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Hi Tanya
I hope that by talking, one of things I can help you feel stronger with is your feeling of rejection. Your partner doesn’t deliberately hurt you. His addiction renders him emotionally immature, lacking empathy, reason and logic.
Although it is not recognized professionally the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us cope.
Imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although forever watchful.
Your husband is controlled by that addiction but you are not. When you threaten that addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument. It is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not. Once it is between you, you will only hear the addiction speak and because it only knows ***s and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t *** but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind convincing him that I was ***** because he truly be***ved that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction is all about failure for the CG – they cannot win gambling because they cannot walk away. Squash you and the addiction wins – but however much your husband convinces you that he is in control – he is not.
It is incredibly difficult but if you be***ve what your CG is saying, you become more receptive to his addiction. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what he is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
Getting on with your own life is easy to say and difficult to do but it does work, it will support your partner and hopefully make you feel less tired. Doing something for yourself is often completely overlooked by those who have been living with the addiction to gamble. Your husband’s addiction will probably have been filling your mind every minute of the day. Try and find something that you will enjoy, something that has got nothing whatsoever to do with gambling. A massage, a new hair-style, a hobby – forgotten because of the addiction but previously enjoyed, going out with a friend, anything that takes your mind out of itself for sometime each day.
I am glad you are going to Gamanon – it is good to physically meet with people who ‘understand’ you as nobody else can. In my view, it is great to use this medium plus Gamanon.
There is a load more to be said but I will leave it there for now. You have done incredibly well writing your first post, I know the first post is the hardest.
We hold our hands out in the dark for so long, groping for understanding, I remember how amazing it was to find a hand in mine and to know I was among those who understood.
Speak soon
Velvet
Happy is she or he who can tell you ‘Today I’ve lived’.
Dear Madge
CGs generally need to be smart to stay on top of the manipulation game although given time the addiction unravels even the highest IQ. Unfortunately the addiction to gamble doesn’t give off signals like alcoholism or **** addiction. A CG doesn’t fall over, there are no needles, no ***** and their eyes are not spaced out. It is because of this that they are able too fool so many counsellors and therapists who have never dealt with this particular addiction. A CG doesn’t set out to fool – it is part of the addiction that they are capable of doing so well but a large part of the blame, in my opinion, is the inability of those who ‘should’ understand and recognise the symptoms and who are totally untrained.
Removing CGs from the environment where their addiction has flourished is, in my opinion, based on all the evidence I have seen, very good. It is very hard for a CG to change their life when the everyday world around stays the same – removing them from that world allows them to focus their minds. I think it is very disappointing to hear such negativity from people your husband has talked to. If everything he has been doing for 20 years has not worked – it makes sense to try something new.
Everything you have expressed I understand – the loss of a loved one is unbelievably painful but worse still is the loss of self because it takes away the ability to cope. I remember being unable to sign my name without making an error, inviting people round and then calling it off, forgetting where I was going and what I was doing. I was even tested for Alzheimer’s disease because I believed I was lost and I thought it was best to remove me from the world rather than inflict that illness on those I loved.
Hold on to the knowledge that you are worthwhile, you are unique and you are strong inside. Dig deep and know that you are still here, necessary to your children and you have an important role to fulfil.
I saw rehab as a break for me because I had no hope in anything anymore. None of us can ‘know’ what will happen but if we do nothing, then nothing will happen, Rehab and CBT has changed lives and it changed my CGs and mine.
I cannot know if it is true of your husband but many CGs are wrongly diagnosed as Asperser sufferers and it does make it harder for those who love them to know which way to turn first.
It is hard to answer your questions because we can only offer support – we cannot tell you what to do but I believe we have to have hope and worrying about what would happen ‘if’ rehab didn’t make a difference is a worry too many.
Your husband admits he is scared to deal with the **** inside him and this is something that I don’t think we can understand but there are those who can. There are skilled counsellors who can open a person up and let the **** out – but have the ability to close them again. Your husband does have to ‘want’ to deal with the **** inside him or CBT and rehab cannot work – this is usually the difference between a successful controlling of addiction or not. A rehab cannot make it happen – there is no magic pill – they do need the addict to be dedicated and determined and then they can work with them – I hope that makes sense.
I came up against negativity everywhere in the doctors and counsellors I met but finally with the right counsellors in the rehab my CGs changed his life.
I am not sure your husband can find the right place for himself but maybe you could. Find out all you can about the hospital that offers a CBT programme. Knowing what you know now maybe you can ascertain if they are the right place for your husband.
Don’t accept negativity from professionals – somebody, somewhere is the right person for your husband.
Keep posting, keep talking. It is an uphill struggle and you are right – the torture for you has to stop.
I took my CG to the rehab. I was told I was treating him like a child, that I was doing it wrong again – but I am glad I walked that last mile. I feel from your post you can walk one more mile with your husband and as long as you want to make that walk I will hold your hand and walk with you.
Yes, you have to look after yourself first. Yes – if you don’t look after you, then you will struggle to cope but you have coped so far and you have coped well.
The biggest weapon in the hands of an addiction is the mind of the victim. Free your mind. ‘Know’ that you are in control of ‘your’ life and that there is always hope.
You are not lost Madge. I can see you as clearly as anything. You are doing well – you are functioning – you are still here.
Velvet
Hi Debbie
I suspect that the annoyance you feel for yourself staying in the wrong environment, for as long as you did, comes out in anger at him and wanting bad things to happen to him.
When someone is so sad Debbie that they hurt something precious, then wishing them bad things is remembering them, which means, in my book, that you are allowing them in to your life to carry on hurting you.
If I allowed the addiction in my CG’s life to continue causing me anger and bitterness then I would be remembering it but it is a closed chapter – I am much further on. I have learned from it and I will use the experience to make me a better person – hence writing on here and caring about you.
The experience you had, which I know was bad, was part of ‘your’ life, ‘your’ experience and how you handle it now is all that matters. If we take bad experiences and turn them into something good then nothing is wasted and we can improve out lives.
Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. Either stop this communication or look at what you have got now and how far you have come and be proud of who you are now. This woman should not be mentioning her brother to you – ask yourself why is she doing this? If she is doing it to upset you then she is succeeding – you have handled bigger things than this Debbie – you have controlled your addiction. You have strength, you have power. This is not worth your concern.
V
Hi Larry
Have I taken you for granted or what?
I was catching up in ‘My Journal’ and then in Running Girl’s thread I saw that she missed your posts. I hastily searched until I found you, reassuringly only on page 2.
I have been giving my feelings some thought. Ever since I have been on this site there have been people you felt would post for ever and then there came a time when their posts lessened and there was a feeling of sadness and loss.
I am going to voice an opinion and it is mine alone – ready to be shot down in flames if I am mistaken. We know the addiction to gamble has no cure and if we thought there was one, then we would not be accepting the addiction and therefore would be in danger of complacency. Taking support is very much a part of that acceptance but I don’t believe that ‘giving’ support daily for ever is.
GA will always be around and I hope this site will be too. We should not feel sad for those who, in time, ‘lessen’ their support once they have learned to control their addiction and are able to handle their own lives with the sense of normality that they craved. I believe that it is important to give back when one has received support, for a time, but Step 12 can be covered by the way you continue to live and by living gamble-free you are a shining example – what better message could you convey?.
I saw a post from Geordie the other day – written on the thread of another which said that he was gamble-free, so he is obviously reading. I was tempted to pull his thread up to the top because I miss his controversial approach – never afraid to say exactly what he thought. I didn’t pull it up though because I believe he is saying he is ok and he knows the support is here. He gave back unselfishly for a long time and I know he then struggled but there he was the other day, supporting just by saying he was gamble-free.
I think we all want the Kathryn’s and the Larry’s to keep posting but as long as when their posts do come they are confident and full of life then I think that sadness is the wrong thing to feel when the posts have lessened. I think we should celebrate their strength and determination and strive towards the examples they have set.
I would love to have met you in real life – you have been a mainstay and an inspiration for me but knowing that you are ok is all that I want to know.
I wish you God Speed Larry. You have supported unstintingly and unselfishly and it is not selfish to take time for you now. I will look for you in the future but I really do understand the need to stand back.
Thank you
Velvet
Dear Kathryn
Accept the things you can do at the moment and don’t take on the emotional care of your sisters – they are big enough to look after themselves.
Accept the thing you cannot change dear Kathryn. I know I would not want my children to suffer for me – that is not why I gave them life. Your mum is ok and in a good place, a place of understanding, she believes she is on holiday and she is not crying but she would be, if she thought her lovely daughter was.
Worry about you – you are one person who can make a difference to how you feel and you know you need a holiday – your mum needs you healthy and happy. Work is work and if I have learned nothing in my life it is that no job is worth losing your sanity over. Everything will still be there when you get back. The assessment will not be so scary when you are refreshed and your batteries are re-charged.
Take each problem as it comes and deal with it. Remember the pile of pieces in the jigsaw – you can only do one piece at a time.
I have a dear friend with Alzheimer’s and nothing I could ever do or say will help but her husband is an example to me on how things should be done. They have loved each other for 40 years. He talks to her, brings her home once a week for a few hours and loves her as he has always done. He has been on a holiday this year because he knows he has to look after himself – for her sake. I know her well enough to know she would be proud of the way he is coping. I believe, from watching him, that you have done the best thing for your mum – it would be selfish to keep her at home, confused and getting the wrong meds. It is another chapter and it is a hard one but you have her grandchildren to care for and you have yourself – her child.
Your mum would never break your heart. So much weight on your shoulders and still you stand tall – how proud she must be of you. Her memories are locked in but they will be good ones.
I want to hear that your holiday was wonderful – as you are. You deserve this break and at the moment your mum believes she is only on holiday so nothing is set in stone.
You are so special – carry on living the great adventure for your mum – and selfishly for me too.
V
Dear B
I agree 100% that your husband ‘should’ clear your name with your in-laws but an ultimatum that he has ‘got’ to do it by a certain date concerns me. What if he doesn’t? It seems to me to be a tremendous pressure on someone so early in recovery.
Your husband’s behaviour ‘should’ give his parents the knowledge that you want passed on to them. If it was me (and this is only my opinion) I would give him time and watch for their behaviour to change towards you. If it doesn’t then I would think your husband has a duty, towards his wife, to talk to his parents but I am concerned he will not have your strength yet. I hope it is something he can raise with them but I am wary of an ultimatum to do so.
One of the things I have learned in my recovery is that it is possible to regret speech but never silence. There have been a couple of issues (not related to my CG but as a result of the addiction in our family life) that have left me seriously distressed. In my pre-recovery I would have launched in because I don’t like lose ends. I still don’t like lose ends but with the benefit of hindsight I am finding that those who have distressed me have changed more because of my silence than my speech. In one instance there has been no closure but the person who caused the distress is working overtime trying to please without giving it, which is harder for them I think.
I’m not sure how he intends to work the 12 steps with you. I have done them and I believe they work in a separate recovery – his with GA yours with non-CGs. I think it would be a one-way traffic from your husband and I am sure that is not right for you.
The Gamanon 12 steps is the same apart from the 1st step which is altered to
1 We admitted we were powerless over the problem in our family.
To admit our powerlessness over the problems we face gives us a wonderful feeling of release. We learn we are not responsible for the gambler’s problem. We cannot stop the gambling, no matter how we try. We also learned we are not to blame for the gambling. With this understanding of our powerlessness, we begin to feel free to concentrate on our own problems.
I know that many non-CGs in my group (including me) struggled with different steps. It was only within a group of like-minded souls that I accepted many of them –one in particular. I remember a lot of emotions that came up in my group that were best left within the group but we did always manage to come to a calm understanding before we went home. I think I would be inclined to suggest he works his 12 steps with his sponsor and perhaps remind him that you have to work your recovery too.
Counsellors have the ability to open a person up and close them again. My feeling is that loved ones can open each other up far easier than they can find closure.
I hope to speak to you in a group soon. I also hope I am making some sort of sense. I know you will come back if I am not.
V
Hi B
Just a quickie – in the GA/Gamanon group I was involved with, on the evening when we joined forces there was only sharing. Feedback only occurred when the groups were separate. I think the privacy of being with those who understood you led to the more honest, blunt approach. For instance CGs can be judgemental with each other but don’t need non-CGs chipping in and vice versa.
Sorry Baby Bear is having a tough time with teething – it must be rotten when those sharp bits force their way through your gums and then be told that visits to the dentist are important to keep them.
Hopefully ‘ see’ you soon and you can vent away
V