[velvet]

Hi Kathryn
It’s been a while since I posted to you but I do follow all your posts. It is wonderful to read that you have 5 years gamble-free behind you and here you are still inspiring others including me.
I hope to read very soon that you have excluded again – awareness is so important especially when your emotions are jangled.
You will have had your meeting by now with the man who could not control himself and I hope you are ok. He now belongs in yesterday as another experience and another obstacle that you have crossed with self confidence – well done. I think the way you have handled all the ups and downs is proof that you have done everything you could to keep yourself safe.
I hope to see you post again soon
As ever
Velvet

[velvet]

Hiya Jack
In my opinion it is possible and indeed preferable to be a financial adviser and not gamble. The people to whom you are recommending stock are not CGs, hopefully, so they can win and walk away and they can lose and not chase the loss. Through no fault of your own your mind is re-wired differently – you cannot gamble responsibly
The addiction to gamble is, by definition, an inability to walk away and sadly this is the way it is for you. Controlling that addiction takes courage and determination, both of which you have proved to yourself you have, in your years of sobriety. Complacency caught you unawares but your addiction has not defeated you – day 2 is a wonderful day when it is gamble-free.
You are indeed blessed to have your health, a future, money in the bank and a loving family but if you allow your addiction freedom to grow you could lose it all, so please stick with us Jack – join our groups, leave guilt and shame behind along with all the ‘what ifs’ and ‘ if onlys’.
I am from the Friends and Family forum but I often post here as I am blessed to know that the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result. Turn your bad experiences into something good – you can do it.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi James
As I have written before to you, unfounded suspicion is not good for you or your wife.
Coming to America unable to speak the language must have been a very difficult and lonely experience for your wife but it seems she is now trying to improve her life. If she is a compulsive gambler who has taken control of her addiction then she is to be commended because that takes great courage and leaves me wondering why you want to leave now?
Did you look at Gamblers Anonymous 20 questions as I suggested? Is your wife displaying other addictive behaviour that you find unacceptable?
If it is your anger and anxiety holding your recovery back then maybe a support group or psychiatrist would help you to cope better. You are financially stable and if, as it seems from your post, your wife is doing all she can to lead a decent life, what is stopping you playing golf or fishing with your friends?
Post again soon James and look after youself.
Velvet

[velvet]

Dear Lorraine
I can hear in your words so much anger and I can see why you feel it but you are dealing with professionals who are not emotionally involved – they are reacting solely to what they see as black and white facts and they have no room for grey areas.
Have you got anybody to come to the meeting with you who understands your position, someone who is not emotionally involved and who can put your case clearly and clinically? Hate gets in the way of clear thinking Lorraine and makes it easier to lose sight of the goal – it would be better, I think, for you to have someone on your side that is not weighed down. Allow a friend or family member, perhaps someone from GA, to take your burden and guide your feet.
It will be impossible I think for you to deal with these professionals in a clinical way – you are confused frightened and struggling with guilt – such feelings are so hard to contain and they often lead to loss of purpose, making it easier for the people who are in control of their emotions to tie you up in knots. This is not in any way judgemental Lorraine of you, or them. I believe we all struggle to maintain logicality when things matter as much to us as your husband’s health matters to you.
You are not gambling, you have controlled your addiction and there is no need to keep looking back at what you believe is the root cause – there is time for that later, (if you still want to do so) but not when you are fighting this battle.
Why are you so sure that your depression will sabotage your enjoyment with your new GA.? It is my belief we can think our way into sabotaging ourselves but you do have a choice Lorraine – there is no way on earth that you have to sabotage yourself
I am overturning the verdict you have given yourself – you are not guilty. Keep posting, the brightness can come back.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Lu
Please start your own thread as it is impossible to support you on another member’s thread and you will miss the individual support that ‘you’ deserve. It is great to read other threads but by starting your own, you will receive knowledge of the addiction and give others the chance to support you. Scroll to the bottom of the F&F page, click on ‘New Topic’ and follow the instructions.
You are right to believe that control of the addiction can only begin to come about with acceptance but also with acceptance must come action. I don’t know how far you have got with your reading but I suggest clicking on ‘Resources’ at the top of this page, then click on Gamblers Anonymous International Directory, click on the link and then on ’20 questions’ and maybe print them off. There is no guarantee that your husband will respond well to seeing these questions but sometimes CGs (compulsive gamblers) are not aware that they have a recognised addiction or that there is help for them.
I understand why you are telling him to blame you if he wants to do so – but please be aware that you know that you are not to blame.
I hope you do start you own thread and that we may ‘talk’ in real time soon.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Lu
I am so sorry not to have had the chance to talk with you in real time and I hope you will have another go. I wonder if the groups on Tuesdays at 22.00 hours UK time might be better for you – if I have worked it out correctly it will be around 8am for you on Wednesdays.
You have already taken a big step in your relationship with your husband and it would be great to be able to support you further – it is so hard dealing with the addiction to gamble on your own.
To start your own thread, scroll to the bottom of the F&F page, click on ‘New Topic’, give your thread a title, write your post in the box and click ‘Save’- as you have seen already there are other members ready and willing to walk with you and support you. It is great to read other threads but your post will receive the individual support that ‘you’ deserve.
Knowledge of the addiction to gamble does help you cope. You are right to believe that control of the addiction can only begin to come about with acceptance but also with acceptance must come action. I don’t know how far you have got with your reading but I suggest clicking on ‘Resources’ at the top of this page, then click on Gamblers Anonymous International Directory, click on the link and then on ’20 questions’ and maybe print them off. There is no guarantee that your husband will respond well to seeing these questions but sometimes CGs (compulsive gamblers) are not aware that they have a recognised addiction or that there is help for them.
I understand why you are telling him to blame you if he wants to do so – but please be aware that you know that you are not to blame.
I hope you do start you own thread and that we may ‘talk’ in real time soon. You are definitely not alone.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi sjb
I believe you are struggling because you are no longer living in the shadow of your husband’s addiction but you know he is, however, there should be no guilt because you are not responsible for, nor the cause of, his inability to see the line.
Your husband’s head is full of addiction which leaves no room for good, honest, true thought. He has been living in his cocoon of addiction for so long that his lies have become the only truth he knows; he doesn’t want to listen yet, or face the demons that possess him and sadly no amount of trying to make him see, will open his blinkered eyes.
There is a line for your husband, just as I believe there is a line for all of us but his addiction has tenacity and he doesn’t want to break free and cross that line yet but if/when he did decide to try, your happiness ‘will’ matter, whatever happens between now then and however long it takes. You have chosen the freedom to become the person you want to be and raise your children without addiction hurting all your lives – carry on with that and don’t look back. No ‘what if’s’ or ‘if onlys’ – they only slow your progress.
Rock bottom is a state of mind – the line is invisible. Your husband will be afraid of the consequences of his behaviour preferring to believe in what he thinks is the easier course – that his addiction will look after him. It is only when the CG is in control of his/her addiction that consequences are faced and I think we can only scratch the edge of understanding how difficult and frightening it must be to face such wreckage, not just of their own lives but the lives of all those who love them and who care about them.
My CG lost his family and everything else he owned but still it was not enough to stop his addiction and he spiralled into depths of which I have no knowledge. Why he eventually changed I have no idea but when he did, I too had changed – I had begun to grow into the person who can write like this to you now. It would be wrong to surmise if, or when, your husband will change but I do know that whatever the future holds for both of you – your happiness is something to embrace and never to feel guilty about – for both your sakes.
Keep posting and please pop into a group and say hi in real time. You are doing well – probably better than you realise but it does take time.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi sjb
I am so pleased to see you have started your own thread – you did get a couple of replies when you posted on Ell’s thread but possibly you didn’t see them. It is good to know that you now have a place all of your own on this site.
You write that it is hard to attempt to tell others how difficult it is to live with someone with the addiction to gamble – I think it is almost impossible, which is why you are here and why you are understood.
I understand the relief coupled with guilt when the addiction leaves the home but I do urge you to leave guilt behind as it will slow the recovery you deserve. Recovery does hurt and it is hard but I hope you will be empowered by realising that by retaking control of your life, you have led the way and shown your husband that you will not be a victim of his addiction.
The knowledge that the heart will not heal the pain as it used to do is horrible – the decision you took to break away was not taken lightly. It is so easy to say ‘draw the line’ but when, where and how is impossible for another to determine. I believe it to be so for a CG (compulsive gambler) as well – crossing the line, letting go of the past and controlling the addiction to gamble takes great determination and courage and it seems to me your husband is not ready to take that leap of faith yet.
I would love to communicate with you in real time; the Tuesday group is at 10pm New York time. Nothing said in the group appears on the forum – you would be very welcome.
Given time you will find the validation that you need – recovery is not easy but it is the road to peace.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Nychantal
I wrote most of my reply earlier before I saw Jenny had replied. Sometimes it is good to hear different ways of saying the same thing so I haven’t changed my words.
Your post is far from lacking emotion or whiney – it is mature and well thought out which is remarkable considering the confusion you are feeling.
Leaving a person with the addiction to gamble is not the same as leaving someone with cancer because control does lie with the person who owns the addiction.
“What I want is for him to have not gambled and to not do it again” is an ‘if only’ wish and ‘if onlys’ and ‘what if’s’ don’t help anybody. By standing still and seeking support and knowledge, you are doing the right thing for both of you.
Many people live unwittingly in the shadow of the addiction to gamble and their ignorance leaves them open to manipulation but you are aware of your loved one’s addiction and you are gaining a knowledge that most people do not have. You will have the knowledge to do the right thing for the right reason.
You won’t ‘fix’ your fiancé if you stay but you could support a change if he is really willing to try and has the courage and determination to do so. If it was me I would be looking for a positive step towards recovery – I don’t hear it in his words so far.
You have recognized that staying may bring out things in you that you would rather not have to deal with and that is worth your full and very serious consideration. If his addiction brings you down then you will be another victim of his addiction and that, in my view, is completely unacceptable. .
If you stay I would recommend that you never bail him out again. Giving money to a CG is the same as giving a drink to an alcoholic – it feeds the addiction and helps it grow.
I am not judging when I say his father did well telling his son that he should go to therapy but it would probably have been better if he had not said that he would not see him on the streets as this suggests there will always be a cushion to fall back on – very often loving a CG means standing back and letting them fall all the way – not easy. Do you and his father have a good working relationship? The best thing for a CG is that everyone around them works as a team, sharing information and refusing enablement.
It is not recognized professionally but the following is a coping method that many have used while learning how to live with someone with the addiction to gamble.
Imagine your fiancé’s addiction as a slavering beast in the corner of the room. As long as you keep your cool and don’t threaten it that addiction will stay quiet but be aware that it never sleeps.
Your fiancé is controlled by a terrible addiction but you are not. His addiction is the master of threats and manipulation which you are not and nor do you want to be. When you threaten his addiction it leaps between you and controls the conversation or argument. Once it is between you, you will only hear that addiction speak and because it only knows lies and deceit, it will seek to make you feel blame and demoralize you. When you speak the addiction distorts your words and your loved one will not comprehend your meaning.
My CG explained it to me by saying that when I told him (for instance) that if he didn’t lie but lived honestly he would be happy, his addiction was distorting his mind convincing him that I was lying because he truly believed that he was unlovable, worthless and a failure – he was lost and fought back because he didn’t have any other coping mechanism. The addiction to gamble only offers failure to those who sadly own it.
I believe F&F waste valuable time ‘wanting’ to believe that the CG they love is telling the truth and that ‘this’ time, maybe, he/she is different. I think it is good, although difficult, to not ‘try’ and believe the CG because in doing so you become receptive. If you can stand back a bit and listen to what your fiancé is saying, it becomes easier not get caught up in an argument that has no point apart from making you feel less in control. Once you begin to try and put your side the addiction has something to get its teeth into.
This all sounds a little negative but the positive side is that it removes you from the centre of the addiction giving you time and energy to look after you time to think what you really want to do.
I think it is right to say that a CG must seek treatment if they are to control their addiction and not relapse, this addiction does get worse without treatment. If your fiancé is not ready however nothing you do or say will make him change.
By looking after you first you will safeguard your identity while you make the right decisions for your relationship.
I am away for a long weekend but I will look for you when I return.
Please keep posting – writing is therapeutic and helps put muddled minds into perspective.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Liz
You are being amazing – I am not surprised you feel you are on a downer with so much worry.
I pray your daughter will be found soon and found well. As a mother it is important that you stay strong for both of your daughters and your grandson, as a CG it is important you stay strong for you.
I am glad you are finding strength from your friends here – there is a great deal of love being sent to you.
Keep posting
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Cat
You know the only person who can control your husband’s addiction is him and you are angry because he is not doing so and you cannot save him. I would imagine a lot of your anger is because you have faced your demons – so why can’t he?
Do you have an Al-anon near you to support you?
It is easy to assume that because you have controlled your addiction you will understand how to cope with living with someone with addiction but I don’t think that follows at all.
Pulling away in the sense of protecting your mind from his problem is probably a good way forward in that you must not allow his addiction to pull you down. However pulling away generally is possibly making him feel unwanted, unlovable and unworthy, all of which are excuses/reasons/triggers for him to drink. Attending AA and Alanon together hopefully might let him know you want to understand and support him.
Do you ever have a drink with him Cat?
It will take courage and strength to deal with your husband in a healthy way but you can do it but please protect yourself first because your health matters – if you go down because of his addiction you will not be able to protect yourself and ultimately you being in control of your addiction is the best thing you can do for both of you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Lorraine
I am not a CG but I can hear you – you do have a voice and it isn’t silent on this site. There will always be injustices when people change their lives because the world is not perfect and misunderstanding and judgment will always be there. Officialdom overlooks the person and sees only the addiction because knowledge is in short supply and only through sharing will there be understanding. Don’t give up your efforts to be heard.
Please keep posting and maybe have a conversation that is not polluted by addiction. How is your daughter?
No life-time of silence imposed on this forum – just a desire to support you.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Anis thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

For Nychantal Håber snart at høre fra dig.

[velvet]

Kad „Nychantal Hope“ netrukus išgirstų jus.

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