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Hi BB
It is common for an active CG to be***ve they are in control and sadly it is only those who are looking on who realise they are not.
This is not the professional way of dealing with you son’s addiction but many of us have used this method and found it helped in communication. Imagine your son’s addiction as a slavering, vicious beast in the corner of the room when you talk to him. When you don’t threaten his addiction, hopefully he can hear you. When you threaten the addiction it leaps between you and from that moment on your son only hears the distorted addiction and not your words. In turn, you only hear the the ***s, the manipulation and deceit of the addiction and it can be very loud and very nasty.
The addiction is the master of manipulation and empty threats from the non-
CG are like a green light to it. Whatever you say you must be prepared to carry out.
I expect you have found yourself in the middle of an argument and not been sure how you got there – if you have it was undoubtedly caused by the addiction that thrives on confrontation. Your son’s addiction causes him to feel a failure and worthless, so when you say you love him and you are trying to help him, his addiction is saying – don’t be***ve them, they don’t understand, you are worthless but if you indulge me – I will give you what you want.
You are fighting an unseen enemy but I be***ve that by giving it a persona we learn to tackle it differently and confuse it.
Your son’s addiction is a secretive addiction that creeps up by stealth. When he first gambled, he probably won. It was a sociable thing to do, after all many people do it and have fun. He couldn’t know that, for him, addiction was waiting. Unfortunately by the time it is recognised it has done its damage and only the right treatment will help the CG control it.
I would imagine you are feeling very lost and weak in the face of this problem. Know that you do not own the addiction to gamble and therefore you are stronger than your son who is controlled.
First posts are always about the CG and never about those who love them. Coping is hard but important because when we crumble the addiction wins and we are powerless. It is important that you stay strong and united; sharing with family members or those he might seek enablement from is often good. It is impossible; I think, to know what it is like to live with the addiction to gamble, unless you have been there, so often those we turn to offer opinions that do not help. I be***ve it is good to get knowledge and then to tell others as a statement rather than a question. Support is good however, (although not always possible) among his siblings.
Your son’s addiction will have made him emotionally immature. Just as a child, caught out doing something it should not, your son will have **** to cover up his addiction. Every time he was caught or accused he would *** again and the ***s can be very elaborate. Every *** added to his distortion until his memory became befuddled and his ***s become his truth.
I would not be writing on here if I did not know that this addiction can be controlled and wonderful lives lived out as a result but the early days of learning feel pretty doom laden as you try and make sense of the senseless – but there is plenty of hope or I would not be here. I think that maybe it is better not to try and make sense of the senseless. I don’t be***ve we can ever know what it is like to own an addiction.
Your son cannot show remorse and possibly feels none. His addiction will have moved on from whatever damage he has caused because to admit to the wreckage would be to take responsibility for his behaviour and he is not ready to do that yet.
Your son is not deliberately hurting you. As his parents, you are the closest to him and the ones from whom he will hope for the most enablement. My CG has told me that as long as I enabled he couldn’t help me understand because to do so would have stopped his enablement.
As your son is familiar with GA – has he seen the 20 questions? They are often an eye-opener to a CG.
The chances are (and I am not judging) that your son has not stopped over the past several years but the addiction is getting stronger and less easy to hide. Was the therapist a dedicated addition therapist? Did he go to GA for you or because he thought he had a problem?
Compulsive gambling has nothing to do with money. It is the most common misunderstanding for F&F. We understand money and feel this is the crux of the problem but the only thing that matters to a CG is the gamble. I will bring up my thread entitled ‘The F&F Cycle’ along with this post. It might help, it has been a while since I first wrote it.
Gambling causes the CG to drastically alter reality to fit personal perception. To combat this distortion we often have to throw the book of good parenting out of the window. Personally I think the exceptional book of parenting makes better reading. I cannot tell you what to do but I know it is unwise to treat all your children the same. It is enabling to give cash to a CG child, bail that child out when it is in debt or cover for that child when they should be taking responsibility. From what I have read you are already doing the right thing with regard to protecting yourselves and that is good.
Dear BB – all I have written is tough and I appreciate that it is hard to take in – it took me months in Gamanon before I began to understand any of it and i am now about 7 years into my recovery.
I don’t do ‘what ifs’ or ‘if onlys’ they don’t help me or change my past one iota but I do be***ve that the sooner a family unites against this addiction the more hope there is for the CG. Above all else it is so important that you look after yourselves – this addiction will bring you all the way down if you allow it. Looking after you is the finest way you can look after your son. If he sees you collapsing as a result of his addiction he will gamble.
In ‘My Journal’ which is the CG forum above this one, there is a post that has recently been pulled up again to the top, which I think would be good for you to read. It is ‘Anniversary. by Colin in Brum. I hope it helps you understand.
There is an F&F group tomorrow at 22.00 UK time and I would be delighted to welcome you into it. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum and we communicate in real time.
Keep posting – writing is therapeutic and I will write more about that next time
Velvet
Hi Boots
You are not back where you were before – with knowledge the only way we can go back would be denial and you are not in denial.
I cannot tell you what to do but my thoughts are these. Whether or not he is in recovery should make little difference to you rebuilding a life where you have confidence in yourself and buckets of self-esteem.
Either way you cannot expect him to change if you don’t get those hiking boots back on and carry on striding down the road you were going which doesn’t take you away from him or towards him
The dumb conversation (which I am sure wasn’t dumb) came about when the parameter headings you had set yourself slipped and they do because desk surfaces are slippery.
What is he asking you to give? Nobody could expect anybody (I think), CG or not, to plan a wedding when there has been such a long separation, especially when it has not been the easiest of separations. If he wants answers from you, you cannot give them.
Of course he should not be telling you all manner of things that are wrong with you – but I do think it is good to listen as it gives an indication of his state of mind. You know what is true and what isn’t, so beating yourself up over a load of piffle is a waste of energy.
At the moment the future is unknown and all options are on the table. Informed decisions should only be made when you are ready.
He cannot, I think, give you the proof you want and would need before you entered a life-time commitment until you meet him again.
If he talked about you at his meeting, all the other members probably expected him to do so – CGs who are trying to recover, or in recovery, do not fall for the blame game from new members which is what they all probably did at the beginning. As a CG said to me a long time ago ‘you can’t kid a kidder’. They don’t sit there accepting everything a new member says but they allow the member to speak. My CG blamed me for at least the first 3months when he was in rehab. It mattered not to me. I wasn’t there but the people who were there allowed him to work out that I was not to blame.
If he is in GA and he is working the 12 steps and not paying lip service he will change and maybe you will get to see that change when you speak to him.
I will leave it there because I know I will see you in a group soon where there is total privacy.
Get those boots on again and get walking. Visit more friends, take up more activities. Do the things you want to do. Prop up the barrier headings again by your computer. We will speak soon.
Velvet
Hi BB
Welcome to Gambling Therapy. You are in the right place and among those who understand.
Nothing you have said surprises me.
Knowledge of the addiction to gamble will give you power over it. Lack of remorse and lies are symptomatic of the addiction.
I know only too well how much you want to convince him that he is taking the wrong path and that his addiction will only bring him misery and failure.
It is late here for me but I wanted to let you know your post has been read and that I will support you for as long as you want me to. I will write tomorrow at greater length and hopefully cast some light for you into the dark corners of your son’s addiction.
Well done on starting your thread – the first post is the hardest.
If you should read this before I get a chance to write again perhaps you could tell me how your son dealt with his addiction when he stopped before. Is he in a lot of debt?
You have spoken as couple in your post which is great. The addiction to gamble is divisive and the best thing for your son is your unity on all matters that relate to his addiction. You are not to blame for your son’s addiction and your son did not ask for it or want it either.
You might like to have a look at our Friends and Family topic forum which is below this forum. In it we focus on specific issues and there may be things there for you that will support you. Please join in on any of the issues – it helps me know the things that are uppermost in your minds, although given time I hope to support you with all of your concerns.
I will write again tomorrow
Velvet
Hi Jay
Doesn’t sound to me like you cried like a big girly – sounds like you wept like a man. It takes a man to come and write as you have done and I just wanted to say I am glad you did.
VelvetПривет неконтролируемый
Пора перестать чувствовать себя жалким. Пока вы не перестанете чувствовать это, у вас не будет необходимой силы. Выздоровление – эгоистичный путь, и самоубийство никому не помогает.
У вас действительно особенная женщина, и ее слова не причиняли боли. У нее будет много взлетов и падений в течение некоторого времени, поскольку то, что вы ей сказали, проникает внутрь. Она также, вероятно, обнаружит, что, когда она попытается получить поддержку, ее не поймут – я считаю, что только те, кто живет с этим зависимость может действительно понять, на что это похоже, точно так же, как только компьютерная графика может полностью понять другую компьютерную графику.
Было бы здорово увидеть ее в группе, где ее поймут, и она сможет задать любые вопросы и получить честные, поддерживающие, непредвзятые ответы.
Прощение приходит намного позже, и это то, что она должна дать, когда для нее наступит подходящий момент, потому что ее выздоровление тоже должно быть эгоистичным. Когда я дал его, моя компьютерная графика сказала, что он не просил об этом, но я знал, что для меня время пришло.
Вы, конечно, не должны описывать ****, через что вы оба прошли, но было ли этого **** достаточно для вас – только вы можете это решить. Ваша жена не может остановить вас от азартных игр. Она может научиться поддерживать вас, заботясь о себе.
Вы не шутка, и я не смеюсь. Вы мужчина с зависимостью, но это зависимость, которую вы можете контролировать. Поддержка здесь для вас. Поддержка здесь для вашей жены. Если она заговорит со мной, я больше не буду читать вашу ветку.
Я надеюсь, что вы скоро обновитесь, и я надеюсь, что вы прочитали ветку, которую Джорди снова вытащил в начало этого форума. Названный «Годовщина», это старая ветка Колина в Бруме, я не думаю, что кто-либо из нас мог бы дать вам больше стимулов поверить в себя в это время и изменить свою жизнь, чем этот замечательный пост.
Молодец, будучи честным со своей женой. Один день за раз.
Бархат
Hi Uncontrolled
It is time to stop feeling pathetic. Until you stop feeling so, you will not have the strength you need. Recovery is a selfish road and beating yourself up helps nobody.
You have indeed got a special woman and her words were not designed to hurt. She will have many ups and downs for quite a time, as what you have told her sinks in. She will also probably find that when she tries to get support she will not be understood – it is my belief that only those who live with this addiction can really understand what it is like, just as only a CG can fully understand another CG.
It would be great to see her in a group where she will be understood and she can ask any questions and receive honest, supportive, non-judgemental answers.
Forgiveness comes a lot later and it is something that is hers to give when the time is right for her because her recovery ***** to be selfish too. When I gave it my CG said that he wasn’t asking for it but I knew that for me the time was right.
You certainly do not have to describe the **** you both went through but was it **** enough for you – only you can decide that. Your wife can’t stop you gambling. She can learn to support you by looking after herself.
You are not a joke and I am not laughing. You are a man with an addiction but it is an addiction you can control. The support is here for you. The support is here for your wife. If she talks to me I will no longer read your thread.
I hope you update soon and I hope you read the thread that Geordie has dragged back up to the top of this forum. Entitled ‘Anniversary’ it is an old thread by Colin in Brum, I don’t think any of us could give you more incentive to believe in yourself at this time and change your life, than this wonderful post.
Well done on being honest with your wife. One day at a time.
Velvet
Hi B
I am glad you are back with us.
You are right of course that the amount your hb gambled matters not. As long as a CG gambles the damage to the mind continues. If he is ‘thinking about it’ that has to be better than not thinking about it at all. I hope to hear he does more than just think about it soon.
A good thread to read has recently been brought up to the top of the CG forum ‘My Journal’ – entitled ‘Anniversary’ by Colin in Brum. I think Colin’s post is worth translating for your hb.
It looks like we are leaving mother-in-law until we are in a group – pity about her denial. I think it is possible sometimes for parents to accept addiction and then later to deny it when they have wearied of it. I have certainly seen it with my friends and their obviously ********* daughter. They no longer communicate with me although at the beginning they couldn’t get enough information and support. It is their daughter I feel the most sorry for – their subsequent denial is doing her a great deal of damage.
I look forward to welcoming you into a group soon but in the meantime it is good that you are back with us on the forum
V
Hi Bettie
Sorry to hear all you health issues but glad that mentally you are doing so well.
I merrily slid down a road the other day with the antilock brakes going like jack hammers – it is quite nerve-racking. I remembered from previous years to take my foot of the brake and drive even though I was sliding – fortunately I got round a corner without mishap and stopped. I am now told that antilock brakes mean you do keep your foot on the brake!
At the moment the snow has gone so I intend to find out the truth before the next flurry of the white stuff.
I just wanted you to know I had popped in to see how you were doing and leave a note to say I had called.
Velvet