[velvet]

Hi Sheryl
I cannot tell you what to do – whether you write to your ex husband or not is up to you.
My CG told me, once he had turned his life around and controlled his addiction, that he had seen rejection in every word of the letter I had sent him telling him my feelings. In spite of that I don’t regret sending it.
What I don’t think would be right is to enter a series of texts or emails which can lead to misery on behalf of the sender and hope of enablement for the CG.
This is a really dreadful time for you at the moment but it will pass – you are doing everything that is right for you and your son so don’t feel guilty; you have nothing to feel guilt about. It is sad that sometimes we have to accept that there are CGs we cannot save – some who are unable for one reason or another to have the strength of character to control their terrible addiction and many who feel that they don’t want to do so. You were the one that had to draw the line because you do not have his addiction.
I think the hardest part for me was accepting that my love was not strong enough to conquer everything with someone I loved and finally after 25 years letting go. I couldn’t believe that the loss of everything would not be the bottom line but it wasn’t. The change when it came had nothing to do with me and everything to do with him but I don’t think it would have come without estrangement, so my suggestion is for you to keep moving forward because you are the person you can control. Live a full life with your son and family, doing things that please you, things that were probably put on hold when the addiction was filling your thoughts. Put up barriers and don’t be afraid to feel angry or cry – the tears will stop.
I rebuilt myself Sheryl and I know you can – the best bit is that in the rebuilding you can put in extra strong bricks that were not there before – you can take the terrible experience and make your life better for it.
It would be good to chat in real time in a group sometimes.
Velvet
Success is not the result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire first.

[velvet]

Hi T2C
I wouldn’t be writing to you if I didn’t know the addiction to gamble can be controlled and wonderful lives lived as a result of the effort.
You have done well recognising that behind you is a ton of wreckage caused by your addiction but today you have chosen to change your life and you can do it.
I hope you will keep posting, join our groups and contact our helpline until you enter the GMA programme. I would love to welcome your mother into a Friends and Family group, either on Tuesday at 10pm or Thursday between 6 and 7pm. Nothing said in the group appears on the forums; she will be understood and supported without judgement.
I wish you well. I will follow your thread and look forward to hoping your progress.
Velvet

[velvet]

<

Hello T2C and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi Lu
To start your own thread, scroll to the bottom of the F&F page, click on ‘New Topic’, give your thread a title, write your post in the box and click ‘Save’- as you have seen already there are other members ready and willing to walk with you and support you. It is great to read other threads but your post will receive the individual support that ‘you’ deserve.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi James
Living in a state of anxiety for 10 years is quite long enough and I think it is good that you are seeking on the ground support for yourself especially as your family appears to be lacking in support for you. The addiction to gamble is divisive and I certainly don’t see why a discussion to remarry would help you at the moment.
This site can only really support you with the addiction to gamble and cannot comment on your legal system and/or the possibilities of what you could request from a judge.
I noticed that you posted on Thursday when I was facilitating a live group which you would have been welcome to join – we could have communicated in real time if you had wanted to do so and maybe this is something for you consider in the future.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Dadda
It is a sad fact that gambling is becoming more and more invasive and that those of us who are trying to combat the evil side of it, including many CGs who are trying to control their addiction, have an uphill battle.
It is also a sad fact that the legal process is often unfair, powerless and pathetic.
Having said that I believe from your posts that you have a steely backbone and you will overcome. You have done nothing wrong but you have suffered firstly from a terrible addiction in your life and secondly from a wishy-washy legal system.
I remember when I didn’t know what it was that was wrecking my life; I searched everywhere for answers giving a full description of what was happening to me to medical professionals and counsellors but none of them came up with the addiction to gamble. I always came away feeling worse than I had before and more convinced that the problem was me. I only have to hear a few words now to recognise the addiction so why couldn’t’ they?
I believe it was one of the best days of my life when I found Gamanon, where people understood me. It was in Gamanon that I first heard about the addiction and how secretive everything about it was. I am very sorry to read that your experience with Gamanon wasn’t good. All groups are made up of individuals and there will always be ups and downs, good sessions and not so good, maybe you could try again or try another group – you do have so much to offer as well as needing well-deserved support.
I have taken the bad experience I had and tried to turn it into something good and I believe we all have the capability to do this, in fact I think we owe it to ourselves, after all the greatest revenge we can have on our unseen enemy is for us to be happy.
I hear your anger and empathise with it but I believe that your constructive activities can and will outweigh the destructiveness of the addiction that has sought to wreck your life – given time. Although you are divorced there is a tremendous residual pain which will subside but at the moment, it seems to me, you still feel you are in the eye of the storm. Your daughters are working their way through their experiences and they will do it differently to you but I am sure they will look to you to see how you cope.
Nothing you have said is out of line; there is never a need to apologise for speaking from the heart in this forum.
I know all about no-man’s land and I walk there now with my head up. I am not crazy, I have something to say that is unpalatable and many would prefer not to hear but I will not be silenced. I know I am only scratching at the surface but as long as I leave a scratch I am content that the addiction to gamble did not defeat me.
You have been heard Dadda – keep going, you will come through.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi James
Sadly your wife’s behaviour is fairly typical of a CG.
Although I am not a Buddhist I do like many of the teachings but believing that we have to pay debts from a previous life is not one to which I could subscribe. I believe we have enough to deal with in this life and we have the gift of self-will to cope, how we use that self-will is down to every individual. You are trying to cope with a situation that you could not have foreseen and I believe from all you write that you are trying to do the best for all of you.
I admire the way you are putting forward so many options when you must be totally confused by recent events. Does your state offer you the ability to sit round a table with your wife and legal representatives to calmly discuss what is right for your daughter such as the church based pre-school which sounds great and to my mind shows your willingness to accommodate different ways forward for all of you?
I believe that your desire to forgive does you credit but it is early days. The following was written a few years ago by another member and may help.
• Forgiveness isn’t condoning the behaviour.

• Forgiveness isn’t forgetting what happened.

• Forgiveness isn’t restoring trust.

• Forgiveness isn’t synonymous with reconciliation.

• Forgiveness doesn’t mean doing the other person a favour.

• Forgiveness isn’t easy.
Keep going as you are James – I believe the thoughts of many are with you
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi James
I agree it is important to minimise any problems your wife’s addiction may cause your daughter but in my opinion it is not necessary to imagine she is definitely going to turn into a child abuser. Your wife will not deliberately cause hurt but she has an addiction to gamble that causes pain with its blind and selfish desire for enablement.
Baby daughters grow up into fearsome young women and strong-minded adults and they ask questions about parental actions and decisions taken on their behalf when they were too young to argue so I think it is important to look at your situation in a balanced way because one day she will want to know why and how you made your decisions.
Have you had cause to worry about your child’s emotional or physical welfare as a result of her mother’s addiction thus far?
It is possible that your wife’s addiction will deteriorate but it is also possible that she will change her life for the better, maybe her parents could be instrumental in directing her to the right support, especially her father who did change his life and therefore knows the courage it takes.
It is possible that you have prevented your wife from getting deeper into her addiction so far by bailing her out but bailing out is enablement and enablement has the opposite effect in that it feeds the addiction and allows it to grow.
You have listed extreme cases of the addiction and of course they exist but has your wife shown such extremities so far?
By all means James put all you are hearing to your attorney but I do hear that you still care about your wife and I think that suggesting she seeks treatment rather than condemnation is important.
I am not seeking to excuse the addiction or the CG who owns it. Ultimately the responsibility for your wife’s behaviour rests solely with her. We have hundreds of female CGs on this site, many of who are mothers who probably feel unable to join in a discussion such as this because they are here to control their addiction, not to carry the guilt for others but they include many who have changed their lives and who live in control of their addiction with their children’s lives intact, having said that I see that before I could send this post, Vera has made a valuable contribution.
I believe you are working on a balance James and I wish you well.
Speak soon
Velvet
.

.

[velvet]

Hi James
I agree it is important to minimise any problems your wife’s addiction may cause your daughter but in my opinion it is not necessary to imagine she is definitely going to turn into a child abuser, she has an addiction to gamble that does not seek to cause pain but does so in its blind need for enablement.
Baby daughters grow up into fearsome young women and strong-minded adults and they ask questions about parental actions and decisions taken on their behalf when they were too young to argue so I think it is important to look at your situation in a balanced way because one day she will want to know why and how you made your decisions.
What is your wife’s relationship like with her child now?
Have you had cause to worry about your child’s emotional or physical welfare as a result of her mother’s addiction thus far?
It is possible that your wife’s addiction will deteriorate but it is also possible that she will change her life for the better, maybe her parents could be instrumental in directing her to the right support, especially her father who did change his life and therefore knows the courage it takes.
It is possible that you have prevented your wife from getting deeper into her addiction so far by bailing her out but bailing out is enablement and enablement has the opposite effect in that it feeds the addiction and allows it to grow.
You have listed extreme cases of the addiction and of course they exist but has your wife shown such extremities so far?
By all means James put all you are hearing to your attorney but I do hear that you still care about your wife and I think that suggesting she seeks treatment rather than condemnation is important.

[velvet]

Hi Jack
‘So I wonder if it was good for me to stop with my winnings’ is not a recipe for you to come back later.
You don’t have to follow a recipe for disaster in life Jack – you can chose another menu and make something that is healthy and palatable that won’t keep you awake at night sweating.
Look in the mirror and say those three laws out loud – that is a recipe for you not to go back.
One of my favourite alternatives to the Serenity Prayer is
God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Courage to change the thing that I can
And Wisdom to know it is me.

Velvet

[velvet]

Hello Steph and thanks for starting a thread in the Gambling Therapy forums

Here at Gambling Therapy we pride ourselves on being a caring and diverse online community who can help and support you with the difficulties you’re currently facing. We understand that this might be a tough time for you, particularly if you’re new to recovery, so come here as often as you need to and participate in the forums, access online groups and connect to the live advice helpline if you need one to one support. We’re in this together!

Here on the forum you can share your experiences in a safe, supportive and accepting environment. The beauty of writing it all down is that you can take your time and you will be creating a record of your progress that you can look back on if it ever feels like you’re not moving forward. So, share as much or as little as you like but do try to stick to keeping just one thread in this forum so people know where to find you if they want to be updated on your progress or share something with you.

And on that note….

I’m going to hand you over to our community because I’m sure they will have some words of wisdom for you 🙂

Take care

The Gambling Therapy Team

PS: Let me just remind you to take a look at our
privacy policy and terms and conditions so you know how it all works!

[velvet]

Hi James
I cannot say whether walking into a casino and getting security to throw your wife out would make a difference but if you asked me would I do it based on your past experience- the answer is yes.
I was horribly criticised for driving my CG to the doorstep of the rehab and accused of treating him like a child but if I had not done so he would never have arrived. I knew I was going the extra mile and it could have backfired on me but sometimes we have to do what we feel is right.
Your mother-in-law sounds as though she could be a brilliant sounding board for your thoughts especially as you both have the same goal. Work with her James and all the family members who are willing to support you – a united front is a terrific club with which to beat the dreadful addiction to gamble.
You are going to the gym and having a massage which to me says you are giving your brain some free time and that is fine and possibly all you could ask of yourself at the moment. We cannot turn our feelings on and off like taps and I would be surprised if you were not thinking about your wife – this does not in itself make you co-dependent.
Did you print off the GA 20 questions?
Keep posting and asking anything you want to ask – we will do our best to support you.
Well done on all you are doing
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi James
Your mind must be bouncing all over the place at the moment but with your wife on a gambling binge it is important that you keep yourself safe and strong for the sake of your daughter.
It seems to me, from reading you post, that your mother-in-law will have a capacity for understanding you and your situation better than most. For me the greatest support came from someone who had suffered from the addiction to gamble in her life but had moved on to live in peace and happiness. Do you and your mother-in-law have a good relationship?
I cannot tell you what to do but I do recommend keeping a journal so that you have your thoughts and memories clear. The addiction to gamble is secretive and therefore emotional abuse is hard to prove but if you can keep your daughter’s welfare at the fore-front of your mind, I believe you will make the right decisions.
You will never know if your presence prevented your wife hitting rock bottom – there are many things with this addiction for which a loved one will never receive any answers but given time such answers are not material. What matters is that you stay safe and deny the addiction any opportunity to bring you down.
You are right, you cannot ‘fix’ your wife but there is always hope that she will control her addiction. Unfortunately loving a CG does not give them normality and stability – only the CG can do that. You can point her in the right direction though, perhaps to this site, GA, or a dedicated counsellor. Our helpline is here for her as it is for you; she would be welcome in our CG only groups and in ‘My Journal’ forum.
I cannot advice you on which course of action is right for your daughter but I can see by your post that you are working hard at doing the right thing. Can you talk to your mother-in-law about support for you and your daughter; is she aware of the extent of her daughter’s addiction? In my opinion, physical support is so important for you James – I know in the UK the mother always seems to be favoured over the father so I believe that it is best to have understanding female assistance.
It is not symptomatic of the gambling addiction that a CG deliberately hurts but they can neglect because their minds are full of addiction and as such I feel your child does need protecting while her mother’s mind is not working with logic and reason.
Your write that your father-in-law ‘was’ a CG but there is no cure for this addiction. Your wife can learn to control her addiction and live a truly wonderful life but she needs the right treatment and understanding.
Keep posting – you are doing well
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi Jack
As I told you I am from the F&F forum and as such understand what it is to love a CG and to learn about the gambling addiction.
You believe you have kept your secret for 15 years – I didn’t know for 23 years. As determined as I was to ‘save’ him from I knew not what; he was determined to keep his secret. Those who love CGs do see a lot and they take a lot of pain before something snaps but given time, it is the behaviour, not the loss of money that does the damage. I suspect you are unaware of your significant others deep concerns.
Talking about your addiction does help you but your SO does not have that outlet and you cannot know what is going on in her head just as she is shut out of yours.
I cannot tell you what to do and I don’t do ‘what ifs’ or ‘if onlys’ because my experience is behind me and I can change nothing but I use it for reference and I believe it better for loved ones to know so that they can make informed choices.
I repeat I cannot tell you what to do and I am not suggesting you rush in and instantly off-load your secret to your SO before you are ready. I know it helps those who love CGs to know that their loved one has sought support, to know they are determined to change their lives and to see real evidence of a true recovery. I know how much a true recovery is worth in a relationship but I also know that none of us can be sure of when a true recovery starts.
Keep posting Jack, use every resource this site has got, have courage and determination to change your life, don’t compare yourself to other CGs but draw from their experience – every life is different.
One day at a time.
Velvet

[velvet]

Hi James
I am indeed very sorry to hear the turn of events in your life. Financial separation certainly seems to be the way forward for you.
I realise how great the betrayal is that you feel but please bear in mind that your wife did not ask for, nor did she want her addiction – she will not have deliberately hurt you or her child however much her behaviour suggests otherwise. It is a terrible addiction that she owns.
It is good that you appreciate how good your wife is with your daughter – I hope in time your daughter will learn about the addiction that hurts her mother and that she can be helped to understand. I appreciate your anger at the moment and the feeling that you do not want to see your wife again but your daughter is not old enough to make such a choice and in my opinion deserves the right to make up her own mind when she is old enough.
I wish you, your daughter and your wife well James – I know you are making uncomfortable decisions and that the outcome of your relationship is not the one that you wanted. Unfortunately the addiction to gamble is very strong and proves too much for some. I know that however much you love someone, sometimes loving them is not enough.
I hope we hear from you again and that you all pull through this terrible time. Your wife is to be pitied not blamed but I know this takes time.
Velvet

[Author]

Posts