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Hi Denise
I am not sure you are reading your main thread. It is always difficult when a member has too many threads because replies get lost.The group times are listed in our support Group section which you can find at the top of the forum page. We also have a forum called The Meeting place where you can tell people you are going to be in the open chat at a certain time – I have just had a look in and there is nobody there so it is a bit of pot luck.
Your main thread is entitled ‘Hi I’m new, desperate and need help’. Please use this thread only, all your posts will be read, all will receive replies. In my last post to you on that thread I tried to allay some of your worries. If there is things I have missed or other questions you want answered post them on your main thread.
You are on our radar Denise and you are cared about. Unfortunately there is not another F&F only group until Tuesday but if you need more immediate support our helpline is open at 9am tomorrow morning (Monday), our open chat group is available all today, although, unmoderated and I will look at your thread later today.
Velvet
Dear Madge
I think maybe a good place to start feeling better is to stop being scared that if your husband changed you would not love him anymore. I wonder if you are feeling that this could work the other way round too if you changed. I was going to paraphrase from the following but feel it is good to read in its entirety.There are two days in every week about which we should not worry: two days which should be kept free from fear and apprehension.
One of these days is yesterday with its mistakes and cares, its faults and blunders, its aches and pains. All the money in the world cannot bring back yesterday. Yesterday has passed forever beyond our control. We cannot undo a single act we performed. We cannot erase a single word we said. Yesterday is gone.
The other day we should not worry about is tomorrow with its possible adversities, its burdens, its large promise or poor performance. Tomorrow is also beyond our immediate control.
Tomorrow’s sun will rise, either in splendour or behind a mask of clouds – but it will rise. Until it does, we have no stake in tomorrow, for it is yet unborn.
This leaves only; one day – TODAY. Any person can fight the battles of just one day. It is only when you and I add the burdens of these two awful eternities – yesterday and tomorrow – that we break down. It is not the experience of today that drives people mad – it is the remorse or bitterness of something which happened yesterday and the dread of what tomorrow may bring. Let us, therefore, LIVE BUT ONE DAY AT A TIME.I have now seen San’s terrific reply in which I can see my old self too so I am going to leave it there and wait for you to write again. When you are down Madge it seems that life throws more and more adversity at you, the ground feels like it has opened up and swallowed you, everything is dark and there is no way out. You are so important Madge, I know it, San knows it, Monique knows it but the knowledge seems to be passing you by. Grasp that truth and look after the important person who is the one person you can change and that is you.
V
Dear Madge
I hear nothing self-centred, jut someone feeling invisible and wanting to be heard.It is late here in the UK and I feel I cannot give your post the considered reply it requires. I will come back to you after a night’s rest.
I hadn’t forgotten you, I haven’t done catch-up for a while and I apologise.
I will certainly hold you in my prayers tonight.
V
Hi James
Giving up pleasures because of living with the addiction to gamble gradually erodes the life of the non-CG. I cannot tell you what to do but with all the safeguards you have put in place and with all the information that Nomore has shared with you, I would feel you have enough knowledge to make an informed decision about what is right for you.Anxiety cripples us and sometimes it blinds us to what is right for us. Only you can know what you really want to do. If you decide to go please ensure you enjoy every minute and leave anxiety behind. Sadly if your wife is going to gamble she will find a way and no amount of anxiety on your part will make an iota of difference – living your life in constant expectation of a disaster is soul-destroying.
I wish you well in whatever decision you make
Velvet
Hi Neecy
The addiction to gamble takes confidence and self-esteem away from the person who loves the CG. Without realising what they are doing F&F gradually give up their hobbies, their social life, interest in their appearance, their diet, everything is sacrificed in the determination to make the CG realise what a wonderful world it is without compulsive gambling. 24 hours a day is given over to the addiction of another which means there is no time to think about self.
The end result is that the F&F personality gets lost and given enough time they can end up pathetic blobs – I know because I was one.
While your partner is in GH he will be working on himself – he will struggle for quite a few weeks and possibly blame you for the fact he is there. If he dedicates himself to the programme he will learn that the responsibility for his behaviour, for his addiction and for his life is down to him – that he is the only person who can change his life. He will be given the tools to make that change, to live in control of his addiction and to take responsibility for himself .
When the leaves GH he will be as a new bud that has yet to blossom – the blossoming will cover his life-time.
Those who wait for the CG can carry on as they always have, believing that all the change is down to the CG, so that when he comes home they are the same – or they can work on themselves, have a make-over, see friends, go to the theatre and in so doing build their self-confidence and self-esteem.
The CG does not deliberately destroy the self-esteem and confidence of the person who loves them most and so for me the way to deal with the time, when the CG is away, is the way tht builds self-esteem. Your partner will need a rock when he comes home and that is someone who is confident that they are important.
I unwittingly lived with and enabled the addiction to gamble for 25 years and it took me to a place I will never go to again. I have ‘chosen’ to learn about the addiction and I have learned to like myself enough to never live with the addiction again. I like me enough to look after myself and that is the person that my CG was surprised to meet when he left GH.
I hope this makes sense.
I would call GH once a week about 10am on a Tuesday when the staff had time to arrive and get settled. I would ask if my CG was ok and they would reply that they had seen him and he was smiling, or he was washing up or something like that. They didn’t volunteer more because his battle with his addiction was his to have alone – it had nothing to do with me. It was enough for me that he was still there. I didn’t speak to him for 6 months.
I can offer you no greater support Denise than to suggest you look after yourself, that you do things each day that give you pleasure, that you talk to others and grow in yourself. You are important even if you don’t realise it. You are too important to waste your time rushing to the side of a man who is in a state because of ‘his’ poor behaviour. The awful depths he plummeted to where as a result of his behaviour, not yours. He is learning to cope with his behaviour and the best thing you can do is appreciate his effort and match it by putting you first.
The first few months that you want back when he first came to Wales will not be the most wonderful months for your partner. His addiction was in control of him then. Imagine how much happier he will be if he turns his life around and takes control of that addiction.
I hope I am making sense. I hope you will come right back at me if there anything you disagree with or you struggle with. I really do understand how hard it is and I am sorry our session ended as it did.
You are so important to what happens when he leave GH. We have different versions of the Serenity prayer on the site. My favourite is:-
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the thing that I can
And Wisdom to know it is me.
Speak soonVelvet
Hi Denise
You can still get back in – until 9pmV
Hi James
My feeling is that you should go and enjoy you time with colleagues because all the worrying you are doing will not make any difference.
Nagging feelings are understandable but not proof and without proof it would be unwise to accuse your wife – if she isn’t gambling then she might feel ‘what’s the point, he doesn’t believe me anyway?’ The addiction doesn’t need much provocation to rear its head.I am trying to read between the lines and uncover what it is that is giving you the unsettled feelings. Has her behaviour changed? Are you finding yourself in the middle of arguments without knowing how you got there? Are you aware that she is telling lies about things that don’t matter?
Are you feeling more anxious because you are going away and this is what is giving you concern? I can’t tell you what to do but if you are away for only 2 days and you have no concrete evidence that you wife is gambling, it seems to me your anxiety has gone into overdrive.
What happened that has caused you to write this post because unless you have more than a gut instinct I cannot see why you cannot go and enjoy your trip which will surely do you good.
Velvet
Hi Neecy
I will certainly be there to welcome you into the F&F group tonight and my CG has been through the Gordon House programme.
Try and keep to just one thread. if you have more than one running then posts will get lost and we want to support you.
Velvet
Hi Neecy
The Christmas post was never written with the intent to make anybody feel bad.
There is a lot of things that I have learned over the years and I learned the hard way. Don’t feel bad. How could you or anybody possibly know what this addiction was capable of doing without knowledge.
I hope you are able to access groups soon.
Velvet
Hi Neecy
How your words resonate – ‘he didn’t do it gently’, ‘it didn’t happen immediately’ and you feel like the bad partner, upset and alone. Your partner is now in a place of safety and support with a chance to turn his life around but you are bewildered by events and need support. That support is here for as long as you need it.Nobody knows when a CG (compulsive gambler) enters a true recovery and that includes the CG so it is common for those entering rehab that they do not do it quietly. It is the scariest thing your partner will ever do and his addiction would have been screaming in his head that ‘it’ could save him and he didn’t need to do anything so drastic.
Compulsive gambling is totally selfish and selfishness is necessary for the CG to control their addiction. The battle your partner will fight in rehab is for ‘his’ life and the time he is away is a drop in the ocean compared to the rest of his life so he needs to take every precious moment and use it for himself. Gordon House will give him the tools to control his addiction for life if he chooses to take them and you looking after you is the most important thing you can do for him.
There is no judgement on this site. I understand why you jumped on the train believing you were supporting your partner when he was in a state but in rehab he will be learning that he has to take responsibility for his own life and not expect you to ‘sort him out. It is important that you are the rock and not the putty. Putty is malleable and the addiction to gamble is the master of manipulation.
If you give all your time to thinking about your partner and his problems then you are not looking after the most important person and that is you.
Don’t turn anywhere else, you are doing fine. Fill your time with things that feel good for you, let your children see that you are strong and coping or they will blame your partner.
My CG went through the Gordon House programme and is living happily in control of his addiction. It isn’t easy learning how to support a CG but I believe it is nothing compared to the battle that a CG has to fight.
You have done well starting your thread. Your partner has done well to go into Gordon House. Keep posting. Knowledge of this addiction will give you power over it.
I hope we get to speak in real time soon.
Velvet
I will reply to you later Neecy. I am sorry you had connection problems.
You are doing well with your posts.
There is another group in the morning – I hope we can connect and communicate in real time – there is lots to say. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum.
It is wonderful to think that your messages are read by so many; some of whom perhaps will never write but who can know from your thread that the impossible dream is possible and it can be their reality.
Your gamble-free days bring me so much joy – thank you.
Hi Madge
I have come to believe that the numbness is a method our minds adopt to help us cope.You say ‘I know he feels bad’ and I feel this is a guilt that you should put on one side. You have felt bad for so long and whatever the reason for your husband’s multiple problems – you were not one of them.
A long time ago I wrote to another member and I said that I believed my CG had become estranged from me to allow me to be free. I didn’t know until then that he had ever read anything I had written but I received a phone call. He told me that he had not left for my sake and that he had not cared about how I felt – he left, he said, because I could no longer enable him, I was broken and had no further use. He believed he could do better without me.
I don’t tell you this in the hope you think your husband cold and indifferent but to stop you wasting your energy worrying about his feelings when it is ‘you’ that requires all your energy to keep you healthy and able to cope. As you know my CG has changed his life and with that change has come an empathy I could never have dreamt existed so what he felt, when his addiction was powerfully in control, is in the past and not relevant in our present. I do believe it is so important for F&F to look after themselves because the CG’s thoughts are solely for themselves and their addiction. I would be more surprised if you were to write that you did welcome a kiss and a hug from someone whose behaviour had hurt you so much.
Your husband’s behaviour does appear to be changing, he does seem to be trying to live a better life and I do so relate to what you have said – even with regard to the dishwasher. However if he is truly changing you will not and cannot a massive explosion of understanding and loving feelings to wipe away all that has happened to you – you are not a robot that just needs re-tuning so that everything becomes brighter.
Your husband is saying the right things and I am glad he is putting you under no pressure. Only time make a difference I’m afraid. Maybe you will find you want his kiss and hug but maybe you will not. It is the biggest gamble a CG makes when they gamble with the feelings of the person who loves them and I cannot tell you what your outcome will be.
All I can do is try and shed some light for you when you walk the dark road because I firmly believe you will reach a decision that sits right with you. You are doing all the right things to make your life better and in doing so will come clarity.
Stand back from what you ‘think’ he feels – and deal with what you know ‘you’ feel. If you give in to what you think he wants, in my opinion, you will struggle. Give yourself time and you will know what you want – if what you want is the same as your husband then you will have spent your times wisely – if it is not, then you will still have spend your time wisely.
Face to face would indeed be terrific but I can hold a light from here and will continue to do so
V