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Dear Nite
My goodness if the addiction to gamble didn’t make you cry sometimes, you would not be human. The ability to stop crying, when confronting the addiction, comes after a while when you begin to make some sort of sense of the senseless and realise that your tears feed the addiction and are futile – this does not come overnight although you are learnng it very quickly.
The addiction is often called the dirty secret and I’m glad you shared with your mother. It was understandable that her initial reaction was judgemental – learning to be non-judgemental is part of our recovery. How much easier it would be to see ‘them and us’ as ‘good and bad’ but it isn’t like that and that wretched ‘love’ does get in the way.
The other reason it is good to tell others is that when a CG loses their initial enablement they often borrow (with no hope of paying back) from other family members and friends and then the mess becomes even bigger.
Making the divine dinner says it all – you are doing fantastically and I do know it doesn’t feel like it.
Below this forum is the Friends and Family topic forum where we have focussed on specific issues that relate to most forum members. Whilst looking for further ways forward you might something there. Perhaps you could add to it, it helps direct me to the areas you are struggling with most.
The apology you got is unusual – maybe it was in readiness for the next manipulation but it comes after you denied him enablement and that is a feather in your cap.
Our new member bjbuzzy, in the post above suggests you try and support and not be judgemental. I always appreciate CGs who are working on their recovery, or are in control of their addiction, writing to us but support can mean different things depending in which half of the addiction you are standing. Support for a CG, in Friends and Family is to look after yourself first. My CG who is enjoying a long recovery explained that the more wreckage there if from the addiction the harder it is to face it. You are showing your husband that you are not rolling over and allowing his addiction to take you down with it. Only in recovery will he truly appreciate this – until then his addiction will fight and it is tough.
I have brought up a thread I wrote some time ago, called ‘the F&F cycle’ and I hope it helps.
Cry in this forum Nite, vent your anger here, leaving you as cool and as calm as possible to fight this unseen enemy. I am not saying that you should not tell your husband that you have feelings as a result of his addiction and that you need recovery – because you have and you do. You don’t deserve to have this addiction destroying your life. You need support with your very young children and you won’t be getting it because your husband is not taking responsibility for his own life yet – never mind yours. What I would hope is that you will be able to stand back and make informed decisions on what you want and what you will do and not allow his addiction to pull the strings – I don’t want you walking on eggshells. I have sayings on my wall beside me, one of which is ‘I have often regretted my speech but never my silence’. This does mean I am silent but I have learned that I can understand more by listening and it has made a difference to everything I do.
You ask what more you can do. Allow yourself time for you – you need your self-esteem and confidence restored which his addiction will have badly dented. The killer dinner was brilliant and would have confused his addiction. I can hear you growing in strength in such a short time and I am sure his addiction will be hearing it too. Never forget you are the stronger – you can control your life. You are doing what ***** to be done and I applaud you.
Velvet
Hi Nite
He can’t make one bet because he is a compulsive gambler and he can’t gamble responsibly – but of course his addiction doesn’t want to hear that so it hits out at the person closest and that is you.
I know it is hard but his words are meaningless. You know you are not lazy and your marriage is far from a joke for you.
It is not a professional way to cope with the addiction but many people have found that it helps if you can see the addiction as a beast in the corner of the room. When you talk to your CG about things that are not gambling related the beast stays in the corner although it is always awake and listening – ready to defend itself. When you try and talk about something that is gambling connected, the beast leaps between you. From that moment on your husband only hears your words distorted by the beast and you only hear cruel spite that knows no love or truth – it is like a wounded animal that fights tooth and claw for survival.
I’m not 100% sure what you mean when you say that you guess it is just you. This is far from ‘just you’ – this is not what you signed up for, what you wanted or dreamed of when you got married. I am not asking for an answer to this but I wonder what you answer would be if you asked yourself if you still love your husband. Some***** I think you can be so consumed by the addiction, you forget to think how you feel – and how you feel does matter.
I would imagine when you next see your husband he will behave as though this poor behaviour never happened. He tried to get you to agree to ‘just one bet’ and he failed – you stood up to his addiction and he tried to blame you. His addiction will have forgotten all that happened by the time you speak again. His mind is full of addiction and it lacks logic and reason – yours does not. All the lies and manipulation have built up in your husband mind and he ***** support from those who understand to help him tip some of that addiction out so that reason, logic, truth and love can find a space to grow.
Do you ever talk about the happy ***** you had and the things you used to do? It is so easy to be constantly on gambling alert that good things are forgotten and I really am not judging – I can’t – I did everything wrong for all the right reasons for far too many years.
Your self-confidence has taken a hit and you are among those who understand how that feels. It is difficult, I know, to talk to other people but do you have family to support you? Unfortunately unless people have lived with the addiction to gamble, their opinions can be very narrow and not supportive. Personally I think it is best to tell others as a statement rather than ask for opinions. You are going to get your knowledge here and you can make your own informed decisions with that knowledge. At no time will I ever tell you what to do – everything will always be in your hands.
Keep posting
Velvet
Dear Ell
Opening my Ell box and seeing your smile was wonderful.
Reading your last post and Jenny’s reply has bowled me over.
Neither of you mentioned being strong and yet both of you talked about yourselves and your change. Neither of you talked about your CG’s change or what they had to do to make things right. Neither of you talked about what they had achieved – only what you were achieving.
In your silence I think you have found Ell and somewhere in the last few weeks while Jenny has not been posting, it seems she has been finding herself. It isn’t about living with or without a CG in the end – it is about you. It isn’t about your ***** – it is finding out who you are.
I remember a member who wrote and said that when she was first told to look after herself and find her recovery, she didn’t understand – but it had been those words that had borne the greatest fruit for her.
As long as we are defensive I don’t think we will change and the addiction makes us defensive. We did everything with good intentions and only with the experiences of our own lives to guide us. We tried to be good and honest so what was it all about?
We met the addiction to gamble and it shook our lives to the core. We tried to put everything right and everything went wrong. In my opinion it is good to have an opportunity in life to sit down with yourself and look at who you are and how you got to the point you have reached and for that you need to be quiet. When the addiction hits you, you can sink or swim – you can try and understand or feel they are wrong and that is that. You can forgive or not. You can forget or not. You can work on yourself or accept yourself and feel there is no room for improvement.
I cannot imagine what it is like to own the addiction to gamble. I don’t know what my reaction to others would have been if I did own it. What I do know is that it takes a mighty big person to analyse their behaviour if it has been dreadful to others and take control of a mind-distorting addiction. If I couldn’t analyse my life, my thoughts, my flawed judgements whilst expecting him to do all these things then what was I offering? I felt his action deserved a reaction from me but even without his action being to choose recovery I had to react to his addiction – for me.
I have learned more about people on this site than at any other time in my life. It doesn’t just stop with the site either – what I have learned has spilt over into all my life. I am not the person I was. I still don’t know what, or if, I did anything wrong. I have taken a leaf out of the book of CGs when they enter a real recovery – they have to be honest with themselves and it isn’t easy.
I hope that you are still smiling and getting the hugs you deserve. Maybe there will be something still to learn for you but when you smiled, I believe you were saying that Ell had looked after herself and could cope.
There is only so much that this forum can give in information. What is done with the information is down to the member. You made the difference in the end Ell – nobody did it for you and it brought a lump to my throat too.
speak soon
V
Hi Nite
Carry on as you are doing because you are doing well. Going out for dinner with friends was probably far from simple for you – it takes guts to break away from the addiction buzzing around in your head. Playing with the kids will fill your head with lovely thoughts making the addiction more bearable and confused..
It is sadly common for a CG to think they are not compulsive gamblers and I am not surprised you are not buying into that.
One way to show him that you are not buying in to his manpulation is to let him know, by surreptitious means if necessary, that even if he is not taking his addiction seriously – you are.
At the top of this page click on to ‘Resources’ and in ‘Location’ scroll down to ‘World’. Click ‘Gambling help’ and ‘Search’. Scroll down to ‘Gamblers anonymous – Twenty Questions’. Most compulsive gamblers will answer yes to at least seven of these questions. In my opinion most members who have lived with the compulsion to gamble will also be able to answer yes to at leave seven of those questions. Print them off and leave them so he can find them. Maybe you could put a tick by the ones where you know there should be a ‘yes’.
Perhaps you could get details of your local Gamblers Anonymous (GA) and leave them ***** round. The reason I think it is good to not get into a discussion about support is because his addiction will be defensive and you will find yourself in another unasked for row.
If your husband gets annoyed about the amount of literature, then the answer can be that you are only looking for support with ‘your’ recovery. CGs do not realise that those around them need recovery too.
Not putting money into the debit account is far from feeble – I know how angry the addiction can sound.
You have hit the nail on the head when you said that winning encourages a CG. In this forum a ‘win’ is a ‘loss’ because the only thing that gets fed from it, is the addiction.
Even if he does go 2 weeks without placing a bet his mind will still be in gamble-mode. The addiction is live until the CG accepts it and wants to change. You cannot make him stop but you can make your life better so that he can see you are not being cowed by his addiction as he is.
You have made an excellent start and I look forward to hearing that you are having more fun. It might seem a strange way to cope and certainly a strange way to make a difference to your husband but it can and does work.
Your latest post is already more positive than the first and that is great.
Speak soon and/or perhaps join me in a Friends and family group.
Velvet