[velvet]

Hi KB
Well done with the way you handled you husbands’ belief that you were punishing him.
Cash is enabling if it is used for a gamble but your husband has to eat. It is a very fine line between knowing what to allow him and what not to allow him. We did deal with enablement in our Friends and Family Topic Forum which unfortunately did not travel well from our old site and has (hopefully temporarily) lost its brilliant posts – it is as bit like a reference library with no books at the moment. There is a lot of effort being done to bring those old posts back but sadly I can’t direct you to the Enablement Topic with all its replies. Maybe you could look at the topic on enablement and perhaps focus on what your answers would be. It makes it easier for me to see where you are struggling.

When your husband questions your trust, I think, it would be in order to ask him if he believes that he can trust himself because a CG accepting he has an addiction knows he/she cannot trust themselves and therefore cannot expect others to trust them. It is the desire of the non-CG to trust that has causes them so much heartache – it better not to trust and so not to feel let down again.

Have you told your husband that you are seeking support?

In our Resources there is the link for http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/ga/content/20-questions. I think it is good to print them off, tick the ones you would answer ‘yes’ to and leave them for your husband to see. I suggest leaving them for him to see rather than handing them over and saying ‘read this’ as the addiction would be more than ready to wage an argument with you over it. Just as you did not know that there would be people who understood the experience you have lived through, many CGs are unaware that their addiction is recognised and understood by others.

I am not of the opinion that a CG father knows deep down that his wife and mother of his children is vital to the protection of his family. Only in a true recovery is the CG able to begin to feel such empathy. The addiction to gamble will take you down with it if it can regardless of anything. In recovery the guilt over the lack of all consideration for anybody else in the past can be overwhelming and that is another reason why the CG needs to get the right support.

Does your husband acknowledge he has an addiction that requires support? Would he consider coming on this site and joining the CG groups and/or forum, would he approach our helpline? Our CGs on this site are trying to control their addiction or they are controlling their addiction – what comes over strongly is the positive care they have for each other and the desire for everybody to succeed. I have seen so many change their lives and the joy is felt throughout the site when it happens – even by those still struggling.

I am afraid that a CG will accept living in an angry home and will not be ready to give peace when allowed only the money that can be afforded to throw away on a gamble. The addiction to gamble has nothing to do with money and this is one of the hardest things for the non-CG to take on board. It is the ‘gamble’ that matters and as long as the gamble is being indulged the addiction will gain ground. The non-CG gives a meaning to money that a CG lacks. To a CG money is no more than a tool – a means to an end and because of the nature of the addiction the end will always be failure.

I have brought up my thread ‘The F&F Cycle’ which I hope will help you realise the pattern that evolves for the CG and for us.

Keep talking, keep sharing, you are doing great. You are already better equipped to cope and there is so much more that will help you.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi KB
I’m glad Harry has written to you, it is always good to get the reaction of someone who remembers being an active CG and who, although he will always be a CG, is now in control of his addiction.

My reply to you is going to be in the same vein as Harry’s but I will write it anyway as it helps, I think, that the more people who say the same thing, in different ways, the better. I believe you cannot talk to the addiction but you can talk to your husband. I hope the following explanation makes sense but if it doesn’t just come back to me.

The addiction takes over the mind of someone who loves a CG and it is so easy just to think solely of the gambling and how it affects you and what you think it is doing to your loved one – you forget to talk about anything else. This is double edged sword – the first edge being that the addiction isn’t going to allow your husband to understand your words anyway but the sharpest edge is that it will not help you in the slightest. It will bring you nothing but grief because you know you are going to hear lies and feel anger and disappointment – it is heart-breaking.

You cannot make your husband stop gambling but you can stand shoulder to shoulder with him against his addiction. You can do this by looking after you first and foremost. Every day have periods of time where you fill your life with things that please you and where addiction has no room in your mind. This might seem a pretty pathetic way to deal with something so awful but it works. It works because your husband does not deliberately hurt you and if/when he is ready to face his addiction, if you have cared for yourself then you will not be part of the wreckage he has to deal with. Ultimately this is the greatest thing you can do for your husband and it really is the best thing you can do for you.

Bashing your head against a brick wall, which is what it feels like, trying to deal with this addiction, will always hurt ‘you’. ‘You’ are important and if trying to makes sense of the senseless doesn’t work it is time to try something new.

It takes time and I know only too well it isn’t easy but the most important change in my life was finding myself again and learning to like myself – in doing so I also found a person strong enough to cope with an addiction and its multiple horrible effects on me. I was a pathetic blob and turning me around was hard for me and for those who were supporting me but it was the best thing I have ever done.

Your husband’s addiction has seen red which is why you are still seeing his anger. You have stood up to his addiction and it doesn’t like it. Make your husband a dinner that he likes but most importantly one ‘you’ like; go and see a friend that ‘you’ like and chat to your husband later about what you discussed with your friend (not gambling); change furniture around because ‘you’ like it in a different way: have a massage; a new hairstyle – whatever you do make sure it is for ‘you’. Get communication open without letting that addiction speak. His addiction believes you will crumble, it will be confused that you are not crying, shouting, pleading, threatening, asking him to understand and all the other things we have all done.

Do you have a Gamanon group near you? It is wonderful to talk in real time and share physical contact with those who understand you.

I will write again soon but I wanted to deal with the post you have written.

Keep posting.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi KB
I think you have made a brilliant start on handling this unwelcome responsibility in your life by starting your thread and making such mature decisions on your finances.
It is your husband’s addiction that is making him angry – it will seek to blame anyone but your husband. To take responsibility for his poor behaviour, he will have to face his demons and he will put that off as long as he can – that is the nature of the beast. As the person who loves him and is closest to him, you will be the target for his addiction to blame.

A coping mechanism that has worked for many to communicate with an active CG without losing their cool is to imagine his addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although forever watchful. This method is not recognised professionally but I often pass it on as many F&F have said it worked for them and that includes me.

It is important for your state of mind to remember that your husband is controlled by that addiction but you are not. When you threaten his addiction, it comes between you and from then on it can take control because it is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not. Once it is between you, you will only hear his addiction speak. Your husband will hear a distortion of your words as though they have passed through water making him unable to comprehend their meaning. It is an addiction that breathes lies and deceit and it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralise you.

My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that I loved him and that he was capable of good things, his addiction distorted his mind into hearing that I was lying to him – how could I be telling the truth when his addiction had convinced him he was unlovable, worthless and a failure. However much your husband convinces you that he is in control – he is not. You are hurting his addiction, not his ego but until he determines to change his life around, his addiction will not allow him to give credit to your actions.

I am aware that self-esteem and confidence can be totally knocked out of you when this addiction enters your life. I am sure you have asked yourself; ‘how come you could have married him, loving him so much and you didn’t know?’ It is so important to understand how devious this addiction is and to know, without a shadow of doubt that you are in no way to blame and nothing you could have done would have made any difference.

I would not be writing on here if I did not know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result. I unwittingly enabled my CG for 23 years and then spent 2 years in a miasma of confusion and doubt. My CG now lives in control of his addiction and it is that positive message that I would seek to get over to your husband.

Your husband did not ask for, or want, his addiction anymore than you want it in your life. He would have indulged in what he considered a harmless, fun thing to do when he placed his first bet – he was not to know that addiction was waiting for him.

You are doing great with the finances. It’s common for CGs to feel less of a person when their loved one tries to support as you are doing. Perhaps you could Google information on pre-paid credit / debit cards. I don’t know if you can get the following link where you are but if not I would imagine there are similar cards in the US.
http://www.moneysupermarket.com/prepaid-cards/?source=GOO-007D26D8&p=0&mckv=sLeU1qXGi_pcrid_23488468627_mtype_e_kword_prepaid%20debit%20cards_2764ri918980&uuid=f463e468-0bd3-44eb-98a5-e41b0264a42a&Device=c&gclid=COOLnvut_boCFUrJtAod9VwAiw

There is so much more to say but I will leave it there for now. Ask anything you want to ask, feel free to vent your feelings, there is no judgement on this site, only understanding.

Please look at the times of F&F groups – we communicate in real time and nothing said in the group appears on the forum. I would be pleased to ‘see’ you.

You have really well stretching out your hand for support. I will walk with you for as long as you want me to.

Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Madge
I have read your post to Shelly and I am glad you are getting support from reading other threads; the similarities are always surprising because we all thought we were the only person to have experienced such tragedy in our lives. I remember sitting in wonderment for weeks in Gamanon, unable to take in what I was hearing – they knew without me telling them and what a difference it made that I was not the only one.

It is hard to stand your ground, so many times it seems impossible but you have made a brave stand against your husband’s addiction. Whatever happens there will be no judgement here. The expression I like and one I know I can live with is ‘I will not live with the addiction to gamble in and controlling ‘my’ life’.

All our stories are complicated but it becomes possible to read between the lines of others after a while. You have read in Shelly’s thread things that have struck a chord but there will be many things that neither she, nor you, commits to writing because it becomes unnecessary due to an unwritten understanding that builds in time.

What is your husband doing now that leads you to believe he is trying to change and gain your trust? I appreciate he has been through a lot of therapists and different psychiatrists but has he been to one that deals with just one of his specific addictions, such as a dedicated gambling therapist. I am not able to comment on your husband’s other addictions other than his gambling because it falls out of my area of expertise but I do believe that the addiction to gamble is often at the root of many other problems and maybe it would be better if he dealt with just that one addiction to the point of saturation.

You raise an interesting hypothetical question at the end of your recent post and I am interested that the reason you give to stay is that nothing is guaranteed if you left. I fully understand what you mean and it does make sense but it is an answer that a CG depends on because a CG gambles on the fears of the loved one even if it is not deliberate. In making your stand you must really know what you want because you are not a gambler but in this forum, whatever happens Madge, you will be understood.

Nobody can ever say when a true recover begins, neither CG nor loved one but it is a fact that true recoveries do happen. Keep your strength up, you are doing well – your posts to others are positive and supportive and worth re-reading at times of doubt.

V

[velvet]

sorry Shelly I was writing a post to Madge and put it on your thread by mistake. I can’t seem to get rid of my footprint though.

V

[velvet]

Hi Adele
I am not surprised you cried on your way home from the airport – it was probably a release of different emotions and needed a good cry.

Your husband has gone away with tools he didn’t possess before, enough money to feed him and a back up to make sure he doesn’t starve for a few days. I am really pleased that ‘he’ bought the notebook – it is his personal journal and he made the effort to kick-start that journal by making the purchase. As you know so clearly now, I cannot tell you what to do but if it was me I would be careful not to nag too much about whether or not he has been writing his thoughts and actions for each day. It is time for him to grow up and do this for himself. I think that gentle interest is ok occasionally but I hope he realises that this journal is for him and his mind – it is not to set his worried wife’s mind at rest. The addiction to gamble is totally selfish and the early control of the addiction has to be completely selfish too. You do not need Dumbledore’s Pensieve to read his memory – you will get your answers in his behaviour because a person who puts this particular burden down is a lot lighter and it is visible.

However as you so rightly say ‘now’ is the time to work on you. I am hoping that in the short time you have not been visible on the site you have been doing things for yourself and enjoying the freedom of not having the addiction in your face. The time that your husband will be away on this trip will be a drop in the ocean compared to the time you will have gamble-free in the future so use it wisely.

I want to hear action on the home-front Adele – lovely gentle enjoyable action, nothing pressurised. This is ‘your’ time.

I know we will speak soon but in the meantime – my thoughts are with you

V

[velvet]

Hi SJ
It has been ages since I talked to you. I just wanted you to know that I was thinking about you and willing you on.
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Shelly
You are right to think the words don’t sit well. On one hand your husband is saying that provided you enable him he will tell you when he is indulging his addiction while on the other hand he is saying that if you will not enable him, he will still indulge his addiction but in secret – either way you do not have the marriage that you want and that is his manipulative addiction talking to you.

Enablement is difficult to understand. Giving money to a CG is enablement, as is paying gambling debts for the CG. Turning a blind eye and giving an active addiction freedom to grow in your life is also enablement and that is what he wants you to do.

How old are your children? Are they aware that their father has a problem? Children are often more aware that a parent is struggling with the addiction to gamble than is perceived by the non-CG parent. Your brother is possibly aware that you are not as happy as you should be without knowing the reason why or maybe he does know but is waiting for you to talk. I cannot tell you what to do but I do believe that sharing can be very beneficial although there are provisos such as I mentioned in my previous post. The title of your thread does suggest you could do with a physical shoulder to lean on.

Many F&F think that they have kept the secret of their loved one’s addiction because they have not shared it, in the false belief that it is something to be ashamed about. Siblings, children, parents are often only too aware that there are things that are wrong. Your husband did not ask for or want his addiction any more than you did. He would have placed a ‘harmless’ bet for a bit of fun at one time, like countless others, he was not to know that addiction would waiting for him. There is no shame; he needs support just as you do.

Your husband might be abstaining for a while hoping you ‘forget’; he might be paying you lip-service because the addiction to gamble is the most devious of addictions. I have yet to meet a CG who can control their addiction for any length of time without support.

I am glad you have control of the bank account so that you can safe-guard yourself financially.

You will get stronger, it does take time. Your recovery is important, your self-esteem and confidence will have been battered over the years. Keep venting your feelings, you are creating a journal of ‘you’ that you can look back on and that is incredibly therapeutic.

Keep posting – you are doing great

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Shelly
Probably most CGs would say that they don’t want to stop gambling but I think they would all agree they don’t like being addicted to it which makes them unable to walk away until they have lost everything which often includes their homes, marriages, families and self-esteem. They would like (and most would believe) that they can gamble responsibly. It is only when reality truly hits them that they are not free and that they are being controlled by an addiction that many realise they need to change if they want to live a decent life. CGs have little incentive to face their addiction as long as they have enablement and they are the masters of manipulation when it comes to getting that enablement

The addiction to gamble divides families as it feeds on lies and secrecy. Unfortunately unless people have lived with the addiction to gamble, their opinions can be very narrow and not supportive so personally I think it is best to tell others as a statement rather than asking for opinions. You can gather information here so that you can make your own informed decisions with that knowledge especially as your husband is endangering ‘your’ future and other who love you will probably only be able to see that far. Do you have family and/or friends to support you? It is better to share if you can,

I really, really understand that advising you to look after yourself first seems so lacking in positive help but I have read countless posts from people who had found this message less than they had hoped at the beginning but who grabbed it and applied it to their lives. In changing themselves and refusing the addiction control of their lives they went on to a freedom and happiness that they had given up on. I would never suggest that any member leaves, or stays with their CG loved one – all decisions are yours and all decision are understood and never judged.

I can hear you love your husband but I want you to learn to love you as least as much because you do matter, you are special and you don’t deserve to be controlled by the addiction of another.

You said ‘it doesn’t matter that you don’t want him to go’ – dear Shelly it does matter. Do something for yourself today, refuse your husband’s addiction to spoil your thinking and happiness for an hour or two. Each and every day give ‘you’ more time and allow yourself to regain the confidence and self-esteem that your husband’s addiction will have damaged.

I do know the addiction to gamble can be controlled and I am aware how difficult it is. You do not have that addiction – you can change.

In the final 5 minutes of a Tuesday group I say the Serenity Prayer for all members – there is a version that I particularly like and it is this.

God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the thing that I can
And Wisdom to know it is me.

Keep posting and when your husband goes away on his trip make sure you have plans for you to enjoy ‘your’ life – I would love to hear them.

Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Shelly
If your husband was an alcoholic you wouldn’t give him a drink – it is the same with money and a gambling addiction. When you say ‘we’ decide how much money he is going to take gambling you are enabling his addiction – I am not judging, I made too many mistakes myself. Forget feeling guilty when he needs more money – he needs it to satisfy something that is destroying his mind and for that there should be no guilt on your part when you refuse.

You do not own the addiction Shelly and therefore you are stronger than your husband who is controlled by it.

Any company worth its salt would never send a compulsive gambler to Las Vegas. If your husband wants to begin to change his life then perhaps he should tell his company that he has an addiction and cannot go.

I am not surprised you are not looking forward to this trip but I am sure your husband will be in a heightened state of excitement at the thought of going. Your husband is drastically changing reality to fit his personal perception and he needs the support of those who understand him Shelly – this addiction is destructive, it is sustained by lies and deception.

Keep Posting Shelly

Velvet

[velvet]

HiShelly
It’s good to hear from you again but sad to see that your husband still seems hell bent on feeding his addiction.
Does he have to go to Las Vegas or did he volunteer? A CG in control of his/her addiction would not risk themselves in the gambling city of the world.

In reality I think it is best to doubt and not trust when there are so many on-going broken promises but the nightmare can end and that choice lies with your husband.

I appreciate you love your husband but that does not mean you have to love his addiction and you can say ‘no’ to it. Saying ‘no’ is difficult but when put yourself first it is not impossible. You cannot make your husband stop gambling but when you put yourself first and learn to love yourself you become a more formidable enemy to his addiction.

You asked your husband if he thought he was a CG and he said ‘yes and then you asked if he wanted to change and he said ‘yes and this was probably completely true. When you asked him if he meant it forever, he gave you an honest answer when he said ‘no’. Forever is – well it is for ever and CGs struggle with the enormity of it. I did too when I realised my CG had to give up his way of life forever.

Your husband is not really accepting he has an addiction –if he did he would not test it with scratch cards. You said he had approached a helpline but hadn’t got the support he needed and I did say that if it was this site that had failed him we would want to know. If you ask the question again ‘do you want to change?’ and he says ‘yes’ then let it be known that it is only one day at a time and nobody will ask him for anything more. We all need hope – controlling this addiction takes an enormous amount of courage and determination. The support is there for him and you will support him the best by looking after you first and foremost because he needs to see that you are strong.

Being here and listening is the easy bit. Looking after yourself with an addiction in your life is hard but you can do it and we will walk with you every step of the way while you try.

Pop into a live group sometime and chat in real time. At the moment we have 3 Friends and Family Only groups and the times can be found when you click on ‘Support Groups’ at the top of this page. It would be good to meet you.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi San
I am so pleased it all went well and that you have met the flatmates and that the reality was as your son had said.

I think it is a shame when any family members is excluded deliberately from family occasions but it is important to realise, as I am sure you do, that family occasions can be fraught with sibling rivalry in the best regulated families. It is the addiction to gamble that is unwelcome and I’m afraid it can slip through when, Complacency, the underestimated guest leaves the door ajar. I think we will probably talk about this nearer to Christmas but following your excellent trip and with your daughter hugging her brother I think you have good reason to hope for a happy time.

Shoes, gloves and food were good things to give – I am glad you were in the pound shop and not Harrods.

Without judging and with the usual proviso that I cannot tell you what to do – if it was me I wouldn’t go into a gaming shop with a CG. What did happen in the shop was find fine and I agree it is easy to jump to the wrong conclusions but I think it is good to say ‘I cannot stop you going in to such a place but I chose not to go with you’. It could certainly be argued that it was better that you were with him and therefore able to see that what he was doing but gaming shops are not good for CGs.

The pathological gambler, while not technically gambling, (not using money) has a number of ways of ‘staying in action’. Pathological gamblers must continue to use money and while they stop gambling with it, uncertainly and risk continue to be part of their lives. Many games can keep the mind distorting addiction alive. If you feel the game could encourage ‘mind bets’ then maybe you could encourage him in other pursuits and hobbies

I admit I do want to hear that your son is seeking support as there is a minefield of danger around of which he will probably be unaware. We often get CGs in ‘My Journal’ who are hoping that their gaming is going to be passed as acceptable and it is always better when another CG tells them, it is not.

However I don’t mean to put a dampener on your smashing trip. Your son has progressed and is recognising his problem, he has friends who are not CG who are trying to help him and he has seen his mum, who has cuddled him.

I know we will talk again soon but in the meantime if you want to come back on anything I say, you know where I am.

V

[velvet]

Dear Ell
You are a lovely turtle and you will get there in the end – you are further along that path than you realise already.
Even reading between your lines I can see purpose and strength.
Q How do I know that this particular little turtle will get there?
A I look at how far you have come and how you have grown.
Thinking about you
V

[velvet]

Hi B
It is so important once communication has been opened that the door is not closed.

The usual disclaimer: I cannot tell you what to do BUT if I were you I would not compare his reading of books to his gambling addiction. He has controlled his gambling and that will have taken a supreme effort as you know. Implying he has transferred his addiction could possibly trigger an unwelcome reaction. As someone who buries herself in a book, shuts the world off and can get irritable at interruptions but is not addicted, I would resent the implication that I am. I would not (and do not) have a problem when it is pointed out that my company is missed elsewhere.

It is difficult I know not to harp back to the gambling addiction and see it reproducing in a different medium but if it is not happening then, in my opinion, it is dangerous to raise the ghost at the feast.

Talk to him B but don’t forget to listen. Do it very soon and don’t let it fester. Remember you can always suggest he talks to others, such as his GA, about what is worrying you – reinforcement from outside the relationship is terrific.

I love the hollow lemon – so much better to make them that to have them thrown at you – not much good in a gin and tonic though!

Good to see you again

V

[Author]

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