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Dear Ell
Just to let you know you are in my thoughts.
Velvet
Dear Mookie
In my opinion, an information session would be dangerous. I don’t know if your boyfriend is, or is not a CG but as his behaviour implies he is, then you are stronger than he. I believe, therefore, you should be the person he can trust to support him and not enable his addiction. I am not asking you to see things in black and white but you are living in the darkest of grey. I would not want to see you back again in a year with a child and a mortgage, your dreams of a future shattered and everything you own lost.
You say you are an ex-problem drinker – there is no ex-compulsive gambler – there is no cure for the addiction to gamble. I have heard many CGs calling poker a skill – it is their addiction talking. It is very sad but if he is a CG, that belief will ruin him and those around him- if they allow it to do so.
How long have you been with your boyfriend? How long has he been showing this addictive behaviour? You cannot stop him gambling – only he can do that. You can point him towards help and support, you can sow the seeds of recovery but the best thing you can do is look after you and not enable him in this behaviour.
I am very aware how good people can be addicted to gambling. I am very aware of the level of support that a CG ***** if they are to control their addiction. It takes a courage and strength to control this addiction and we as non-CGs cannot imagine how we would cope if we had it – we also ‘cannot’ know what it is like to own it however much information we get.
If your boyfriend is not willing to consider stopping then an information session where you show an interest could be a tipping point between what is possibly a serious problem or a full blown addiction – it would be as a green light to his addiction that you were willing to accept its power.
If you want to gamble on line then that is your choice and I cannot tell you what to do. I would hope that you would not do this with your boyfriend however, if you are able to walk away then that is good for you but from what you say he probably does not have that ability and I think that is one risk too many to take.
Read the posts in ‘My Journal’ and in this forum – all the information you need is here written in the tears of thousands.
Look after yourself Mookie.
Velvet
yes please
Hi Cat P Ican
I know the V mentioned isn’t me but please ***** me in the circle – I would like to support you all because I know you can do it and doing it together means you are aware that others are fighting with you. United you stand – together you stand.
Velvet
Dear Mookie
I don’t find your mind closed or judgemental – I think you have every right to be very concerned about your boyfriend. I think it would be worth your while downloading the GA – 20 questions which you can find in ‘Resources’ at the top of this page Click on to ‘Resources’ and in ‘Location’ scroll down to ‘world’. Click ‘Gambling help’ and then ‘Search’. Scroll down to ‘Gamblers anonymous – Twenty Questions’. Most compulsive gamblers will answer yes to at least seven of these questions. In my opinion most members who have lived with the compulsion to gamble will also be able to answer yes to at leave seven of those questions which hopefully will help you to ‘know’ what you are, or are not, dealing with.
Compulsive Gamblers are normally charming and lovely – it is their way to get the enablement they need to feed their addiction.
Unfortunately Gambling Therapy is not funded for the UK and although I appreciate how difficult it was for you to write this thread I am going to have to direct you to gamcare.co.uk for your support. Please cut and paste your post – you should talk about your situation further.
I believe that when you are in doubt with the addiction to gamble you should do nothing until you have knowledge of it because knowledge will give you power over it and help you make the informed decisions that are right for you.
Your boyfriend is very convincing but the addiction to gamble is the master of manipulation. There is in the UK a fantastic rehab, the details about which can be found below this forum in ‘GMA residential treatment Q&A’. You will possibly feel this is a bit too much for your boyfriend at this time but I mention it because it was where my CG went and changed his life. If in the future your boyfriend needed a signpost to recovery then knowing about the Gordon Houses will be good for you.
I do wish you well – below this forum we have a Friends and Family topic forum where we have focussed on different issues that affect those who love CGs – you are welcome to go through them and see if there is anything to help you.
I would not be writing on here if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled.
Gamanon, the sister group of GA is also available for Friends and Family of CGs. It was where I found my salvation.
Once again – I wish you well
Velvet
Dear B
Disappointed but I guess not surprised. He attempted to open their eyes but they chose to keep them shut – what an opportunity they had!
In Gamanon I met a couple who couldn’t get their heads round that they were not helping their son and they were back for their 6th year even though they had been given all the knowledge over and over again. I had no idea (or hope) that my CG would or could change at that time but I listened and opened my eyes so when he did talk I was able to understand so much more and most importantly to listen to what he said.
You are a positive in your husband’s life – you are the one he can trust. Parental feelings are not always unconditional love but …………….. maybe they need more time to think
V
Hi Silvia
I would be good to hear from you again. Once you have posted in this forum you are cared about.
Velvet
Hi Looby
I hope all goes well in Milton Keynes and I look forward to your update.
V
Hi B
Well done hb. You could be right that his addiction has been the most divisive part of your relationship with his parents – but as parents in denial of their part of enablement I think you need to keep your barriers up.
I know from friends that they hope that by ignoring their daughter’s addiction is will go away – in fact it doesn’t exist does it! They appear (on the surface) to be happily standing by, watching her with her new man because you never know perhaps it will be different this time! Unfortunately when she does go home there is always a bottle or two cracked open to celebrate and their daughter is an *********. Naïve to the nth degree but sadly, I think, not uncommon – they couldn’t see that they had to change. When I talk to the mother she tells me all the wonderful things her daughter is achieving – all told to her by her daughter, I just want to get away because I am sadly aware the daughter’s alcoholism is active and they are hurting her by not offering a safe haven that she can trust – she cannot talk to ‘them’. I was the one they turned to when they first found out their daughter had the problem, although they didn’t know that I had any idea about addiction. When I told them I had knowledge, they cried with relief and we spent hours together talking about how and why. Since that night it has never been mentioned again – in fact the conversation is strictly taboo and she never asks about my CG.
I am looking forward to hearing how your conversation went yesterday. I am hoping that it was calm and that your husband and you got the support you both need.
I suspect that whatever happens you will still need to keep a close eye on his mother, her controlling ways will be hard for her to change and she may think – why should she change when she has done nothing wrong, which is the hardest thing of all to accept.
I know you must be very proud of him but it is important not to over-praise. I learned this from my CG. He said that ‘praising him for doing the right and decent thing was not right – other people didn’t get praise for being ‘normal’. Praise comes in a different form I think with a CG – it comes in them realising that they can trust us and I know it hard for them to do so.
I like the fact his mother showed concern for you because you deserve it. It will be good to hear that in the cold light of another day they have accepted what they have been told and are acting appropriately.
Your FIL is one of a string of people I have heard say ‘I’ve always gambled but never had a problem’ and I always want to say ‘how jolly good you – unfortunately it is not so easy for others’. The friends I mentioned above like a drink, in fact quite a lot, so why can’t their daughter stop like they do? It is a long haul I think for those who love a CG to realise that unwittingly they could have enabled the problem and not been responsible. With knowledge, in my opinion, we owe it to a loved one to look at our own behaviour without thinking it is just them that has to change.
I hope all is well
V
w/b Bettie – glad all is well
VHi Bettie
I just wanted to say ‘hi’ and tell that whenever your thread title appears, the thought always spring into my mind ‘I’m glad you didn’t get that wish’.
Velvet
Hi Blue
Often the best way to win is not to keep the score. ‘One day and a time’ is achievable and you need achievement because it helps to see how it outweighs the misery of of your addiction.
What you have in your pocket in meaningless if you are going to allow your addiction to control what you do with it. It isn’t the money, it is what it does to your mind that hurts you, watching the horse race, dog race, checking the results – it all hypes your addition up and destroys any real pleasure in life you are capable of having.
Twilight has written a book that maybe you could read. It is called ‘Please Girl’ and is available on Amazon. Her threads are still in F&F and I know she would love to think she helped you on with your determination to control your addiction.
Gamcare.co.uk. now cover the UK for support with the addiction to gamble Blue. I hope you will make contact with them and continue your fight to control this addiction. Twilight’s book ‘Please Girl’ I think, I hope, will help you remove the blinkers that your addiction ***** you to wear, because without them you will truly see the damage you are inflicting on yourself. The site will always be here for you to read and those who have cared for you will continue to do so no matter what.
It is a strange to wish someone a rock bottom but I do. Rock bottom is in your mind – it isn’t losing all your possessions. Your addiction offers a copper-bottomed guarantee that you will lose possessions – that is not rock bottom. Rock bottom is ‘knowing’, not just thinking, that you are losing much more than a car, a meal, a home but that you really are losing ‘you’ when you don’t have to. It is ‘you’ that matters, not possessions or money which will never be yours as long as you don’t accept your addiction. Fight for you because you can win the greatest prize of all – your self-respect and confidence. Learn to love yourself more than a destructive addiction.
Trying to quit for 30 years is not the same as quitting. Quit the self-pity of thinking you are a failure when you are not – only your addiction is making you feel failure because that is what it does best. Come on Blue, do what you know is right for you. Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion – you must set yourself on fire first.
I know you can do it
How is the lovely Elvis – i hope he is getting his dinners?
Velvet
Hi Debbie
There is nothing more attractive than a person who is in love with their life and the direction it is going in. You are now exited by your life and I am not surprised that you have a suitor. You are also less likely to fall into a needy, controlling or manipulative relationship because you are no longer looking outside of yourself for your peace – you have found it inside ‘you’.
If the thought of living too close to Barry worries you, then it is not the right apartment for you. Don’t let your thoughts of him spoil your future though because it keeps you rooted in the person you were and not the person you are now. Forget and possibly forgive him – he is yesterday’s news.
Having said all that, please take your new relationship slowly. Don’t lose the independence and freedom that controlling your addiction has given you. Enjoy this friendship but look after Debbie – she is still vulnerable.
Although I found your counsellor a bit over the top, it is better that than pussy-footing around. I certainly didn’t hear a slip, more of another learning curve.
A Buddy is a special person and you deserve special things. Two bank accounts in the black sounds wonderful and as for savings – well – just keep it going, I love reading it.
It was good to see you in F&F.
V
Hi Andyo
Welcome to Gambling Therapy
There is an expression on this site – that if what you have been doing before has not changed a thing, then maybe it is time you did something different?
Today you have done something different by joining this site and I believe if you stick with it, reading, posting and joining groups you will get the support you want to live a gamble-free life.
You have recognised that you are in a cycle and you want it to stop. It certainly is never too late – but sooner rather than later has to be the best. I don’t do ‘what ifs’ or ‘if only’ – and there will certainly be less need of them in your life if you start your recovery today.
Learn about your addiction – knowledge will help you cope with it. If you test your addiction you are not accepting it, so a bet a week or two down the line is not your answer.
Please write more about yourself. I am not a CG (compulsive gambler) but you will soon have replies from those who are, who are seeking their recovery like you, or who have found it. I had just popped in and saw you had not had a reply yet, so I wanted to welcome you.
By starting your thread you have done the best thing for yourself. Keep posting. I hope to see you off your cycle and enjoying a gamble-free life soon.
Well done on your first post
Velvet