[velvet]

A massive worry over with Lorraine – the relief must be tremendous. Now with your daughter recovering so speedily you can turn the greater part of your energies back on your own recovery.
Well done Mother and Daughter
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi P
You are doing the right thing concentrating on controlling your addiction – you cannot save any other members of your family, only yourself.
It is difficult to keep up with all the members active at the moment on the site but I do pop across a lot and read a lot – it gives me such a boost to see CGs winning their battle. It was great to see you in F&F, even if it is only fleetingly. We are one community with the same goal.
Don’t let your confidence in your ability to stay gamble-free slip – crush that voice of addiction, poke it into a dark dungeon and lock the door – you are doing so well.
It is hard to share a coffee break with you as our time differences are great but I am having my coffee now and thinking about you. I know it is cyber space but I hope you can see the light I am holding up to help you find your way safely home. You can do it – you have shown yourself you can do it. I believe in you.
ODAAT time P – if I didn’t know you can do it, I wouldn’t be here.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Lorraine
It’s a while since we spoke but your story moved me and I remember it clearly.
I would imagine the GA member who gave such a thoughtless and crushing remark about your ability to succeed cannot be in a good place themselves. Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent and you felt the remark keenly because you doubt yourself.
I wouldn’t be here is I thought that a person could gamble beyond forgiveness and repair but I believe it is of paramount importance that you forgive yourself first.
I don’t hear somebody socially unacceptable but I do hear someone who believes she is not worth the effort. You are worth the effort Lorraine – I haven’t forgotten anything you told me and yet we have not spoken for possibly two years – that would not be the case if I believed you were without worth.
Your daughter’s surgery must be causing you a great deal of worry and I do wish her well again soon. Heart surgery is so much more common nowadays and results so positive.
What are the GA standards that you feel you will be judged by? If you are being judged then you are in the wrong place.
I wish I could take your fear away. I’m glad you did sign in and I’m glad the words did come. I sincerely hope they come again soon with good news of your daughter and better news for yourself. Believe in yourself Lorraine – if you do, then others will believe in you too.
Don’t let the past ruin your future, you deserve better.
Thinking about you
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Carole
When I read about all you have been through recently and the not so recently I have to take my hat off to you.
I just wanted to pop in and wish you well and tell you that I often read your thread and feel glad that you are here.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Worried
I noticed you responded to my post on siblings so I wondered if you were still reading and if so how you were doing.
How did your son’s psychiatric assessment go?
I know how easy it is to start off strong and then to get sucked back in – so however you are feeling and whatever is going on with your son please always know that your words are understood and there is no judgement on this site – just care.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Bettie
It is so long since I spoke to you I feel I should re-introduce myself!
I have just caught up with all your news – you certainly have been having a rough ride.
I have quite a few insulin dependent friends and I know that meals have to be at a certain time but I think that in the main people do not consider time to be important. I think we all need educating with so many things and it is only experience that gives us that education. I hope all your ‘plugging away’ with your pump pays off soon and you reach a plateau of better health.
Maybe with panic attacks it is good to look back and recognise your strength in the past because however much you feel you lack confidence, the strength and courage that is Bettie, is still there and will keep you safe.
You have never been one that I doubted could live gamble-free – I was drawn to your post years ago by your thread title and I have watched your progress ever since. You deserve tons of credit for the way you have moved on – you are held in high regard by so many.
You are an inspiration Bettie
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Same
The void left by an addiction being turfed out of the mind is a well know condition.
What did gambling stop you doing?
I found myself a few years ago with a void and many people were suggesting ways I could fill it but it was all what they liked and didn’t suit me. I found myself obsessed with the thought ‘I must get a hobby’ and I found that stunted my thoughts because it sounded like a chore. Allow your mind the freedom to decide what you would like to do.
Nothing happened for me until I remembered enjoying playing table-tennis when I was younger before ‘life’ took over in other ways. I am now playing it to the nth degree because it is cheap, physically exhausting, sociable and most of all I love it. I know that money is often a problem when starting to live again (hence the table-tennis) but what tickles ‘your’ taste-buds’
One CG got a dog and that changed his life. It took him out walking where he met other people and he felt a responsibility to the dog which fulfilled something that was lacking in his life.
Physical effort does put you in touch with the ‘inner you’ even if you are puffing like mad afterwards and it needn’t cost much but you have to ‘want’ it.
I will look again soon to see if you are getting ready for snow-boarding at the next Olympics or offering me a challenge to a table-tennis match but be warned I have a wicked service!
Velvet

[velvet]

Hiya P
‘Knowing’ you have a heap of stress coming is to be forewarned so raise the barriers and paint ODAAT all over them along with your own words – ‘I know whats important to me and that is recovery’.
I know you can do it
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Nomore
I wish you a Happy Valentine’s Day and you will be the only person I will say that to because I don’t (and never have) subscribed to the occasion. I don’t understand sending Valentines or receiving them, nor do I understand the sentiment behind the day. I am not comparing my feelings about Valentine’s Day to your marriage but what I hope to convey is that we are all unique and it is your uniqueness that makes you who you are and determines where you go from here. I have welcomed your practical approach to others on the site which comes from your uniqueness.
I know you have had dreadful things happen in your life but I believe, like San, that we are not born to be full of woe. I hope the doctor helps you find your release so that the rest of your life can be more fulfilling.
We are all made up of different highs and lows, successes and failures – how we deal with them depends on all that went before in our unique lives as well as our unique biological make-up. Every one of us is a work in progress but sometimes that progress stalls or is stalled by external events. Kick-starting the next phase is often difficult and again we deal with it uniquely and many of us need a leg-up to get going again.
I am glad you have not given up on ‘you’. What I hope most for you is that you get to know and love the person you are looking for because she deserves to be loved. Maybe love is a concept you find difficult and yet you show love when you help others and I know you love your daughter and your dogs.
I am pleased you knew where to vent
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Kathryn
Your words have resonated all over this site and made a difference to so many people but I understand that you want that voice in your personal life too.
By Dames being passively aggressive, he is seeking out your ‘people pleasing nature’ because he knows he can push your buttons. I believe that the way to deal with a person who is passively aggressive is not to ask questions that you think could come back with a negative. Dames said he ‘wanted’ to go so ignore his follow up grunt and miserable suggestion. The less reactive you are the less ability he has to be a party-pooper.
Finding a voice isn’t easy but what you have described is Dames’ problem not yours, so don’t take it personally. It is difficult I think to empathise with a passively aggressive person when you obviously are not but maybe you could say something like ‘This sounds like it is going to be difficult for you but make the most of it’, rather than ‘you are ruining this for me’.
Offhand I can’t think of any web-sites or particular books at the moment but I know you are capable of real happiness so go and squeeze every bit of happiness out of the weekend and turn a blind eye to anything that seeks to spoil it.
Would you have gone if Dames had said ‘no’ at the beginning?
If it is Dames’ choice to be a misery then let it be your choice to voice your opinion and declare that you are going to enjoy this weekend.
Good to see you posting again
V

[velvet]

Dear San
I am so, so pleased the terror sleeps on and I hope to hear the other issues are resolved soon.
We can only live one day at a time and I think knowing that helps us choose not to allow another person or event to control us. Worrying about yesterday and/or tomorrow allows us too much time to let ‘what ifs’ and ‘if onlys’ enter our heads.
I look forward to reading your post on ‘the ego’ – it sounds like a good thing for getting the little grey cells moving. Perhaps you could put it in this forum as a separate thread because the topic forum didn’t move across from the old site very well.
I appreciate the expression your ‘cg’s adventures – I think it is saying you have listened to him without giving his addiction the reaction it wanted. It will only be when he achieves a gamble-free life that he will fully appreciate how much you loved him when you refused to enable.
I look forward to speaking to you again soon.
V

[velvet]

Dear Ell
I am sure you are still returning here at times and so I am leaving this little note for you to find when you pop in.
Your Christmas story was lovely and described a complete family unit supporting each other through difficult times and part of that family was your CG.
You have been the most wonderful support for your husband and all the happiness you are feeling is deserved. It isn’t possible that every story will have an outcome such as yours because it takes at least two people to make it work. You supported without enablement, you stood your ground and you refused the addiction control of your life. Your CG knew that your determination was not made up of idle words – he could have taken the easy route and allowed his addiction to carry on unabated but he didn’t.
You didn’t stop him gambling but you did make a difference. So when you pop back I want you to know that I still think about you very much – you were brave when you didn’t want to be and I know how hard that is.
You knew the right thing to do; the hard bit was doing it – but you didn’t give in.
με αγάπη για εσάς, το σύζυγό σας και την οικογένειά σας
Velvet

[velvet]

This is one of my favourite threads as I watch ODAAT’s turn into weeks and months. I want you to know how much joy it brings me to read the positivity in these posts.
I’m sure there are many, who maybe don’t write but are comforted by this thread.
thank you Cat for the smile on my face today.

[velvet]

Dear Madge
Confusion is the nature of the addiction to gamble – it is like a whirlwind that sucks you up, leaving you spinning and wondering where the hell you will be when it has finished with you.
I appreciate you have so many things going on in your life at the moment and you desperately want love and support but that is making you vulnerable and addictions feed on vulnerability. Having him stay home appears to have caused even more problems than if he had gone. When he is away working do you feel less stressed? Bluntly Madge, it appears you cannot count on your husband and in my opinion your best choice is to take care of yourself and your children, however difficult that may be. It wasn’t wrong for you to ask your husband to stay home and help – it was what any person going through the difficulties in your life would ask – but his subsequent behaviour sounds typical of a CG who is active in mind, if not in deed.
You got to where you are by living with a terrible addiction that seeks to determine the lives of those around it. Looking after yourself is paramount. Determine that you will not let his addiction bring you down, refuse to allow it permission to affect you.
When the things you have been doing are not working it is time to change and do things differently. I know words can sound hollow Madge but I really, really do understand what it is like to be in the middle of the maelstrom and I know the only way to escape is to refuse to live in the middle of it.
In my opinion you will not be able to rebuild until he has dealt with his addictions and from all you say his mind is still actively fully addicted. Abstinence on its own is not enough.
Thinking about you. You can make a difference.
V

[velvet]

Hi Tired
I am not surprised you are angry, I am glad that your outpouring at least helped you feel a little better.

Is it impossible for you both to find the time to go to your counselling again if it was helping? If your husband could get the support he needs your lives could be easier and everything else you do would be enhanced by it.

Sadly it doesn’t take nerve or the lack of it for a CG to gamble when there is nothing in the bank and debt is piled high – it takes an addiction that is hard to beat but not impossible.

With your husband’s mind so full of addiction he won’t hear the message of the Church anymore than he can hear and disseminate what you are saying. He needs treatment.

I am so pleased that you are thinking about how ‘you’ feel; maybe you could get back to counselling just for you because you do matter so very much.

I understand mother’s putting their children before themselves but you have to be careful that in so doing you don’t become weakened because your children need you to be strong for them. To cope with this addiction it often means that you have to put yourself first so that you are fit enough to cope with the needs of the children. It isn’t selfish – if putting yourself last has not achieved anything then perhaps it is time to try something different.

Children usually see far more than they are given credit for when it comes to this addiction. They can love both parents but not be blinkered to an addicted parent manipulating and causing pain to the other parent. It can lead them to being confused and unsure who they can trust. However much you try and hide it, I suspect your anguish will be felt.

You are waiting on the day that your husband leaves you for someone else. Does this mean that you want him to make a decision that you think could be right for you?

I am hoping that our member called Twilight finds your thread. She is the daughter of a CG and now as an adult she is able to speak for children who cannot speak for themselves.

It would be great to meet you in a group, click on ‘Support Groups’ at the top of this page for times. Nothing said in an F&F group appears on the forum.

Please keep posting until you are ready to make the right decisions for you, your children and ultimately for your husband. You have done so well writing this post – it must have taken a lot of courage – well done.

Velvet

[Author]

Posts