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Dear Neecy
I am glad you have updated and really pleased to hear you are getting counselling – well done.
You didn’t lose your boyfriend Neecy, addicted to gambling he was incapable of giving you the love you deserve bcause he was already lost. Accept that he has an addiction which made him incapable of giving you the love you deserve, rather than believing he never loved you.
I hope you will not take any words or actions from his sister to heart because around every active compulsive gambler there are many people who are hurt and a group that really do have a lot of pain to deal with and in my view seldom get understanding are the siblings.
I imagine if my brother had been a CG and I had lost my equal standing with my parents or my sister-in-law or his partner I would have cried “what about me?” When you look at how much understanding and support is needed with this addiction I think it becomes clear that the sibling probably does not get it.
I know I have generalised but we have only ever had a couple of siblings write on here before and so I have taken their stories and the experience of others and feel that I am somewhere near the truth.
You are doing really well. Stay clear of relationships that can hurt you, understand that you are not to blame and get on with ‘your’ life. Please keep posting – it is great to get your update.
I hope the exercise class gives you a terrific boost and you have lot of laughs. You are doing well.
Velvet

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Hi Worried
When I felt I was becoming powerless with a terrible anger that frightened me, I would shut myself away at and write a secret journal. I took all the pain and put it in writing, pouring it out on to the page– never to be read by anyone. I used to take all the things that had hurt me and type furiously with spelling mistakes, capital letters, underlining and strong swearing (words I have never uttered) . My fingers learned to move like wild-fire and when I had finished each session I would feel drained but there was also a feeling of release, as that particular pain was no longer whizzing round my brain causing me to lose my ability to cope. I never re-read what I had written but printed the pages off and I kept them in a secret file. I didn’t feel the need to re-read them because somewhere other than my mind my pain was held for me like an external hard-drive.
I never got round to sharing with friends – I held the secret in shame and misery. I hope you will find release in this forum and of course in the group there is complete privacy.
I understand the resolve gradual dissolving but unless resolve is held each wound will just add to all the others. I unwittingly lived with the addiction for 23 years – he told me then that he had a problem with gambling but it meant nothing and I went a further 2 years in confusion. Knowing what you are facing does make a difference. Realising how important you are and that you are not to blame in any way is paramount to ‘your’ recovery.
Your son in unhappy and he almost certainly believes that nobody understands ‘his’ misery, he will believe his unhappiness to be deeper and different to anybody else. I hope the psychiatrist has some understanding of the addiction to gamble but listen to what your son is told and make your own judgement. If you don’t hear positive action from him then look for other options. Other CGs do understand your son, which I why our groups, helpline, forum and GA are so effective.
It is ok to feel anger but it is better if it is channelled into things that will not hurt you – shouting at your son will do no good – he cannot hear.
Stick with us – keep posting, join our groups, talk to our helpline – it does make a difference.
Do you have other children? Siblings are affected by an addiction in the family and it is easy to take your eye of the ball and only see the addiction everywhere.
You are not alone Worried. I survived it and I have survived it with a vengeance. You can do it.
Velvet

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Hi Worried
I am so pleased you knew to come back – welcome.
I probably remember you under another name but I have no idea what support you were given when you came before, so please forgive any repetition
Before I say anymore I want you to know that it is because I know the addiction to gamble can be controlled that I am writing to you and like you, it is my son who is the CG.
You have mentioned your son’s low self-esteem and isolation from his friends but you have not said anything about you and you are very important in your son’s ultimate determination to change his life.
A way of coping with your son’s addiction that is nor recognised professionally but has been successfully used by many members, is to imagine your son’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room and to always remember that your son is controlled by that addiction but you do not have to be.
When you speak to your son, the addiction beast in the corner is watching and waiting for a reason to gamble further and to blame you and the world for that urge. When you threaten the addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument because it is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not. Once the addiction is between you, you will only hear his addiction speak – its weapons are lies and deceit and it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. As you speak the addiction distorts your words making them incomprehensible to your son.
My CG, son who does live in control of his addiction, explained it to me by saying that when I talked to him about love, honesty and living a decent life, his addiction was hard at work passing on to his confused mind, that I could not possibly love him because he was unlovable and worthless (the same low self esteem you mention in your son). As a result he believed me a liar and didn’t trust me. He knew he was lost but he didn’t know that I knew it too, so his addiction fought back horribly because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The threat of suicide is the addiction’s ultimate thread and the most difficult to cope with but it is the threat of an addiction.
I cannot tell you what to do but I think it is better not to believe anything your son says while he is an active CG because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what he is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into. Come back on here and tell me what he is saying rather than argue with him.
Are you worrying about this on your own? Do you have other family to support you? The addiction to gamble divides families by feeding on lies and secrecy. Unfortunately unless people have lived with the addiction to gamble, their opinions can be very narrow and not supportive so personally I think it is best to tell others as a statement rather than ask for opinions which are generally unhelpful. You can gather information here so that you can make your own informed decisions with that knowledge. Often it is better to share – especially as your son’s addiction is possibly/probably hurting other too.
I like the term quasi recovery but I know it is an extremely fragile state. In my opinion it would be good to tell your son that you are seeking support that you are making the effort and you are stronger for it. Find out about local GA groups, perhaps tell him about this site and suggest he calls our helpline, look into dedicated addiction counsellors. Write information down about support groups in big letters and leave it where he can find it – again if you approach him verbally, his addiction will not want to hear. I think it is good to let him know without fear and tears that you are on his side – that you are seeking to understand, rather than telling him what you think he should do. There are no words to make him stop gambling but there are seeds you can sow in his mind that a gamble-free life is possible, that you will support him if he seeks it but you will not support his addiction.
He is not alone and he will be understood in GA, on our helpline and in our forum ‘My Journal’. We have CG only groups that he can join and know that what he says is understood. Give him hope – but most importantly look after you because as part of the wreckage of his addiction, you will not be able to support him.
Write again soon and hopefully join me in one of our F&F only groups which are listed at the top in ‘Support Groups’.
Velvet

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Dear Adele
I have brought you to the top in the hope of an update.
I am hoping that the therapist that you have found is answering your needs and that is why you have gone so very quiet.
Something tells me we will hear from you again but until then, please be aware you are remembered, cared about and always welcome.
V

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Hi B
What was different about New Year? What was there at Christmas that was not there at New Year?
To the CG in recovery, New Year is a reminder of failed resolutions in past years and concerns of failure in the year to come. Was your husband returning to his job after a break over Christmas? Was there a parental visit involved between the 2 occasions? Are the concerns about your health worrying your husband? What was different B?
In recovery the CG takes responsibility for their actions but it is hard to forget the failures of the past at times like New Year
I think you can, in time, have it ‘all’ but you do need to stay strong and your husband, in my opinion, needs to get back in touch with his supporting network. Responsible behaviour grows with time but any perceived set-backs in life do cause the recovering CG to waver and I am not saying to crumble.
It seems to me he didn’t deal with all that he should have dealt with when he was in rehab – a counsellor can only deal with what is given to them but if the CG holds back there is nothing the counsellor can do. I think your husband needs steady and constant support, of the right type, so that given time all his underlying problems can be worked through. I don’t think this is your job – your job is to stay healthy and look after your unborn baby and your child.
I cannot tell you what to do, as you know B, but if it was me I would suggest firmly to him to return to his support groups and the counsellors at his rehab. My CG ‘knew’ that he could/should return to his support if/when he struggled, it was part of the whole recovery process – has your husband been given such advice?
Some of the ‘gambler only’ (evening in the UK) groups on this site are run by a CG who lives in control of his addiction and believes in constant support – he himself goes to GA without fail as well as being a facilitator. I think your husband could benefit from such a group. If you think this would be an option let me know and I will find out more or you can ask our helpline when it is open.
Hope to speak to you again soon
V

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Dear Madge
I am not a CG and therefore unable to read the mind of a CG but I do remember thinking that I understood why my CG had behaved in a certain way when he walked away from me. I thought he was giving me the chance to breathe, that he had done enough damage and could not bear to take me down any further. In recovery he told me that he walked away for himself because as a pathetic blob I was of no further use to his addiction – it had nothing to do with love or regret for me. It was tough lesson but it taught me that thinking we have insightful moments is probably not our best thought.
I think you found words that made sense to you and they make sense to me but I don’t think they would have made sense to your husband, wrapped up, as he is, in distortion. What you did say was supportive and open and he chose not to listen, or he couldn’t comprehend your intended meaning. I see his remark as less of a desire to hurt but the usual desire to blame.
I cannot tell you what to do Madge but personally I wouldn’t offer olive branches to a person whose addiction was still hurting me. Olive branches are to be extended to someone who you have disagreed with – it is a symbol of peace. You have not disagreed with your husband nor brought a fight to his door; he is a CG and in simple terms the usual methods of sorting things out are not available.
I realise this is somewhat negative but acceptance of what you are possibly facing is, in my opinion, so important to you.
What exactly is he doing to change his life? What therapist, counsellors is he seeing and how often? I cannot know why your husband is still putting so many stumbling blocks in front of your relationship but I do question the effort that he is putting in to changing his life. Your husband is apparently not tipping any of his illogical thoughts out of his mind at all.
I wish I could dry your tears but the only person who can do this is you. The snowstorm will pass just as one day you will emerge from the nightmare you are living. You cannot control the snow but you can control your life.
I am urging you on with Jenny –
Be strong – the most important weapon in the hands of an aggressor is the mind of the oppressed. Rise above it Madge – you can do it.
V

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Dear Neecy
I will try and explain ‘the other woman’ syndrome that many F&F feel.
The addiction to gamble fills the head of an active CG so there is no room for good things. It is often supposed by those who love CGs that there is another woman because the mind of their loved one is absent so much. The addiction is often referred to as the CG’s mistress.
Because the CG mind is so full of addiction they do struggle with relationships – the person who loves them wants more than they are prepared to give because the addiction is a demanding mistress. Some CGs turn to porn which satisfies cravings without responsibility, some turn to internet dating sites – hoping to prove, by receiving interest, that they are ‘normal’ although unless the addiction is dealt with, ‘love’ as you know it, will not be understood.
There is no shame in falling in love with a CG. If they were not charming they would not get the enablement they crave but the addiction gets worse if it is untreated, which is why cracks appear later on in relationships.
You are a lovely person and you have had more than your fair share of tragedy and it is for this reason I urge to look after yourself and leave your CG to take care of his own future.
Nobody can know the outcome of a relationship but I think that turning your thoughts to that which we talked about this morning is far better for you. Retake control of your life, do what pleases you and makes you smile. Learn from what has happened but don’t let it bring you down any further because that would mean the addiction has won.
Realise your worth – you are doing well
V

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Hi Madge
It only takes a little bit of light to make a enormous difference to what you can see.
‘You have turned a ridiculous game into a positive step and each tiny step will take you closer to your goal – even if are not 100% sure what your goal is yet. You are moving in the right direction. This new behaviour is doing something right for the right reason – great.
In many ways the F&F has a similar road to take to the CG when they want recovery. They have to tip old behaviour out of their clouded minds, leaving room for new thoughts that lead to new behaviour. It takes others to support in the tipping and there is no shame in that. The more we listen the more we learn to tip and the more clarity comes to our over-worked and sadly distorted brains. How well you describe this when you say ‘I feel even this tiny shift has given me room to breathe…much needed room’.
It is difficult to draw back from everybody else’s problems when you are the mother and wife in a family with so many problems in it but in my opinion, if we take on everybody else’s problems we over-load and help nobody. I used to think of myself as the foundation on which the whole structure of my family depended – eventually the foundation didn’t just crumble it imploded and turned to dust. There was a lot of debris flying around for a while, quite a long while in fact and I couldn’t see through it – but then as it began to settle and I saw light through the haze I saw my family not just managing but succeeding – they were supporting themselves.
I don’t believe there is a necessity to implode; I think that tiny steps towards keeping the foundation in good repair are what is needed. It seems to me by standing back and letting your husband work something out for himself has helped you repair a little.
The light you can see will only be false hope if you blow it out. Fan the flames M, a little at a time – success is not the result of spontaneous combustion, you must set yourself on fire first’. Once you have taken a step forward don’t look back but let the success of that step fill you with renewed hope and then when you are ready (and not before) take another step. Nobody can judge the speed you should go at – whatever feels safe and liberating to you is right.
I don’t wonder why it took me so long to ‘get the message’ or how I ended up in the middle of a cycle of addiction – I am just relieved that I came through it in the end. While we are analysing the whys and wherefores we often waste time thinking of ‘today’ and that is all that really matters.
You can rest assured that those of us who are willing you on will hold your hand and rejoice at every step.

V

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Dear Ell
You can let the memory of Christmas 2012 go now – from now on your memory can be this Christmas and on this Christmas your lovely little girl had presents under the tree – but more importantly she had her mother and her father there with her, loving her and each other.
Of course I have no crystal ball but I can see in my mind’s eye a little family united in love and I could wish for no better vision.
‘You’ have made your joy possible Ell, you have created the home in which your little girl is safe and happy and your husband is blossoming. I listened to you but you did all the work. Your husband has had to work hard too and I am glad he has had a counsellor who allowed him to mature. It is a fact that when a family support a CG it makes the recovery more likely to succeed and you have done that. You have been frightened but you held fast, you showed bravery when you didn’t feel it and you didn’t give up when you felt crushed. I understand all those things Ell.
I send all good wishes to you, your husband, your little girl, your very special brother, your mum and all the other people I have come to ‘know’ through you. It has been a pleasure.
με αγάπη – όπως πάντα
V

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Hi Jenny
I hope those boys were behaving themselves upstairs – Detective Jenny is a formidable force.
You may have noticed that I have not jumped on your thread – nay I am positive you will have noticed but I am also sure that you will know that I have been watching, just as I noticed when you stopped writing.
I could never judge as you know – the piece of elastic you were attached to was far too familiar! It is extremely hard to get yourself into a position where you can cut yourself completely free and there is no shame in believing you have done it only to find yourself being pulled back again.
The addiction doesn’t burst into a life with a fanfare – it works subtly, gradually demoralising its victim over years and yet one hopes, expects even, that recovery will be easy. You have been a fantastic supporter all through your attempts to find your own recovery – it is a method I recognise and sometimes I knew you were using it, sometimes I wasn’t sure.
I feel you have chopped through the bungee rope that was pinging you back and forth – there is strength in your words and in your support for others that is far stronger but please look after yourself first. These are not idle words – having you here supporting as you do is amazing but always, always take support too.
Unfortunately in our site transition, the posts on the Topic forum disappeared. It is still hoped they can be re-found. My favourite was always the ‘Wounded Healer’- it was the one that made me stop and think the most (about myself too) and I think it is great that one post that has transferred well was written by you in August 2012 – it is annoying that asterisks blot out words such as ‘needs’.
The addiction to gamble can ruin your life or you can use it as the greatest experience you will ever have. I know you can be healed from the wounds it inflicts but they are deep and they do seep and can re-open many times before they can be declared healthy and free of re-infection. I have re-read your post in the Topic Forum a few times and knowing now that it was written by a person whose wounds were open, I want you to know that I am here for you and that in a group you can be totally open – I can’t believe I am saying that to you but I hope you will take it in the spirit with which it is meant – I know you will tell me if you have any problem with my words.
I am absolutely delighted you are supporting others but please allow me and others to support you.
Next group is January 1st a New Year and new hope. Let’s make it a good one
V

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Hi Neecy
I am not sure how you are hearing stuff from your CG online but if it was me I would stay away from it. Unasked for, unconstructive criticism tells us a great deal more about the person doing the criticising and the opinions of this man are not worth getting upset over.
This is one of the places in your life where I hope you will feel you don’t have to justify ‘your’ actions.
I understand you saying that you hope he now reads what you have written because he has hurt you with his words but I think it is very important Neecy not to join in such a game – keeping your head held high and not wasting any more of your energy on his addiction is a far healthier option.
The greatest revenge on his addiction is for you to be happy – all ‘your’ recovery comes down to ‘you’ in the end. Whether he wastes the golden opportunity he has now, or not, is down to him.
I am sorry you are hearing the garbage he is spouting but I will be sorrier still if you allow his addiction to hurt your recovery.
I don’t have a group on Tuesday but I will be here on Wednesday morning at 11.00. I hope to speak to you then.
Velvet

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Hey San
You survived Christmas and you are looking good. Ok so your CG’s visit did not go as well as you had hoped but here you are bouncing back and looking forward to a shopping spree – well done.
I’m positive San, positive that you have done well and not given into your son’s addiction, positive that you can put this incident behind you and get on with your life.
Who needs misery?
Speak soon
V

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Hi Megan
I am glad you have found us; I hope we can give you peace of mind.
I wanted to say a personal ‘hello’ as well as giving you our official welcome. Unfortunately I have visitors at the moment but I will write to you tomorrow.
Having quickly read your post I think you have been doing great and your husband is a fantastic support.
As Jenny rightly says, Twilight is the child of a compulsive gambler and writes now as an adult, married with children of her own. She will almost certainly see your post soon and will reply to you. I will speak to you again tomorrow.
Velvet

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Hello Mkeefer

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your

situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

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Neecy – If you have tried and not succeeded – try again. I think I have an hour tonight

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