[velvet]

Hi Dairy
Well done starting your thread.
I will reply to this thread and offer some thoughts on the other thread you have started. We do recommend that you only have one thread and this one seems to me to be the best one for you to continue with. If you have more than one thread posts can get lost.
You said that you were attending your meetings – are you with Gamanon?
CGs in early recovery can be incredibly difficult – without their addiction there is a void in their lives which can resemble grief and each CG handles this in a different way.
You are doing great being supportive of his programme but the best support you can give him is to fill your life with good things that please you, things that maybe the addiction stopped you doing. See your family, see your friends, enjoy your hobbies and share your pleasures with him – give him time to come round to joining you – he has so much going on in his mind and he needs to not have to worry about you – he is not deliberately hurting you.
My CG told me that what I considered his needs were, were in fact ‘my needs’ and he was right. I understand you wanting to reintroduce your fiancé to your family but that is your need and right now it isn’t his. You mentioned a fight when you tried to get him to reconnect but fighting in early recovery is pointless and counter-productive.
Your fiancé is being selfish but that is his way to save his life and the way for you to counter-balance that is for you to look after yourself first. He wants to concentrate on the steps, which is what he should be doing and he is to be commended for it. Sadly it has left you feeling left out which is why doing things for you every day, where the addiction is forbidden access to your mind, is so important. Learn to love yourself and to realise how important and unique you are.
CGs feel they have nothing to give, they feel worthless and unlovable and afraid because their lives are ruled by an addiction that brings them constant failure. You may think that by telling your fiancé he is worthwhile and lovable he will believe you but his brain is still trying to disentangle itself from an addiction that knows how to make him feel otherwise. If you imagine your fiancé’s head is full of water – the water being his addiction; until he has tipped some of that water out there is no room for ‘your’ hopes and dreams or ‘your’ needs. He hears you as though through water, your lips move but you make no sense – yet. He needs time and while he is taking that time it is so important that you give yourself time.
I don’t believe that it is a miracle when a CG controls his/her addiction; I believe it is hard work and courage. It is only your fiancé who can make himself face his demons and CGs need space to do so – it is not ‘shutting out’. If all your fiancé wants is to settle down and have a healthy relationship then he has taken a big step forward but he has a long way to go. Knowledge of his addiction will help you understand and cope – your fiancé will want to trust you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jenny
Recovery can be just as confusing as living with the addiction – if not more so. I think it throws up more questions than answers because in seeking recovery we are questioning ourselves, our actions, our beliefs, our very being, resulting from an experience that we feel/felt is/was unnecessary, just a sad waste of our lives and the person we love/loved.
Your understanding of the addiction when it was vicariously controlling you was probably, as mine was, nil. Your knowledge of the addiction is now great but your understanding, in my opinion, is reflected in your post – you still want to make sense of the senseless, to tie up the loose ends, to have closure.
When I was learning to drive in Dunfermline which has steep hills up and steep hills down (Scotland’s answer to San Francisco!), my instructor was at his wits end with my deranged kangaroo hill starts and grinding gears so he asked me to pull over and stop before I crunched him into an early grave. He asked me if I was one of those people who needed to see/hear how things worked before I could take in the ‘what’ and the ‘why’. He explained, in simple terms what happened when I pressed the clutch, disengaging and re-engaging the clutch disc to the fly wheel. The outcome was that hill starts have never been a problem to me from that day and I have never (seldom) crashed gears again – recovery was instant!
If only it was so easy with the addiction to gamble. I can’t ask you to stop while I tell you that if you do this then that will happen or if you do that then this will happen because the ‘thing’ you are trying to understand is not mechanical and it has no logic, rhyme of reason. Recovery can never be instant. There is no ‘one size fits all’ solution.
I think, judging by your excellent support of others, that your knowledge is terrific but understanding is still impacting on you and I am not surprised, you have been badly hurt and healing takes time.
I doubt you thought of the impact of the addiction on your children at the time it was active in your life – how could you when you didn’t have knowledge or understanding yourself? There is no blame or shame in this – I wrote my thread on ‘siblings’ from experience not guess work. Your children will make their choices based on their unique experiences just a mine are doing.
I would imagine that it was a priority to you that your partner sought recovery even if your understanding of what you wanted him to recover from was limited. Understanding that our needs are not the needs of the CG is something I believe we can only learn.
Did you want to believe him when he lied – frankly, yes? Who wouldn’t? We want to trust, we want to believe that if we are told something, particularly by the people we love, that what we are hearing is true or everything is pointless. Your partner’s addiction needed you to believe in him and without knowledge you couldn’t begin to dissemble truth from lies.
I know it ‘is possible to love someone and do things to another as though you hate them’ and I would love to run a group just on this subject. Just pop in and let’s talk.
Asking how many times you have to be bitten before you learn the lesson is the same, to me, as asking how long is a piece of string, the only one who can answer it, is you. The lesson you are trying to understand is in a class for a manipulative addiction, not motor mechanics but you will get there – you will cut your string when you are ready. I remember telling one member that it was like being on a strong piece of elastic, a constant bungee jump and she could see that analogy as being her life. She had been pinging back and forth until one day she had the strength to cut the elastic. She returned quite a bit later and was living a wonderful recovery.
I believe that recoveries are reached on different paths, with different obstacles until finally there is the light of freedom that comes with inner peace and honesty. I became aware in Gamanon and with GA that these paths might never converge because with freedom and honesty there is not always compatibility, the original draw can be lost on both sides. I am also aware that many paths do meet and there are tremendously successful relationships.
If you are asking if ‘your’ recovery is enough to make a relationship work with a CG who pays lip service to recovery and actively allows it to control his life, then, in my opinion, you have been using a ghost writer to pen all your wonderful posts. If you are asking if I think ‘your’ recovery is enough to make a relationship work with a CG who struggles but wants recovery then the answer does lie with you but keep asking questions until you know what you really want in your unique life.
‘Your’ recovery is enough; it is enough for you to live your life with you in control. It is enough to raise your sons and be the person you want to be. It is enough for you to be able to cope with whatever life chucks at you. It is enough to refuse the addiction entry to your life again. It is enough Jenny. What you do is in your hands. You are a survivor.
V

[velvet]

<

Hello and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Dear Adele
What I love most about this wonderful post is that it is about ‘you’ and it is full of ‘your’ recovery which is the absolute best thing for you and your CG husband.
Gamanon will benefit so much from having you with them, you will uplift your fellows and give them hope which is a terrific way to take a bad experience and make it into something good. Don’t forget to always take support as well as give it though.
The barriers are right and good for both you and your husband – they create the ability to have a form of trust. You in control of the money and him having enough to live on is, in my opinion, an excellent way to start your new life together.
I purged my home 7 years ago when I moved, letting go of anything that cluttered my life and although I have gathered a little clutter since it is minimal. I too left behind the pain, anger and guilt – they didn’t belong in my brave new world.
I would be worried if you didn’t consider trust to be still out of reach – trusting too quickly helps neither of you. Your life will develop with a greater understanding and if that means that total trust remains always slightly out of reach it will not be the be all and end all and certainly not a concern for today.
Now for the nitty gritty. I may not be good on pop stars (apart from Roy Orbison and Elvis) but don’t ever doubt my ability to know what a Harley Davidson is. I’ll have you know I was a leather clad, ton-up girl who spent her holidays on the Isle of Man at the TT races and wore Castrol R for perfume. That free-spirited girl lives on in this ancient frame – so ya shucks boo, this old chick knows her motorbikes!
My dream was to own a Harley and to tour America and Australia with my husband strapped to the pillion but he freaked at the idea so I have a sneaking suspicion I can only do it vicariously through reading your fantastic post. Thanks for the trip of nostalgia.
I have calculated that when I run my Tuesday group it is 5pm in San Antonio so maybe one day when you are not gallivanting around you could pop in and leave me drooling at your exploits. On Thursday it is 4pm Texas time.
Strike that match and live – I could ask for nothing better for you and I believe for your husband too which also gives me enormous pleasure. It has been a complete joy and delight to ‘know’ you.
V

[velvet]

Hi Dairyklimy
I am hoping that you are going to return to this thread. I appreciate that you are reading other posts but each and every member has a different story and each and every person who posts receives unique replies so please start your own thread. Scroll to the bottom of the F&F Forum page click on ‘New Topic’ and follow the simple instructions.
Most F&F recognise your feeling of being disengaged by a CG (compulsive gambler)and I would love to communicate with you directly.
You are not alone when you are here. You are understood and I and others want to support you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Gidge
Well done telling his sister – I know how hard it is to tell others – it is good that his secret is being blown in the areas where people care.
You don’t have to answer this but if you had made a group this week I would have asked you if you still love your husband. Love means different things to different people I know but reading between the lives of your posts I believe that you want to save your marriage while preparing to accept that it cannot go on in its present form.
I live by a simple adage now and that is that ‘I will never live with the addiction again’. To me that is not turning my back on the person who owns the addiction but is standing shoulder to shoulder with them. I have been in recovery from living with the addiction to gamble for 8 years – I knew 8 years ago that I couldn’t do it anymore and that knowledge gave me the strength to change the one person I could change – and that was me.
The addiction is probably causing your husband’s depression not the other way around. My suggestion would be to tell him that you will support him while he seeks help.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Madge
Being woefully late updating your thread is forgivable – you have a busy life. It is also fine if you are doing well and I hope that is the case.
It would be great to get an update though.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Adele
It has been great to see you supporting others but I don’t think you will be surprised to see that I have dragged your thread up to the top.
I would love an update on ‘you’ either here on in a group. I have missed you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Glidge
It is so much easier to avoid the elephant in the room rather than confront it when the elephant is an active, manipulative addiction. However I agree with you that he should know the extent of the financial damage his poor behaviour has brought to your home.
If it was me I would leave the paperwork evidence where he couldn’t fail to see it rather than trying to talk him about it. I would also leave details of support groups for him.
It is my belief that it is good for a CG to know when their loved one is seeking help, showing that they are taking it seriously. I am sure you are aware of the 20 questions – gamblers anonymous also have the 20 questions and they can be found in our Resources at the top of this page. Click on ‘Gambling Help’ in Category, in Location click on ‘World’ and in search by keyboard click on ’20 questions’. Maybe if you printed this off it would show him that you were actively working on supporting him.
Well done telling his friends that he has a problem – you are doing everything right for him.
Living with this addiction is exhausting – the unnecessary lies can give you sleepless nights and that doesn’t help anybody. Please try and make time for yourself every day when his addiction does not fill your head. Looking after ‘you’ will always be the best thing you can do for him and you.
I have another F&F only group again tomorrow (Thursday) at 4pm Chicago time although I understand that you are looking after your boys this week – how old are they?
Keep posting – you will wake up from the nightmare.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Gidge
Admitting he has a problem is a big step in the right direction and I do understand his fear of losing his license if he is found out.
I am a great believer in those who have experienced addiction becoming counsellors but I do think it ‘can’ lead to a lack of support when problems like this arise so maybe it is an excuse not to seek professional help but maybe it isn’t’.
This site offers judgement free support with the added bonus of anonymity and I have had the pleasure to ‘see’ many CGs control their addictions as a result of being here. Would your husband consider joining one of our CG groups I will do a better check tomorrow but I have had a quick look and we have a Peer CG Support Group between 1pm and 2pm Chicago time on Fridays where the facilitator is a CG living in control of his addiction – your husband would be really welcome. Our help-line is open between 4am and 12 noon Chicago time – I wouldn’t for a minute suggest 4am but maybe the later morning times would be of interest –it is often manned by a CG living in control of his addiction.
I am glad that telling your family has helped you feel less alone – I hope that knowing that I understand, having stood in your shoes will support you too.
You recognise that unless you are really working on your programmes you won’t get what you need out of your meetings. We don’t work the 12 steps on this site but both CGs I have mentioned have done so and one I am aware still does I worked the 12 steps in Gamanon so the understanding is here for you even if we have a different approach.
You obviously understand enablement – money to a CG is the same as a drink to an alcoholic. Your family have done well in the way they are supporting you.
Are his billiard’s team mates aware that he has a gambling addiction? He doesn’t have to wait till after the tournament to start his gamble-free life even if he hasn’t self-banned.
With the support that you are offering, your husband’s admission of the problem and his knowledge it seems to me that he could do with being given a direction in which to move whereby he doesn’t lose his license which obviously gives him some self-esteem although I suspect it is low. His confidence in himself I would imagine is poor – he ‘knows’ more than most what he is doing to himself.
I hope to be able to talk to you in real time soon but in the meantime all our facilities are open for you and your husband – the helpline is there for you too.. In my opinion the sooner he takes his leap of faith the better for him and for you – taking one day at a time makes the impossible achievable.
I think you are doing really well.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Gidge
It is very hard when a person with an addiction has experience in counselling because they think they know everything but seem unable to apply that knowledge to their own life. Your husband has faced his alcoholism and that took great courage but it appears that he feels he hasn’t got enough courage to go through the pain of withdrawal again from another debilitating addiction – possibly even with all his experience he doesn’t know how to start.
You don’t say if you were married to him when he was an active alcoholic so I don’t know if you are aware of the things you can do to help yourself. I don’t want to treat you as someone who lacks knowledge if you have already been through this.
Your sanity and happiness is indeed very important – I would never suggest to anyone that they leave or stay in a toxic relationship but in my opinion when there is indecision it is best to stand still and share with those who understand until the right decision becomes clear.
I am glad that you have a sister and parents to support you but it is important that they do not financially enable your husband by paying his gambling debts – I do realise how difficult this is in a marriage when the spouse struggles because of the addiction of the CG (compulsive gambler). I cannot tell you what to do because all decisions must be yours but if it was me I would put money in an account where he could not get his hands on it – in what way does he bully you to get money?
The addiction to gamble is not about money although it always seems like that to the loved one who is struggling to make sense of the senseless and is feeling the loss of financial stability. The addiction is all about the ‘gamble’ which distorts the CG brain and drastically alters their reality to fit their personal perception. It is this distortion that turns the gently man into a bully and it is this distortion for which he needs the right support. You cannot save your husband, you cannot stop him gambling but you can do many things to help yourself and in doing so help him. Your husband didn’t ask for or want this addiction – he didn’t know when he first gambled that addiction was waiting for him.
I wouldn’t be writing on here if I didn’t know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled. We have terrific support for your husband on this site – CG groups, the helpline and the ‘My Journal’ forum where he will be understood without judgement.
You have made a brave move towards your future by writing your first post – the first post is always the hardest and you have done well to write it.
I have a Friends and Family only group tonight, nothing said in that group appears on the forum. It is 22.00-23.00 hours UK time – if I have done my homework properly that will be 5pm your time. I would love to ‘meet’ you in that group where we can communicate in real time and you can ask any questions and get an immediate response.
You imply in your post you have made your decision about your future but your post title implies you are unsure. Whichever your feelings are and whatever your outcome is there will never be any judgement here – only understanding.

Speak soon

Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hi Gidge

Thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy friends and family forum. This forum will provide you with warmth and understanding from your peers.

Feel free to use the friends and family group, you’ll find the times for these if you click on the “Group times” box on our Home page. Now that you have introduced yourself you’ll find that many of the people you meet here have already read your initial introduction and they’ll welcome you in like an old friend 🙂

If you’re the friend or family member of someone who is either in, or has been through, the GMA residential programme please take extra care to make sure that nothing you say in groups, or on our forums, inadvertently identifies that person. Even if your loved one isn’t connected with GMA, please don’t identify them either directly or indirectly just in case they decide to use the site themselves.

You’ll find a lot of advice on this site, some of which you’ll follow, some you won’t…but that’s ok because only you fully understand your

situation and what’s best for you and the people you love. So, take the support you need and leave the advice you don’t because it all comes from a caring, nurturing place 🙂

We look forward to hearing all about you!

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our

privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Ali
I am sorry that I have not replied to you before – I am afraid you slipped under my radar and I hope you are still reading.
Do not be ashamed of yourself for your thoughts. ‘If it was necessary’ (to self ban) sounds like a line his addiction was hoping would throw you off course and in that respect it succeeded. The addiction will have many, many confusing ripostes designed to flummox you because it is the master of threats and manipulation. The addiction to gamble is constantly seeking to gain time to get itself back into the driving seat if it thinks it is being threatened – and talk of self-banning is a threat to a CG who is not really ready to stop.
I hope I am homing in on the part of my post that you didn’t fully understand.
‘Some newly abstinent gamblers say that what they are keeping track of is the amount of money they have saved by not gambling while their addictive minds are still in action. If this is the case the CG can get excited by the prospect of an actual gamble which they are unable to shake off and it is possible that this is what happened.’
The addiction to gamble is not about money. As non-CGs it is the gambling for money that we tend to see as the signal that the addiction is live and so if the CG stops gambling with actual money, the non-CG may feel they are in a recovery. When a CG gambles their minds are fully activated by addiction but it is possible for a CG to stop gambling with actual money and to make all the right noises but to have the addiction alive in their minds. Abstinence is not enough.
It seems to me that your CG may want to control his addiction, he may have tried to abstain but he possibly does not have the determination and courage at this present time to let go completely – he seems to be keeping a door open ‘just in case’ and self-banning could close that door. If this is the case then an actual gamble is never very far away from him.
‘Abstinence is not a recovery which is why I am asking about his general behaviour.’

In case it was this line that you had a problem with. Once again it is important to recognize that the addiction to gamble is not about money – money is the tool, not the goal. CGs drastically change reality to fit their personal perception and it is this that is so destructive leading to lies and manipulation, breakdowns in relationships, loss of self-esteem and confidence. A CG in recovery behaves differently to a CG who is active so I was asking if your CG was behaving differently and if so what the difference was.
I have brought up my thread entitled ‘The F&F cycle’ in case you have not seen it – it may help.
I am glad you knew you could question something you did not understand and I hope I have answered you adequately. You are of course welcome in any F&F group – times in ‘Support Groups’ at the top of this page where your questions can be answered in real time.
Velvet

[velvet]

Για το Alicyat Έχετε αναγνωρίσει τον κύκλο CG – ελπίζω ότι αυτό θα σας βοηθήσει

[velvet]

Für Alicyat Sie haben Ihren CG-Zyklus erkannt – ich hoffe, das hilft

[Author]

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