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Hi James
Welcome to Gambling Therapy – I see you have heard from the lovely Ell who is doing so well in her recovery.
You say you are part of the problem but you are not responsibly for your wife’s addiction. You ‘may’ be stalling her desire to change but you cannot stop your wife gambling.What you can do is look after yourself. It may seem a rather disappointing answer to your worries but it does make a massive difference. If your wife wanted to change her life and remain gamble-free, she would have to deal with all the damage her addiction has wrought. If you are part of the wreckage that inevitably surrounds this addiction it will be harder for her to change her life. It is difficult, I know, for the loved one not to remind the CG (compulsive gambler) that their addiction has indeed caused endless suffering when they are fed up, depressed, confused and angry. The more knowledge you get of the addiction to gamble, an addiction that your wife didn’t ask for, or want any more than you, the better you will cope. The addiction to gamble turned me into a pathetic blob unable to function on any level – my CG did nothing to help and to all intents and purposes didn’t care whether I suffered or not. Allowing myself to be brought down by his addiction fed that addiction and changed nothing.
I think we can blame hormone imbalance for many things and it may be contributory but I think it is better to treat the addiction for what it is – a controlling and destructive addiction that will take you both down as far as it can, ‘if it is fed’.
Although it is not recognized professionally the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us cope.
Imagine your wife’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although it never sleeps. Threatening her with divorce or separation, unless you mean to carry it through, will not worry the addiction but will give her another excuse to let her addiction run amok because she can blame you. If you don’t go through with the threat then the addiction sees a weakness and will exploit it.
Your wife is controlled by addiction but you are not. When you threaten that addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument. It is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not. Once it is between you, you will only hear the addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your wife cannot comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction, however, was distorting his mind convincing him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction is all about failure for the CG which has no love for the addict or those who love them. However much your wife convinces you that she is in control – she is not.
It is enabling the addiction when the loved one clears gambling debts but I am aware how difficult this is when you are dealing with joint expenses in the home. I think it is important that you protect your finances and that she doesn’t have any access to them.
CGs often blame their loved ones for being controlling – it is another excuse for them to gamble. Gambling to a CG has nothing to do with money – it is purely the gamble that excites.
I would never ask you to leave or stay with your wife. All I ask is that you stick with this forum and this site, there is so much to learn, until you are ready to make your own informed decision.
Your wife is definitely not trying to drive you crazy with her addiction – the fact that living with the addiction does drives you crazy is not the desire of the CG. Furthermore it is my belief that we can allow the addiction to drive us crazy or we can change and look after ourselves.
You say you are both introverted but you do have some friends. Has your wife got any friends and if so can you connect to their husbands? What things interest both of you? What did you like doing together before the addiction drove its wedge between you?
It is very easy to allow the addiction to take over our minds 24 hours of every day and in doing so we help nobody. Make sure that every day you do something just for you, something that pleases you and while you are doing it, do not allow the addiction to enter your mind. Talk to you wife about things you would like to do. It is so easy, when the addiction is at the forefront of your mind, to talk about little else other than their gambling .
It seems from the fact your wife begged you to return that she does want your marriage to succeed. Maybe you could encourage her to come on this site – there is a terrific thread in ‘My Journal’ called ‘Believe’ by Kathryn. Kathryn is living in control of her addiction. She will reply if your wife writes on her thread.
I would not be writing to you now if I did not ‘know’ that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result. Many CGs who live gamble-free talk about the addiction being a spring-board, giving them richer, fuller lives because they have had to do so much soul searching. I believe that it is important for both F&F and CG to turn this addiction around – to make something good out of something bad or we have suffered for nothing.
I have brought up my thread ‘The F&F Cycle’ for you. I hope it will give you some insight and also let you know that you are among those who understand.
Well done on starting your thread. I look forward to hearing from you again and perhaps meeting you in an F&F group.
Velvet
Dear Ell
I have always time for you. I will reply over the weekend.
V
Dear Deb
I think your comment ‘Rome wasn’t built in a day’ is the comment of a CG who is living the gamble-free life and living it with maturity and understanding.
I have felt exclusion as a result of my behaviour during the years the addiction was affecting me, even if it was vicariously. It has been a slow process but with my eyes open and a mouth that has learned to stay silent at appropriate times, things for me are changing and changing to something really special.
In my opinion, our old behaviour takes time for others to forget totally – we know we are changed but trust is difficult for those who lived with our old behaviour. I am sorry that you feel hurt at times but the new you will be winning more trust every gamble-free day. You could ask to be included in a bowling or movie trip – your kids have possibly gone so long, without thinking of asking you, they may feel that maybe you don’t want to go. Taking the first step is the hardest – as you know.
I hope you have a great weekend
V
Dear Ell
It is my wish that they sign too. Both of you deserve reward for all the hard work you have put into your business.
Without your CG the project would have been more difficult, without his Ell your CG would have been struggling to raise his head with dignity. This position you have found yourselves in has taken two of you and I thank you for sharing it with us.
Please let us know as soon as the signatures are safe so I can breathe out.
VI am so sorry I missed this
V
Thank you.
Hi San
I am glad you are putting plans into action to protect your health.
I wasn’t trying to teach my granny to suck eggs when I talked about siblings etc., I hoped to let you know that I understood and I only understood because I had stood where you are standing now.
Our stories are different but you, Monique, Vera and I are all mothers and in that we have an innate understanding of each other, I think.
I hope that with your replies you feel stronger. I liked your line about getting therapy ‘I have lots of options to find out about, but I will, don’t you worry’.
Is your son saying he has been beaten up? Unfortunately even a beating does not necessarily stop the addictive drive. I am glad you are saying you are not naïve to think the shaking up will last long. I think when you think ‘this’ will wake my CG and it doesn’t it is another kick in the teeth – it is better, in my opinion, to take each day as it comes without expecting any change but of course to never give up hope.
Your last post does seem a little more positive. I am fascinated by an online kebab and pleased you are feeding your son, not his addiction.
Well done
V
Dear San
Certainly not the best Saturday for you – so I hope this female cyber friend will help a bit.
Siblings do not always cope well. They have a conflict of interest. The can think they understand their siblings better than the parent. In reality they often do not ever understand what is going on and why their parent appears absent in thought to them. If the parent takes their eye off the ball, the sibling can feel rejected, unloved, used and angry – they can resent the CG more and be less and less willing to understand. You can be lured into a false sense of security believing their shoulders are big enough but they are not and I don’t think it is their fault.
Do you have a brother or sister?
You know I can’t tell you what to do but based on experience it might be better not to mention the CG to the sibling unless the sibling raises the subject or appears to be being manipulated. I can/will say a lot more about this in a group.
Marriages/partnerships struggle with the addiction of a child and the addicted child will be completely unaware. The addiction is divisive and rips people apart. I would imagine you tried to talk to your partner about all the stuff that was whirling round in your head and he had, had a belly-full.
I have found that in most cases there is one person in a family who takes the brunt of the addiction, not just from the CG but from all those around. I don’t mean this as literally as it sounds but provided one person in ‘dealing’ with the mess the others sit back a bit and let them get on with it. When the person the addiction is targeting seeks a shoulder to cry on the support melts away and other hidden feelings come into play. They want ‘their’ lives to be free of addiction. I think that many husbands/partners/siblins can feel they have let their wife/partner/siblings down because they cannot protect them and instead of giving the necessary support there can be angry words and blame. More blame on top of the blame already being heaped up by the CG leads to cracking point. That is why I think it would help if you could get some therapy – you need to talk to someone who can listen and support without judgement or blame.
I can’t remember if you have a Gamanon or not – my vague memory says you don’t have one. That was my refuge.
The tough message, I believe, is that your partner and your daughter want you free of this worry. They are suffering in their own way that they cannot have you as they want you. You said you cleared your head by the lake – did this happen in fact because if it did – use it as a place of safety but tell your partner where you are going. Don’t cut him out and leave him more worried because in his own way his worries are probably different but equal.
I have pulled a ligament in my foot and as such I am unable to leap about much today. I will watch the screen at intervals and be here for you.
I want to say to you that it would be terrific if you could determine that this Saturday is the last one that will be ruined by the addiction. Your son is harassing your partner, I believe, through facebook. I don’t understand facebook but can he close down your son’s ability to harass him. Maybe he could say ‘if you want to talk about anything other then money or threats this line of communication stays open – if not I will close it down’. He will have to do it if the threats and manipulation don’t stop.
Your partner is important to ‘your’ health San. I know how far this addiction can push us to lose that which is precious to us – perhaps you could let him know that you don’t ‘need’ him to be in the line of fire.
Talk to me until you can find a physical person to talk to. I am going to get a coffee but I will check back soon.
V
Dear Ell
Are things ok with you now?
It is a pity that your concerns with the new site have somewhat taken over from talking about your recovery.
I hope you are still giving your feelings freedom and that your husband gamble-free days are flourishing with his lovely Ell.
I hope to hear from you soon and even better to see you in a group.
As Ever
V
Hi Liz
You are on the verge of a new and exciting adventure and I wish you well.
Please get yourself banned immediately from the casino.
A new home in a new area Liz can be a good time to make new and very determined resolutions – your happiness in your new life is the most important thing.
Put your shell turtles where you can see them when you leave your home as a reminder of all that was good in your past and also all that what was not good. There could never be a better time to put all that was not good behind you – let the turtles act as conductors who always point your feet in a safe direction.
I don’t write on your thread much but I have read it many times and got inspiration from it. Move on and live that normal life you crave – you can do it.
Velvet
Dear P
Everything you write says you are learning and growing. ‘Normal’ can be pretty mundane and can be sad but feeling emotion is to live.
Have you been for that walk yet? I know how hard it is to restart doing something again when you have stopped. Set yourself a goal, put on comfortable shoes, open the door and off you go. Perhaps you could give yourself a reason for going – to feed the ducks or find a field to photograph. If it doesn’t meet with expectations the first time then have another go. It does mean taking a deep breath but then you can come back here and share whatever emotion you felt on that walk and it will be read and enjoyed by all your cyber friends.
It is my absolute, positive, total, complete belief that you can ultimately be more content and experience greater joy for going through a terrible experience. Gambling addiction is one hell of an education and one I think everybody would rather not have experienced but to turn it round and make something good come out of it is like spitting in its eye and dancing on its grave.
I have learned so much from reading all the posts that come from people like you who have fought such a battle against such an evil adversary. I admire you. It is because of all of you that I am here writing and proud to be part of this site.
We will learn and grow more together and I know it will get better and better.
Well done
Velvet
Dear Deb
I am glad I popped over today in time to wish you the happiest of birthdays because you sure deserve it.
Congratulations too on your exam results – we all know on here that you are terrific but it is great when you prove it to others on paper too.
You are very special and I am glad that Bill is looking after you. I am so glad that I have been able to see your journey from the start – I knew you could do it and now you know it too.
I hope you are having the most wonderful time
You are one amazing woman and I am so, so proud to have ‘met’ you
V
Dear Adele
I never doubted you would ask a few questions, I would probably have done the same. I know that people who have been in counselling often want to dissemble their thoughts quietly and not physically share them for a time, if ever. I can only ‘suggest’ ways of doing things – I cannot tell you what to do.
One of the biggest lessons I have learned was that CGs have to learn to trust us. The non-CG believes, I think, that everything hinges on whether they can trust a CG in early recovery or not but how does a CG know they can trust a non-CG? Having run rings round a non-CG loved one for so long the CG will have heard the responses, arguments, theories so many times about how we think their addiction affects them, what it does to us and what they should do to find happiness – after all what could be simpler than ‘ just don’t bet?’ You are now aware about so many things that you were not aware about before, you know addiction is not simple and you are therefore forming new thoughts and opinions – you will have changed.
Your husband’s mind will be full of ‘his’ thoughts and ‘his’ hopes. For him to understand that ‘you’ have changed is, in my opinion, one thought too many. Both CG and non-CG have old behaviours and neither knows when a true change takes place.
Your husband has talked about the possibility of his counsellor winging it and he is not sure if she is going to help him or not. Two thoughts – a good counsellor would not reveal a plan of campaign; your husband will be the one to put the work in on his recovery, she can’t do it for him. She can only help him if he genuinely wants to change and this is something that nobody can know at this stage.
Your therapy experience is a different matter. You are seeing the same counsellor and I would have thought this must lead to a conflict of interest. For instance the rehab my CG went was not interested in my thoughts or experience – they were there for him and I would/could have clouded/screwed the issues.
You are terrifically aware and I suspect, from what you have said your counsellor is not as clued up as you. I hope she will be pouring over CG books and discussing gambling addiction with other counsellors at this very moment. She will have a lot of other experience to draw from and if she puts it together with the new concept of gambling addition she, hopefully, will be more rounded.
She has asked you questions and I hope you will give them some thought. What seems an irrelevant question often opens a door of thought as yet unexplored. Your husband possibly has not said what questions she asked him and more importantly how he dissembled his replies.
If the counsellor is acting as a go-between then in my opinion, she might help with your marriage but addiction is something else completely.
Gamanon members are generally not allowed into GA meetings unless they are specified as being mixed for a reason, such as a pinning. The reasoning behind the separation is so that there is a freedom to tell the truth, probably for the first time, with those who really understand what they are saying and without fear of retribution from those who have been affected by their addition. I know I would not have been able to sit with my CG when he first went to GA or when he went into rehab without putting in the most almighty oar that would have pushed him overboard. CGs understand CGs. Non-CGs understand non-CGs. We talk differently, we want different things, and we believe different things. It is my belief CGs and non-CGs need to find their recovery separately.
I see us walking on different roads but parallel, sometimes close, sometimes miles apart. I see us walking towards the same goal but achieving it in different ways. I believe that, eventually, because we have walked on different paths, with different pot-holes, different cross-roads, different views, we finish with a different story to tell. At the end, if all goes well, journeys can be shared, the new concepts learned along the way can be explored and relationships can go on, or not, with a greater understanding.
I am going to stop there because I have a strong feeling that I am going to get a strong reply. There are tons of topics in your post and I want to know that I am going in the right direction even if it means my ears being blistered. I so wish we could sit and talk, there is so much to say.
Well done on putting your reflections down so succinctly. I didn’t skip to the bottom but I haven’t addressed a tenth of what you have said. You are doing terrifically.
V
Dear Madge
It didn’t happen ‘because’ you trusted – it happened because your husband has an addiction that he neither wanted nor asked for any more than you. Yes we trust because until something happens to break trust that is what we do when we love someone.
Don’t let his addiction spoil your happy memories; don’t let it take away that which was possibly true. He smiled because he wanted to feel and be ‘normal’, not everything is a deceit.
I am sorry that I broke into a time when you were trying to be happy and reminded you of that which you wish to forget. There will come a time when you can forget and be the person you want to be without effort, if it wasn’t so I wouldn’t be here. It is my belief we can bury the problem but at some time, if we want to be forever free, we have to face it. You were still looking at this forum for you to be able to see my posts which says you are still looking for ‘your’ answer and you are not burying the problem. Keep talking, keep learning, the more knowledge you acquire the more ready you will be to make ‘your’ informed decision, the one that you will ultimately be happy with.
To be able to live in the moment is a gift that is even more precious for having lived through a bad experience. You already know the things you want to appreciate and you can make them happen. Spend time watching those leaves fall; make a point of enjoying your children, don’t let them be a grind. Nothing is too late.
Dear BB
I know you are in the thoughts of others, as well as me and I do hope we hear from you again.
If you are having any problems adapting to the new site please either contact the helpline or read the topic at the top of this page entitled ‘groups’. The site is better and the groups are great but it is hard I know when you have got used to the old way sometimes to change.
Just reply in the ‘comment’ box below and click save. We miss you.
Velvet