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Hi Mucklow
I read you post and was going to answer it when someone came to the door. When I came back Jenny had replied with her usual terrific support and ideas.
You say you hate his addiction and not him and I understand this only too well – he probably doesn’t like what he has become either.
A coping mechanism that has worked for many of us to communicate with a CG,without losing our cool is to imagine his addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although it never sleeps.
Your husband is controlled by that addiction but you are not. When you threaten that addiction, it comes between you and from then on it controls the situation because it is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not. Once it is between you, you will only hear the addiction speak which knows only lies and deceit and seeks to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that I loved him, his addiction distorted his mind into hearing that I was ***** because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure. The addiction is all about failure – there is no love. However much your husband convinces you that he is in control – he is not.
The above is not the professional approach but many of us have found it helped.
You have asked your husband to leave three ***** in the last six months – how did he win you over to let him back? I am really not judging as I did everything wrong for all the right reasons for far too many years. Are you telling him to leave finally or are you really asking that he leave and sort himself out so that he can come back? His addiction knows how to wheedle its way back.
By allowing him to return still with his addiction in control of him, please believe me I cannot judge – you are enabling his addiction. Has he gone this time? It is important when you threaten that you mean what you say 100% because his addiction uses threats to manipulate you and therefore he will know how to play you like a fiddle – just as you have said.
am bringing my thread “the F&F Cycle” up to the top for you to have a look at, so that you know I understand. I hope it helps. ‘We’ have the ability to break the cycle and we do it by looking at the way we treat our loved with this addiction in a different way.
Keep posting and looking after ‘you’
Velvet
Hi Muckalow
I wouldn’t be writing on here if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled so I hope that gives you some comfort.
I don’t think anybody would take that first gamble if they knew that addiction was waiting for them. Your husband, like all other CGs, did not ask for nor want this terrible addiction in his life, any more than you do.
I understand what it is to be the unwitting enabler of the addiction. The addiction is not something that is broadcast enough in the media and the symptoms are hard to detect unless you know what you are looking for.
There ‘is’ a reason why this man spends too many hours in the bookies and causes harm – it is called the addiction to gamble and it takes great courage to control, courage your husband lacks at the moment.
It isn’t cowardice that stops him telling you that he has done wrong – he hides and lies about his poor behaviour to protect his addiction because he wants you to enable him and he knows you will not enable him if you learn about his addiction.
Until you know if you are cut out for supporting your husband, I suggest you do nothing apart from learn about his addiction, by reading and posting on this site and/or joining a Gamanon group, which is the sister group of GA.
Your husband’s addiction will have caused him to lose his self-esteem and confidence; it will have destroyed his logic and reason. You will probably have had your self-esteem and confidence severely dented but you still have logic and reason because you do not own the addiction – that means you are stronger than your husband and the person who can change her life, for the better, more easily.
I cannot tell you what to do, as all your decisions must be yours. Jenny has suggested good ideas for your finances and also talked about looking after ‘you’.
Putting ‘you’ first works, even though it doesn’t feel as though you are doing much. As a victim of your husband’s addiction you are powerless and you will be incredibly tired, angry and confused. In control of your life, you can find different ways to fight the addiction. Do something for yourself today – something that the addiction has stopped you doing and while you are doing it put the thought of the addiction so far to the back of your mind it can’t upset you. Unfortunately it will still be there when you have finished whatever it is you decide to do but hopefully you will have proved to yourself that you can live without the addiction filling your mind, even if it is only for an hour or two, while you get your hair done, have a massage,see a friend or take your daughter somewhere special – anything that is just for ‘you’. You will change the more time and effort you give to yourself and the addiction will be confused by your change.
I have no doubt your husband is a good man at heart but it is important to be strong and not pity him – he ***** your strength, not your pity.
I will leave it there fore now Sarah but there is a lot to say. We also have Friends and Family groups where we communicate in real time and you are welcome – ***** are in the box at the top right hand of this page.
Well done writing your first post – it is the hardest.
Velvet
Dear Kathryn
P is right – you are a queen in GT and I am so glad that you went to bed and slept rather than giving in to your urge. Exhaustions plays havoc with out minds and I am pleased that you are rested.
Share your workings out – it helps to push thoughts around.
You are a very special person and you deserve the best for having the courage to do what you have done. Read back at some of your entries and remember the joy and peace your gamble-free life has brought to you and to everybody who reads your words.
Thank you for fighting your urge. I want you to know that when you do resist that terrible demon you give hope to every corner of this site.
You are one of my champions
V
Hi B
You are being incredibly insightful yourself – your hb will benefit from it.
The leap from being controlled by the addiction to gamble, to controlling it, is tremendous. Those who love someone who is prepared to take that leap want more than anything to see the change and in that desire; things that should be noted and dealt with can be overlooked. It seems to me your eyes are wide open and this could not be better for your husband. He ***** you to be strong and aware. Your desire and ***** will not be the deciding factor – his desire and ***** and what he takes from this opportunity to change, will be down to him although your strong support will be invaluable if he chooses to live gamble-free.
I will hope along with you that his parents remove their blinkers but from all you have said I think you are wise not to raise your hopes. There is none so blind as he (she) who will not see.
I know I will see you soon in a group soon – I just wanted to say hi and let you know I was following proceedings with more than a passing interest.
Zoals altijd met zorg en liefde
Velvet
I know weekends are tough but I want you to know that all of you doing April ODATT are in my thoughts. I know you can achieve your goal. Fighting your addiction together, knowing that others are in the struggle with you and affirming their determination daily with you, seems to me to be a brilliant blazing torch with which you can re-iginite your desire to live gamble-free just for today.
Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion – you must set yourselves on fire first.
VelvetHi Sara
As we have had a long chat together I wont write here but I just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts and I hope to see you in group again. Unfortunately the forum does seem slow at the moment – it happens as members leave to ‘live’ their lives and move on.
I have already welcomed you to an F&F group but have just noticed I had not welcomed you to your own thread – so I welcome you now.
Velvet
Hi Schew
Maybe your thread was brought to the top for a reason even though it was accidentally done.
You used to ‘lurk’ around the forum and I wonder if you still do so this is just to say I am still hear and ready to listen.
The addiction to gamble affects our lives – it is not just a passing phase – we are changed by the experience and therefore need support in the aftermath of the storm, as well as during it.
If you are still lurking I would love to hear from you again.
There comes a time, I think, when it is right that we grow wings and leave the forum. We get the knowledge of what it is that has hurt us and we work our way through that pain with that knowledge. The hope must be that members realise that they are in control of their own lives and therefore the natural progressions is that they make their own decisions on the life they have reclaimed. Maybe you have grown your wings but if you have not you will be welcome here. There were many strings to your posts and I hope that you have tied up a lot of the loose ends but wherever you are in your journey you are not forgotten here.
Velvet
Welcome to your new Home Debbie
Velvet
Hi Ed
Just dropped in too see how you are doing.
My CG said to me some time ago that to test your addiction is not to accept it – so this is my message to you. Supposing, just supposing all the noise and clamour in the bookies had triggered a response in your mind and distortion had kicked in – your wife would not have had that relieved smile and you would be feeling lower than a rattle-snakes belly.
You are still in an early recovery and you are doing well – don’t push it. I believe the friends you have known for ever would have had the greatest respect for you if you said ‘I am a CG and cannot go to the bookies with you’. There is nothing to be ashamed about – you didn’t ask for, or want your addiction – maybe one of your friends also struggles as you did and ***** support. We cannot know who is and who is not a CG.
I am not a CG but I will not be watching the Grand National tomorrow, nor will I play cards – even for ******* because it is fun. I don’t do the lottery, I don’t gamble. I will be looking for your post after tomorrow and hoping that all is well.
To keep your simple life it is important to know that complacency is always waiting for the CG who goes with his mates because it would have been awkward if he had not.
I am not judging – I wouldn’t and I can’t – I just know I care
V
Hi Iamwilling
I have been drawn by your username. In our Friends and Family forum it is a hard message that the CG has to be willing to change and those who love the CG can only hope that maybe, just maybe…….
I know you can be the person you want to be because I have seen others who desired the same, fought their demons, found themselves, controlled their addiction and changed their lives. You have to do it for yourself first and because of that determination you will do it for your child and your wife.
I haven’t had much time recently to pop over from F&F but I am glad that I did because your positive post is uplifting.
If your wife wants to talk to those who will understand her and not judge, she is welcome in F&F.
I hope you kept your daily affirmation going – one day a time means a gamble-free life for your child and family as well as you. Your thread is a pleasure to read
Velvet