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Dear Bella
Please keep writing and saying it just as it is for you. Unfortunately Gambling Therapy does not cover the UK but gamcare.co.uk does. Write you story and don’t hold back. You are a unique and special person who has been hit over and over again by a debilitating and terrible addiction that you do not deserve.
If your husband is attending GA he should be giving you something in return for your support. Recovery for a CG is really hard and the only way is often very selfish but if he is giving you nothing then I think he is not listening in his meetings.
If there is a Gamanon, please join it. You are in need of support and physically holding the hand of another who understands can be so therapeutic. Writing is therapeutic – you have had the courage to write on this site and I am so sorry that I am unable to support you as I would like to. Gather your courage up again one more time and write again.
Your husband has not deliberately hurt you – you are not to blame in any way. Neither of you asked for or wanted the addiction to gamble.
Your husband should not be directing anger at you if he is working his recovery – maybe you could ask him to talk to his meeting about ‘your’ feelings and his behaviour towards you.
The support he is getting should not include any settling of his gambling debts. Part of his recovery should be taking responsibility for his debts.
If he really does want to stop gambling maybe he could approach the Gordon Moody Association rehab – you can find details lower down on this forum page. This site is funded to offer support to those who go through the GMA programme and also their families.
You can get through this Bella – your children need you to be strong. Knowledge of the addiction to gamble will give you power over it. I appeciate you felt you could depend on your husband but you have always been the stronger without realising it. He is controlled by an addiction and is therefore weaker.
Don’t give up seeking help – it is there for you. You are understood, you are not alone. You are not being rejected, you are being redirected and you will find support.
Velvet
Dear Bonkers
As long as you keep that moon up there for the stragglers to see you will be a beacon in a dark night – even if a strange colour. I have never been to Blackpool, wet or dry but it sounds worth a visit if only to see that blue Moon and a Bonkers special person enjoying his life.
I love to hear there is a spring in the step of the ex res and look forward to news of the February reunion – I only wish I could be there. So much optimism and courage all together in one place. I’m not sure I can match that apart from country dancing on Monday evenings where optimism reigns that I ‘might’ get the right step and courage for when I hear my name yelled again as I grab the wrong partner – who probably will need more courage than me!
I am glad you have passed the one year mark – I know it is just one day but I am delighted to congratulate you and say how proud it makes me to read about your success. In case you are wondering why I should be proud, as the success is yours, I find I am proud of each and every CG who turns their life around. As a non-CGs I cannot know how I would have dealt with the addiction if I had owned it. I would like to think I would have had the courage that you and my CG have shown. As it is I only admire from the sidelines those who take the leap of faith and join in with the happiness that control brings.
I wrote this last night and forgot to post it – not sure what that says about me!
Your posts are a pleasure Bonkers
V
Hi Ell
I am glad you realised the session ended and I had not closed the door on you.
I do understand what you mean. It is a wonderful image that we have that a woman will be ******* up, loved, cherished and protected by a man but it is difficult for a man to be able to live up to this image – especially if he is, through no fault of his own, the owner of a terrible addiction.
I grew up to be very independent and strong willed. (This is a part of me looking at myself by the way). I had a very definite idea of how life should be lived and that honesty played a big part in that life. I expected in return for the love and trust I gave to be loved and trusted in return. I had not reckoned on an addiction to gamble, turning my world upside down, making me feel a weak-willed victim.
However (and this is where I really dig) it is very difficult for a man to ‘look after’ a woman who is strong willed and independent, who bounces back from sadness and problems and gets on with her life. Not everybody can bounce back and certainly the addiction to gamble is not on elastic, it is not something from which anybody can bounce back.
I think in the world we live in now, it is far more difficult for the man to be the protector.
I don’t hear that all is ruined for you. I do hear that you have had a major set-back but you are strong and you will survive.
Compulsive gamblers are emotionally immature Ell and you have always been strong. You were looking for an emotional maturity that your husband could not give – yet. To fight the addiction to gamble and to succeed in controlling it takes a tremendous maturity and strength. Your husband can gain from this struggle and reach a maturity he did not have before. He will be able to protect you as you want but not yet.
Of course you did not want this to happen – none of us wanted this to happen in our lives. Why is happens is unknown. You have stood up to many challenges before and you will stand up to this one. Please understand that your husband is weaker than you because his addiction controlled him but he can grow and blossom and be the person you want him to be and he will do easier and quicker if you can support him.
I hope this helps but please come back if it doesn’t.
Velvet
I should have known. It was said on the news that a cold snap was promised before the weekend and here you are.
Somehow ‘ever predictable’ and ‘Frozen’ does not go together.
I cannot begin to tell you how pleased I am to read that ‘life is better’.
I am healthy – and happier for hearing from the Ice-Man. (please note – i resisted saying Ice-Age!)
Welcome back – are you staying longer this time?
Velvet
Hi Bella
The post that you have written is indeed a sad one and I can understand why this thread resonates with you but we are all different here and we all need to hear different things at different *****. I think we need to focus on the positives here and our main positive on this thread is the support we offer to each other.
I do of course wish you well
Velvet– 09/01/2013 17:18:00: post edited by Velvet.
Dear Ell
Grieving hurts but passes.
I don’t know if your husband loves you but I do know there is nothing he can do to prove it to you unless you can give him time.
It is the fault of his addiction that you are where you are – an addiction he didn’t want and didn’t ask for.
Trust takes time – a long time but I ‘know’ it can be renewed.
You are doing so well. I hope you can soon be as proud of you, as I am.
V– 08/01/2013 19:08:36: post edited by Velvet.
Hiya May
Welcome to Gambling Therapy. Sorry the welcome took so long in coming but I have been unwell and trying to write when one’s brain is not in gear is not a good idea.
You wanted to hear success stories and I am privileged to say I have heard and seen many. My CG has been in recovery for years and going from strength to strength so I ‘know’ the addiction to gamble can be controlled or I would not be writing to you.
Gamanon didn’t suit you but the fact that you tried it shows openness on your part to understand and that is important. Knowledge of the addiction to gamble helps us cope with it.
You have already achieved a lot by keeping the lines of communication open and learning not to shout. You certainly don’t deserve to have the addiction to gamble in your life but then nor does your husband. What seemed an innocent pastime to him and his family has turned into a nightmare for you all – which is typical of this secretive, corrosive addiction.
I accept that you say that you are staying in the marriage to give the children a stable childhood. Maybe you might like to look in our F&F topic forum (the next forum down) where we focus on issues, one of which is called ‘What can I Tell my Children?’ Three mothers who love CGs have made entries and maybe they will help. if you pose any thoughts there I will answer you on your thread.
I’m afraid the steady drip of information on debts is typical of the addiction. The CG believes the non-CG will take smaller pieces and deal with them gradually and easier as they are afraid of the reaction, whereas the non-CG would rather know the whole picture so that they can make informed decisions. I hope your husband’s therapist has got him to tell you everything now.
Gamanons vary – they are made up of people and people vary from one week to the next. It is good to get physical support but I do know that many F&F members have found their recovery just using this site.
Your husband believed he was cured. Hopefully, he knows now that he cannot be cured but he can control his addiction and he can live a wonderful life – often more special because of the terrible experience he has had to the courage to face. He can turn the terrible experience into something good – I have seen it and heard it happen many *****.
Likewise I believe that those who love CGs can turn their lives around and live better lives for experiencing this addiction. It does take courage but it can be done.
In this forum we offer support without judgement and whatever you decide you will be understood. We have Friends and Family Groups that are private, where we communicate in real time – nothing said in a group appears on the forum. You will be very welcome to join us – the ***** are in the top right hand box of this forum page.
You seem a positive person and you are looking after your finances. The greatest damage, however is to our self-esteem and confidence so it is important in our recovery to find the strength to do the best we can for ourselves. As victims of the addiction we are powerless but with knowledge we can learn to care about ourselves which is the best thing for children and ultimately for the CG. The greater the wreckage created by the addiction the harder it is for the CG to come to terms with and take responsibility for)what his behaviour has caused. Whatever your outcome, it will be better for you all if your husband stays gamble-free and seeing you coping will help him do that. The greatest revenge you can have on the addiction to gamble is to be happy.
I look forward to hearing from you again but will leave it there for now
Well done on starting a thread
Velvet
Hi Crossroads
Gain as much knowledge as you can about the addiction to gamble and you will be able to make informed decisions because nobody can (or should) tell you what to do. Part of your recovery will be realising that ‘you’ have control of your life, that you have choices and that you are free to make decisions.
Unfortunately you cannot make your partner stop gambling – only he can do that. If he is really wanting to control his addiction there is a terrific rehab in England, details of which you can find lower down the GT forum page under GMA residential treatment Q&A.
You did so well writing your first post and I am really sorry I did not see it earlier because I know how difficult the first post is – but having put your worries down, please don’t be afraid to open up once more. I am really sorry to tell you that Gambling Therapy does not receive funding to cover the UK but gamcare.co.uk will support you. Please copy, paste and re-post in gamcare.co.uk who can walk with you further than this site is allowed to do.
Your partner did not ask for, nor want, his addiction anymore than you but you are stronger than your partner because you are not controlled by an addiction. Support him by looking after yourself – your recovery is so important because the addiction to gamble which is a secretive, corrosive and divisive will take you down with it, if you allow it.
I am not rejecting you but re-directing you – I do understand only too well all that you have written and I do wish you well.
Velvet
Happy Birthday Nelly
VelvetHi Mis
I’m sorry you haven’t managed to make it into a group yet – I feel it would be better if we could communicate in private.
I would like you to be reasured that the Gordon Moody Association do not state that the actions of a CG are the responsibility of anyone other than the CG – regardless of the wider situation.
We do have another F&F group tomorrow night at 9pm – I hope to speak to you then.
Our helpline is there for you or you can email in by clicking ‘Email Us’ at the top of this forum page.
Velvet
Hi Dadda
I’m afraid it is going to take a lot of shaking up of governments to get the ‘truth out there’ but my opinion is that while you are still in the middle of the maelstrom it is more important that you look after you than try and change the world at the moment.
You could indeed be sitting in a loony bin or taking ***** for a condition you don’t have because your life included a gambling addict – I am exceedingly glad you are doing neither of those things. The emotional wreckage, I believe, is far greater than any financial loss and it is that which we address in this forum.
Alcoholics fall over and **** addicts have their addiction showing in their spaced out eyes but the addicted gambler shows nothing. We can walk past them, meet them at social gatherings and talk with them everyday of our lives and not know. Yes it is scary but it does make it difficult, for those who are not aware, to understand.
The CG also is scared and does not understand why they are different – they fight their way through their turmoil using their addiction because that is the nature of the addiction – the pain they inflict is not done deliberately or meant personally.
I can only deal with those who seek support, probably having been pulled down to a very dark place, long before they reach this forum. I cannot give you the money you lost to the addiction – I can only help you understand the addiction and why you have found yourself in the situation you are in. In my way I am trying to get the truth out there because everyone who visits this forum can open their eyes and take themselves out of the abyss emotionally. I know I will not change the world.
When you are recovered, with your self-esteem and confidence returned, maybe you can do something to make a difference legally where you are – you obviously have the intelligence to do so and the hungriness to succeed.
You are talking to the converted here but I cannot tackle the courts or law-makers – I can only talk to you and help you understand that what has happened to you was not your fault or your husbands. I hope to help you understand that the greatest revenge on the addiction to gamble is for you to be happy because the most important weapon in the hands of an oppressor is the mind of the oppressed.
You are now divorced and there is a freedom in that but there is a greater freedom and that is to realise that you do not have the addiction. Your ex-husband is not a free man – he is controlled – you are not.
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent so take the miserable experience you have had and turn it into something good – I believe you can but only when you have had time to build your strength up. You are not a patsy – you are an intelligent woman who has experience something she did not know existed. Now you are aware you can remove yourself from its shadow but please give yourself time.
You have used our Topic Forum and you have used it well. There is a topid called Wounded Healer. It is my belief we can damage ourselves and others if we try to heal before we are healed.
Financial devastation is well known in this forum and in the CG forum but it is the emotional devastation that we can deal with and nobody can do it for us. We are in to a New Year with new beginnings and you have a new beginning. I hope you do benefit financially from the sale of your home but having read your posts I am sure you will go forward emotionally, knowing you are neither crazy nor a nag. As you grow stronger, finding out about you and liking yourself maybe you can get some ‘truth out there’.
Velvet
Hi Cat
What a wonderul post. Now you can definitely say that yesterday is history. Enjoy the gift of today – well done, I knew you could do it. Foget ******** and go for a gamble-free ‘life’ and find the inner happiness that the addiction denies you. I’ve seen it Cat, I know it exists.
Velvet
Hi Kathryn
I read your post last night and saw it was more about you than your husband, although I was really narked that your husband is being so bloomin’ thoughtless and unkind. If he isn’t compulsive he is certainly showing extremely poor taste in his choice of pleasure.
I am relieved to today to hear the positivity in today’s post. I am glad you appreciate how hard you have worked and how much you deserve more than this. You and your gamble-free life are far too important to risk because of the selfishness of another.
Has he ‘any’ idea of what you have been through – it doesn’t sound like it?
I have told you before that I will never gamble again on anything and not because my CG asked me not to. He has always said that he has no problem with other people gambling who can walk away but accepts that he cannot. I want to stand shoulder to shoulder with such a person.
I have an uncomfortable thought that maybe your husband might want you back on the roller–coaster of addiction. When I was in Gamanon, some people said they ‘missed’ the gambler once their loved one had gone into recovery and personally I could have throttled them. I appreciate that I don’t know your husband and I may be off the mark but I found in those I heard who wanted the return of the person in recovery to the person with the active addiction to be lacking. I admired their CGs working their socks off down the corridor and I felt an immense sorrow that they were not getting the support they deserved.
You know I cannot tell you what to do but I hope you can be incredibly strong with this and let your husband know that his behaviour is at the very least selfish and borders on the cruel and nasty which could, if he is not careful, result in the breakdown of his relationship with you.
Don’t worry about the job not being up to expectations at the moment, you have enough on your plate and you can get another. Marriages are not so easy to change but by crickey I think your husband has some changing to do.
I’m in your corner and I know it is packed. His corner must be sadly lacking. When the bell rings – just give me 5 minutes with him!
Take care of you Kathryn – you are very precious to so many on this site
V
Hi Special Person
I am glad you have pulled yourself up by your bootstraps and are back walking on the right road – the detour didn’t sound too hot.
I am not a fellow gambler as you know but I sure hope to be walking beside you every day again, as a fellow traveller who cares.
The others have said things to you so much better than I can say. I just wanted to add that you are still an inspiration to me; you are still the Larry I have met in this forum, holding the lamp high so that others can see the potholes in the road.
It is really, really great to see you posting again – hold tight to all those who care about you, on this site and in GA – but above all to your own fantastic principles.
VelvetHi kathryn
How often we worry about thumthing and it is not ath bad ath you thought it was going to be – said she who hath juth been to the dentist and can’t drink anything without pouring it down her front.
V