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Hi Sade
You can communicate with me in real time at 10am Hawaiian time on Thursday and I look forward to talking to you. I found your time zone by clicking on Forums at the top of this page and then clicking on ‘The Meeting Place’ forum. The first post from Harry gives the link.
Don’t worry about being stuck in your thoughts and actions – it is better to stand still at such times until you know which way forward is right for you.
I said to you in my last post that it is better to leave information lying around than to make verbal approaches that threaten your bf’s addiction and I hope the following will explain understand why I said that and help you cope a little better until I can answer your direct questions.
It is not recognized professionally but the following is a coping method that many of us have used at the beginning of our recovery to help us cope.
Imagine your bf’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten that addiction it stays quiet, although it never sleeps.
Your bf is controlled by that addiction but you are not. When you threaten that addiction, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation which you are not and nor do you want to be. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will only hear that addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your bf cannot comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind convincing him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction to gamble only offers failure to those who sadly own it.
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. I think it is good, although difficult, to not ‘try’ and believe the CG because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your bf is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you.
By looking after you first you will become stronger, you will reclaim your own life and be able to cope with your children and make the right decisions for your relationship. One of the best ways to win is not to play the game.
It will be great to communicate with you in real time and although I cannot tell you what to do – because all decisions you make have to be ‘yours’, I will answer your questions honestly.Velvet
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Hi trying
Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.
Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂
If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.
You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your
situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂We look forward to hearing all about you!
Take care
The Gambling Therapy Team
PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at ourprivacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!
Dear B
I guessed it must have happened when you didn’t make the group on Thursday and I am so, so pleased for all four of you. She took her time arriving but at last you can hold her and it’s all worth the effort. .
I suspect groups will be even more erratic with another baby wanting your attention but I am sure I will hear from you soon.
Your hb appears to be doing really well – trust him to look after them B so that you can get some rest – I look forward to hearing your son’s reaction to his new sister.
With all good wishes for all of you
VHi Sade
I’m sorry you got the repeat official welcome message – I didn’t realise you had posted in the topic forum.Nobody sets out of be a compulsive gambler – everybody believes at the beginning that of course they can walk away so there is no need to explain why you didn’t appreciate the great problem that this addiction can be when it comes unwelcome into your life.
At the top of this page you can see ‘Resources’ – if you click on it, the first entry is for Gamblers Anonymous. I suggest you click on it and search for the ‘Gamblers Anonymous 20 questions’ then print them off, tick the answers you know your boyfriend would say ‘yes’ to and leave it where he can find it. Many CGs (compulsive gamblers) are unaware that what they are doing is recognised and that there is real support for them if they will accept they have an addiction.
I say leave it for him to find rather than approach him verbally because his addiction will be fired up the moment it feels threatened by you and it is common for those who love CGs to end up in the middle of a argument without knowing how they got there.
I have brought up my thread ‘The F&F Cycle’ which I hope will help you realise that all that you are experiencing is understood on this forum – you are not alone.
I am not sure of the time zone you are in but I am running a group in about 3 hours and it would be great to communicate with you in real time. It is 2100-2200 hours UK time.
I believe that when you don’t know what to do it is best to do nothing until you do know. You have made a terrific start writing your thread, which I know would not have been easy. Knowledge of the addiction will give you power over it and in due course you will be able to make informed decisions. I would never suggest you go or stay – what you do ultimately will always be ‘your’ decision. I know that the addiction will have taken away your self-confidence and that includes making decisions that affect ‘your’ life. Give us time to get to know you and hopefully we can build your confidence up again.
You are the important, you matter.
Velvet
