[velvet]

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Hello Tired

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your

situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi B
Well the exams should be over by now which is hopefully one less stress in your home. Have you noticed a change for the better in your husband’s behaviour?

Was your husband encouraged to keep a journal as part of his rehab? I am wondering if he would find a pattern in his behaviour connected to a common element. Maybe if he kept a journal of his present thoughts he might be able to recognise the trigger for his poor behaviour and deal with it.

I’m not sure what you meant about it being ‘weird’ that your husband went for a game of pool after GA. There is terrific bonding between CGs seeking to live gamble-free lives. They share something that those without the addiction are not privy to and enjoying a game of pool together would probably be part of that bonding. They could/should feel safe with each other. It is certainly a shame that someone tried to pick a fight with your husband. GA brings CGs together by a common addiction but they are from all walks of life and are not the same. Confronting the other man took courage and hopefully will make them both stronger.

Has your husband been to GA since?

I look forward to an update and hope to see you in a group soon.

Velvet

[velvet]

Dear San
I pray that your scan went well for you today.
You are in my thoughts
As Ever
V

[velvet]

Hi Ali
In your first email you mention self-banning so I suspect Jenny felt that the idea was being pushed around by your partner.

Giving information to an active CG as to where he/she can find the support they need is something that F&F can actively get involved with. Perhaps you could look into the self-banning facility at the casino and write the information for him on a piece of paper so that he can look at it in his own time. I don’t suggest you tell him directly as his addiction will probably see you as threatening it and another row could ensue. He, of course is the only one who can actually do the self-banning which is part of him taking responsibility for his own life.

I also believe in printing off the ‘gamblers anonymous 20 questions’ (Google – gamblers anonymous 20 questions) and leaving them for the CG to find – he might screw it up and throw it away but many CGs are not aware that the problem they have is recognised and the 20 questions can be a seed sown in a confused mind. Whatever his reaction to your suggestions, in my opinion, it is best not to over-react. The light bulb moments for CGs are seldom, if ever, when the loved one F&F is suggesting ways forward because the addiction uses such conversations as a way into argument which can be turned into an excuse to gamble.

Keep posting. I hope to ‘meet’ you in a group soon

Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Ali
I am glad you have found your way to this site. I’m sorry that the F&F only group only has a 15 minute window at the beginning of the hour and then it is inaccessible. It would be great to meet you.
I wouldn’t be on this site if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and I think you have made some good moves towards helping your CG. You cannot make him stop gambling but looking after the finances is always a good first step – it protects you and also your loved one. In my opinion though you cannot be his keeper and his conscience – you cannot save him – there is no approach that will potentially ‘make’ him see what is best for him – as a CG he will believe he knows what is best for him.
Unfortunately when the addiction is triggered the demands for finance can be quite frightening and it is easy to give in. Understanding the addiction will give you power over it – it is important to always remember that you do not have the addiction and therefore you are the stronger.
Keep posting Ali – there is a wealth of information on here for you. Hopefully I will meet you in a group soon. Nothing said in an F&F only group appears on the forum.
I am away for the weekend but I will look for you on my return.
Velvet

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Hi Ed
I was drawn to your thread a year ago by your username. I was probably wrong but I sensed a challenge and not a submission. I knew that CGs could control their addiction and those who love them could refuse to allow the addiction to bring them down but on the other hand I also knew the courage it would take to control that addiction especially the fear of letting go. How glad I am that you did not submit but fought a battle royal against the forces that would have brought you down.
It is great that there are informative programmes that tell you how your mind is wired because it will help you defeat those who would seek to overturn your resolve. You are different and for me that is something that can make life more exciting – if you allow it.
You have got an amazing wife – it is always good to hear about someone who loves a CG but has come through and is living a life without the shadow of the addiction hanging over them. I would imagine there were many times when she doubted your love for her. Some time ago an F&F member put this on the forum

• Forgiveness isn’t condoning the behaviour.

• Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened.

• Forgiveness isn’t restoring trust.

• Forgiveness isn’t synonymous with reconciliation.

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean doing the other person a favour.

• Forgiveness isn’t easy.

Both of you have shown courage in the last year and the fight goes on as you know. I am so glad you know the forum is here for you and especially delighted that your posts give hope to so many.
I doubt I ever miss your returns to the forum and each and every post has left me smiling.
Thank you
V

[velvet]

Dear Kathryn
I haven’t spoken to you in ages but as it seems I am the first to see this post I will take this as a golden opportunity to catch up.
I think it is common for siblings to find themselves not communicating clearly at difficult times like this when a parent is involved.
I have a little note stuck on my wall that says ‘when someone is determined to find fault with me and judge me regardless of the truth the only way I can win is not to play’. I am not suggesting that anyone is playing but maybe your sister has lost her way a bit and I think it would be good for you to carry on, doing what you are doing, knowing that you are doing everything for the right reason and not dwell too much on the whys and wherefores of her behaviour.
Your sister has been your rock and has been someone you could depend on – look after your mum and do what you have to do and hopefully your relationship with your sister will return as good as it was before.
Don’t try and put your finger on anything – just be yourself and you will be fine.
As Ever
V

[velvet]

Dear BB
You lit up my room when I read your post.
Once F&F enter a true and healthy recovery there is no need to look back apart from for ‘reference only’. I believe you will go on to use your experience in all walks of your life and I am so happy for you.
You are no longer wreckage from your husband’s gambling addiction and I am sure that will give you the strength to cope with his drinking and to make informed decisions now that ‘your’ mind is not clouded by his addiction. I certainly believe your strength will help him.
I think all F&F who love CGs pray for the gambling to stop believing that, that is an end in itself and in a way it is – the gambling has to stop to allow the distortions to be tipped out of a brain clouded by addiction. It is important that the massive void that must occur is filled with things that are good but sadly that is not always the case.
Your husband has hopefully been enjoying a gamble-free time and that freedom is something that he can bring to mind when he next reflects on his behaviour. For you – the freedom you have felt as the responsibility of his addiction has dropped from your shoulders will not be forgotten by you and that is what will drive you on. Everything that you have said is right for the right reasons. You are a tower of strength.
I am not the same person I was 7 years ago and I will not be that person again. The relearning is fun and the light bulb moments take away the shadows in the fragile areas. I am still growing and learning and I will never cease to be childlike in my joy at reading another member pass through that dark tunnel.
It is possible to ‘accept’ and feel normal – it is right and proper that you do.
I am so pleased you returned to update – I salute your courage and wish you well.
Post for as long as you want to do so – you will always be heard.
V

[velvet]

Hi Amy
Well done starting your thread, I think you have done the best thing, sharing your problem where you are understood.
In my opinion the first thing for you to do is to stop fighting all the time over something that is not in ‘your’ control – I am not surprised you feel worn out.
A way of coping with your boyfriend’s addiction that is nor recognized professionally but has been successfully used by many members, is to imagine your boyfriend’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room and to always remember that although your boyfriend is controlled by that addiction you do not have to be.

When you speak to your boyfriend, the addiction beast in the corner is watching and waiting for a reason to gamble further and to blame you and the world for that urge. When you threaten the addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument because it is the master of threats and manipulation and you are not. Once the addiction is between you, you will only hear his addiction speak – its weapons are lies and deceit and it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. As you speak the addiction distorts your words making them incomprehensible to your boyfriend.

My CG, who does live in control of his addiction, explained it to me by saying that when I talked to him about love, honesty and living a decent life, his addiction was hard at work passing on to his confused mind, that I could not possibly love him because he was unlovable and worthless. As a result he didn’t trust me. He knew he was lost but he didn’t know that I knew it too, so his addiction fought back horribly because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism.
If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your boyfriend is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
Your boyfriend will not understand how his addiction affects you until he accepts he has an addiction and seeks help. While his addiction is active he will not take responsibility for his own behavior. His addiction causes depression as it takes away self -confidence and self-esteem.
What you can do to help him may seem a trifle compared to the enormity of the difficulty you feel but I assure you it is not. Look after yourself first, do things for you because you want to do them. See friends and enjoy ‘your’ life. By being strong, by showing him that you are not part of the wreckage of his addiction, however much you feel it but you would be a rock for him to turn to when he determines to change his life.
I cannot tell you what to do but giving money to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic. When a CGs gambling debts are cleared by another there may be a 5 minute thank you but then ‘whoopee no more debts means more gambling’.
I hope some of this helps.
Please keep posting and perhaps join our groups where you will be welcome.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your

situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Shelly
I imagine you feel as though you are on a piece of piece of elastic bouncing up and down, day in day out, year in year out – every time you feel better you bounce right back into the mire of addiction again – it’s enough to make anyone angry and mad.
I fully appreciate that being told that looking after yourself doesn’t seem a fantastic answer to your problems – but it is.
I remember one member who came back and told me that she had never believed that looking after herself would make an iota of difference. When she last posted she was a changed person, she was feisty and strong and living ‘her’ life as she wanted it to be, doing the most amazing things. She is far from alone in the success stories on this forum but I remember using the elastic analogy with her and she recognised that, that was how she felt and she resented her husband’s addiction having that pull over her. I remember her particularly because she said that she had really believed I was wrong and I thought it was great that she came back to tell me.
Being bounced up and down by an addiction you do not own will make you feel helpless but cutting that elastic and freeing yourself will give you control of ‘you’ and take away the feeling of helplessness.
I wish I could say that ‘just’ sitting down and talking to your husband would make his addiction listen but if he doesn’t want to give up his gambling then all the tears, pleading, rational discussion, love in the world will do nothing. You want him to know that you are depressed and acknowledge that he has hurt you but he will only be able to do that when he changes his life and he won’t change his life if he doesn’t want to stop gambling.
Keep posting Shelly – I know it seems you are hitting your head against a brick wall but chinks of light will appear.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Kingskid
Unfortunately your old thread didn’t transfer across to our new site so I can’t bring it up for you to receive the support I think you want.
I appreciate you have been down this road many times before but you are back here now and I don’t think you would be if you didn’t want someone who understands the problem you are living with to listen and share with you.
I am aware that you are armed with knowledge of the addiction and you have your barriers in place. Maybe you feel there is nothing more that we can add to what you have already done – maybe you are right but we want to walk with you again because ‘going down the same road’ is something that is understood here and in my opinion it is easier having understanding companions on the way.
You have your story in the middle of Neecy’s thread.. Starting another thread would give us the ability to talk to ‘you’.

On this forum ‘you’ are the priority and I believe we can offer you more support as you hang in there. For those who wish to support you it is difficult knowing we are on someone else’s thread so I do urge you to start your own thread, contact our helpline, join our groups, use the benefits available on this site.
I do remember you and I think it is great that you knew you could return – well done.
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Jenny
If knowing that so many people care helps, I hope you feel strengthened.
It is a privilege to be owned by a dog – nobody will ever know the secrets of our hearts better. In return for unconditional love, they trust us to feed, cuddle, run, play with them and sadly make the ultimate decision for them, a decision that can never feels right for us. .
As Nomore says, each day with a dog is a gift. Talk to him about all the wonderful times you have shared and when the times comes, take one day at a time being supported by those treasured memories . For what it is worth, I will weep with you when the time comes.

V

[velvet]

Hi KB
Although it doesn’t matter whether the CG we are concerned about is a child/parent or spouse, each story on this forum is unique.
Please start a thread so that you can receive replies to ‘your’ particular concerns and get the individual support that you deserve.
At the bottom of the Friends and Family Forum page click on the purple box entitled ‘New Topic’, give a subject title, write in the comments area and click ‘save’ in the green box at the bottom. Your thread will appear and you will receive replies just for ‘you’. If you are concerned that the username you have given yourself is something that your son could identify with and you would rather that he did not, you can change it.
We have 3 Friends and Family only groups each week and the times are listed in ‘Support Groups’ at the top of this page. I would love to ‘meet’ you in a group where we can talk in total privacy – nothing said in a group appear on the forums.
I am the mother of a compulsive gambler but I know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled which is why I am here.
Well done on finding us – please use us and know that you are not alone anymore.
Velvet
You may never know what results come from your actions but if you do nothing, there will be no results. – Mahatma Gandi

[velvet]

Hi Worried
Just a quick note on your Gamanon group – stick with it. Every now and then it crops up on the site whether it is harder/different to be a parent or wife/husband, etc to a CG. My answer is that it doesn’t matter – the addiction is the same so why waste energy quantifying who has the greater pain? Everybody learns from everybody else and that is what matters.
When I first joined my Gamanon group, all the other member were wives or partners of a CG – I was the only mother of a CG. Maybe in made me do more listening in the early days. Gamanon was my route to my salvation.. How we cope is down to each and every person and it doesn’t matter who it is we love with the addiction.
My son told me that I could have done nothing to prevent his addiction, nor was I to blame. I had been told this many times in Gamanon but to hear it from the horse’s mouth as it were has helped me progress and I hope that it will help you too.
As yet, your son cannot speak as a person in control of his addiction but never lose hope. Youth makes them feel invincible and nothing you can say will change that until he is ready..
How much better it is for you and you son that you put yourself first, enjoy the company of others, seek new friendships, have hobbies and interests. When the time comes for your son to realise that his destructive addiction controls him and it is that which is ruining his life, then he will have a healthy, strong mother to talk to and share with, whereas if you are another victim of his addiction you will not be fit enough to help him or you.
Sow the seeds for him. Point him towards GA, this site, dedicated addiction counsellors but recognise that you cannot save him – only he can do that. The only person you can save is you and believe me that is so very, very important.

Velvet

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