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Hi Butterfly
I am glad that you heard from Twilight. She is an amazing person and speaks for all children of active compulsive gamblers including those as yet unborn.

You can return to Gamanon even if you feel you are not working the steps – many F&F take years to work them and for a CG it is a life-time, there should be no judgement among the members. I struggled for months with ‘Willingness’. I could not see that my behaviour needed any tweaking and I resented the implication but nonetheless my Gamanon welcomed me. Recovery is hard.

The addiction to gamble is irrational and it does get worse, unless it is treated.

Monique and Twilight have given you so much support and I am very aware that you have a wealth of knowledge from Gamanon already. You did mention that your husband has taken to his car this time as a result of an argument and I would like to focus on that as it is common for those who love CGs to find themselves in the middle of an argument without knowing how they got there.

It isn’t recognised professionally but the following method of coping has often been used successfully by many F&F.

Imagine your husband’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although it never sleeps. The addiction likes an argument as it gives it an excuse to gamble and someone to blame. Your husband is controlled by that addiction but you are not. When you threaten that addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument. It is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not. Once it is between you, you will only hear the addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning.

My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t lie to me but lived honestly he would be happy; his mind however, distorted by addiction, was telling him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure. Lost in addiction he fought me because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction breeds a sense of failure; it has no love for the addict or those who love them. However much your husband convinces you that he is in control – he is not.
You can surrender to God but you cannot make your CG do so. It is important, I think, to accept you cannot save him and to know that his addiction will drag you all the way down if you allow it to do so. The control of your husband’s life lies in his hands only so live in the middle of your life and not on the periphery his.

I can hear and read the strength of Twilight’s post, the strength that has at last come, as an adult with children of her own, from resisting her father’s addiction. When she talks of the well-being of a child of a compulsive gambler she is speaking with experience. She has written a book ‘Please Girl’ by Jeannie Kraft which certainly made me think.

Nobody can or should tell you what to do; you have to make your own decisions. This forum is here to support you as you make your informed decision.

I think, as women, many of do understand your desire for a child but on this site and with so many different experiences and situations behind us, we are more aware than most of the danger the addiction to gamble poses when it is in your life. It consumes the unwitting mind and makes fools of us all.

I am writing to you in the certain knowledge that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result. Your husband has to tackle his addiction if he wants that freedom, it is not easy but it can and is done daily, by thousands. He already struggles with responsibility of his own life and he isn’t coping well with the responsibility of his marriage. He will definitely struggle with responsibility of bringing another life into the world.

Twilight is right – embrace the time while your husband shares his car with his addiction – use it to rebuild your strength, confidence and self-esteem which will have been dented by your experience. Learn to love yourself again – because you matter and you are not invisible. Your husband cannot see you because he is blinkered by a powerful addiction, not because you are not there. You can’t be invisible, too many of us now know you are there and we recognise you.

Velvet

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Dear Adele
What you have described, in my opinion, is the soul-searching that many F&F go through before they find their own recovery. There are areas though, where I think it is important to be mindful of how much guilt you should apportion to yourself for the situations in which you find yourself.
You have described enough painful experiences for you to feel as you do but at no time did you describe the person that you really are. You have been on this forum a short time and in that time your impact has been felt – you have made a difference to others and I know from experience that you will never know how many have taken comfort from you words because many read but never write. A lazy, ne’er-do-well could not achieve what you have done. Well done.

You haven’t lost yours skills, you have mislaid them. Maybe you won’t front another landscape project as you did before but the knowledge you gained from doing it will be immeasurable. I have changed my landscape too but I have never been as imaginative as to use hand-picked rocks from the river bed and I can’t string lights, although I do want them down my garden – how I wish you lived near me to give advice.

Recovery is like your landscaping. The lights were the final piece that lit up the whole project and your neighbours, I am positive, were no longer thinking you were nuts. You had the ability to plan and see it through – that ability is dormant, not dead. I think your line ‘all the while I was trying to take care of my dad and both my in-laws’ tells me all I need to know about your ability to care and organise.

I can’t see anything ridiculous in what you have described – I see a life. Your husband supported you in your endeavours, which I cannot see as crazy and the weekends on the air mattress sound like a couple sharing a life. Why would he point out the ridiculousness of your actions when they were never ridiculous? I am married to a DIY freak but I did not escape to an addiction. You are not responsible for your husband’s addiction.

You have definitely not lost your skill in being interesting but you have certainly lost your confidence in your ability to be so, but you are right – online gaming does not give a flip about you. When you start giving a flip about you then those around you will sit up and take notice.

You could have escaped to a casino but you didn’t and therein lies the difference and the reason why your recoveries should be separate. It is a sad fact that CGs have to accept they will always be CGs – there is no cure. It is a fact, in my opinion, that Adele does not have to accept that she is unsociable, uninteresting, not creative and unable to dance and enjoy golf.

I cannot tell you what to do but I would like to ask you to do something before we meet again and that is to take one of the thing that you used to do and do it, or something similar. I was totally into 10-pin bowling years ago but following my recovery I have taken up table-tennis. I took a deep breath to walk into the hall the first time but now, after a short time, I walk in and 20 people will shout ‘hi ……….’. I don’t need to be massively interesting – I just have to have a bat and join in. The friendships follow. When you have done it you will have something to talk about to your husband who struggles with communication. Whatever it is you do, it will give you something to talk about, it will blow the cobwebs away, physically enliven you and most importantly give you a confidence and self-esteem.

I am not allowed to set homework and I don’t want you to feel pressured – I am only making suggestions because I know you can change your life – you are one amazing, unique person. I know it – now you need to know it.

V

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Dear P

Why are you not going to post here anymore?

Please allow all those who care about you to understand why you are going. You have been doing so well and it has been a pleasure to read your progress. What has happened?

Velvet

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Hi Butterfly
Welcome to Gambling Therapy. I am glad you have found us.

Unfortunately I have come across your post just as I was closing down for the night and I would be doing you a disservice if I write to you when I am too tired.

I wanted to tell you that you have come to the right place and that you have been heard.

Your experience with Gamanon has given you a lot of understanding which is reflected in your words and I hope we can now give you the support you need.

I look forward to getting to know you better and will write again tomorrow.

Velvet

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Hi Adele

We will meet soon I have no doubt.

V

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Hi James
When you don’t know what to do, I believe, it is best to stand still and do nothing until you know.

You have learned things about your wife’s addiction that she is unable to tell you. Perhaps you could go to http://www.gamblersanonymous20questions.org and print off the questions. Tick the ones that you think she should say yes to and leave it for her to see.

Many CGs are not aware that their addiction is recognisable and that they are not alone. In my opinion it is good that an active CG learns that their loved one is seeking help. CGs do not tend to understand that those around them need protection and support from the addiction that they own.

I understand only too well that an active addiction can feel like it has destroyed love. It is good that you can feel safe enough to voice your concerns here that you are not sure if you love your wife anymore because there is never any judgement on this site and nobody would ever tell you to leave her.

Active CGs do not make good friends – they want enablement and not willing to share or give.

Keep posting, keep reading, perhaps you could contact our helpline or join our F&F groups.

It is fairly common for CGs to find GA tough and to say that they do not have the same problem as the other members. I would imagine their problems brought home to her that they were also her problems but at that time she was not willing to hear.

Anything that helps you overcome your anxiety must be good. You need a clear head to make your decisions and to support your wife.

Whatever you do there will be no judgement her but I hope you will stick around a little longer so that you decisions will be informed.

Velvet

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Hi B
I was coming to look for you today if you haven’t clocked in, si I was glad to see your post.

What a difference can be made in a short time when each day is taken one at a time and different management skills are tried.

I think we would be strange creatures if this addiction did not make us feel red-hot anger.

When you are not an angry-type person I think it is hard to recognise it amongst the mess of emotions that come with living with the addiction to gamble.

There are many light bulb moments I think in our recovery and I believe that each one teaches us more about life generally than we had appreciated before. You now know you felt anger and you can recognise why others feel it – that to me is the education we can take to change us and therefore gain something good from something bad.

I am so pleased you were guided to this site – so many have gained from your presence on its pages – not least me.

You sound like a butterfly that has broken loose from its chrysalis and is ready to fly.

It would be good sometime to see you in a group and share a glass of cyber wine with you and hear your progress. Cyber wine is of course absolutely safe with pregnancy.

I wish all 4 of you all the joy in the world

V

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I missed you Adele – maybe tomorrow.

V

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Hi Cat
I am so pleased that I popped over and read you have reached (and better still passed) your one year anniversary.

Your monthly thread ODAAT is fantastic to watch scrolling up – you are inspiring others and I can think of no better way to avenge yourself for all the pain your addiction gave you.

Just like Laura I feel fuzzy inside when I see any post in ‘My Journal’ that says the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result. I use the words all the time in F&F because I ‘know’ it to be true.

The sky outside is grey but my spirits are light – well done

Velvet

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Hi P

You are not walking alone P and everybody who walks with you will be crying ‘yipeeeee’.

Keep walking forward every day – you will never be alone and your dream ‘will’ come true.

Velvet

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Hey San

What a great post to read on a Monday morning and it all came down to your positivity that you were not going to let the addiction to gamble ruin your weekend.

I am glad your son is excited about seeing you – he could have wanted to hide. A flying visit sounds just the ticket – that in itself is a boundary.

I am pleased to read that you are so aware that the beast will still be in the corner of the room – it doesn’t sleep for Christmas or any other family occasion that should be joyous. I think when we are complacent it can leap out and bite us especially when there are others present who are affected by it too. I think it is a time when it is important to accept the only person you can change and control is ‘you’.

Today is what matters and today you are smiling and that is wonderful.

I hope that tomorrow is a wonderful day for you – you deserve a truly happy birthday. I will not expect to see you in the group but I will be thinking about you.

V

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Hi Missmac

I understand your anger, sadness and disappointment and I suspect that your partner is feeling all of those things as well.

No it is not your fault your partner gambles but in his disappointment with himself he ‘may’ seek to blame everybody but himself but of course this is ‘old behaviour’ and therefore not acceptable. I am hoping that with his GA commitment he will hear that his behaviour is unacceptable and use this slip to make him stronger.

You say you can’t leave because you love him. I would never suggest you leave or stay, all decision are yours but I think it is important to recognise that threatening, unless you fully intend to carry out your threat, can feed a gambling addiction because it is the master of threats.

I don’t know if you have attended Gamanon or sought any support for yourself in the past but knowledge of the addiction will give you power over it.

I think from this, your first post, that you have probably let your partner know that his behaviour is not ok. I cannot tell you what to do but if it was me I would turn him round smartly and tell him to get to his GA as quickly as possible because it is not just the loss of money that matters, it is his behaviour that is not acceptable to you.

Unfortunately I have found your post when it is late in the UK but I will write again tomorrow.

Please keep posting – you are on our radar now and we do care. I would not be writing this to you now if I did not know that this addiction can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result.

Well done writing your first post

Velvet

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Dear Ell
“Carried away by our worries, we’re unable to live fully and happily in the present. Deep down we believe we can’t really be happy yet – that we still have a few more boxes to check off before we can really enjoy life”.

You have indeed been a fine teacher and you have taught your husband so much – but how do you let go and enjoy ‘your’ recovery. You have gained so much knowledge of the addiction to gamble and with this has come greater understanding; with greater understanding will come recovery. These are steps to your recovery Ell – they are not the end product.

You have been the most patient member, you have listened to everything that has been said to you and then you have taken than knowledge and you have given it to your husband in a way that he could understand. I think you have given him so much of yourself that you are feeling a little empty. The time has come for you to give yourself the care and attention that you deserve

We talk about CG ‘recovery, but a CG does not recover – they will always be CGs. They have to confront their addiction every day and control it for the rest of their lives. It is your husband’s acceptance of his addiction and his determination never to return to the dark abyss where gambling took him, that can give ‘you’ the ability to let go and live in the present. I know that he doesn’t ‘need’ you to make his gamble-free life possible but I am sure that because you are there it is easier. That is his life though. Your recovery is different and I think that when a couple go on together, having had this addiction in their lives, the one who loves the CG will take longer to ‘recover’ but unlike the CG they can do so.

It is no secret Ell that my CG is my son and as such the physical expression of sexual love plays no part in our relationship. I have taken longer, therefore, to reply to you because of this.

Sensuality between a couple can all too easily be snuffed out by daily routine. You have taken time out before from your busy life and re-found your feelings for each other. Have a meal together where you look into each other’s eyes as opposed to working and chatting side by side, dance together and lose yourselves in music. Learn to trust your own emotions.

Sensual exchanges charged with the history of the addiction to gamble are more difficult and here I know I am without knowledge. What I do know is that joy doesn’t simply happen to us Ell. We have to choose joy and keep choosing it every day.

I cannot give you a time or a date when I could have said ‘today I have recovered’, but I am truly recovered. In my opinion, the first year following any unhappy disturbance in our lives is the most difficult. There were days and nights when I cried even though recovery had started. If I gave in to memory I would cry again but I choose joy and I choose it every day.

Put all guilt behind you, there is nothing to feel guilty about. You know you love your husband and you know he loves you. You have a wonderful opportunity soon to reaffirm your love for each other when you reach you second anniversary.

Dear Ell, I am not sure I am doing your concerns justice but I feel I must send this post because I said I would write to you this weekend and the weekend is drawing to a close.

The next page of your story is, as yet, unwritten, it is a blank page and each moment will be completely new. I cannot tell you what to do but I will keep walking with you as you turn your page. Your husband is enjoying his freedom and he trusts you which is great – now you have to learn to trust yourself.

Please talk to me soon

V

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Jamesille – toivottavasti se auttaa.

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Untuk James – saya harap ini membantu.

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