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Dear Madge
Please believe the world is not crashing down on you. As the poem ‘Yesterday Today and Tomorrow’ testifies, the sun will rise tomorrow regardless – all you can worry about is today. I completely believe that your husband would try and substantiate some of his exaggerated deductions with false documents – he is totally blinkered to reality – but you are not.
Your husband saying he is really sick and ***** help is no small thing. Unfortunately the craziness can get to this sort of desperate situation before the CG finds the determination to change. The ball has been taken out of his court – his lack of control will be sending alarm bells rocking his addiction. His addiction is failing him – he is being uncovered, unfortunately what he does about it is still in his hands.
Don’t underestimate your importance in all this madness Madge. You are not crazy but you have been dragged into a crazy world. You and the kids will get out of it. You are capable of sitting down and working your way through problems. If you have the money don’t let yourself drown in bills. Debt is demoralising – it doesn’t worry the CG but you are aware of what it means. The retaining wall, the trees, the car are all pieces of the jigsaw that can be sorted. Your husband’s addiction is the piece of the jigsaw that doesn’t fit yet but hopefully this mess, he has created, will open his eyes. it is important that you do not take responsibility for his mess – you cannot love him out of this.
When you get the opportunity, I suggest you talk to those who are frightening you – your husband is not the first CG to get his family in a mess like this. I cannot tell you what to do but I believe in being upfront and honest. Your husband is sick and you didn’t know, until now, exactly what that meant but you are doing something about it – you are not sitting on your thumbs. Your husband is not a criminal, his illnesses are not something to be ashamed about – his life has been out of control but you are trying to do something about it.
You have strengths as yet untapped Madge. Take each problem and break it down into small pieces and you will cope.
You are in my thoughts and prayers
Velvet
Dear Adele
Why do we do it? We try and cover every scenario and then it doesn’t happen as we thought, what then?
Let’s look at each of your concerns. You are not confident, yet, that you have the proper coping skills to deal with your CG. There is no badge or medal to show you have come top of the class in confidence – if there was I wouldn’t have it yet. You are ‘aware’ of your husband’s addiction in a way you have never been before – that awareness is ‘in’ you now and whatever you do it will work for you.
You don’t think he understands things are changing for you but he can’t ‘understand’ because the changes in you are not visual. His behaviour will hopefully react to your change but he won’t notice it as he would a new hair style. He can’t see you climbing into the driving seat and putting his addiction under serious threat.
Worse still he ‘will’ have noticed changes in you and be scared you are leaving him. – He is an active CG whose prior interest, above any grandchildren or life that ‘you’ think he should care about most, is the next gamble. ‘If’ he tries the emotional ********* then your new found confidence that ‘really is there’ will not be so easily fooled. Active CGs weep because they are afraid that time is being called on their addiction. Non-CGs are suckers for tears and how the addiction knows it. The addiction to gamble produces crocodile tears. We try to believe the loved one shares ‘our’ emotions, we want the tears to be real but the loved one’s addiction has one motivation and that is to satisfy it’s craving – it cries only for itself.
I am sure your husband will enjoy fresh clothes and all the things that are important to you but they are mere trappings to an active CG. You will exude the difference in you – you don’t need to make things clear to him. Nobody can ‘make’ a CG see things clearly unless they want to see.
If he didn’t behave as though nothing has happened it would be surprising. CGs do behave as though past behaviour has not happened – it is symptomatic of the addiction. If he did behave as though something has happened then he would be moving towards accepting his addiction. You are ready for this Adele. You are as ready as any of us would ever be at the stage you are at.
I understand you miss him – but you miss the man, not his addiction. Unfortunately until he determines to change, the two things are inter-twined. It is the addiction you are fighting not the man you love and you are fighting it because you love him.
The ‘only’ concern I have in your post is that you say you are not sure you ‘want’ to deal with his addiction just yet. I understand this. It is messy and if you can put it off maybe things will just change without any effort. I put it off for 25 years so I can’t judge – but there never will be a right time. You have started taking over the driving, if you slump back into the passenger seat allowing him to drive on recklessly then his addiction will be right there beside you.
I cannot tell you what to do (as you know) but I think you should stop worrying about what if this and what if that. You will have changed whether you wanted to or not. I can’t go back to the unwitting innocent that I was anymore than you can – we can’t undo what we know and we try and forget at our peril.
There is no need for rows or ultimatums that have no effect anyway. Be yourself when he comes home and allow the knowledge (and confidence) that you do have carry you through. I have read your post to BB – you meant what you were saying – you are ready, you are strong. If the visit does result in the neutral chit chat, then so be it, we can talk about it afterwards. At the moment you have too many what ifs floating about and you probably need this visit to realise how you have changed and possibly how he has too. I will look forward to your post-visit post but whatever it says we can deal with it. The metaphor ‘Rome wasn’t built in a Day’ has just sprung into my mind. You are putting bits of your jigsaw together – it is probably the biggest puzzle you will ever do and it is never going to be finished in one visit.
I hate feeling vulnerable too and it still happens at ***** but I do now know that I can rise above it – as you will.
Velvet
Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire first.