.
I would order macaroni cheese as it is my favourite food and it would be easy to eat, leaving more time to talk.
Sadly we must dine in cyber space but the dream is a nice one. Fortunately and happily your recovery is not a dream and your thread is a wonderful reality.
I am not sorry I missed ‘the’ day as every day is equally important and any day we sat down together would be just as wonderful.
Thank you for being you Larry – it is a pleasure and a joy to ‘know’ you and I am proud to be someone you would like to sit beside.
I have read this through and there is nothing to delete – so here it is – from me to you
As Ever
Velvet
Hi AJ
Groups of people will always vary and one week can be so dissimilar to the next. I hope you will go again, maybe others will be there. The other person who was there must have been glad to see you – did you find support in each other. Did you have literature to help you make the most of each other. If not, contact GA and ask for some. Meetings are best structured – chatting to another who understands can help but structure produces positive thinking and action.
The group that I went to was thriving but I owe my salvation to just one woman – she was the right person, with the right words and experience and she started me on my road to recovery. If only that one woman had been there when I went I could not have asked for better.
It is, I believe, a fact that the non-CG living with an active CG does think about the addiction every minute of the day because it is an invasive and corrosive addiction. It is something that you can change and change deliberately. The non-CG brain, I think, spends a lot of time in the ‘why’s and ‘wherefores’ of yesterday and the ‘what ifs’ of tomorrow. I cannot tell you what to do but I do believe that when we learn to deal with ‘today’ and make time for ourselves ‘just for today’ we make progress.
I think it is good that you are having an attorney draw up the contract you mention and I am glad that you are taking legal advice as your business is so closely involved with your husband. You are being practical when you handle your situation like this and that is good for ‘you’. What is good for you is ultimately good for your husband.
It is easier to say that a life and a job are irrevocably entwined and in a mess than it is to take them separately and deal with them. Business and work are one thing, your home life, your mental state, your children are another. I think you have taken a big step by dealing with one piece of the giant jigsaw that is ***** fragmented and daunting in front of you. Continue as you are doing and take one piece at a time and when you have put that one piece in it’s place, take another, continue on until you can see the whole picture clearly. When we allow ‘everything’ to worry us we become engulfed – keep going as you are.
Has your husband ‘found’ his GA yet?
As Always
Velvet
I do – but you are not saying anything
Hi AJ
You are not a burden. I have lived with the addiction to gamble and I know it’s terrible capabilities but I also know that I will never live with it active in my life again.
With that knowledge I hope to take your burden from you because I have learned how to lay it down.
I am glad that you have said that you love your husband – it is a question I often ask. It means I know the route you need to take for you to survive while you support him.
I hope your support group is good.
I am glad that you have found us too
Velvet
Hi AJ
I wrote a long reply to you earlier but I was not happy with it and in retrospect I am glad I saw your latest post first.
In answer to one point in your previous post – I took my CG to GA – because if I had not done so he would not have gone. I ultimately took my CG to the rehab because if I had not done so, he would not have gone. By doing these things I was not enabling him but setting myself up for my future. If he made the effort I would support him. Your husband doesn’t want to find the GA group because he is probably afraid
It is frustrating when it feels as though the only way for a CG to clear debts is through joint monies.
You have decided to put your heart into helping him recover and I will keep my replies to you with that in mind.
Anger is fine, anger is normal; anger is there for a reason. Controlling and channelling that anger by turning it into energy for you is good. I hope that by remembering that the addiction likes your anger because it gives it an excuse to gamble will help you express it in a different way. Let him know that you are seeking help, that you need support, that his addiction has hurt you but try and say it without anger. Compulsive gambling is a selfish addiction and you need to be selfish in your recovery.
Your husband has relied on you for everything and that includes enablement. Taking responsibility for his behaviour is the second stage of his recovery after acceptance of his addiction.
I cannot stress enough that the best way to support a CG is to look after yourself. It is foreign behaviour to most non-CGs who tend to be the caring, trusting, loving ones but it is essential, in my opinion, that you look after you and don’t allow yourself to be a victim of this addiction because as a victim you are impotent. Put yourself first and you will be the mom your kids deserve. Don’t let the addiction hurt your work because that is for you and ‘you’ cannot afford to let it fall apart. The stronger you are the more the addiction struggles.
If your husband wants to control his addiction then the greatest support you can give is to be strong and not be part of the wreckage he will have to face.
Keep posting.
Velvet
Hi Nutch
It would be good to hear from your again. Once you are on our radar we do care.
Thinking about you
Velvet
Hi Bonkers
Your music collection sounds great. I hope it includes many Roy Orbison, Billy Fury, Elvis and Buddy Holly.
The sweetest music comes from listening to recovery though and I love hearing it.
How long have you been married? Best wishes to you and your wife on this occasion which you will ‘both’ justly deserve.
I’m glad you got the job – it is a relief to hear that an employer still want someone who is Bonkers in their employment – gives me hope.
Velvet
Hi Lorraine
It has been good for me getting to know and understand you better – non-CGs need to progress too. I long ago gave up on perfection which actually would probably be very boring.
I love your post – apart from saying the dog didn’t ***** – my dog told me to put that bit in!
I look forward to hearing how another gamble-free year goes, although today is all that matters.
I don’t think that accepting you have an addiction is shameful – I find it courageous.
I look forward to hearing more and understanding more about you
VelvetHi SJ
Your post made me smile. Your positivilty sounds in good working order.
Well done
Velvet
Hi Aj
I don’t be***ve it is possible to move on as though nothing has happened as a great deal has happened. It is important to gain from the knowledge and experience and not lose more than you have already lost. Moving on with knowledge will make things different for you and that help you cope.
Your husband tells ***s to protect his addiction and as time has gone on, his ***s would have become more and more fanciful. I cannot tell you what to do but I think it is best to not trust anything he says because he cannot trust himself.
Every *** he has told to cover unacceptable behaviour has built upon a previous ***. After years of ***** the CG(compulsive gambler) is so riddled with ***s that truth is totally lose – your husband’s ***s have become his truth and it is all he he remembers. It is the addiction at work which has drastically changed his reality to fit his personal perception and it is extremely sad for him as well as you.
We have discussed telling children in our Friends and Family topic forum (just below this forum), please have a look at it and perhaps write in it – you will be answered. I think it would be better for you to gain as much knowledge as you can before you can make your informed decision for ‘your’ children.
Does your husband accept that he has a serious addiction? Does he want to control his addiction and if so what has he done so far towards getting help for himself?
Your husband’s head is messed up but your marriage does not have to be. In my opinion, it is better to sit tight and learn as much as you can, until you are ready to make ‘your’ informed decision on what you want to do with your life. To do this you need to regain your confidence and self-esteem, which is in your power alone to do. Your husband is like a 4th child. For a long time you will have been bringing your ‘4’ children up and you
have managed because you are stronger than your husband, as you are not controlled by an addiction.
Is your husband’s work ******* up in your businesses? It is important for a CG to accept their debts from their behaviour and to rectify them without enablement from another. Obviously if your husband is being paid out of your business this is more difficult.
You are already doing well by removing your husband’s access to money. Cash to a CG is the same as giving an ********* a drink. Unfortunately you cannot make your husband stop gambling – he ***** the right support and it is to be found on this site and in GA. Dedicated addiction counsellors and other CGs who are living their lives in control of their addiction will understand your husband and support him.
It is important to realise that your husband’s addiction is not your fault and not his either. Neither of you deserve what has happened to you. It is ‘you’ that you can look after and it is ‘you’ that you need to look after. Every day make sure you do something for yourself.
As Monique has said – anger is so understandable but it wears you out. Don’t threaten your husband unless you are 100% sure that it is what you want. His addiction is the master of manipulation and if you don’t carry out a threat the addiction sees it as a weakness and a green light to carry on.
It is not the professional way but many of us have separated the addiction from our loved one as a coping mechanism. When you talk to your husband, it is good to imagine his addiction as a slavering beast in the corner waiting to leap out if you threaten it. When the addiction sees anger, threats, pleading it comes between you and you and distorts what you say and the twisted rep***s you recieve are the addiction talking. Keep that addiction in the corner, confuse it by not behaving as it expects. It will always be looking for a reason to blame you.
I will wait for your rep***s and then talk further
Velvet
Hi Aj
Well done on starting your thread. I didn’t mean for you to leave the group when I mentioned it – I just wanted you to know it was there. The F&F groups are always there for you and you will always be welcome.
I wanted to tell you that I have heard you and nothing you have written surprised me. I want you to know you are among those who understand you as others cannot.
I wouldn’t be writing on here if I did not know that this addiction can be controlled but for the moment it is you that concerns me. Knowledge of the addiction will help you cope more fully.
Below this forum is our Friends and Family Topic forum which helps us focus on different aspects of our involvement with the addiction and I hope it will help you – maybe you could to add to it. Everthing will be replied to.
Keep posting and reading and you will find your energy again and renew your confidence and self-esteem.
Protect all your finances as much as you can in your own name. Tell him you are seeking support and it is here for him too – on our helpline, in ‘My Journal’ forum and in the CG groups. The helpline is there for you too.
I am sorry this is so short but I have visitors arriving any minute but I will write again soon
You have already done something positive towards your recovery by coming here
Velvet