Forum Replies Created
-
Posts
-
Hi Anne
‘If’ the counsellor said what your husband reported then they were giving him carte blanche to carry on. I say ‘if’ because the CG uses lies as a means to an end when protecting their addiction.
Recovery is always only in the hand of the CG – if they want it enough it is possible.
I can only re-iterate my first post if your husband does not want to stop. It is the hardest thing of all to live with a CG who doesn’t want to stop. Friends and family tend to think that all CGs do want to stop ‘really’ but this is not always so. However in view of his father maybe if would be a good idea to say that you don’t want to see the same for him and suggest he seeks further support.
Give him information of the means to control his addiction, perhaps find a dedicated addiction counsellor, there is nothing worse than a counsellor who doesn’t understand. He would be welcome in our ‘My Journal’ forum and in the CG groups where he would be understood, although they will not be suggesting that he can carry on playing poker as long as he manages his bankroll.
I cannot tell you what to do Anne. Being ‘constantly on your guard to keep up with him’ doesn’t sound like you are doing a lot of living just for yourself. Keep doing the things you enjoy and perhaps increase your interests – let him see that you are strong and ‘living’ your life. Perhaps you could let him know that you would like to see him join you in living his life in a healthy way but that you cannot live with his addiction ruining your life too.
He entered recovery for his alcoholism so he knows he can control himself but he might be afraid of not having the amount of strength and courage he ***** to do so.
Give him loads of sign-posts telling him where he can seek support for his recovery and give yourself loads of care because you deserve it.
Speak soon
Velvet
Dear Missy
I am glad to have been of some help.
I would like to explain one further thing which may help. Compulsive gambling has nothing to do with money – the ‘gamble’ is the goal and money is only a means to that goal. You mentioned giving your partner money for his football coupon which seems a harmless hobby. The addiction distorts the CGs mind and doing a football coupon activates that addiction and keeps it live – most CGs who live in control of their addiction accept that for them there can never be another gamble. This is hard as this has been their way of life and it is why they need the right support.
Before I leave you to go to gamcare, if your partner is really wanting to change his life Gordon House is a wonderful way to do it. It is residential, so there is a time apart but it is drop in the ocean compared to the rest of his life in control of his addiction. For you it is a time to recharge your batteries and regain your self-esteem and confidence.
You have proved that by changing ‘your’ behaviour you have moved your relationship forward. I think that it is good that those who love CGs realise that if what they have been doing, for however many years, isn’t working maybe it is time to do something different. The same applies to the CG.
Those who have loved ones who enter the GH programme are funded to receive help on this site so maybe will meet again.
I wish you both well and although I know it will not be a bed of roses – a bed of green shoots showing the signs of recovery are a joy to behold. Thank you for the update.
Velvet
Dear Lucia
Welcome to Gambling Therapy
I am sorry I have not replied sooner but I have been away for Easter. I am glad that you heard from Larry because as always he makes a lot of sense.
I cannot tell you what to do because that would be wrong – you have to make your own decisions but hopefully sharing and talking will help you do that.
The addiction to gamble is very secretive and your husband’s addiction wants you to take the blame. The addiction is divisive and it will not want you to talk to his family but if his family do not know they cannot support him in the right way. If you do talk to them it would be good if you could tell them that you have sought help and that you are aware that clearing his gambling debts feeds his addiction and is the wrong way to support a CG (compulsive gambler).
The lies, manipulation, anger are all part of your partner’s addiction and he ***** the right treatment. As Larry says you can direct him to the right treatment but you cannot stop him gambling and the best thing you can do is to protect yourself. I know how upsetting living with this addiction can be but getting angry with your husband or getting into arguments with him will not help. His addiction likes confrontation, it is the master of threats and manipulation and I suspect you are not.
If you get a job it is important that you do not give your husband cash. Giving cash to a CG, is the same as giving a drink to an *********. If you look at the forum below this one called ‘Friends and Family Topic Forum’ you can see where we have focussed on ‘enablement’ – I hope that will help you. Ensure the money you earn is in your name and that he has no access to it.
At the top of this page click on to ‘Resources’ and in ‘Location’ scroll down to ‘World’. Click ‘Gambling help’ and then ‘Search’. Scroll down to ‘Gamblers Anonymous – Twenty Questions’. Most compulsive gamblers will answer yes to at least seven of these questions. In my opinion most members who have lived with the compulsion to gamble will also be able to answer yes to at leave seven of those questions. It might help to print them off and leave them for you partner to see – he may not realise that he is not alone and that he ***** help. If he screws them up and throws them away do not worry – you could do no more.
Please update soon. We have live Friends and Family groups (***** in the top right hand box of this page) and you would be welcome to join us and communicate in real time. Do you have a Gamanon group near you? Gamanon is the sister group of GA (Gamblers Anonymous). There is no shame to be felt that this addiction is in your life – you are not to blame for your husband’s addiction and you do need to protect yourself.
I look forward to hearing from you again
Velvet
Dear B
I have been thinking about you and know that your feelings will be all over the place. I look forward to speaking to you soon.
I did not wonder why you packed his suitcase and prepared his documents – in my opinion you did exactly the right thing.
It is important to look after yourself when a loved one is in rehab. This time apart is great for you to find yourself, regain lost confidence and self-esteem and solidify your determination not to live in the shadow of the addiction to gamble – it works miracles. When you are reunited you will both benefit from the effort of the other.
I know you will be in a group soon so I will await your update with anticipation. As far as his parents go – make your decisions on what is right for you and your child during this precious time, as soon as possible. As a controller, his mother will be very determined but I believe that the terrific Berber, who has stood up to her husband’s addiction is a match for her. Putting yourself first, isn’t selfish, it is the right thing to do with this addiction. You have shown your love for your husband by being strong. He seems to have recognised your real support, in the strength you showed, even before he went away, which is hopefully the wonderful sign that the green shoots of recovery have taken root and are ready to flourish.
Parents do not always come around – some are too fixed and remain blind. If they force choices upon you, your husband in recovery, will know what to do because he will have learned that, in control of an addiction, he has a choice too.
Speak soon
V
Happy Easter to you too Kathryn
I’m afraid that my cycle ride was not as successful as yours, after years of not being on a bike. I found an old bike, in the garage of a cottage in France when I was on holiday a couple of years ago. Having struggled up the hill, I was whooping it down when I realised the bloomin’ thing had no brakes! I also know what it is like to walk like Frankenstein although for a different reason. Thank goodness for my Girl Guide First Aid badge. It didn’t have a saddle either – but that is a different story.
You have every reason to be whooping it up and as always your post was a joy to read. If Dames looks as though his betting is becoming a problem you know where F&F is and you are always welcome.
VDear Lizbeth
I have no words but my thoughts and prayers are with you tonight and will be every day in the coming weeks.
Look after yourself.
Velvet
Hi Leaving
I don’t think that Mzr is still with us but if she is I apologize to her for high jacking her thread and hope that she will update again soon.
I cannot find you in any of my records, Leaving, so I assume you have changed your username.
I am sorry that when you were here before it wasn’t possible to help you understand more about the addiction to gamble which would hopefully have helped you cope better. There are different outcomes for different members but they are all known on his forum. I know about 3-4 years ago we had a member from New Zealand who did leave her CG husband but her posts were full of positivity and she would gladly have supported you. One ghost you can lay to rest is the thought that your husband ‘enjoyed’ you playing detective – his addiction does not work like that – his enjoyment would not be to see you suffer.
Please start a thread of your own so that we can support you now. Moving out of the shadow of the addiction to gamble is often painful but we diminish our lives, in my opinion, if we allow it to affect our future as it has our past.I don’t believe the spark of hope has gone out completely – you have three children who need that spark fanned until it bursts into flame – they need you to be strong for them. Understanding the addiction to gamble gives us strength and helps us cope.
Don’t wonder why you did or did not do something – ‘what ifs’ and ‘if only’ hold you back. It is what you do now that ******.
I like seeing old members return and I am disappointed that you have not seemed to benefit from your time with us. Your husband will benefit from your healing.
If you don’t want to start a thread, I will wish you and your children well.
Velvet
VelvetStill watching and caring
Velvet VelvetHi B
It was great to get the elaboration.
Hope you had a better night’s sleep
V Velvet