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Hi Lori
I hope you are ok – post again. You can do this
VelvetHi Stressed
Welcome to Gambling Therapy.
You showed you yourself for a second in a group last night and I didn’t have time to welcome you – you are more than welcome in a group – just type in the box next time and I will answer you. We will be communicating in real time which is obviously quicker than the forum. It is also good to see your thread started as it gives more time for consideration.
I am just about to open another group so I can’t write much at the moment. I will reply to you asap – I just want you to know as quickly as possible that you have been heard.
In the meantime – welcome you have come to the right place
Velvet
Hi TbT
Now Twilight has found you so I hope you have gained something from this site that you have not had before – complete understanding from someone who has stood in your shoes and who is still standing and willing to help others – her father’s addiction to gamble did not destroy her.
It is very difficult in life to accept hard truths but often by accepting something that is horrible we learn to cope with it in a way we hadn’t thought of before.
Your mother is the loser in your relationship – you are stronger than she is and you have the ability to make something wonderful out of your life. To destroy yourself over somebody else’s addition is a waste of a life, a life in which ‘you’ can make a difference.
You are what matters Truth. Can you talk to your doctor about the physical steps you can take to better yourself without financial backing? Can you work? Do you have friends to support you?
I realise that what I am about to say is easier to write than it is to accept but I hope you will give it some thought. Hating someone hurts you more than them. I appreciate how you feel and I am not going to denigrate your feelings by saying I understand. Your mother addiction hates her – it is destructive to her and all those around her. I know this is difficult but if you allow hate to rule ‘your’ life then the addiction has claimed you as well. Rise above your mother’s addiction – realise how important you are. Don’t let her addiction make a victim of you.
I hope we hear from you again soon. It is important for us that we get feed-back to know if we are helping you or not. It is important for us to know in which direction to offer you the support you need most.
Velvet
Hi BB
I have just read a post dated 12th August in ‘My Journal’ the thread ‘Day Two is Still a Day Away’, written by Paul 315 where he talks about ‘shouting’ a strong yes because he read in question 19 or the Gamblers anonymous 20 questions ‘did you ever have an urge to gamble to celebrate good fortune by a few hours of gambling’. He had made his decision to live gamble free and he was so enthused by it he gambled. It happens.
Complacency is the greatest danger to the CG in recovery. Accepting that they will always be CGs but that they must control this addiction for life is tough. Personally I think it is tougher than any decision most non-CGs will ever take and we cannot know how we would cope. Your husband has tested his addiction because he stopped believing he was a CG but slips do not have to be negative, working through a slip can make a CG stronger for the future
Your husband should put his disappointment behind him. For 32 days he has enjoyed the freedom of being gamble-free even if they were not the easiest days. He has let himself down and I am pleased he knows it but a clean date is there for him. I wish him well.
V
Dear Vc
I hope you post again soon.
It is very difficult when a CG (compulsive gambler) earns enough money to cover the addiction. Unfortunately the addiction has longer to work away secretively, causing greater damage to those who love the CG and also the mind of the CG.
I did everything wrong for all the right reasons for so many years so I hope you will not find me judgemental when I tell you that CGs do not react well to ultimatums. Your husband is unable to think rationally or logically about his behaviour – he be***ves that gambling bring him over-whelming joy – he is totally unaware of the price that will be exacted from him and those who love him, for such a be***f.
I cannot tell you what to do, I have no crystal ball, I cannot tell what the outcome of your situation will be. I do know that you are more important than you realise. You cannot stop your husband gambling but you can help the one person you need to help and that is ‘you’.
If he is still absent from the family home, please try and use this time doing things that please you – things you have not done because the addiction has been filling ‘your’ head 24 hours a day as you sought to save you husband. See friends, shop, have a massage and think of anything else other than addiction. Feel refreshed, stronger – know that you are not controlled unless you choose to be.
Fighting your husband will not make a scrap of difference to his be***f in his addiction. I think it is good, although difficult; to know that arguing about a CG’s ***s is a waste of time. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your husband is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
A non-CG loses self-esteem and confidence – that is what the addiction wants and ***** from the loved one so that it can be enabled – it does not like being thwarted. I be***ve the way to thwart an addiction is to confuse it by regaining your confidence and self-esteem – by knowing that you are not to blame, that you are unique and special, that you are stronger than your husband who is owned by an addiction and you are not.
A CG is emotionally immature and just like a child who has had his toys removed your husband has behaved angrily and irrationally. You wouldn’t give in to a child who was screaming at you to return it’s toys when you know the toys are dangerous but you would probably seek other ways to educate that child. Unfortunately your husband is an adult and capable of greater hurt and harm than a child – but the principle is the same. Give in to his addiction and you will live with it and its consequences. Stand up for yourself and refuse to live with the addiction but learn about it because knowledge brings power.
Although it is not recognized professionally the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us cope.
Imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although it never sleeps.
Your husband is controlled by that addiction but you are not. When you threaten that addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument. It is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not. Once it is between you, you will only hear the addiction speak and because it only knows ***s and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning. I doubt you even know how you got into the huge fight that resulted in his departure – his addiction chose that fight – not you.
My CG explained it to me by saying (for instance) that when I told him that if he didn’t *** but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind convincing him that I was ***** because he truly be***ved that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction has no love for the CG nor for those who love them – its victory is ‘failure’. However much your husband convinces you that he is in control – he is not.
I hope you are still reading and that you post again. I fully appreciate you love your husband but I know that looking after ‘you’ is the greatest support for you and for him.
Well done on writing your first post
Velvet
Dear Larry
How pleased I am that I came across and saw your post and to know that Today is such a Special Day.
Today you have made me smile – Today you have given me more hope – Today you have made it all worthwhile.
Thank you for being here
Velvet
Hi BB
I haven’t got long tonight but I just wanted to comment on the worry you expressed about becoming hard.
I think that unless a person shuts down a large part of themselves when they change from old behaviour to new then they will struggle to cope. Life is scarily difficult during this period and building up resistance takes all your energy. Five years down the line, or even a lot less, you will feel compassion for others again because you were compassionate before although maybe it will show itself differently?
I feel compassion every time I read another new post but I never cry for members as I might have done a few years ago. I know now that the addiction to gamble can be controlled but more importantly, I believe that every member of this forum can move on and live a life without the addiction wrecking it – not only that, they can if they allow it, take the experience and make it into something of value.
I get a far greater boost out of people overcoming difficulties in their lives than I ever did before. I feel it is easier to praise to people than I did before. I think that crying with others, although done compassionately, didn’t really help them. I think being strong, not hard, helps others and that to me is compassion.
Do I get impatient? Yes of course it can happen – I want things to change sometimes before people are ready but then I remember how long I took and realise that I should be the last one to judge..
I am concerned that you are feeling more stressed because you are acting as a buffer for your CG. I do understand and I cannot tell you what to do but he does have to learn to cope with some stress without using it as an excuse to gamble. I am sure you are very aware of what I am saying though.
V
Dear TbT
I am so glad that you had the strength to write your post. I am aware that it must have taken a lot out of you and I admire you for doing it.
I am not going to try and excuse the addiction to gamble to you. You are the person who is asking for support and you have come to the right place.
I am hoping that Twilight will find you quickly – not only is she the child of CG who is now an adult but she has written a book about being the child of a CG which I found powerful reading. You might like to look at some of her threads.
Not every woman who gives birth comes with the maternal feelings that society thinks they should have and I am not a believer in unconditional love. I understand the strength of your feelings and I cannot judge.
I would love for you to come into a group so that we can talk in real time – the ***** are in the box at the top of the forum page. I cannot ascertain your age from your post and you might not want to give it on an open forum which I understand.
I have to go and see to some commitments in my life but I wanted to welcome you as quickly as possible and to let you know that I will hold your hand for as long as you want me to.
Well done writing – I will write again very soon
Velvet
Hi Adele
It is good to see you back again and with such positivity.
Things ‘changing inside us’ can be scary. I suspect you are afraid that with change you might not like yourself. I think it is a bit like us turning detective. Trust has been an integral part of our lives and snooping is something that is foreign to us – I hated it. It is great that we have this site where we can realise that we are not alone with this behaviour but more importantly to realise that this behaviour passes – we do not spend the rest of our lives mistrusting and digging around looking for something bad. Free of the addiction, trust can return, unless we want to hang on to mistrust thinking it a better way to live – I don’t and I know you won’t!
How well I remember the sledgehammer of truth and the way I fought it tooth and nail. Numbing is exactly the way I would describe the transition between old and new behaviour. Like an anaesthetic it will wear off and you will feel confident again.
You are not thinking about the addiction all the time, or your addicted husband so much because you have sloughed off the need to save him – that is not the same as stopping loving someone. Your husband has two ways of dealing with what has happened – he can either change his life or carry or regardless but without you picking up the pieces all the time. Both ways are changes with implications for him. My CG rode off into the sunset more determined than ever that he was going to prove me wrong – his addiction was going to bring him a life that would amaze everybody.
I would imagine that it is terrifying when a CG flies solo with an addiction that is so holed it keeps crashing – every crash must hurt but determination to prove the addiction is airworthy drives the CG back into the pilot’s seat, blind to the fact that they are not in control. The addiction can struggle on crashing and winching itself up with more bits of wreckage flying off, with the CG constantly struggling to control the inevitable hoping someone will throw them a life-line and keep them aloft.
Without you as his co-pilot you have given your husband the freedom to try and prove his addiction cares about him. You know it doesn’t, I know it doesn’t – you can only wait and pray that ‘he’ will learn soon that it doesn’t. It would appear from his last communication that he is hoping you are still there to save him when he crashes again.
In the meantime you have chosen to live without the addiction in your life. It is a choice I have made and it is unalterable. Something changed in me and I believe it was good and necessary – I have no regrets about the change and I am not hard, so don’t be afraid. You made your informed decision and that is all any of us can do. You have re-taken control of your life and you have allowed him the chance to take control of his.
Recovery for you will be up and down. There will be ***** of doubts and despair, there will be the inevitable ‘what ifs’ and ‘if only’. I can only ****** you that I do not do ‘what if?’ or ‘if only’. There comes a plateau – a peaceful understanding – that you did the right thing for the right reason.
I sincerely hope, along with you, that your husband will change his life but in the meantime I will walk along with you for as long as you want me to because ‘your’ recovery is so very important. I know you will get through this. I love the way you are dealing with your situation. There is no harm in exploring the idea of being single, you have been single for some time already without knowing it and now you are tightening up and protecting your relationship with yourself. Nothing is final; nobody should ever tell you what to do.
Well done
Velvet
Dear Blublu
I can relate to every word you have written – even down to your processes of thought. The lack of material things don’t make sense, the lack of money doesn’t make sense, the destruction of statements doesn’t make sense, trying to make you think that you are not mentally right doesn’t make sense UNTIL you come to the understanding that a terrible addiction to gambling could be at the core of your problems. I sincerely hope that it will give you some re***f to ‘know’ that there is a ‘reason’ why you have had this struggle although now, of course, you are left with working out what you are going to do about it. Re***f goes out of the window but I hope in it’s place will come knowledge and understanding that will help you cope and give you power over that which has been hurting you.
I hope your parents do get repaid although repaying debts is never high on the priorities with a CG (compulsive gambler). Money is a means to an end – to make the gamble possible because the gamble is all that matters. There is no point in trying to make sense of the insensible and although I cannot tell you what to do I think that accepting you cannot understand what it is like to have this addiction will help. The people who understand ‘you’ are those who have experienced what you are going through. If you have a local Gamanon group I hope perhaps you could join it although I am not sure if your husband has to drive you, as he is your carer, which will make physically seeking help more difficult. Maybe if would be good if he knew you wanted support even if he says he doesn’t need it.
At the top of this page click on to ‘Resources’ and in ‘Location’ scroll down to ‘world’. Click ‘Gambling help’ and then ‘Search’. Scroll down to ‘Gamblers anonymous – Twenty Questions’. Most compulsive gamblers will answer yes to at least seven of these questions. In my opinion most members who have lived with the compulsion to gamble will also be able to answer yes to at leave seven of those questions which hopefully will help you ‘know’ what you are of are not dealing with. Maybe you could print them off and tick the ones you ‘know’ relate to your husband’s behaviour – perhaps he is unaware that he has a known addiction but that there is support for him.
Unfortunately GT is not funded to cover the UK and although I could not reject you I have to redirect you to gamcare.co.uk for your future support. In the meantime I will give you as much as I can in this post.
From what you have said you have read the ‘F&F cycle’ thread that I have on the site. I will drag it up for you again anyway.
I am also sorry that a lot of what I am giving you is copied from other posts I have done previously but sadly because it is Sunday I have other commitments – I just want to make this post as comprehensive as I can.
Although it is not recognized professionally the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us cope.
Imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although forever watchful.
Your husband is controlled by that addiction but you are not. When you threaten that addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument. It is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not. Once it is between you, you will only hear the addiction speak and because it only knows ***s and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t *** but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind convincing him that I was ***** because he truly be***ved that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction only teaches failure for the CG, it has no love for the addict or those who love them. However much your husband convinces you that he is in control – he is not.
If he strikes you Blu then he is not displaying ‘normal’ CG behaviour. CGs normally get enablement by charm and striking is never charming. There is a group called WA who deal with violent behaviour towards women – please get in touch with them. You are not a punch bag – you are not an excuse for your husband’s addiction, nor are not to blame for your husband’s addiction.
I looked up CODA and there many different groups but I think you are talking about the 12 step co-dependency programme. It is hard not to give ultimatums hoping they will change someone but they don’t work with the addiction to gamble – unless you mean it 100% and carry it through.
I sincerely hope you can talk to your parents about the situation you are in although I know the addiction to gamble divides fami***s as it feeds on ***s and secrecy. Unfortunately unless people have lived with the addiction to gamble, their opinions can be very narrow and not supportive, so personally I think it is best to tell others as a statement rather than asking for opinions. It I best, I think, to gather all the information you can and then make your own informed decision but it is good to do it with support.
There is a terrific rehab in the UK called Gordon house and there are details below this forum about it in GMA residential treatment. I wouldn’t be writing on here if I didn’t know that this addiction can be controlled but it is possible that your husband is unaware and afraid of trying to control his demons. Once again though this does not mean he has any right to hit you, blame you or pull you down.
You said in your first paragraph that if was hard to express in print the things he was saying about winning. You could have written me a book about it and I would have understood everything.
I hope I have given you enough food for thought and enough support to help you realise that you need not be a slave to his addiction so let the chains fall off. Freedom and slavery are often mental states. You do not have his addiction. You do not have to be controlled by his addiction.
Have a look at our F&F Topic forum under this one. We focus on specific issues – one of which is enablement. Don’t feel guilty – guilt will hold you back. I unwittingly enabled for 25 years so there is no judgement here.
I have to go but I will leave you with the Serenity Prayer that we say every Tuesday evening at 8.55pm to join with anyone in the world who wants to feel part of an understanding group. If you want to put your hand out, I will be holding it in cyber space.
There are many Serenity prayers. The first is the best known, the second is my favourite.
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the difference.
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the thing that I can
And Wisdom to know it is me.
You will be in my thoughts on Tuesday evening. Copy your post and re-post in gamcare.co.uk. I know it took a lot for to write and you are brave having done so. I wish you well.
Velvet