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I am on line tonight at 9pm Neecy

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Hi Neecy
I’m sorry you didn’t make the group but I know it is a busy time.
I was really proud of you when I read you no longer looked like the Wreck of Hesperus – it isn’t the best look is it – wet and broken with barnacles on your bottom!!
I was wondering if the stuff your daughter told your dad was connected to your CG – I do know that different members of the family do see things from different angles and feel pain in different ways. If it was connected to your CG then your father and daughter are victims of the addiction too. Your father does not appear to have handled the situation, with you, in the best way but the addiction to gamble is divisive in families and he should maybe be forgiven for trying to sort out a situation he couldn’t understand that was hurting his daughter.
Fathers want to protect and when the addiction is in a home and hurting the child, many fathers make the wrong decision for the right reason. I am glad that he has made contact with you – you do need support. If I am thinking the right way then your father was rejecting your CG’s addiction, not you.
I am glad to read what you say about self-respect. Most of us lose our self-respect over time when the addiction envelops us so hang on to that which you have and build on it. You are right, you won’t die without him but with an active addiction you can certainly feel you have died a thousand of deaths.
I can hear a wonderful woman and I am proud to have met her. You have had far more than your fair share of problems. You will have ups and downs but the downs do decrease as the ups increase. You have created quite a strong journal now for you to turn to when you are feeling less positive – remember that nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.
I hope that your Christmas Day is peaceful and I hope that at 10am you will join me in cyber space to say the Serenity Prayer. I will be back on Boxing Day and maybe we can ‘meet’ up then. I want to hear about things that you have been doing for yourself.
Get that make up on tomorrow and look amazing. Well done.
Velvet

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You can get there Neecy.
Hope to ‘see’ you tonight
Velvet

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Dear Kathryn
I knew my fitness training wii had dyslexia when it gave my fitness age -thank you Harry for letting me know how little notice to take of it.
I hope you get the Christmas you deserve Kathryn – I will definitely have you in my thoughts on Christmas Day.
I hope that everybody on this site has a day that they can look back on with good memories – there are so many souls changing their lives and thankfully many inspirations like you Kathryn to give hope to all. Thank you for all the hope and joy you give me.
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Hi Neecy
Friends judge because they don’t understand but they are invaluable for support and they mean well for you.
I really hope you make it into the group tomorrow evening (Thursday), it is so good to talk in real time. If you have connection issues keep trying – I can see you popping in and out and it is frustrating.
Never feel terrible or apologise for anything you say in the group or on the forum. We are all here for the same reason and it is understood that we all care for one another and mean well so no offence should ever be taken.
What happened last Christmas or last week is in the past – today is all that matters on this forum. Today I want you to do something for yourself and then pop into the group and tell me what you have done. In cyber space we can have a glass of cyber wine or a cup of cyber tea while we share our thoughts in real time – I look forward to ‘seeing’ you.
Velvet

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Hi Neecy
I know it is easier for me to say that you will find the strength than it is for you to do it.

You don’t mention the posts that are on your thread so I don’t know what your thoughts are on what people say. It does help if we get a feed back.

Christmas bring out so many emotions – memories stream back, some good, some bad.

I understand what you mean when you say you are a bit humbled by the experience of finding yourself in the middle of a world with a gambling addiction. You probably feel you are living in a parallel universe at the moment. The addiction feels all powerful but it isn’t as can be testified by so many.

I hope Neecy that you will come out of this experience stronger. You have had more than your fair share of tragedy over the past few years and maybe you have not had the chance to build your strength up. I firmly believe you can come out of this stronger because I have had the pleasure of seeing so many do so. Spending time in this forum I hope will allow you to realise how important you are.

Your partner has a terrible addiction and maybe you were drawn to him in the belief you could save him and I hope it does not distress you that it was not meant to be. There are far too many who have passed through this forum, intelligent, lively, bright, happy people who have been brought low by this addiction but who because of their own self-belief had felt they could save their CG and found they could not. There is no shame I promise you.

I would be doing you a disservice if I said that your outcome with your partner will definitely be the one that you want but what I can say is that ‘you’ have in you the power and ability to control your life and to more on from this experience a stronger person.

You are not weak. You are a mother and a teacher and those who love you need you to be in control. The addiction makes you feel weak but it is not ‘your’ addiction, you can refuse it, – it is your CG who has the battle so let him get on with his fight and you look after you.

What is said in the group stays in the group so I hope to see you again soon with that safe-guard but I do ask if you have had bereavement counselling or any one-to-one counselling for yourself? It seems to me you have a real need to talk, preferably face-to-face about things that this site does not cover. I think, in life, there are times when we need someone just to listen to us and hopefully push a few positive thoughts our way but other times we need a little more practical help. Your world has been wobbly for a time, even before the addiction entered it.

From all you have said I think you should use this time to look after yourself, to talk to your daughters and your friends about anything other than gambling. The world is a wonderful place but it can look very scary when we are not in control.

When you reply – please just write in the comment box and then click ‘save’ in the box below – it makes it easier to find your latest message by keeping it in date order.

You are doing well Neecy – you are talking and you are listening. Healing from ‘all’ that you have been through takes time – it is gradual and exhausting but ultimately it is a walk back to life.

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I know the thread I have dragged up is ancient but I wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts. You have done so much for so many on this site and I know we will hear from you again.

I send you my hope that this Christmas will bring you, your daughters, your mum and your husband happiness. I also hope that your father will have peace in his heart. He fought a losing battle for so long, he must be weary.

As Ever Twilight

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Dear Pink

In the hope you still glance this way I want you to know that you are remembered. It would be great to hear from you

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Dear BB

If you are still reading, please update. Like so many others I wonder how you are

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I have waited with bated breath for the update you recently implied would be in my sticky mit very shortly. Now with all my breath bated-out I hope to receive an update.

You are slipping down the forum which sometimes means that all is well. Does it????

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Hi Neecy

As promised – some points that I hope will help you understand a bit more. I want to go and relax so I am sorry this is cobbled together from posts I have written many times but hopefully the message will be clear.

Although it is not recognized professionally the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us manage.

Imagine your partner’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it will stay quiet, although it never sleeps.

Your partner is controlled by that addiction but you are not. When you threaten that addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument. It is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not. Once it is between you, you will only hear the addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak (or text) the addiction distorts your words and your partner cannot comprehend your meaning. Imagine his head is full of water – he can hear you speak but it is as though through water – it doesn’t make sense.

My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy. While I was saying what made sense to me, his addiction was distorting my words, convincing him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction is all about failure for the CG which has no love for the addict or those who love them. However much your partner convinces you that he is in control – he is not.

The addiction to gamble means that the CG will only know failure but when you try and tell your partner such things though he will not understand. Gordon House has specialists who can open his eyes if he wants them opened. They cannot stop him gambling anymore than you can but they do have the knowledge to show him how to change and how to control his addiction..

I don’t know why my CG is a compulsive gambler – I don’t know why I am not. What I do know is what it took him to change his life and how it was important that I changed too.

In answer to your question I don’t think you will get him to understand you until he is ready and there is no crystal ball to say what the outcome will be. We believe that understanding ‘us’ is the answer but it isn’t. One of the strangest things I had to learn from this addiction was the importance of my CG trusting me – I always thought it had to be about me trusting him. My old behavior would never have given us a steady base on which to build our relationship – I had to change too. Keep learning, keep asking questions and most importantly keep looking after yourself.

Must away

Speak soon

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Dear Turtle

The traces in the sand tell me that you do return to these pages occasionally and so for the next time you do, I want there to be a message at this special time of the year.

I wish you, your husband and your daughter all the joy of Christmas and hope that this year it will be a time of great warmth in your home.

I know that with the amazing strength and purpose you apply to your life you will be working hard, trying to make everything good for everybody else. Please remember yourself and give you the gift of peace.

I will be saying the Serenity prayer out loud at 10.00 hours UK time on Christmas Day and my thoughts will be with you.

I hope to hear from you.

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Hi
I am not sure that Bonker’s post is accurate. I suspect this an old thread and I feel it is not right to start surmising on Looby’s son’ rcovery. If Looby is reading of course we wish her a happy Christmas and maybe she can give us an accurate update.

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Dear B
The positive bit was great and did rather put the negative bit in the shade.
Learning to control the addiction to gamble does of course involve handling stress if it is approached in the right way as I suspect your husband’s rehab did BUT handling ‘all’ stress – not possible methinks.
Sometimes small and insignificant things happen and irritate the calmest soul. Maybe putting the pasta in a bowl in the middle of the table and letting him serve himself next time will let him know you found his earlier reaction unreasonable – teaching him is still an ongoing process because he is still a work in progress. You know the nature of the interruption and the decibels the yelling reached when you interrupted his tv vewing– was the murderer about to be uncovered in the programme he had been glued to for 2 hours?
Irritations occur in all relationships – it is the level of irritation and the level of the reaction that matters. Somebody who is worried would probably tut quicker but it doesn’t mean they are not handling stress – yelling does imply that stress is not being handled and the reason for the stress probably needs to be dealt with. Your husband does have ongoing concerns with his father and it would be better for him to share them so try and let him know that shouting is not the way to do it. You are much stronger than your husband B – see the yell for what it is – it is almost certainly not directed at you – it is probably an anger that is still boiling inside him.
I don’t suggest you put up with bad behaviour because it can easily become the norm again. Ask him why he yelled. Remind him of the happy trip away and let him know you don’t deserve his anger. I am not in favour of the silent treatment as I believe that is when distorted perceptions fester, although I think it is best to walk away in the immediate aftermath of the yell and count to at least 10.
You are doing well – it is best to stay calm when you are dealing with your husband – stressing yourself is not good for your pregnancy and doesn’t help either of you. If there is something ‘going on’ use your powers of persuasion to find out what – you can possibly do it by reminding him that you are not the cause.
Speak soon
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Dear San

That is one terrific post and one tremendous corner – well done

V

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