[velvet]

Dear BB
I haven’t got long tonight and I have written on Adele’s thread that I would address the issue of **** that is being mentioned on so many threads.  I feel that I need to speak about it a bit quicker in view of your latest post.
Why ****?    When addiction fills the head of a CG they feel worthless.   The addiction to gamble is failure driven and failure affects every aspect of the CG’s life.    A CG can feel emasculated by his addiction and **** is a way to feel better – a way to prove, in secret, that certain parts still work and that they are still men. 
You said your *** life sucked and it is very likely that your husband was unable to show you a loving ***ual act because his mind was full of gambling – he was unable to feel love as it should be felt.   It is the reason that many non-CGs think their loved ones have mistresses and then find out that it is the addiction to gamble that is the mistress – the thing that has taken their loved one away.
I am sorry that I am bolting this off but I have a sense of urgency from your post – I would like to have dealt with this with more consideration,   Please do not take this personally.   It is highly likely that your husband will not be able to explain to you why he has watched ****.    ‘You’ have not failed but he thinks that he has. 
I have known CGs who have gone with other women, women they did not love because it relieved them.   It is easier to have *** with someone they do not care for than to show love with the person they love and who loves them.    
I am not making excuses BB.   I personally loathe ****.   I have learned to understand from a few CGs that their addiction caused them problems in bed with the person they love.  I believe what I have heard to be true and I believe that in control of an addiction a man can show love in bed.
There is post in ‘My Journal’ which I hope will help you but I need time to remember where I saw it.  
You are not weak.   You ‘are’ enough.   The addiction strips away all that is good.   It seems you have seen the man you loved in the last few days and I am so sorry that this latest blow has hit you so hard.  
I really do have to go.   Please ask me anything you want to ask.  Pop into the group or contact the help-line for one-to-one.
I cannot tell you what to do but if it was me I would talk to him – he might be too ashamed to open up or he might he relieved to talk.   Whatever happens look after you.  
Velvet
 

[velvet]

Dear Adele
What sort of threads would you like to read?   I will point you to a couple and see it they are the sort that help.   Like so many others Meglee had more than one thread but she came to this site having moved on in a different way to me – one thread was ‘Finding Peace’.  There is  ‘Movedon’ who posted the following 
 

Hi to all, a few people asked me to put this letter for all to read – I have found it really helpful on many many occasions & I hope it will help any of you who read it too.
ENOUGH

A time comes in your life when you finally get it… When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.
This is your awakening.

You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairytale endings (or beginnings for that matter) and that any guarantee of "happily ever after" must begin with you and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are… and that’s OK.
(They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself and in the process a sense of new found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop ******** and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really ***** on is the unexpected.
You learn that people don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say and that not everyone will always be there for you and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety & security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers and you begin to accept people as they are and to overlook their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace & contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is as a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the **** you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look and how much you should weigh, what you should wear and where you should shop and what you should drive, how and where you should live, and what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry and what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin reassessing and redefining who you are what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn that it is truly in giving that we receive. And that there is power and glory in creating and contributing and you stop manouvering through life
merely as a "consumer" looking for your next fix. You learn that principles such as honesty and integrity are not the outdated ideals of a bygone era but the mortar that holds together the foundation upon which you must build a life.

You learn that you don’t know everything, it’s not your job to save the world and that you can’t teach a pig to sing. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry and that martyrs get burned at the stake. Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving and when to walk away. You learn not to project your ***** or your feelings onto a relationship.

You learn that you will not be, more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable or important because of the man on your arm or the child that bears your name. You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love…. and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms… just to make you happy. And, you learn that alone does not mean lonely…

You look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you "stack up."

You also stop working so hard at putting your feelings aside, smoothing things over and ignoring your *****. You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK…. and that it is your right to want things and to ask for the things that you want…and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands.

You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity and respect and you won’t settle for less. And, you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you to glorify you with his touch… and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. And you begin to care for it and treat it with respect. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear. So you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul. So you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn, that for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve… and that much of life truly is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen.
More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success you need direction, discipline and perseverance. You also learn that no one can do it all alone and that it’s OK to risk asking for help.

You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time… FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears because you know that whatever happens you can handle it and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms. And you learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening.

And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego. You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy and resentment must be understood and redirected or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you. You learn to admit when you are wrong and to building bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about: a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower.

Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself by yourself and you make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never, ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. You hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God (whatever you believe him/her to be) by your side you take a stand, you take a deep breath and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.
 
 
 

Author: Unknown
There’s always light at the end of the tunnel even if sometimes you have to try really hard to see it!
— 14/10/2010 14:09:21: post edited by movedon.
Quote Post

 

 

 

 

 

  
I hope I have got this right but I think one that you will relate to is ‘Lcat286’s’ thread ‘Husband with a gambling problem – how do I deal with this?’  I found that one on page 10.  although their marriage does not survive I think you will find support in her thinking.
All of the above have gone and left the addiction behind them.  There is a lot I wanted to say to you, particularly about your worries about **** and its relationship to addiction but I have got to go and do other things.
I am glad the lovely and inspiration Kathryn has told you that you are welcome on the Feel Good Challenge.   It is great when the forums are crossed supportively.
I will write again soon.   Don’t get too bogged down with the semantics of the addiction.
V (who seldom stays quiet for long!) 
 
 

[velvet]

Dear B
Please, please do not get stuck into the semantics of the addiction to gamble – you have lived with it and you are now living with a man who is newly out of rehab.   Leave the psycho-babble to others.   It often crops up on the site, in both forums, goes round and round in circles and gets nowhere – let those who want to study it unemotionally give it names.   What is professionally believed today can change tomorrow – what you have lived was reality and whatever name it is given it still hurt just the same.  
I went through the stage of wanting to make sense of the senseless.   I was fortunately that my CG was on hand to tell me to leave it alone.    It is how it affects us and what we do about it that ****** – not what it is called.   
I started off going to reply to your penultimate post but your latest post rather negates the one before.  
I think your conversation where he says he doesn’t care how you feel, ending up with him asking you how you feel if actually very good.   He did start off his ‘change’ process with no space for your feelings but you have talked about it and his honesty was great.   However, having been honest he then asked you how you did feel.   That to me is him moving a bit further into becoming empathetic, an emotion he has not felt before.   He didn’t ask you in the ‘first’ place – he asked you when he had thought about it, when a new though had been pointed out to him on his road of discovery.  
There will be many ***** when you will feel, I think, that he has no thought for your feelings – ***** when he has to tighten up on his control.  Betwixt ***** though he will gradually move forward – there is a lot for him to learn.
Be honest with yourself – are you willing to take intelligent risks in order to succeed? would it really matter if baby Berber cried a bit more when he was left with his Dad for a time?   My daughter always freaked out that her husband didn’t put his son’s coat on when it was cold – he grew up fine and strong but it caused terrific rows between them.     You have had a period of time alone with baby B and daddy B has some catching up to do – lots to learn.  Sorry if this is beginning to sound like Goldilocks?  
Do you discuss finances with him in a way he can understand, or is it ‘I want a CD?’ – ‘no you can’t there is no money’ (pregnant pause while he is left to work out why).   Brutally it can sound as though the addiction if being chucked up.  Tantrums are not pleasant but they need to be dealt with differently post-rehab.   Stopping gambling does not a perfect person make.   My CG is impetuous and I worried about it post-rehab but when I stopped to think I realised I was too.   He wants things he can’t afford – so do I.   What he learned is that he cannot have everything and to accept it – that is the difference – his desire is still there but I believe that has to be learned.   Perhaps you could talk about something you would like and discuss a time-scale for when you could afford it, so he can see that you impose the same restraints on yourself.
Your husband missed out on the swimming because he is treating his addiction seriously and you have been out for dinner.   In my view you are both doing well and your ups and downs are natural and to be expected.  
I am casting about for a quote about happiness – how about this?   With confidence we can be happy with our achievements and optimistic for our future.  
Keep smiling at each other – there is no greater revenge on the addiction.
V
 

[velvet]

Dear San
I’m sorry if I distracted discussing why CG’s stress.    What I am hearing in your post is a woman in great distress that will shortly not have the money to enable her son or possibly the health to do it either. 
What I feel strongly is that allowing your son to believe that ‘later has come ‘sooner’ is hopefully more beneficial for you and him.  
Each and every time your son taps you for money you will, in my opinion, lose another bit of San that is important to her overall health.   In the end with your mental health in shatters he will have to face the ‘fact’ that you are unable to enable him. 
You have gone to Switzerland with the hope of a better life with your partner.   Partnerships/marriages come under tremendous stress with this addiction in the mix and that to me is another big reason why it would be better to call a halt on enablement.   We don’t always get another go at happiness and you deserve the happiness that has been denied you before.   If you lose your relationship through this addiction, your son will have that stress to cope with as well.  
Unfortunately the texts will keep coming; the stress will keep landing on your doorstep until someone calls a halt.   He has no incentive to do so – he is indulging his addiction at your expense.
You won’t feel strong San – you are being battered and emotionally abused.  I started off incredibly healthy and finished up a complete mess.   Broken down San I was no good to anybody.    
Turn ‘you’ round San.  You can do it with your partner’s help.   Your son can stop gambling – if it wasn’t so I wouldn’t be here.    He has to want to stop gambling and as long as there is enablement it is a harder struggle to do so.  
Are you fighting your partner over this too?   I know that those who love those who love the CG feel helpless too.   They feel they should protect their loved one but they are shut out and it leads to feelings of failure which affects the relationship.   United with your partner you will be stronger.
If you think you don’t matter in the great scheme of things here you are wrong.   As part of the wreckage your son’s addiction if causing you will be impotent.   It is only in strength that this addiction is controlled.  
Do something for you today that forces this addiction out of your head and allows a ray of sunshine in – it is what your son will have to do it when he determines to control his addiction.    Has your other son gone home? 
You can do it San.  Your son can do it San.   Do not let your health slip anymore.  Believe in yourself and also believe that your son can overcome if he wants to enough.  
V  
 

[velvet]

Dear Kathryn
To think I have been reading your wonderful posts for 4 stupendous, inspiring years.   I am so glad to have met you even though it is cyber space – you make a difference to my life.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Adele
I promised I would reply to your post today. 
I have read and re-read your post and I have made a start on a reply but there is a lot in your words and I want to do them justice.    
Swinging from negative to positive is quite natural for anyone seeking to understand an addiction they do not own.
Never mind sending mixed messages – you are getting mixed messages and that is an active addition in full flood. 
I am going to send this because I said I would reply today.   I have people coming for dinner and I don’t know when they will leave.
I wanted you to know that you are in my thoughts and there is lots to say.
I will write fully as soon as I am free
V
 

[velvet]

Ok B
Calm down and enjoy your new man – it was another man who gambled before your wedding.   It is common for CGs to not turn up for the birth of their child because they are gambling – it is common for active CGs to lack empathy.
Don’t let this spoil his homecoming or all your dreams.  it is time to let go of the past.
Nothing you would write would surprise me – even if I heard his whole story — he has had the courage to face his addiction. 
He has trusted you by telling you how bad he has been – he will need you to move forward with him
V
 

[velvet]

Hi Loobs
I am glad you are having your hands kept full with good things which help stop the bad things taking up room in your head.
I hope the ‘gambling episode’ was just that for you – an episode in your book of life that you have been reading for a long time.   It is easier I think for you to turn the page now because you know the book will continue regardless of the storm in the last chapter.   Chapters with grandchildren and friends will follow on now and lighten your heart.   I sincerely hope to hear soon that your son decides to give himself a better chance in life and embrace recovery.  
It is so sad to hear how much damage some CGs seem to have to inflict on themselves before they realise that the only way forward to is to take the difficult route of recovery and total absinence.   Your son has certainly ducked and dived his way round that path for some time but each hurt he has caused himself does add up.  
I know he can change but he is still seemingly immature.   The fact that his family are moving on, growing in stature and refusing his addiction in their lives, could not be a greater incentive to him.  
I wondered if you were still reading.
As Ever
V
 
 

[velvet]

Hi BB
I love the idea of you wood-working and hopefully getting engrossed in something that keeps the crazy thoughts at bay.   I have also been the crazy woman and I am really pleased to tell you that when you are no longer in the shadow of the addiction, sanity returns and the crazy woman disappears – never to return.   When you have gained knowledge about what has hurt you and realised that you have the key to your own recovery, you can retake control of your own life and this is good for you, your children and your husband.  
I don’t know what your outcome will be but I do know that hundreds of members have passed through this forum and gone on to lives that are not controlled by the addiction of another.    Success, in this forum, is the non-CG living their life free of the addiction and I have seen it over and over.  
Being organised is far from a small accomplishment.   Crazy people cannot get organised – I know.  
It is a sad fact that the addiction will not allow the non-CG to stick their head in the sand for long – it is too demanding.   Please keep looking after you, put you first and your children will have a wonderful role model.   The more you look after you, the stronger you will be and the more you will be able to cope.  
Keep posting – when ‘you’ want to and  please tell us what you have created out of odds and ends – I am really impractical when it comes to wood – you have a gift and hopefully it is going to take your forward mentally while I hope your doctor can bring you relief physically.
V
 

[velvet]

Hi CL
Unfortunately answers cannot always be found.  I am glad Jenny picked up on your post and I am sorry I have taken so long to write to you – I have had friends staying and been unable to catch up
Your situation is far from unknown on this site.   We have many CGs who have struggled though the illness and death of a loved one and used gambling as an escape from reality – it is hard for them to recognise they are taking that sadness as an excuse for them to indulge their addiction.  
I wouldn’t be writing on here if I did not know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled – even when the CG has had terrible things going on their life.   Your sister if only 54 and has years ahead to live either in control of her life or to carry on letting an addiction control her.   She can do it.    
I cannot tell you what to do but I do know that continually texting or emailing a CG shores up their belief that regardless of how much they indulge their addiction there is always somebody behind them  -and that is enablement.   I am not judging, I cannot, I did all the wrong things for all the right reasons for far too long.   I was always chasing, always willing to listen and therefore also vulnerable.   My CG lives in control of his addiction and has done for  years.  He doesn’t blame me for enabling him because I didn’t know what I was doing and his addiction was more than determined that I should not know – but he said that as long as I enabled I unwittingly prevented his ‘turn around’, his acceptance that he had to change his life.
I cannot tell you whether to tell her friends or not – but friends can unwittingly enable when they don’t know that an active addiction is in their lives.   CGs tend not to have friends – the addiction uses people and then moves on when enablement ceases.  
Your sister does sound in need of treatment – she is wrecking her life and hurting those around her.  Unfortunately unless she wants to stop enough there is little you can do.  What you can do is plant the seeds or recovery and hope they grow.  
If you click on ‘Resources’ at the top of this page and then in ‘Select’ click ‘World’, and ‘Gambling Help.   Scroll down to Gamblers Anonymous – 20 questions.   I think it would be good if you could print them off – tick with a bright colour the questions you ‘know’ your sister should say ‘yes’ to and then send them to her.   I think putting them in her hands could be confrontational and confronting the addiction sadly doesn’t do any good – the addiction likes confrontation as it gives it further excuse to gamble because nobody understands.    Your sister might screw the questions up and throw them away but she might be tempted to read them and she would see what is known by you and hopefully see that her behaviour is recognisable and treatable.  Perhaps you could include phone numbers and meeting of GA in her area or information on this site.
I think if it was me that would be the last formal approach I would make and then I would wait and see if there was any reaction.  
We can kid ourselves till the cows come home that we can save our loved one from the terrible addiction to gamble but I think it is important for non-CGs to realise that they cannot save another they can only save themselves.  
I wasn’t there and didn’t know when my CG changed.   He had phoned me still denying his addiction and I mentioned a rehab – it was a passing, fleeting mention but it triggered a reaction that continued until his eventual change of life.   That is why I believe so much in that small seed.   I gave him a direction to go in but he had to do the rest.
It is a sad fact that your niece is also not saving her mother and she would be better looking after herself.  Her mother is not deliberately bringing her down but her addiction will take her down with it too if she allows it.  If she succeeds then her addiction has even more wreckage to cope with and another excuse to gamble further.
It is common for a CG to mention suicide and I am not belittling their belief in what they say but it is the biggest manipulative tool in the addiction’s arsenal and leads non-CGs to feel responsible.   The only person responsible for the behaviour of the CG is the CG but they have to be willing to change their lives to take that responsibility – until then the addiction will blame anybody and everybody.
I hope some of this helps but please post again.    I was not living with my CG when he changed his life – he changed it because he had, had enough and enablement had gone.  
You have done well posting
Velvet
 
 
  
 

[velvet]

Hi San
I see you have made a reference to the ‘beast’ so I am hoping you have read the coping mechanism that I and many others have found helpful.
I think it is particularly good in your case where you talk of the mother/son bond – a bond that is fully exploited by a CG. 
Your health concerns me because it will appear to you that it does not affect your son and I know that, that is hard to take.   You cannot believe that he lacks all compassion.
I would have told anybody when the addiction was at its height that there was no way in a million years that my CG could love me.   It has been one of the most wonderful things about him becoming gamble-free – his empathy is greater than most.   I don’t know exactly how this can be apart from the energy and effort the CG has to go into to change their life – they become more special for the effort.   I have even heard CGs in long term recovery thank their addiction for making them the people they are.  I know the sentiment.
You can abandon/reject his addiction without abandoning or rejecting him.   His addiction will tell him differently but his addiction drastically changes his reality to fit his personal perception and you cannot win against that.  You can know you are on his side and one day he will understand but as an active addict the concept is beyond him.
There is not one member I would imagine who has not felt a pain in their heart when they have seen the tears, seen the hand wringing and heard the desperate plea for help.   How could this person not be in ‘need’ of saving and surely as the parent and therefore responsible, not be the ‘only’ person who can really understand.   Unfortunately to our cost the parent/spouse/child finds out to their own cost that they cannot save their loved one and the way to love them is not the way that comes naturally.  You are not responsible – there is nothing you could have done to prevent your son’s addiction.   To love him is stand against his addiction and not feed it.
Your attitude to living is great – to live in the present is all that we can or should worry about – what has gone has indeed gone. 
Rejection is painful and many CGs have felt rejected in their early lives but as active CGs who have ‘used’ their relatives the feeling of rejection is different.   The relative is no longer enabling and that is different to rejection.  Don’t blame relatives when they don’t understand and have protected themselves against something they fear – the addiction is the only thing responsible for the rejection – not them.  I would like to think that when your son changes they will welcome him back but I know from experience how hard this is for many – few people bother to actually learn that the addiction is an illness of the mind and not just a selfish act.  
I understand the feeling of being concerned about rejection but I think that the non-CGs feels it more keenly.
We can of course talk easier in a group and I look forward to seeing you again.   I understand completely why you don’t feel free to write everything here. 
 
Keep telling him where to find support and that you know enabling him is wrong.  
Speak soon
Velvet 
 
 

[velvet]

Hi Mythea
I am so glad to read you didn’t gamble when you are doing so well.   Please keep going – these initial pains will be worthwhile when you look back and know that you have controlled your addiction.  Life will improve – I know I have seen it.
There is no shame in your struggle – you are showing courage and I, as a non-CG, ****** that courage.  
I don’t get over to ‘My Journal’ as much as I used to, as F&F takes my time but when I do, it great to read a post like yours – everybody on this site gets joy from the success of another.
Well done and don’t stop posting – however you feel.
Velvet
 

[velvet]

Dear Cat
Thank you for your post.   I wasn’t whingeing – I just know that anybody who plucks up the courage to come on this site has the strength and ability to change their life and it doesn’t take ‘me’ to tell them.   I love cheering people on but sometimes feel I am unable to give enough.
Cat – you ‘are’ living a gamble-free life – not working towards it.   There is no shortest or longest stretch to a life-time – you don’t know how long it is going to be.   You will know tremendous happiness as you live gamble-free, with time to care about yourself and money to spend on things that will bring ‘you’ joy and not feed the fats who live off the addiction of others.  
I can see and hear a gamble-free life being lived in my family and it is amazing.   You are amazing.  
Don’t let 7 months be a goal to beat – just for today.  
It must be comforting when urges come to know that you have others walking with you – I love walking with you.   I seldom get time to write in ‘My Journal’ anymore but I do read and I love to hear the positive strength that pours out from so many.
To overcome an addiction makes you a very special person.   Carry on enjoying your gamble-free life.
 Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Ell
I ‘think’ I might have answered you in my post already, indirectly.
Your heart appears to be telling you to let go but your mind is afraid to do so.  
Apart from a longer time without gambling Ell, I have no more to base my happiness on than you have.  If you let go, you will be like me.   We both love CGs, we are both aware what compulsive gambling means but we both want to let go, forget the sadness and celebrate our lives because our CGs ‘are’ controlling their addictions.   Nobody told me when to let go – it was my decision- nobody could tell me – I didn’t even know myself until it happened.  It would appear I could have done it after 9 months and the result would have been the same.   
I haven’t said it for a time but there is no judgement on this forum and I certainly cannot judge anyone.   Whatever you decide to do will be accepted by me.  
You are trying to see the solution from 2 sides and they are different but fundamentally you both want the same thing – to live without the compulsion to gamble in your lives.   Recoveries are different – they don’t conform but as long as they keep moving forward you will be going the right way.
Fear diminishes our lives.  The more effort you put into visualizing a successful outcome, depicting with crystal clarity what ‘you’ want to happen, the more your feelings of confidence with increase. 
I use the expression that I will not live with the addiction to gamble again.   Like me Ell – if you trust him and he lets you down badly again – you will know what to do.  
 
 

[velvet]

Dear Ell
I wrote this before I saw you had written.  I will post this as I don’t have time, at the moment to do more – but I will read and reply to your latest post soon..
You have 2 good replies there.
In my opinion a CG does not have a revelation as to why or how they own this terrible addiction – BUT – it is unnecessary for such a revelation because what they learn and what they can understand is that they can live in control of their addiction.  There are many, many theories expounded on the ‘why’.  Harry wrote recently that ‘gambling is a reaction to life’.  It is not necessarily a reaction I believe of a bad life or a good life.      
The most important revelation, the one that I do believe in – and which can only come with time – is the revelation that comes to a non-CG when they have trusted for a long time and not been let down.
Ell I accept that my CG is a compulsive gambler.   My joy came from feeling that I was in control of my life again.   I accepted that although my CG has his addiction for life, he desires more than anything to live in control of his addiction for life and therefore it was down to me to live my life to the full – just as he was going to do.  
I have no idea what my CG discussed in his rehab but it doesn’t matter – his memories were often false anyway so how could he remember or know all he had done – addiction counsellors are aware of this.   In the UK we say the proof of the pudding is in the eating, which means that if a true recovery is being lived then that is the proof but it does take time.  
CGs begin to see the way of truth when they are in recovery and they become lighter because they have laid a tremendous burden down but it is unfair, I think, to expect them to unpick that burden apart to find the reason ‘why’.    Of course they try and work out why, of course counsellors and psychiatrists try and work out why but this is where I have a problem.
I have 3 children – all raised with equal opportunity and love.   All of them had support and love and loads of fun and I valued honesty in the home.   Why one of my children has the addiction to gamble and the other two do not is beyond my comprehension.   I accept though, that it is, the way it is and it is the reason I ‘know’ you cannot get the revelation you want  because your husband doesn’t know ‘why’ and that is not an excuse
I have no reason to believe that if therapy lasts longer the trigger that causes the gambling will be found.    I believe the ‘right’ counselling; the ‘right’ therapy can be enough even if it is for short time but I do think it is better, for ‘your’ peace of mind that your CG continues for longer – and you are my concern.  
CGs do not need to find the cause for a change of life. The counsellor can help the CG think through their behaviour and when the CG really wants to live gamble-free they can teach new ways to cope with life.    The only thing that really matters, in my opinion, is that the CG changes and lives a life gamble-free.   It is what the non-CG wanted more than anything and I believe we have to try and accept that there are many things we will never know. 
Sorry Ell – It does come down to ‘time’ again.   It will be your greatest healer along with your husband living a decent life.   
If your husband continues as he is, one day you will feel lighter – one day you will feel able to forgive and one day you will feel able to trust.  I cannot give you a time scale.    I can only tell you that I walked that long lonely road before you – I didn’t force trust and I didn’t force forgiveness.   One day I forgave.   Later on I realised that I was happy and that I trusted my CG with his addiction – it was not for me to worry about – he was looking after his life and I had learned that looking after mine not only gave me peace of mind but made a difference to him.    
I am walking with you Ell and you are doing fine.   Don’t worry about signs – just keep going as you are.  How else can he prove to you that he is gamble-free than by living gamble-free?   It is what I live with and I am content.
As Ever
Velvet
 

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