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Please no more. I am truly no angel. Thank you so much for you lovely words but your recovery is all I want to read – there can be no greater thank you than that.
Hi R
I cannot tell you what to do and I am not judging but threatening a CG is never good unless you mean and ‘know’ 100% that you are going to carry out that threat. The addiction your boyfriend owns, even though he neither asked for it nor wanted it, is the master of manipulation with lies and threats as two of its greatest weapons.
If you don’t think you can walk away, I really do understand but never make the threat again unless you mean it. His addiction will possibly see you falling back on your threat as a green light and you will have to be doubly careful.
In my opinion, lending money to an active CG is to enable his addiction. We have a topic on enablement in the Friends and Family Topic forum below this one. Giving money to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an ********* and you wouldn’t do that.
Compulsive gambling has nothing to do with money. Money is the thing that we, as non-CGs, see as the problem for a long time because we cannot understand what it is like to own the addiction. Money is a tool – it is not the goal – the goal is the ‘gamble’. A CG can also gamble with relationships, pushing them to their limits and sometimes destroying the person who loves them.
It is important that you do not allow this addiction to take you down with it. Realise that ‘you’ matter and your self-worth matters. Feeling like a push-over is what the addiction wants you to feel – don’t give the addiction what it wants. Do the things in life that please you and that you want to do – when we allow the addiction to control us we become like puppets, dancing to its tune.
I would never tell anyone to leave anyone or to stay – that is not for me to do. The more knowledge you have of your boyfriend’s addiction the greater you will be able to cope and then you can make your own informed decision.
Unfortunately Gambling Therapy is not funded to cover the UK. I am not rejecting you, I am re-directing you. I know how hard the first post is to write but if you can do so, please cut and paste it on the gamcare.co.uk who cover the UK. If your boyfriend accepts he has a problem and is willing to go in to the Gordon House programme you will both be welcome on this site. Details of the programme can be found lower down on this page under GMA residential treatment Q&A.
You have done well realising that you it would be better for you to seek help. Your boyfriend does need treatment and he can find it in GA, dedicated addiction counselling, Gamcare and in the Gordon House programme. They are all able to support you boyfriend as you and I could not.
wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know that this addiction can be controlled and decent wonderful lives lived as a result.
I wish you well
Velvet
Dear Ell
You are trying to be all things to all people and although you are one of the most amazing women I have had the honour to ‘know’ you are not super-human.
I have just opened my ‘Ell Box’. It is a delicate box packed with goodness, love and strength. There are 3 businesses in the box – they are demanding and need Ell’s attention. There is child in the box – a child who will grow to appreciate her wonderful mum but who also wants Ell’s attention now. There are in-laws in the box that are good people but a bit demanding. The most difficult thing in Ell’s box is a CG – one she loves and who loves her but who is not able, or ready yet, to give Ell the help and support she *****. There are ugly lies and debts in the box that are making it muddled and heavy to carry. There is a brother in the box who is kind and good and I am glad to see him there. There is silence in the box where there should be laughter.
It is a complicated box and one that I open with trepidation because although it is strong it is fragile. To me it is incredibly important that the box is protected, that the lies and the debts are taken out, making it easier to carry and leaving room for laughter.
I think dear Ell that there is nothing I could tell you that you do not already know – you have a capacity for understanding your husband and his addiction that leaves me awe-struck.
It is my belief that someone like you can and will come out stronger and that you will win. I believe you can handle your situation because you are doing it, you have done it and I think you will continue to do it. I think you need to pour out your feelings as you are doing but you need to know there are listening ears who understand.
I know you are not punishing your husband – I hope I didn’t imply that you were. I believe, as I think you do, that he feels he is being punished and he cannot see that this is the only way you can hold all your boxes together so you do not drop them.
I think you see your situation very clearly – your understanding of your husband’s addiction is terrific – his understanding of you is not but he can learn.
I can only offer you my ears, my thoughts and my earnest desire that you come through this valley of tears with your head up. Your husband has not betrayed you but you know that. Your silence is taking him further away and he is frightened but at the moment you cannot change that.
Is there a day during the week when you don’t work? Is there any time in your life for you? Is there one hour that you can sit and eat with your husband alone and communicate your feelings?
There is no ‘must’ about standing up Ell. I want you to stand up because you are a mature person but I want you to stand up for you first. CGs do lose their loved ones because they cannot cross the void between them that their addiction created – you do not ‘have’ to be the one that understands everything.
I want you to look after the person that is carrying my Ell Box. I will support you as much as I can but I want you to look after you.
If only it was so easy to open and shut the boxes in our lives. You need time for ‘you’ Ell. Keep writing your thoughts. Writing helped me close my boxes that had been splitting open and spilling out – making a terrible mess. I coped because I poured myself out in writing as you are doing. I never went back and read a word that I had written – the writing had done its job.
Some time ago I heard about a woman of 85 who had, had an unhappy life with her husband and he had ****. She was consumed by anger that he had hurt her so badly. She wrote all the things he had done to hurt her on pieces of paper then she took them to the top of a hill on a windy day, she read each one individually again and then screwed that piece of paper up and throwing it into the wind saying out loud ‘I am letting this memory go ’. When she had finished she went home and booked a holiday on a cruise ship and that was the last I heard of her.
I believe this is a true story but whether it is or not I think that writing pain down and then destroying the pages can give relief. I destroyed all the pages that I had written – I burnt some and shredded some. Your words are printed in this forum but you can lose them one day when you are ready. What you say in the group doesn’t leave the room. I also believe in saying things out loud to yourself, so that you can hear your thoughts – silence does not allow that you do this. Perhaps if you break your silence with yourself it will help you break it with your husband. Thoughts go round and round in our heads and I believe they need an outlet.
I hope somewhere in all this you may find something that will give you some support. Your husband’s addiction has hurt a very special person far too much – whatever you do I will understand.
As Always
Velvet
Dear B
I know this will be costing you energy. You may be surprised at your reaction when he goes – you could feel flat – i think it is the nervous energy being released to make way for good vibes – which will come. Be prepared for some bad behaviour between now and departure time but keep doing all you have been doing – you will have a nine weeks peace and in that time you will recover.
He will be terrified – CGs do not like the unknown – actually I suppose we don’t either! I am glad he is still saying he wants to go and really pleased that your family and the giggling baby are behind him. Let him know you are aware that he is doing this for all of you and that you will be alright although you will miss him
One thing I think it would be good to talk about before he goes, is the amount of communication there will be between you if they allow phones and mobiles. My CG was not allowed a mobile and we had no contact for 6 months. It gave him and me the freedom to really work on ourselves. I used to phone once a week just to make sure he was still there. I know that mobiles and phones are allowed in some rehabs. It would be a good idea, I think, if you talk about how much contact you want before he goes. In my opinion the less the better – it stops the questioning and allows you both to get on with what is important for both of you – a gamble-free life. Recovery is selfish – has to be. I’m not sure how you broach this subject but I think it is easier before he goes because discussions on phones when you can’t see each other are more difficult.
I am only going to do the Serenity prayer at the end of Tuesday’s group, at the moment but knowing you were there we did it last night too – specially for you.
I am glad things seem to be moving forward
V
Hi Jay
Well if that isn’t a post that will leave me grinning from ear to ear all day, leaving people wondering what I have been doing, I don’t know what is!
Brilliant
Velvet
Hi Nite
It is always good when you eventually find the place that is right for you and I am glad that you have found us. I am also incredibly glad that Kathryn spotted your post because she offers support from a different perspective and is an inspiration on our site.
You and your family ‘are’ enough Nite. The fact that you ask that says to me that your self-confidence and self-esteem are pretty low but this addiction is not your fault in any way. It is also not your husband’s fault. As some time he gambled as others do and he would have had no idea that addiction was the heavy penalty that he would pay.
I think Kathryn has summed up so much of how the addiction works. If I say the same but in a different way it is because we have both lived with it – the same addiction but in different halves. My CG told me he was angry and I didn’t understand, I couldn’t see where anger fitted in to the unhappiness that surrounded him – I was also totally unaware that he had an addiction to gamble for 25 years.
My CG went into rehab for 9 months. I don’t know what he talked about in rehab but he changed his life. With the change came the ability to explain to me, much as Kathryn has done for you, the feelings of a CG. It is my belief that we can never understand what it is like to be a CG but we can gain as much knowledge as possible to help us cope. Apparently for the first three months in rehab he blamed me – it was good that there was no contact between us or I would have been spitting feathers to hear him do so – although ‘I’ was blaming me, I would have been shouting that he did not have that right.
Which bring me on to the important part of what I want to say – I was blaming me. I was a pathetic blob, a victim of his addiction and out of control of my life but nobody is to blame for this addiction. Once we accept that we can retake control of our lives.
Your husband is controlled by an addiction but you are not which makes you stronger than he is. His addiction makes him angry because he is trying to take responsibility for something that is powerful, corrosive and destructive, that thrives on lies and manipulation – as Kathryn says it is not a walk in the park.
While your husband fights his demons it is important that you find your self-worth. Each day try and do something that his addiction has stopped you doing – while he is yelling perhaps you could go and have a manicure or paint a picture – something you used to like doing but stopped because his addiction filled your mind 24 hours a day. Don’t waste your energy yelling back and getting involved in a row – his addiction will distort your words and it will be his addiction that yells back. His addiction will be fighting to control him and if it can cause an argument then it has won and it is important that the addiction does not win with you because ‘you’ matter.
If I didn’t know that his addiction can be controlled and the person who emerges can be ‘better’ for owning the addiction and having the courage to control it, I wouldn’t be writing on here.
Do things with your children – let him hear you all laugh and try to include him but don’t be distressed by his shouting. Let him leave the room if he wishes – that is common and in my opinion, is better not to ask him to stay. Allow him to watch you getting on with your life so that he can lean on you and learn to trust you. Imagine his addiction in the corner of the room waiting for you to attack it so that it can leap between you – confuse it by being happy, change your hair-style, have a massage – let it know that you are not going to allow it to take you down. Surprise your husband by being happy.
Are you children aware that their father has an addiction? If they are older perhaps you can explain to them so that they can feel understanding towards him. The addiction to gamble is divisive in families and believe it is better that those who are old enough to be affected know what the CG is struggling with.
Please don’t let it kill you to see him so unhappy – I don’t want to be writing to someone who isn’t around anyone – such a waste! He can change. A large part of recovery is taking responsibility for the addictive behaviour and guilt is quite overwhelming. If you husband sees his family as wreckage of that behaviour his guilt will be greater but if his family are healthy and living their lives his guilt will be easier. Guilt is not necessary when you realise he didn’t want his addiction – my CG said he could live with regret but not guilt. Guilt causes anger.
How is your husband seeking his recovery? I have never heard of a CG who can go it alone and if he is trying to do this I think it is good to leave recovery literature ***** around to let him know that you are seeking recovery too and want to support him. We have a terrific helpline, CG only groups, ‘My Journal forum’ where he will be welcome and understood by others in a way that you and I cannot understand. There is also GA and dedicated addiction counsellors. It is very hard for a CG to accept that they can never gamble responsibly again but other CGs help with that kind of understanding. If my CG writes on this site i don’t read what he has written – his continued recovery is all that matters. if your husband wants to use this site then maybe you could offer him the same privacy.
My CG said that in early recovery he was ‘bouncing off the walls’ – quite a few years on now he is a fine person, living a happy and good life. Don’t kill yourself Nite – pick yourself up, do something just for ‘you’ today and then tell me what you did. We want the CG to change but we have to make the effort too in a way we would not have expected.
Keep posting and perhaps join our F&F groups, ***** in the top right hand box – you will be very welcome. Nothing said in the groups appears on the forum – you will be among those who understand.
Well done on starting your thread – I look forward to hearing you walking forward into ‘your’ recovery. I recommend the journey.
VelvetDear Ell
It is late and I must go to bed so that I can wake up and give you my full attention.
I understand every word you say – you are incredibly eloquent and your feelings radiate from the screen.
I know all about the little boxes in your head – I have them too.
I will write tomorrow – I hope you sleep well tonight
V
Dear Denise
It is high time that you were put back together again. Just as the only person who could change your husband is your husband, so the only person who can give you back your self-esteem and confidence is you – and you will.
Heartfelt letters to active CGs I’m afraid have little or no impact. Due to your husband’s addiction his self-confidence and self-esteem will be nil and so he will not read the words as you have written them. His addiction ensures he lives with failure and disappointment, he feel worthless so why would you love him.
I cannot tell you what to do, I cannot judge – I know that there are many different outcomes for those who live with this addiction and separation and divorce are far from unknown and often the only way forward.
It is likely that there was fairly continuous gambling after your husband stopped going to GA – the addiction has nothing to do with money but everything to do with the mind of the CG. If your husband’s addiction was filling his mind there would have been no room for honesty and truth.
His mother’s enablement in February will have fed his addiction and the chances are she will never see that money again but that is her problem, not yours. You warned her and you could no more. Her denial of her son’s addiction would only have hurt her son and that is a sad indictment indeed.
I have no problem understanding that from the outside everything looks great because secrecy is important to the addiction and it is divisive in families. I hope you find support in your friends and family – you deserve it. I think it is best to tell people that your husband is a CG because there is no shame in it – he neither asked for, nor wanted the addiction. Most of us agree that only those who have lived with the addiction understand what it is like to live with it and so I believe it is best to make a statement about it and not ask for opinions which are seldom helpful.
I am sorry I was not the first person to see your post because I have to be the one to tell you that Gambling Therapy is not funded to support in the UK. You will have found your post difficult to write I know but I am re-directing you and not rejecting you. Please copy and paste your post in gamcare.co.uk who will support you as we cannot.
I lived with the addiction to gamble for 25 years but now I am fully recovered so I hope that will give you hope. I have taken the experience and used it to help me in my life rather than allowing it to keep me as the pathetic victim I had become.
You can rebuild your life, you can give your sons a parent they can trust and lean on. You can be the person you want to be. If it wasn’t so I wouldn’t be writing to you now.
I wish you a wonderful life Denise. The greatest revenge you can have on the addiction to gamble is for you to be happy.
Please use gamcare – they are there for you and for all those in the UK. In the UK we are funded only for friends and family of CGs and CGs who have been through the Gordon House rehab programme.
I hope it helps you to know you are not alone. I hope it helps to know that those of us who come out of the shadow of the addiction to gamble live healthy happy lives. Self-respect and peace are within ‘your’ grasp – you are retaking control of your life. Well done.
I wish you well
Velvet
Dear Ell
***** hurts – I understand.
I am glad that your husband’s counsellor told you that your silence would be the most difficult thing for your CG to handle but I am not 100% sure it is the right thing for either of you. Silence can be punishing and I am not of the opinion that your husband ***** to be punished.
Silence is hard but dear Ell I am not judging – you have been through a lot of pain and your reaction is understandable.
***** is often a protective instinct and human. I get the feeling that your husband is very afraid of what has gone before, what is happening and what will happen- his mind is not clear. My feeling is that unless there is communication he can’t make things right and with lack of understandinghe could make things a lot worse.
I think it is great that your husband’s therapist tells you that he be***ves in your CG. it was unusual I think to divulge such a confidence and therefore contains hope. Did you tell him about the ongoing ***s?
I don’t know the ***s your husband is saying and maybe you would rather talk in the privacy of the group. If he is still saying black is white I understand your concern. If he is saying he has swept the floor, when he has not – but he is worried that you will be cross with him, I feel maybe he ***** a bit more time in his recovery – but he ***** to hear that it is the *** that hurt, not the floor being upswept which you cannot tell him in silence.
I am not a person who can live with silence Ell. My husband grew up with a father who would express himself in silence and he had an unhappy childhood with him. I am a be***ver in communication although there are ***** when it is better to be silent but 10 days is a long time for your husband’s mind not to hear you speak. He cannot know where he is with you.
Do you know where you want to be with him? I know you will be ok and I know your daughter will be ok because of your strength – but I don’t want you to lose someone that you do love but who is not behaving as well as he should because he hasn’t reached the point of understanding – yet.
I think I need you to talk more so that I can understand.
V
Dear Neva
I am so sad to hear your tragic news and my thoughts are with you and his family. My thoughts for you include staying gamble-free during this sad time. Reality hits us all at different ***** in our lives and facing it with strength is always hard but there is no real escape for any of us. Gambling is a fantasy escape for CGs that only adds more pain when reality returns.
Stay strong
Velvet
Dear Ell
I have a visitor tonight and cannot write properly to you but I will tomorrow. There will be sunshine for you and that is what matters.
V
Hi Looby
That is not the update I wanted to hear and never could be.
Looking for positives – you are right he has not gone underground and you are not left wondering if…..
He is aware of what he has to do and you are right, highlighting that his behaviour is the cause of his situation is a waste of your energy – far better spent living your life.
I know that regardless of what you say, this will have affected you somewhat because you are not hard. It is another disappointment for you but probably an on-going one for him.
Go on holiday and have a ball – your son is choosing to follow his idea of having a good time and he must be the one to carry his burden further.
I am glad you were able to have a conversation where you were able to remind him that he ***** to commit his life to being gamble-free or his sad state will carry on – somewhere, sometime the messsage will reach the point that other messages seem to have missed because he didn’t want to hear them.
You are standing firm which is the best thing you can do for your son – he has to make ‘his’ choice in his time.
VHi David
I just wondered how you were doing.
VelvetHi Cat, ican, P, Ready2change, Neva, Maverick and anbody else joining your circle
Still willing you all on and anybody else who is doing the March march into recovery – at the end of the F&F group last night we held hands in cyber space and said the Serenity Prayer together and my thoughts were with you all as well.
When triggers srike think of the others in the circle, could they be struggling and how would you want them to react? Have a conversation with them in your head rather than the addiction. The bonding in this forum is terrific, you all want the others to succeed so know and trust that this is what they all want for you.
VelvetHi Kathryn
I only wanted to say that it has been far too long since I posted to you. Never stop posting, you give so much, I love hearing about your life and you shine like a beacon on this site – who needs a compass when we have you?