[velvet]

Hi P
I had to post after I read your words “i kind of think if i was going to make it i would have by now”.
You did something different when you cried after not crying for years. Why shouldn’t your ‘today’ be the beginning of your gamble-free life?
Never give up on something that is so worthwhile and so precious.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi T
Thank goodness for Jenny, I would never have known it was your birthday otherwise.
You certainly deserve all the happy thoughts from the community and I am so pleased I haven’t missed your day by much.
You deserve so much joy for all the support you have given and also for the way you stood up to your father’s addiction.
You are amazing and I am so pleased to wish you a belated but heartfelt happy Birthday.
As ever
V

[velvet]

Dear Jenny
I apologise if my post appeared to imply that only those outside the UK were welcome – I wrote that first post solely because many people are not in the time zones advertised. I tried to find a time that was convenient for as many members as I could but I know the problems of family commitments will always make some groups inaccessible.
All family & friends are welcome as are all new members affected by someone with the addiction to gamble.
Hope this puts everything straight but if it doesn’t I know you know what to do.
V

[velvet]

Hi Fatima
As Jenny posted, you are in the right place to push your thoughts around and I hope you will write again soon so that we can support you as you deserve to be supported.
Nobody here would ever ask you to give someone up or not. What we offer is judgement free support so that you can make your own informed decisions because this is ‘your’ life.
I ‘know’ that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result and I hope your husband can learn to change his life but you cannot make your husband stop gambling, only he can do that.
As Jenny has mentioned, looking after you is so important when an addiction is in your home. Addiction demoralises those around it and causes those who care to lose confidence and self-esteem. As time goes by, loving a CG (compulsive gambler) becomes increasingly difficult unless they accept they have an addiction and seek to change, so it is important that you keep your strength up, for both your sakes.
In a future post I will suggest to you ways of talking to your husband but at the moment he is obviously not listening to you and the following might be a way to communicate with him and hopefully let him know you are aware that he has a problem and that you are seeking help for yourself.
Click on ‘Resources’ at the top of the page and in the ‘Search by Keyword’ section type ’20 questions’. Click on the 3rd resource listed, ‘Gamblers Anonymous – 20 questions – World’ and then click on the link. I suggest it is good idea to print off the 20 questions listed and leave them where you husband can find them – maybe tick the answers to which you would say ‘yes’.
This is not a be all and end all solution but it is a positive step and will help you to know if he is compulsive or not by how many yeses you would award his behaviour.
I will send this reply now but there is a lot more support available to you.
I really do understand that you love your husband. I know CGs are not bad people but the addiction is bad and your husband’s addiction will take you down with it, if it can. You have been very brave writing this first post – well done. I look forward to supporting you further.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi sjb
I hope you return to this thread as I cannot be sure that you are hearing from me.
Please start you own thread so that we can offer you the support that you deserve. Click on the Friends and Family forum page and scroll to the bottom, click on ‘New Topic’ , give yourself a thread title in the Subject Box and write your post in the square marked ‘Body’. Click on ‘Save’ at the bottom and your post will appear in the forum where we can walk with you for as long as you want us to do so.
I believe you will find your answer as knowledge comes with judgement free understanding and that is what we offer.
Speak again soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear P
You are not going crazy – you can get through this. Nobody knows when a true recovery starts but they do start so take courage and don’t look back.
You can’t count seven days in an instant but you can cope with one day – today – that is all you need to ask of yourself.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Ell
I’m glad you found Charles and I look forward to you finding me again.
V

[velvet]

Dear Mushu
You are having an awful time and I hope the support you get here will help you cope because knowledge of the addiction to gamble does give you power over it. I cannot tell you what to do because all decisions have to be yours but with knowledge you can make informed decisions.
Writing your first post must have taken a lot out of you – I admire the way you have laid out all your problems. It will take time for us to get to know one another so please don’t expect to be able to deal with so many complex issues in the twinkling of an eye.
Nobody could tackle all the worries you have in one go and in my opinion sometimes we have to lay aside those things over which we have no control while we deal with the problems that we can control. You say you are thinking about your husband every day and every night and I would imagine every minute too. What I am about to suggest might seem inadequate but for those us us who have been where you are now it has made the difference between coping and falling apart. Every day try and do something for yourself, something that pleases you that fills your mind leaving no room in your head for husband’s addiction – this could be seeing a friend, walking to the park, anything that distracts and relieves your brain even if it is only for an hour. Your mind is overworking and needs some peace to be able to handle the situation you have found yourself in.
There are things in your list over which you have no control and although it is difficult those things are best put to the back of your mind because you need all your energy for yourself and your children. Sadly you have no control over your grandmother dying or your grandfather sinking further into dementia – there is nothing you can do and so although it is terribly distressing please try and concentrate on the positives in your life – your children and your health.
Your husband’s addiction is known as the hidden addiction, it cannot be seen and unfortunately awareness of its destructive ability grows slowly over a long period of time. In the time it took for your husband’s addiction to get to this really destructive stage you will have lost your confidence and self-esteem and it is really important to know that you are not to blame for an addiction over which you have no control; you are not to blame for the threats or the poor behaviour from your husband.
You hate your job and many people can relate to that but for now you are in work and hopefully you can put that issue on a back-burner. In the future when you have more clarity it will be easier for you to look at your work and job prospects – now is probably not the time.
It is important for you to protect your finances and to do this maybe you could open an account in your sole name where you can save for your future whatever the outcome of your relationship. I hope you can put the money you earn away safely and you can get that fridge repaired.
I would never tell anybody to leave or to stay in a relationship. The addiction to gamble changes reality to fit the personal perception of the CG (compulsive gambler) and at the moment his threat about divorce is possibly just his addiction talking – if it was me I would not continue any discussion with him where the word divorce is raised. He is possbly feeling worthless and thinking you would be better off without him but only time will tell the truth about his feelings.
There is so much more I want to say to you but I will close for now and wait for you to reply to what I have said already.
As you are in the UK it would be good to talk to you in real time. I have a group on Tuesday at 10pm and it would be great to ‘meet’ you. For residents of the UK we recommend that ultimately you will seek your support from gamcare.co.uk who are funded for the UK whereas we are not – but for a time I am able and willing to support you.
I recommend looking for a Gamanon in your area – it is the sister group of GA (Gamblers Anonymous). It is great to talk to someone you can see and is a terrific further source of support for you plus giving you some time out.
I hope some of this gives you hope but please come back anyway.
I would not be writing to you if the addiction to gamble could not be controlled. Furthermore I would not be here if there wasn’t a future after rock bottom.
I leave you with the Serenity Prayer said at the end of all Gamanon meetings and said by many of us around the world who are, or have been where you are now.
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the difference
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Mushu

I just wanted to welcome you to Gambling therapy. Unfortunately I am away for a few days but I am sure that other members will be here to support you soon. I will be back on Monday when I hope to give your post the reply it deserves.
You have been very brave writing this first post
Well done
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Shelly
I promise you that this is not me opting out of reply but I cannot tell you what to do. This is your thread and your support and what you do with it has to be in your hands only.
If you are unsure it is often best to do nothing until you are ready to make an informed decision. If you want to push your thoughts around more just keep posting or perhaps pop into the group on Tuesday – it would be great to communicate in real time.
I hope that re-reading your thread helped you.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Gidge
It’s good to hear that you have so much support in place.
Jenny has mentioned treating the addiction as a beast in the corner which is not a method recognised professionally but it has helped many people cope better with their loved ones addiction.
When your husband refuses to talk to you his addiction is wide awake like a slavering beast in the corner of the room waiting to pounce on anything that threatens it. Your husband is controlled by that addiction but you are not and as long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten it, it will stay quiet. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation which you are not and nor do you want to be. When you threaten it by saying no to money, it comes between you and controls the conversation or argument. Once the addiction beast is between you, you will only hear his addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you with tantrums and fear. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your husband cannot comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind convincing him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction to gamble only offers failure to those who sadly own it.
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. I think it is good, although difficult, to not ‘try’ and believe the CG because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your husband is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you which is what you need most of all.
Hopefully during your three nights without your husband’s addiction, seeking to demoralise you, you have rested your mind.
I would never tell anybody to leave or to stay with an active addiction – I cannot tell you what to do but knowledge of your husband’s addiction will give you power over it. Your husband has knowledge of addiction and I hope this forum is giving you the tools with which to cope on an equal footing.
Speak soon
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Shelly
In my opinion everyone who loves a CG will have times when they try to push this horrible addiction to the back of their minds in the hope it will go away, only to have it brutally shoved back to the forefront again as the addiction reasserts itself.
It never left your mind completely though and until your husband has accepted his problem and sought support it will always be in his mind too and not at the back.
I think your handling of your husband’s addiction was terrific even though I know you are feeling defeated. You told him that it was his choice and you recognised that you could not control his addiction. That is not defeat, that is acceptance and without acceptance it is hard to move on.
I would never tell anybody to go or to stay – I know your husband can change or I wouldn’t be writing to you but there are no magic words to give you to make your world feel right instantly.
I know my words seem rather pathetic when you are faced with the enormity of an active addiction but looking after yourself is the best way for you to cope – both with yourself and with him. I don’t know of any CG who thanked those who love them for trying to make them stop gambling but I have heard many who say thank you for not becoming victims. Taking yourself out of the cycle isn’t easy but just as I know your husband can change I know that you can live at the centre of your life and not on the periphery of his.
I’m going to close but my thoughts are with you. I will finish with the Serenity Prayer that F&F always say at the end of Gamanon meetings and also my favourite alternative. When you read them I want you to know that, just as in Gamanon your hand is being held around the world, in cyber space, by those who really understand including many of us who no longer live in the shadow of the addiction.
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the things I can
And Wisdom to know the difference.
And the alternative
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the thing that I can
And Wisdom to know it is me.
Speak soon Shelly
V

[velvet]

Dear San
What a brilliant quote for a grey Monday morning. You have caused me to don my thinking cap and that is always appreciated.
Copied and printed out – let the pondering commence
V

[velvet]

Dear Madge
I am always listening but often feel that I write too much. Of course your story is worth listening to and you deserve all the support this forum can give.
You are right to call your husband playing blackjack a slip. I hope that he told his GA group even if he did collect his 9 month gamble-free key-ring. Maybe you could say if it happens again that you feel it would be nice if he discussed his behaviour with his group rather than telling him that he should not have counted his 9 months as gamble-free. I believe in supporting CGs to be open with each other – it is far less distressing for you if someone else is putting him straight.
I was so sorry to read that you were running round the house hiding his keys and wallet to stop him going to the casino but I understand why – it is so difficult to stay calm when you feel the addiction is triggered.
I can hear you love your husband Madge and I know how hard it can be to love someone who is not in control of their life. That is why it is so important that you are in control of yours – you are the lynch-pin in your family but that does not mean you have to sacrifice your life for your husband’s addictions.
Was his therapist recommended to you, do you feel he/she is making a difference?
I have changed my times on Tuesdays so that my group is 6pm New York time – it would be good to talk to you in real time.
Keep walking the walk and I will walk with you but please never, never forget or underestimate the importance of ‘you’.
V

[velvet]

Hi Dairy
The beauty about this forum is that you can read the same thing written in different ways by so many people which means, to me, it is worth listening to.
My CG went away for 9 months into rehab, I did not hear from him for 6 months. I could have spent that 9 months worrying about him and feeling left out or I could look after me. Worrying about my CG would have achieved nothing – he was finding ‘his’ recovery and it had nothing to do with my recovery – they were not the same. In that time I reformed friendships that I had lost because of the addiction, I re-joined life, went out, changed my thinking, gained knowledge of the addiction to gamble and learned to live for me again. I ceased to think about the addictive behaviour 24 hours a day. I found peace.
If I had not changed when he was away he would have returned to the same person he had left – a victim of his addiction with no confidence or self esteem. Instead he came home to a confident person, someone who had learned to love themselves and he was proud and relieved at that transformation. He had not deliberately wanted his addiction to hurt me; he did not want me to be part of the wreckage his addiction had caused – he didn’t want the guilt of me.
Am I right in thinking that you are in the same group? I attended Gamanon which is the sister group of GA. We were not allowed to go into GA meetings apart from the occasional invited evening. The reason I think this is successful is that CGs can talk freely and share their concerns – if I had attended GA with my CG my anger, frustration and misery would have prevented him from speaking from his heart, my judgement would have crippled his progress, likewise if he had been in my Gamanon meeting I would not have opened up as I did among those who understood me as he couldn’t.
I suggest this is why you find it hard to open up. CGs form a bond – they identify with each other and that support is wonderful. F&F form a bond and identify with each other and to me that support is invaluable as it shows in this forum. Would it be possible for those who are friends and family in your group to form a separate entity where you can talk freely about what worries you? At the moment you are hearing your fiancé’s concerns in a meeting with others who understand him. I suspect he doesn’t want to talk about it again when he comes home because you have already heard it and possibly formed judgements on what you have heard.
How long have you been affected by your fiancé’s addiction?
I do not know what my CG talked about as he sought to control his addiction although I am aware, from him, that he blamed me for months. We have a terrific relationship now because both of us changed our lives and both of us took care of our own life.
I hope some of this answers you questions but if not please just keep talking.
Velvet

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